Feeling like a psycho

cherrytree123

OP, don't make any rash decisions. She's sending him disappearing photos. Talk to him about it, I'm sure it will all be clarified. Remember, he's the only man your daughter trusts, do you really want to risk your daughter loosing this trustable man?

Squatman

thoroughly disappointing. it had seemed like a genuine enough situation, which now due to prolonged and underhanded behaviour it make the whole situation seem sinister

tea and coffee

Irrespective of whether something is going on or not, the fact that he is putting his (and her ) feelings above yours in this situation consistently, despite conversations and assurances that he won't do that is a real issue.

And then of course you would have to question why he is doing that, even though you said it's hurting you.

Esho

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325433#Comment_121325433

Yes, for me this out of hours stuff is not appropriate and is crossing a boundary.

I agree with you. Just because he doesnt consider any playing away on the cards, doesn't mean she does at some point.

cherrytree123

agree with all posts here. you should really question again why he's doing it. ask him again about it, listen what his explanations are and then most probably give him another chance.

Hannibal_Smith

But he should respect you and your relationship enough to put boundaries in place with her.

This is exactly the crux OP. You've broached the subject with him 5 months ago and in those 5 months not only has he not attempted to create boundaries, but he's actually acting more covertly than before.

It's time for you to be clear about what your boundaries are, because it seems he doesn't have any when it comes to this situation.

carsynogenic

Had a meltdown yesterday, I'm just exhausted from it, constantly on my mind. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking and fretting about it. I saw the message she sent, I was the one that opened it. When I saw that it was a disappearing message I nearly got sick, as it turns out it wasn't a nude, just a pic of where she was with the message "we miss you". I lost the plot because I thought they had their chats on disappearing messages. Yes I will admit I don't know enough about Whatsapp. A huge row ensued when I asked him why he thinks she's so comfortable sending him disappearing photos and why she was texting him at all when we were on holidays. It's because he's not putting down the boundaries. He asked me what I wanted him to say to her, I specifically said ' ask her why she is sending you disappearing messages' so he asked her "what did you send it disappeared before I saw it". Not the same thing. At. All. She sent him back a totally different picture of her & 2 colleagues with "ah just trying to make you jealous, out here with these 2 headcases.

Long story short we had a huge row and I told him that I won't live with this mental torture. It would be easier for me to cut ties with him and get on with my life. I won't have to worry then what she's texting or what time, it's no longer any of my business. I think he got a fright when he realised where my head was. He's been making valiant efforts to reassure me that it's me he loves and he doesn't want to do anything to fucx it up. He's also promised that the next time she texts on a personal level he will respond with " this has nothing to do with work, please stop texting me outside of work" or something along those lines. We'll do it together. His words. I've 2 choices that I can see, either I put my faith in him and trust that he finally got the point or I pull the trigger on my relationship of nearly 20 yrs. If anyone has a 3rd option I'd be happy to hear that

Thanks guys

Big Bag of Chips

I know you don't want to end a 20 year relationship, and you don't have to. You are entitled to put down your own boundaries. As a longstanding couple you should be able to be honest with each other. If you are being unreasonable and controlling etc he should be able to address that with you. If something (regardless of what it is) is causing problems in your relationship you should both be able to sit together and come to some sort of agreement.

I'm guessing in a relationship of your length you're not habitually monitoring his friendships and controlling who he can or can't contact. This friendship has set your spidey-senses tingling and the fact that he said he will tell her to stop means he knows this has crossed a line. If it was just a random friendship there wouldn't be an issue, and he would've clear with you about that.

Don't be too hard on him with how he words his reply. Regardless of everything else, she is still a colleague, and he will still have to interact with her on a daily basis, so he might go for a lighter touch rather than the blunt "please don't contact me outside of office hours again". I have work colleagues that I'm always texting outside of work, and it's never work related!

He needs to respect your relationship and your boundary on this. If he wants to continue his relationship with you and not damage it he needs to put his own boundaries in place with this woman. Sometimes people can take those closest to them for granted, and don't mind upsetting them (you'll get over it) in favour of having an awkward conversation with someone else. It's human nature. We all do it on some level.

