Feeling like a psycho

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121363729#Comment_121363729

My lord! Don't do any of this.

reclose

At the minimum he was enjoying the attention he was getting.

I wouldn’t be cool with it either.

Glad you are trying to sort it out, it will be hard to push those thoughts away.

Dog day

Hi OP, I haven’t posted here in a long time but I’ve been following your thread.

Although I think you’re taking a relatively calm & measured approach I fear that this won’t end here. From what you’ve told us I’d be almost positive that there’s more to this, it’s all in the details you’ve given.

I think your husband has been almost ‘hiding in plain sight’ with the way he’s been behaving. The insistence that you can look at his phone & then the subsequent deletion/disappearance of messages. I don’t buy that it’s as simple as he was flattered with the attention & it’s some kind of mid-life crisis. Friendships with colleagues of the opposite sex are fine but major boundaries have been crossed & even if something physical hasn’t happened I’d be guessing he wants it to & that this is where this is heading.

And although it seems you’re very happy with how your recent conversation with him went I’m not buying it. I’m sorry to be so direct but please be on guard. Listen to your gut here.

maninasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121321736#Comment_121321736

Usual exagerrated response on the internet.

-----------

Warning applied for breach of charter. As per the Charter, offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread. Its then up to them to decide what advice to follow

HS

skallywag

Just to offer a different angle perhaps ...

I have a female work colleague who I text regularly outside of work, sometimes chatting about work sometimes about things nothing to do with work. Can be texting at any time of the day or night really. We have become quite good friends, and we also discuss topics which would be quite personal to us both. There is no way that anything would ever 'happen' between us though. We are just friends.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121379777#Comment_121379777

Are you in a committed relationship? If so is your SO bothered by it? Has she passed any remarks on it?

Things are much improved, I feel like we may have dodged something. The inappropriate texting has stopped

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121381376#Comment_121381376

Are they serious questions? Because it comes across like you almost believe its not possible for work colleagues to be genuine friends, outside of work.

I for one, would not tolerate this kind of policing of my friendships by a SO!

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121381450#Comment_121381450

Why are you badgering the OP, you weren't asked those questions.

The OP is happy with their outcome, why not just wish them well?

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382199#Comment_121382199

Who are you, a mod?

I do wish the OP well, but unless she is very careful, she is on a very straight path to messing it all up.

No one likes a controlling partner, and she needs to avoid becoming one.

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382220#Comment_121382220

There's a big difference between advising the OP of being aware of that and accusing them of it, which you seem to be intent on.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382691#Comment_121382691

Why don't you stick to the mod instruction above of advising the OP in your posts, instead of policing other posters comments?

Funny, you don't seem to be bothered by any of the comments from other posters who are hell bent on trying to undermine the OP's confidence in her partner.

OP, by your own posts the texting stopped over a month ago, now. It's time to move on.

Hannibal_Smith

@Ezeoul and @standardg60 that's enough. Bickering between you both offers nothing to the OP.

HS

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382743#Comment_121382743

Yeah I've just started to ignore your posts because you are overly aggressive imo and seem to be deliberately ignoring my valid points. I also thought that maybe the neediness of your ex was more based on his instincts that there was something amiss in your relationship and that's what your ex was picking up on. Maybe that's where their insecurity was coming from? Just a thought 🤔

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382199#Comment_121382199

Projection me thinks

Escapees

Unusual but great to see an OP on this forum with the self esteem to call out and stand up to 'unhelpful' posters!

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382897#Comment_121382897

That's fine, good luck.

I shared my experience of being the innocent party in a relationship with a jealous, controlling ex which you now want to throw back in my face, to make yourself feel better. That says a lot about you.

But whatever. It's no skin off my nose whether you break up, or stay together, I don't know you.

This forum is known for hysterical overreactions and people being advised to break up their relationships for the slightest reason. You're free to follow the advice of those who are hellbent on convincing you not to trust your partner, and that he is a cheat, if you wish. I give you a year.

I do feel sorry for your partner, who has actually done nothing wrong.

That's the last piece of advice I'll offer you.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383017#Comment_121383017

Yeah thanks, I'd appreciate it if you stopped jumping on and aggressively comparing me to your jealous controlling ex. You're projecting and you still seem very angry, maybe you should talk to someone about it, I'm not being facetious. Initially I appreciated your advice, and I'm well aware how unfounded accusations can cause resentment, but you missed my point entirely and turned my post into somewhere you could vent about your experience. Anyway good luck to you 👍

Ezeoul

I don't think you understand what "projecting" actually is - it's what all those posters who are telling you how because they were cheating / cheated on, your husband is definitely cheating on you too. Not me giving you an insight into what it's like to be accused in the wrong, which I mentioned once briefly, for context only, hardly venting. Take your own advice and talk to someone, I don't need too, thanks.

