What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar · 10-08-2021 6:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117732850#Comment_117732850

Good call Mr S.

After enjoying nice cans of good Eastern European beer, fresh and freezing out of the refrigerator, who wants to waddle into a fcuking pub, inhale the waft of stinking fetid farts, and a bunch of soaks trying to start ‘de singsong’ and batther your ears with bullshït.

Lad I was beside in the club opened his hole and blew out a watery fart-string of fcuking pearls.Filthy fcuker. 22 hcap and the cnünt could go round in less that 10 over.

I suggested he buy a set of wind-chimes and hang them on his belt at the back.

can do without cnunts like that, thank you very much.

16-08-2021 11:51pm

My missus went to one of those hen yokes last Thursday evening, so I had the weekend to myself. Suffice to say I went to town on it, culminating in an epic night of pint consumption on Saturday with three oiks from Mayo up in the Big Smoke celebrating their glorious victory over the Jackeens. Won't bore you with too many details, but from Thursday to approximately 4am on Sunday morning I put away at least 30 pints of porter, 3 fried breakfasts, a portion of volcano chicken wings, a bag of Snyder's of Hanover Jalapeño Pieces, and a dinner box from one of Pat McDonagh's eatin' houses.

Suffice to say there was an explosive discharge on Sunday around 1PM, but nothing since. Extremely 'bound up' as I type this. Lot of gurgling from the lower digestive system, and that feeling things are very backed up down below, but no twitching as of yet. Wasn't too worried until about 7PM this evening, but now getting bad cramps. Had a serious feed of bacon and cabbage with new potatoes and a pint of milk this evening, but that didn't help.

Have a punnet of plums from Aldi ready for the morning. I'll keeo you all updated on progress.

You the man · 16-08-2021 11:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117764751#Comment_117764751

You didn't consume half enough porter to break down that fatty food!

Nevin Parsnipp · 18-08-2021 6:13pm

Pulsed out a bhladdery gowt of foul smelling runnell this morn...

Left a definite sting on the ring peice....and would have "hard glazed" the pewter if not flushed rapido.

I blame a sac of Bombay Mix I got in Dealz and which I injested with cans of Guinness..whilst watchin that Dub thug take out the Mayo lads top set.

Nowt a good coating of Savlon can't take care of ....

Brendan Bendar · 18-08-2021 6:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117772979#Comment_117772979

I’m afraid will take more than Savlon to bring down the ‘ring sting’ Nevin ,after injesting that lot.

Now for example I got a large bag of Bombay Mix from ‘Mr Price’ and consumed it with a generous amount of Poland’s finest Karpackie.

Suffice to say things ‘fought back’ the following morning and just got into work in time to coat the bowl with something like what would come out of a broken muck spreader.

Strides flecked with splash back and ring like a ceramic hot plate up to 9.

Took four days and ‘handfulls’ of ‘Caldescene Puffs’ to bring her down calm enough to discharge a log like the retaining rope of ‘Carnival of the Sea’ docked in Rushcutters Bay.

Just a warning, dude.

23-08-2021 2:48pm

The humidity worries me.

I was visiting my brother and his wife and kids in Dublin one weekend during really humid weather a couple of years back, and on the Sunday afternoon I felt a bit queasy. Not terribly sick or anything but I didn't feel like eating, and my stomach was quite crampy. I couldn't recall anything dodgy that I'd eaten, and nobody else was experiencing same. Anyway, my brother dropped me off in plenty of time for the 6pm bus home to Cork from Westmoreland Street. 6pm arrived and no sign of the bus, which is unusual. Unlike a lot of buses, the Aircoach is very punctual. Waited a while more and then asked the driver of another bus, who advised me that the Cork stop had been changed to Aston Quay. Annoyed with Aircoach for not stating this on the website I headed into Starbucks to wait for the 7pm bus. And then, so suddenly, while I was in the busy queue, it commenced... I was on the verge of jumping up and down. Perspiration beads started to pour down my face. Panic central. I ordered the first thing I could see, but more importantly a ticket for the loo because of course it had to be one of those toilets. Made a dash, praying there'd be no queue. Of course the damn ticket number didn't work. Had to ask for help to unlock the door. Desperation at this point. Got through. But ffs, a blasted flight of stairs to below. The "bowels" of the building, heheh. Horrific kip of a toilet. Foul. But oh my god I may as well have entered the gates of heaven. And it was nothing that I, a very ladylike colleen, could have made worse. The unpleasantness was over in no time.

