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I heard that a fella fell into the vat of whiskey..... he bravely fought off twelve of his rescuers.
I heard he was cremated.
And it took three days to put out the fire.
I bought a chicken last week to make some sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just sh**ts on the floor.
I scared the postman today by showing up to the door fully naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, the fact I was fully naked or the fact I knew where he lived.
I just met the head of the Indian Maffia.
Poppa Don
Restrictions lifted
Extra Bank Holiday
Meatloaf alive,
Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
Bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve just been diagnosed with the new COVID variant. It’s being called the peek-a-boo variant. I’m being transferred to ICU.
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the london underground. We went from Barking to tooting in half an hour!
If I had a Euro for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a Dart Board on a ceiling.
I have a fear of overly intricate buildings... I have a complex complex complex.
I’m reading the latest novel by Stephen King in Braille and something bad is about to happen . . . I can feel it.
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.
Bought a new desk from IKEA and it said on the side "SELF ASSEMBLY" I took it out of the box, sat and watched it for hours . . . It didn't do anything!
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm,
Vladimir Putin arriving at airport passport check.
Guard: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, Just visiting. "
The guy who invented Velcro died yesterday.
RIP
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not water proof.
Where to Egyptians go when they have a sore back?
The Cairo-practor
King Tut was only 1 meter tall. But he was a good ruler.
I've a Mexican friend, he lives in England and I occasionally visit for a long weekend.
One time when I arrive, he was out on the back lawn with a croquet mallet, a shovel, onions, tomatoes, jalapeños, avocados and a lime.
Apparently he was making whackamole.
I saw elvis in Woodies earlier today.................Returned a Sander.
My ex tells everybody that I really knew how to push her buttons.
I tell them if that were true she would have been on Mute !
My pet Siberian Hamster died today..........he fell asleep at the wheel
My girlfriend can no longer attend next weeks 'Innuendo Seminar' in Muff. . . so I have to fill her slot instead.
Even though I'm now bald I still carry around my old comb,I just can't part with it.
I typed "Missing medieval servant" into Google and it came up with "Page not found"