We're done here.

Mellor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058320937/feeling-like-a-psycho

You seem to have a hang up on the fact that a he is friends with a female colleague. The fact he was doing this openly suggests he wasn't sneaking about. If people are cheating, they'll try to be a bit more secretive.

At this point I did say she was unprofessional and crossing a boundary & I am not amused. He waves it off airily

Why do you think it's unprofessional? It was not a professional interaction. If it was a male colleague that called him, would you have a issue? Think about that.

I can absolutely tell you that NOTHING about their work warranted a text at that time.

Are work friends only allowed to contact each other about work. That's a bit weird.

I have noticed that his phone is now stuck up his arse & he's changed access from a pin to his face.

What phone does he have? I'd be surprise it he was able to disable the pin. Spying on his phone is pretty **** behaviour.

Few weeks later I overheard him on the phone to another colleague discussing this other woman and somehow he knows her work routine, i.e. what she does before she comes to work.

I work with 2 other senior managers. I know the female gets up early runs on the beach before work and it in bed early. The guy goes to spin after work. He's more of a night owl, we'll often grab drinks after work. Knowing that is all very normal.

He may be cheating. I've no idea. But people telling you he is doing something wrong because he (openly) has a female work friend are stuck in 1920s. There is nothing inherently wrong with that - if people think a male/female relationship can only be sexual, are saying more about themselves than any other else. Do you have any male friends?

Just be careful. I know you can't help your gut feeling. (to the person who said a gut feeling is rarely wrong, lmfao). But accusing somebody of cheating is pretty serious. That kind of distrust and disrespect is a pretty good way to push somebody away for good.

Escapees

Personally I feel the OP is in a much better place now after taking onboard some of the advice offered and dealing with their situation. I'm therefore puzzled somewhat as to why new contributors seem to getting involved at this point and muddying the waters. I'm really not sure it's helpful to the OP...

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121381376#Comment_121381376

Yes, I am in a long term relationship. No, she is not bothered about it at all, but I have never been in any way 'secretive' about it I suppose. She has been to my place a few times too, so they would be somewhat familiar with each other, perhaps this also removes any suspicion, etc.

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383494#Comment_121383494

I have an issue with a female texting my husband at 12.30 am on a Friday night/ Saturday morning. I think anyone normal would, I know if I received a text at that time he would not be amused. Anyway the issue is resolved now thank 😊

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383571#Comment_121383571

It's really not 🤣

carsynogenic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383929#Comment_121383929

Yes of course, you'd know more about my relationship than I do 🙄🤣

If it's not an issue for your partner then that's what works for you, having boundaries that we each respect works well for us. Neither of us appreciate unsolicited texts in the middle of the night no matter who they're from.

Thanks for your input

Hannibal_Smith

Thread closed at OP's request. Thanks to all who took the time to offer advice.

As discussed OP, if you want the thread reopened for further advice just let one of the PI mods know and we can do it for you.

All the best

HS

Hannibal_Smith

Thread reopened at OPs request.

carsynogenic

It's not great tbh, now she's sending him disappearing photos. When we're away on hols, telling him " they" miss him. Long and very ugly story, he's still denying that there's anything going on. He's still insisting that they're not having much contact (after the row) but yet during a previous argument he told me does be on teams with her after everyone else has gone. I'm not sure what is worse, the gaslighting or the utter disregard for my feelings. There's more to it than that, but I'm too exhausted at the moment to type it all up straight. No sleep and crying all the time will do that to you

Escapees

My gut feeling on things is just to simply trust your own gut feeling on what to do and go with that. You don't come across as someone who's not in touch with reality or your feelings etc.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's ultimatum time. There might well be nothing going on, although I highly doubt it. But he should respect you and your relationship enough to put boundaries in place with her.

You are also entitled to put your own boundaries in place. You can tell him what you are willing to tolerate, or not in your relationship. That then gives him the chance to agree to your boundaries, or not.

But you can't pretend to be fine with something that you're not. And if it's something that is really upsetting you it's up to him to reassure you (with evidence!) or to stop having an inappropriate relationship with her. If he won't give up his relationship with her, preferring instead to continuously hurt your feelings then you really need to look at where you stand in the relationship, and if you're happy to remain in that position.

YellowLead

Whether there is something going on or not - I don’t think there are many partners who would accept what you are accepting and many who think they’d get away with what he is. An emotional affair can be worse than just sex. There’s no point yet again believing what he says and hoping he will change, he won’t and he’s taking you for granted.