This Polish lad Piotr down the gym, big into his weightlifting, says he's going to quit his job in financial service and go work for ESB Networks doing electricity wires. It was a surprise at first ...
... but he's just a big power pole.
I just invented a thought controlled air freshener. It’s sounds crazy but it makes scents when you think about it.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help with my posture, but I stand corrected.
I said to my son, "If you think our microwave, phone and TV spying on us is bad, our vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on us for years!
I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.
I just found out Canada isn't real.
It's all maple leaf.
Duvet Know It's Christmas is being released in the charts soon.
It's a cover.
I'm private dick, very private dick. I used to be public dick but after that incident in the park.
My wife just called me pretentious. I was so surprised my monocle fell out.
So I say to the waitress, "Tell me about the menu please", and she says, "The men in my life are none of your business!"
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline.
No answer.
Just kept ringing.
I just tried some of the new Viagra tea bags,I'm still crap in bed, but at least my biscuits no longer go soggy when I dunk them.
Why is VI afraid of VII?..............Because VII VIII IX.
Since getting back from my vacation in Asia, I've been completely disoriented.
I was looking at an archery set for Christmas, you can even get it gift-wrapped so it comes with a bow!
When I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was, she said March 1st, so I walked round the room and asked her again.
...
You think Omicron is bad, just wait until Megatron shows up.
My first job was sound engineer for the band that played at Stonehenge....................I no longer mix in those circles.
My wife said she saw a deer on the way to work this morning, wonder how she knew it was going to work?
As a personal tribute to David Bowie, I've made a whole tin of Heroes last just for one day.
Just found out Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.
Certainly explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet.
Dwarfism is a growing problem. Actually my neighbour is a dwarf, I look out for him and he really looks up to me.
It's a hard life being a dwarf.
Trying to put food on the table can be difficult
He wasn't Happy.
I heard the story of the seven dwarfs - they were mostly miserable. Only one was Happy.
I'm a super dad. Only took me 3 hours to build a Lego set that had 3-7 years on the box.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man and my super power would be...foiling crime.
Me: So when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: What?