Never been so grateful to miss a bus.

Kermit.de.frog · 23-08-2021 9:35pm

I estimate that at least three quarters of the posters in this thread need to visit their doctor at the earliest possible convenience.

easygoing39 · 24-08-2021 3:36pm

So dropped off 2 brown trout in the pan,no fuss,ease of exit,normal movement.Was doing the clean up,couple of wipes and nearly ready to pull up the strides and wash the hands.When an urge to open the bomb-bay doors came again,and out popped another little delivery,much smaller than normal and more soft in texture.So had to do another clean up of the cheeks.Now this late arrival event has'nt happened to me in over 40 years!!

24-08-2021 3:51pm

Visited the facilities in work this morning and pinched off an absolutely massive gigaturd. One of those movements where you have to gurn, close your eyes, and hold onto your knees for support.

Anyways, said I’d take a peek at this absolute demon of dinners past. Nothing. The bowl completely empty. Not as much as a skid. The legendary phantom poo. I was wondering if I was hallucinating or having some sort of weird LSD flashback.

Brendan Bendar · 24-08-2021 7:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797941#Comment_117797941

Did you check for cracks in the pewter Doc.

Lad I knew at work, sat down to discharge what he thought was an ‘epic log’ and the pan collapsed and almost gelded him.

Nutpurse was badly damaged and left hanging by a flap of skin.

Made a full recovery and even the girlfriend said the stitchwork was well worth going down on.

Very impressive she said.

24-08-2021 7:27pm

Armitage Shanks from the early 80’s, Brendan. Flawless design and construction. Could last another 100 years without structural failures. Would be able to handle even the biggest units using it - Dublin taxi drivers, American tourists, Boards moderators etc etc.

Brendan Bendar · 24-08-2021 7:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117798828#Comment_117798828

Yes Doctor, good solid units there, my man had poor quality cheap units to ‘cover’ so I suppose no wonder she collapsed.

Was returning from Tel-Aviv on important company business back in the day and visited the privy.

Huge unit totally clad in black, the hat , the beard, gut like a bull elephant slipped into the stall beside me.

Unloaded like a lorry of rocks to bolster a seashore, fcuking waft of sour goatmeat would bring down a a young water buffalo

Grouptherapy · 26-08-2021 4:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797941#Comment_117797941

Had a similar but different experience myself yesterday.

Logged out without any drama and when I checked the paper after preliminary wipe - nothing. Had I missed the area completely?? Tried again and same result. Log was clearly visible in the bowl but ring area was spotless. Could've blown my nose in the paper if so inclined. Never had a wipe like it. Didn't even know such a phenomenon existed.

Cartman78 · 26-08-2021 4:36pm

Haven't checked this thread in a while and the two most recent posts are about legendary and somewhat mythical and mystical events....the all too rare Phantom Poo and the equally unusual Glory Wipe.

Heartening to read in these unprecedented times

26-08-2021 4:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117806737#Comment_117806737

Ah, the old magic. Or the ‘Flawless Victory’ if you are a fan of the Mortal Kombat computer game series. It was discussed in detail here about a year ago and seems to be unusual but not one of the great mysteries of the universe either.

Seems it can be partly explained by healthy living and dietary choices. It’s why the old tap method of cleaning your hoop is so popular over in the Far East - they don’t drink 30 cans of lukewarm porter and eat 4 fried breakfasts a week. Dealing more with a Three Mile Island than a Chernobyl for the spray hose crew.

Brendan Bendar · 29-08-2021 6:37pm

Popped a fcuking log like a jumbo Sub.down at the club before the four ball this morning.

Was tempted to slip the six iron under her and leave as an exhibit draped on the seat of the pot.

tgdaly · 30-08-2021 10:45am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117806847#Comment_117806847

To use some sporting lingo, it's like "bowling a turkey"

EmmetSpiceland · 30-08-2021 1:20pm

Been having a very good “run” of late. Everything by the book, time after time. Not sure what I did differently but today I had something of a “poo-nami”, nothing explosive, or worrying, just a, seemingly, never ending flow of, soft serve, shíte.

The cleanup was fine, bit more required than “usual” but nothing to write home about. The back wall, and all under the waterline, were a disgrace. Streaks everywhere and clumps clinging to the porcelain.

If I’d been at home I’d have attempted some additional “cleaning” but I was in a rush and didn’t have time to invest in that. I’m sure that by the 4th flush things would have picked up but that’s for somebody else to discover.