You have made your position in this clear now. You have let him know this is a line you are not going to allow anyone cross. You now have to see how he responds to that. You've made yourself clear.

carsynogenic

Thanks for that. He's already shaken my confidence in our relationship. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but he's back with the phone stuck up his hole. He went to the gym and got me 2 different bottles of wine (neither of which I drink) and a bunch of flowers from Lidl. Didn't even bother to get me a card for mother's Day (which he knows is more important to me, always has been. I keep them). I can't help reading into this as he's no longer arsed. This is the first year he just hasn't made an effort. Then when I got upset about it (which I tried to hide) he tells me he's really worried about me and that maybe I need to talk to someone. I feel like I'm being gaslit to beat the band. And mother's Day is a **** day for me anyway which he knows

xyz13

Sop torturing yourself, seek professional help asap.

Big Bag of Chips

@carsynogenic nobody can make a decision for you. Not even him. You have to decide yourself if this is something you can trust him on and move on from. Or if it's something that has damaged your relationship beyond repair. Counselling might be beneficial to you both. Most relationships could benefit from it. Lack of communication can damage relationships and sometimes we need help from the outside to highlight where we're (both) going wrong.

You're in a long-term relationship and understandably don't want to throw that away. You don't have to. But you are both going to have to change what you're doing now because it no longer works. Maybe it hasn't worked for a long time and this is now a symptom. Or, you can decide this is not working, and hasn't been, and it's time to move on.

Relationships are tough. They're not a straight line. There are tough times that will hit us all. Whether we decide to fight through or walk out is completely individual. Nobody has the right to make that decision for us. Maybe individual counselling first to figure out where you actually stand on your relationship, and then maybe couples counselling if you think the relationship deserves to be saved.

Squatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121875314#Comment_121875314

it might be a good point to add in disclaimers with hubby regarding what should happen and when. so that you can hold each other accountable.

i.e. you should cut ties with this person by Xdays, say friday. we will discuss how this went on Saturday. would be good also to get his version of what he wants out of your relationship, is there a compromise that he wants from you, and add in agreements for this, which he can also follow up on. I'm guilty of spending too much time on phone, but am not guilty of, or would consider cheating.

The nuclear option is of course to call this person from hubbys phone, and explain the situation to her. that its putting a strain, and your husband is afraid of the potential conflict that could arise with a colleague from such a conversation. its kinda marking your territory, which ill admit is a weak approach, but its not allowing yourself to roll over either.

cherrytree123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121875314#Comment_121875314

ah, you poor thing, is he still stuck with his phone up his hole? and all this presents which you don't like, that is really bad although mothers day is a bad day for you. you should really try and talk him again, there might still be potential.

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Warning applied for breach of charter. In Personal Issues replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased. The Charter can be found here please read it before posting in PI again.

carsynogenic

Hey guys, think this will probably be the last update. Things have gone from bad to worse, she's still texting him outside work and he's still answering her and not discouraging her. If anything it's the opposite. In the last 3 months he's accused me of being jealous of any woman he talks to, that I'm controlling and that I need to go and see someone. He's said that I'll be the one who breaks up the marriage, because I keep fighting with him for not keeping her at a distance. He told me that 11 years ago he suspected that there was something going on with a guy I worked with (I knew at the time he felt like the guy had feelings for me) and that for all he knew I could have shagged him. He still doesn't know for sure that I didn't. I couldn't believe my ears, I reminded him that he picked us up and he said "for all I know that was his gaff" and then I reminded him that he dropped him home. I could see something register in his eyes. He's since denied he ever said that

2 weeks ago my mam got ill, and she passed away. We've been fighting nearly every day, and he keeps asking "is this about *insert cuntz name"?

The night before her funeral he made a show of me talking to me like **** in front of the staff and I lost it. His words on the way home "when this blows over we need to have a serious talk*

This week I was off sick from work, rang him well after he should have left and I was annoyed because we needed stuff in the shop, he came home and asked me why I was in bed and said, and I quote" I don't know how much more of this I can take" and "I don't know what to do to help you unless I dissolve myself into doing what you want and that feels wrong" referring to me asking him to respond to the disappearing messages that came when we were in Amsterdam. In response to her "just trying to make you jealous" text I asked him why that should make him jealous? I told him to ask her why he'd be jealous when he's in Amsterdam with his wife, he didn't want to send it because it felt wrong. But her messaging him apparently was ok, regardless of how it upset me. He wouldn't give me a straight answer.

Another fight yesterday because I was venting about stuff that has come up as a result of mams death, was told I need to see someone.

