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One-Liner Jokes

1…9394969899…118

Comments

  • #4752
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Tried calling the tinnitus helpline.

    No answer.

    Just kept ringing.



  • #4753
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75





  • #4754
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just tried some of the new Viagra tea bags,I'm still crap in bed, but at least my biscuits no longer go soggy when I dunk them.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4755
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why is VI afraid of VII?..............Because VII VIII IX.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4756
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Since getting back from my vacation in Asia, I've been completely disoriented.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4757
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was looking at an archery set for Christmas, you can even get it gift-wrapped so it comes with a bow!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4758
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was, she said March 1st, so I walked round the room and asked her again.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4759
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/J2onyabike/status/1473758090549944320


    ...



  • #4760
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    You think Omicron is bad, just wait until Megatron shows up.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4761
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My first job was sound engineer for the band that played at Stonehenge....................I no longer mix in those circles.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4762
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife said she saw a deer on the way to work this morning, wonder how she knew it was going to work?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4763
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    As a personal tribute to David Bowie, I've made a whole tin of Heroes last just for one day.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4764
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just found out Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

    Certainly explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4765
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,226 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Dwarfism is a growing problem. Actually my neighbour is a dwarf, I look out for him and he really looks up to me.



  • #4766
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118398131#Comment_118398131

    It's a hard life being a dwarf.

    Trying to put food on the table can be difficult



  • #4767
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118398476#Comment_118398476

    He wasn't Happy.



  • #4768
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,864 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    I heard the story of the seven dwarfs - they were mostly miserable. Only one was Happy.



  • #4769
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm a super dad. Only took me 3 hours to build a Lego set that had 3-7 years on the box.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4770
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man and my super power would be...foiling crime.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4771
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,226 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Me: So when will I actually receive the shark

    Loan Shark: What?



  • #4772
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/Browtweaten/status/1481341755870138368
    https://twitter.com/Browtweaten/status/1475892430671163400


    ...



  • #4773
    gormdubhgorm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,905 ✭✭✭✭gormdubhgorm


    I heard that a fella fell into the vat of whiskey..... he bravely fought off twelve of his rescuers.

    Guff about stuff, and stuff about guff.



  • #4774
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118495182#Comment_118495182

    I heard he was cremated.


    And it took three days to put out the fire.



  • #4775
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,078 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I bought a chicken last week to make some sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just sh**ts on the floor.



  • #4776
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,226 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I scared the postman today by showing up to the door fully naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, the fact I was fully naked or the fact I knew where he lived.



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  • #4777
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,126 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I just met the head of the Indian Maffia.


    Poppa Don



  • #4778
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,078 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Restrictions lifted

    Extra Bank Holiday

    Meatloaf alive,


    Well, two out of three ain’t bad.



  • #4779
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 775 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    Bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

    Pictures of your own bad parking WITH CHAT



  • #4780
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,078 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I’ve just been diagnosed with the new COVID variant. It’s being called the peek-a-boo variant. I’m being transferred to ICU.



  • #4781
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the london underground. We went from Barking to tooting in half an hour!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4782
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If I had a Euro for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4783
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a Dart Board on a ceiling.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4784
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    I have a fear of overly intricate buildings... I have a complex complex complex.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4785
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 775 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    I’m reading the latest novel by Stephen King in Braille and something bad is about to happen . . . I can feel it.

    Pictures of your own bad parking WITH CHAT



  • #4786
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4787
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 775 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    Bought a new desk from IKEA and it said on the side "SELF ASSEMBLY" I took it out of the box, sat and watched it for hours . . . It didn't do anything!

    Pictures of your own bad parking WITH CHAT



  • #4788
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/govindajeggy/status/1487384544474972164


    ...



  • #4789
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

    So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm,

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4790
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Vladimir Putin arriving at airport passport check.

    Guard: "Occupation?"

    Putin: "No, Just visiting. "



  • #4791
    dilallio
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭dilallio


    The guy who invented Velcro died yesterday.

    RIP



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  • #4792
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not water proof.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4793
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Where to Egyptians go when they have a sore back?

    The Cairo-practor

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4794
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,474 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    King Tut was only 1 meter tall. But he was a good ruler.



  • #4795
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I've a Mexican friend, he lives in England and I occasionally visit for a long weekend.

    One time when I arrive, he was out on the back lawn with a croquet mallet, a shovel, onions, tomatoes, jalapeños, avocados and a lime.

    Apparently he was making whackamole.



  • #4796
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I saw elvis in Woodies earlier today.................Returned a Sander.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4797
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My ex tells everybody that I really knew how to push her buttons.

    I tell them if that were true she would have been on Mute !

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4798
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My pet Siberian Hamster died today..........he fell asleep at the wheel

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4799
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 775 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    My girlfriend can no longer attend next weeks 'Innuendo Seminar' in Muff. . . so I have to fill her slot instead.

    Pictures of your own bad parking WITH CHAT



  • #4800
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,353 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Even though I'm now bald I still carry around my old comb,I just can't part with it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4801
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I typed "Missing medieval servant" into Google and it came up with "Page not found"



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