Things you'd like to say to them

Hello Mammy. Words I've been saying to you for most of my life and continued to do so the last few days as you lay in the coffin. 'Hello mammy', 'see you tomorrow', 'talk to you tomorrow', 'are you ok', 'your hands are freezing', 'I wish you would wake up'. I wanted to put gloves on you. You were there but not there and it is nothing like how I thought it would be. It felt like the dementia had taken you but it hadn't, this is different and what do I do now mammy? You were the best in the world. A kind word, a joke, a helping hand, the epitome of 'she would talk to the wall'. All those times we would walk down the town together and you stopping to chat with every second person, me being bored wishing you would hurry up. Do you remember the time you and H and me hid on the decent but intense regular visitor we had? We were plagued by him but you felt he was lonely so opened up our home and welcomed him in. Until he took a shine to me :D But we still felt sorry for him so rather than having daddy send him away we went down the road a bit and kept watch :D Absolutely bonkers stuff but we got a great laugh out of it.

Me clinging to you as I sat on the back of your bike on my way to school. That was the best. You smelled all perfumey. If it was a wet morning you put a tracksuit bottoms under my school dress to help keep me warm and sort of dry. Oh how I hated that, I had such an acute sense of feeling different even then and that just amplified it. That was love though and I was so lucky. You could have been luckier, I have many regrets. I know you would never ever think that but I feel such sadness in my heart for the times I was not the daughter you deserved. I am deeply sorry for that and promise you that if we had the time again I would make it up to you.

Your 'cooking' though 😆 Potatoes as dry as Gandhi's slipper and gravy with more lumps in it than an auld mattress. The rotation of fish/crispy pancakes/cabbage and rashers 😂 It didn't matter mam. Not then and not now. I can still smell the YR sauce that daddy used to smother his spuds in and the smell of oil from his work clothes. You fussing. Then one day you decided you weren't going to cook dinner anymore. We thought it was the strangest thing but sure that was the start of it. The subtle personality changes. Your love of children slowly turned in to suspicion and we had to send away our regular little visitors explaining that you weren't well. There was plenty of humour in those times too which was so fitting for the woman you were. Money being stored in the freezer, your upfrontness being amplified in often hilarious ways, and then there was 'baby'. You got awful attached to my childhood doll and took her with you into the nursing home. She was such a comfort to you. Frogs as well. You had my poor aunt in pieces with your finding of frogs. The weirdest thing but there seemed to be quite a few of them around that summer. I remember being in bed one morning and in you came to show me the latest one. I have the photo still.

You would have been so delighted to see the turnout for you mammy. People have been so kind and supportive. A few of the usual 'dictators' as well but that wouldn't have surprised you 😛 They were there because of Daddy too. He is doing ok and I am minding him as best I can. You don't need to worry about that.

I love you Mammy. You were my best friend. All the good bits in me are because of you. You are how I recognise love because you gave it to me first and vice versa. Thank you.