My head was spinning, felt like I was losing my mind he's just that good at manipulating me. After he said that he felt like I was sick of him, and that "I remember this prick and I've decided I don't like him anymore". Again said I really need to talk to someone.

I suddenly realized when my heart sank but the fog cleared, he's projecting. He's miserable but he doesn't want a reputation for leaving me & the kids, especially after mam passing. He hasn't got the courage to leave so he's hiding behind our marriage and making shite of me in the meantime. He's painting me as the nutty jealous girlfriend in work & **** knows where else, and constantly giving out about the kids (especially my son). He lied about asking his colleagues opinion on the disappearing photos, said he didn't want them to think his wife was nuts, but then admitted yesterday that he did tell them and they said they told her to send it and he thinks she sent it on disappearing by accident.

He has also now turned his online presence off, so I can't see if he's on line. We both used to use this as a way of knowing if either was busy in work and whether or not it was a good time to call. He used it if I was off so he'd know if I was up. I know because I did the same just to see if I really was losing it. He makes me feel like some insufferable clingy suffocating pathetic person.

I took his advice and went for counseling this evening, I was there for 2 hours, and she asked me what I was going to do about him gaslighting me. And why do I think he's so reluctant to put distance between him and her.

This isn't going to turn out well for our marriage. At the end of the day I don't know if I can get over it. It's looking like I'm going to call it quits, I'm nobody s consolation prize, but at least I can say that I tried my best, but now I have to protect my mental health.

*Apologies for the italic in the middle, I don't know how to turn it off*

Thanks for the support and advice guys

Big Bag of Chips

His response is very typical of someone who's doing something they know they shouldn't. He's been caught out now so he's trying to turn it around to make you be at fault. It's a common tactic.

I feel very sad for you because life is going to be very difficult for you. You've just lost your mam, which is an awful time and rather than being supportive to you at this time he's threatening you. He's not a nice person. He's self preserving and you are far down his list of priorities.

I think he thinks you'll just accept all this, and he can continue his little fling and continue his cosy family life. There might be nothing physical going on but the fact he's trying to bring up things from the past and is accusing you of cheating with no real basis means he's trying to justify what he knows is pretty shtty behaviour.

Take your time. There's no rush to make any decision. Continue counselling and build yourself back up. You are at a very low point in your life right now and he's selfishly only thinking of himself. You will come through this one way or another. Try to not continue a circular argument with him. He is not going to change his behaviour and he's not going to change his attitude. Build yourself back up and make whatever decision you feel is right. You'll be ok.

carsynogenic

Thanks so much for this, I just feel broken. I haven't cried like this since my son died. At the same time I'm a bit relieved that I know it's not all in my head. I can't see a way forward and I can't believe it could end like this. He denied turning off visibility but he's downstairs on FB now but it's not showing up. Like why lie about that? Why do that at all. So many questions about his distancing behavior and I can't ask or it turns into a row and I'm sick of the fighting

carsynogenic

Also he's caught himself out about hiding his online presence. 2 days ago I was checking because he kept saying he was busy in work, and he was off line for 3 hours. During yet another row that evening he was insisting that I was offline for 3 hours, I kept saying no, it was YOU offline for 3 hours, I had been sharing stuff and messaging with other people that I could prove. He just now said to me "why didn't you ask me for that" and I said because I couldn't see if you were online, and he whipped round with "that's because you have your visibility turned off" as if it was some kind of gotcha. I very calmly said "well that explains why you couldn't see me the other day, because you had switched yours off despite you denying down to the ground. I'm not going to ask why you've started to do that but I'll take it at face value and assume it's to avoid inconvenient calls from me. And I just walked back upstairs.

I know this sounds so fuckin petty and small but I can't tell you how much it hurts to feel like I'm such a loser in his eyes. It would be so much less cruel if he just left.

AyeGer

This is still going on? I haven’t been in this thread in a while. You first posted about this 5 months ago btw.

Wtf is this guy playing at.

YellowLead

I think BBOC gave great advice. There is no point in arguing about this with him anymore, he’ll continue to deny and put the blame back on you. And you are only causing yourself more distress monitoring and wondering.