Fingers crossed that’s the end of it and it’ll be back to textbook “deposits” before long.

Ruggabugga101 · 30-08-2021 5:20pm

Out for a few pints of the black stuff on Saturday night.

Very enjoyable at the time and ended up with quite the horn with the ladies out after the GAA. Needed a lot of water to hydrate yesterday (Sunday) so have been pissing a fair bit. No usual bowel movements though....until today so the black **** have been delayed.

A few visits to the work jacks to dump disgusting smelly eels today - why would this be delayed?

Wearing light coloured briefs and there were some touching cloth moments as I dashed to the throne. Manged to avoid any stainage so far. Never been a white briefs man for days like this.

Brendan Bendar · 30-08-2021 7:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117824211#Comment_117824211

Did you park the mushroom with any of those ladies.?

Knew a lad from down the country came up for a Galway game and ‘boned ‘ at least two ladies after the game.

As he said one had a bush like a collies chest and the other one bald as an egg.

Gut on her like a frogs throat.

Took three months before the knob cleared up.

Ruggabugga101 · 30-08-2021 11:12pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117824650#Comment_117824650

Sadly not, married with kids but the horn let's me know its still in working order. It wasn't worth my life to try it on when I got home to the Mrs so had a **** before bed in the downstairs jacks - sady but true story.

Back to my original question, why would the black **** be delayed?

tgdaly · 31-08-2021 10:41am

Just passed a big "Duke" there. Some slight discomfort on the way, could definitely feel a few nuts in there, but nothing that will cause me any long term trauma.

Fooking thing whacked the water like a fat guy off a 3m springboard, big splash and then sank like the RMS Republic at Nantucket

Gael23 · 31-08-2021 3:10pm

255 page thread about Poo!

Brendan Bendar · 31-08-2021 6:28pm

Open country?

Brendan Bendar · 03-09-2021 9:26am

Wow

Had a feed of bacon ribs yesterday and have just sluiced out a bolus of fat girth- like a Boeing 767 fuselage.

No need for a wipe,no surprise afters, left the premises with no fuss, just one flush.

Excellent morning so far, might get the two days out of the Sloggies.

03-09-2021 11:11am

Great start to the weekend for you, Brendan. You should hit the course and see if you can get around in less than 100 shots for the first time in your life.

Brendan Bendar · 03-09-2021 3:28pm

Now that you mention it, saw a rather stout lad staggering off the 18th at the club recently.

Big ‘ chopping block’, head on him ,faded top that was fashionable in 1976, big black cargo shorts, with plenty of ‘loose change’ speckling the crotch area, and black socks…..10 for a fiver in Mr Price.!

Fhukking disaster!!

Not yersel was it.

03-09-2021 4:25pm

Not me, pal. Wouldn’t be the sort to play up at those taxi driver courses past the airport - the ones where you get a round, a pint, and a slab of overcooked roast beef for 40 quid. Lads going around the clubhouse in Marks and Spencer’s comfort stretch chinos thinking they own the place. The shïtters reeking of Carlsberg, dry roasted peanuts, and smoked haddock.

No thank you. My home course is a far classier affair - think links, a prohibitive joining fee, and not a Skoda Superb to be seen.

Brendan Bendar · 03-09-2021 4:55pm

In a way I’m quite relieved to hear that, our sport is being ‘dumbed down’ big time.

Fat kernts built like two teapots welded together covered in tats are now on the fairways.

Roaring and shouting like cattle drovers …. and I had the experience to say ‘Quiet please’ when my partner was addressing a shot on an adjoining fairway.

”Fuuherke off” was the response from the other fairway.

Looked over and saw four tanks , big ‘bouncers heads ‘ on them flaking lumps out the area near the green, and treating the golf buggy’s like bumper cars.

Fhhuking vermin.

05-09-2021 7:20pm

Had a heap of sushi and 10 pints of Guinness in town yesterday evening. A terrible combination in hindsight. Woke up this morning to the bedroom reeking of very damp farts. Herself giving me the silent treatment and gone over to her mother’s for the day to tell that absolute hell beast about how my drinking, smoking, gambling, and occasional marital indiscretion is causing issues.

Glad she wasn’t around when I sluiced out a very loose load of extremely hot and peppery scour about 4 hours ago. Left the pan like a Jackson Pollock.

What's the etiquette here??

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