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One-Liner Jokes

1…9293959798…118

Comments

  • #4702
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call an Italian beggar?

    Giovanni Change

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4703
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118083498#Comment_118083498

    What do you call an Irish bodyguard?

    Liam Malone



  • #4704
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just bought some HP sauce.

    It's 10 Cents a month for 2 years.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4705
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went to a fat psychic once, or as I like to say, a 4 chin teller.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4706
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I met the customs officer who claims he invented the cavity search or at least had a hand in it.



  • #4707
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm making a film about a plane hijacking - we're shooting the pilot this weekend.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4708
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,622 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    What did the horse say to the one-legged cowboy?

    How you getting on?



  • #4709
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Everyone always talks about what a genius Albert Einstein was but they never mention what a monster his brother Frank was. :-D

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4710
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes…it all about raisin awareness

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4711
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. If I put my ear on it I can smell the sea!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4712
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local shop...I don't know how these people sleep at night

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4713
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid. Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4714
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Which artist was the first Frenchman to have an additional toilet built into his house?

    Toulouse Lautrec.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4715
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What I if told you you read this sentence wrong?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4716
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I returned a sweater because of static cling.

    They gave another one free of charge.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4717
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I asked my wife why we never talk about gravity, She said it just never seems to come up

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4718
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,164 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118144594#Comment_118144594

    Underrated :)



  • #4719
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/runcertain/status/1458400015995580416


    ...



  • #4720
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Always give 100%, unless it's blood

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4721
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    This morning I learnt that Albert Einstein was a real person,Up until now, I'd always thought he was a theoretical physicist.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4722
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The inventor of autocorrect has died, His funnel is tomato

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4723
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    my other half drank a pint of invisible ink last night - she's still in A&E waiting to be seen.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4724
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I thought I heard someone say Hello in Arabic, but it turned out to be a false Salaam.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4725
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4726
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Grandpa just revealed he's addicted to Viagra and nobody's taking it harder than Grandma.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4727
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Surely, if robots had a gender, it would be emale.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4728
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I don't know why everybody hates lazy people, We didn't even do anything.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4729
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    A Blind guy walks into a bar... and a chair and a table.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4730
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4731
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with Star Wars.

    I told her, "may divorce be with you."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4732
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I ate a kids meal at McDonalds today, their mom was furious.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4733
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    "Sorry sir, we don't take €50 notes any more, we've had too much trouble with forgeries."

    "Okay. Will you take a €30 note?"



  • #4734
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Someone’s been spreading rumours on Facebook that I’m a schizophrenic. Well, three can play at that game.



  • #4735
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I tried to send Bugs Bunny a file through Google Drive, but he only accepts a Whatsapp doc.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4736
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I dyed my hair today,It was the highlight of my week.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4737
    boombang
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,108 ✭✭✭boombang


    Just looked up the recipe for French toast, turns out you don't start off with French bread.



  • #4738
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes,It's all about raisin awareness.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4739
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,470 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I knew an electrician who died eating a muffin. He was dragged under by a strong currant.



  • #4740
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?

    A Meanderthal.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4741
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I've never trusted lizards.. right from the gecko



  • #4742
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    This Polish lad Piotr down the gym, big into his weightlifting, says he's going to quit his job in financial service and go work for ESB Networks doing electricity wires. It was a surprise at first ...


    ... but he's just a big power pole.



  • #4743
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,225 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I just invented a thought controlled air freshener. It’s sounds crazy but it makes scents when you think about it.



  • #4744
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help with my posture, but I stand corrected.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4745
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I said to my son, "If you think our microwave, phone and TV spying on us is bad, our vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on us for years!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4746
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4747
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I just found out Canada isn't real.


    It's all maple leaf.



  • #4748
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Duvet Know It's Christmas is being released in the charts soon. 


    It's a cover.



  • #4749
    wotzgoingon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,309 ✭✭✭✭wotzgoingon


    I'm private dick, very private dick. I used to be public dick but after that incident in the park.



  • #4750
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    My wife just called me pretentious. I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4751
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    So I say to the waitress, "Tell me about the menu please", and she says, "The men in my life are none of your business!"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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