Focus on your own health - physical and mental. You’re still grieving for your mother so it’s not decision time right now. Stick with the counselling and take the high road with himself. Interact with him at a distant cordial level, in the knowledge that things have changed and you will likely end the marriage when ready. I don’t think it matters really whether he has done something physical or not, he’s emotionally cheating, lying, and prioritising this woman over you. The way he speaks to you indicates he’s lost all fondness for you - you deserve so much better.

carsynogenic

This is exactly it! But I can't hide it at the moment, I would just rather let it go and mourn the relationship than feel like my sanity is not my own. He's on his way home from work now to talk so I don't know how this will pan out but it's damaged for sure. I don't know if we can get past it. Thanks guys

Big Bag of Chips

OP, difficult as it is you're going to have to stop torturing yourself with checking him on line and trying to get him to admit to any wrong doing. It's not going to happen. You are now a nag in his eyes and he is completely justified in having this "friendship" with his colleague.

It's so so difficult to handle but you now know he's lying to you. As I said he mightn't be physically doing anything with this woman but he knows they have crossed a line. He admitted it a while ago but is now backtracking.

You have to stop trying to get him to admit to anything. He won't. He'll just keep twisting everything trying to make you out to be at fault. If he would agree to counselling together you both might be able to work through issues. If you're honest this won't be the only issue in your marriage. Every relationship has problems. Both sides contributing. He probably won't agree though because he wants to keep the upperhand and make you out to be 100% at fault. Nobody is 100% at fault for relationship problems - except in the case of abusive relationships obviously.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation in my marriage and trust me when I say arguing and trying to get him to admit to any wrongdoing won't work. He's not ready yet to admit that he's crossed a line. He may never be in ready, and that's something you have to come to terms with.

spockety

Your husband needs to hear from someone outside your relationship how unreasonable he's being. Your communication to him on it should be enough, but it's clearly not.

juno10353

What a horrible time for you.

Please take time out from your husband. He is behaving so obnoxiously it is insane. Don't give him any more oxygen to torment you. Let him and his behaviour go, in your mind.

Concentrate on you, offload at your counsellor. Allow yourself this time to grieve the loss of your mother, which has also brought up the loss of your son too.

Be gentle on yourself, be nice to yourself, be your own best friend. Speak to your doctor about the stress you are under. Get your bloods tested. Ensure you are at your healthiest as stress and grief take a huge toll on our health too.

The very last thing you need now is to be dealing with a petty, bullying, vindictive man. No need to make any big moves..… just let him go in your head. No more checking up. No more asking him about it, no more letting him know its bothering you, that gives him fuel.

It won't be easy, but combined with you being nice to yourself you will begin to feel healthier, stronger and in control of your own life and emotions.

Self care is the starting point. It does help, believe me I've been there. I wish you well and wish you a calm happy fulfilling future

spakman

We're only getting one side of the story here obviously. If my partner was constantly questioning my online status on social media, that would definitely lead to rows and mistrust. Granted, the mistrust probably originated from his texting this work colleague, but again, he obviously thinks there was nothing wrong with the texting, so probably feels he's being vilified and nagged despite not having done anything "wrong".

I mean no offence, but OP posts are long and rambling, and if discussions with the partner are similar, I can see how it leads to arguments and confusion.

I would suggest getting your thoughts clear and if necessary write them down in calm and concise language. Then try to raise them with your partner when both parties are calm, not when something has already happened to cause an argument.

You might find the discussion is a lot more rational and productive that way.

Big Bag of Chips

Below is a piece that can be nice to read occasionally. I've highlighted my particular favourite part of it and try to live by it most days. Some days I fail 😉. Some days I succeed.

-------------------------------------------

Just for today I will try to live through this day
only, and not tackle my whole life problem at
once. I can do something for twelve hours that
would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up
for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as
happy as they make up their minds to be.
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own
desires. I will take my ‘luck’ as it comes, and fit
myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study. I will learn something useful. I will
not be a mental loafer. I will read something
that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three
ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not
get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not
count. I will do at least two things I don’t want
to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone
that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but
today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as
well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act
courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault
with anything and not try to improve or
regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a programme. I may
not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will
save myself from two pests: hurry and
indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all
by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime, I will try to get a better perspective
of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so the
world will give to me.

Squatman

my condolences for the loss of your mother, and previously your son. a terrible situation to be in, and disappointing that your life partner is not sticking by to support you. Even if he genuinely believed the tripe he is spouting, you are allowed this during your grief. If you ever need to vent... <snip>