What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117946935#Comment_117946935

Not into stuff like that, buddy.

Just trying to help……

The lad needs to visit a cock doctor pronto. Might have picked up something unusual down the ‘sauna’.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117947033#Comment_117947033

For sure Doc, could easily catch a burst of nob rot in those kind of places.

EmmetSpiceland

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117945248#Comment_117945248

I guess the first thing you’d want to do is to make sure that it is, in fact, semen you’re dealing with. You’d want to rule out any form of “discharge” that could be an indicator of a, potentially, dangerous underlying illness.

Once you’re sure it’s jizz what you’d want to do is “clear the pipes” straight away. Wouldn’t be waiting around, either into the sink or under the seat and onto the bowl. The problem with the latter is that you leave yourself susceptible to the, dreaded, “Witch’s Kiss” and if there is any freshener block dissolved in the cistern this can discolour, or dye, any spunk that isn’t washed away properly. Not a good look. The sink is, definitely, the safer, and cleaner, option.

I’ve found, myself, usually during “shark week”, that I can, sometimes, simply forget to take “matters” into my own hands, so to speak. Left too long and I’d start to notice foamy piss. As soon as they happens it’s straight to “tug town” without delay. Preferably without using any outside “stimulus”, all in mind. Much better for your mental, and sexual, health.

If you go too long you can end up with a lot of “discomfort” in the ball sac. And that’s not good for the nuts. Best to keep them active but not too active, like some on this site might do. Strangling your todger 2 or 3 times a day without any let up and watch hours of grotty, extreme, hardcore pornography just isn’t healthy.

The only other thing I can say would be to go see a doc if it persists. Rule out “the Clap”, or any other nastiness, you know? And just see what they say. You might end up getting the auld lubed finger but you can’t outrun that one anyway.

Best of luck, G. Stay safe.

Brendan Bendar

One thing to realise though is never panic in situations like this.

Discharged a bladder of seriously rank midden into the pot before bedtime two days ago.

Left her there to ‘mature’ and not wake up the whole house.

Went in in the morning to discover a pot like someone had dumped a kilo can of Roma chopped tomatoes in the fcukker.

Nearly blew another load when I remembered I had consumed two horseshoes of spicy Spanish Chorizo sausage watching the Ryder cup…..

Jocks looked like a roadkill too so had to start up the auld Indesit on ‘heavy soiling’ kinda rapid.

Not a great day…….

EmmetSpiceland

Had something happen yesterday that hadn’t happened me for a long time, my phone died. Now this, in itself, isn’t too remarkable but just as I set it to charge I felt the stirring of “nature’s call”.

Headed straight for the jacks and sat down. It was really great to just “be” in the moment. No distractions. Allowed for some quiet contemplation, and unloading.

The delivery was easy, no complications, and the clean up was also “hassle” free. I was in no rush to get back out to the “real world” so I took a few, mindful, minutes to just enjoy the peaceful solitude I had been afforded, until my legs went numb.

Was really wonderful to disconnect from all the worry, strife and anger that seems to be omnipresent these days. If we could just get those vexed, and bound up, individuals to take the time out from the “screen time” and increasing the amount of fibre in their diets the world really could be a better place.

All I can say is that I feel a lot of gratitude, and humility, from my “experience” and I can only wish the same for the rest of you out there.

Be excellent to each other.

Samsgirl

https://www.ladbible.com/news/news-doctors-claim-that-covid-might-cause-restless-anal-syndrome-20210930?c=1633002392128?source=facebook

be aware

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117962576#Comment_117962576

Load of crap……the Japanese don’t have problems with the discharge of ripe midden.

Example , I was on important company business in Tokyo and was on the subway ,Ginza Line , to my hotel.

Reached my stop and was a little ‘spooled’ so into the ‘spatther house’ to drop the load.

Fuherkking furniture was awesome, high throne, like the fchhukkng space shuttle, jet buttons to chip the crust off the most clogged badge, warm water to clear the ‘area’ and …wait for it….. waft of warm air on another button to dry off the ‘ground zero’ locality!,!!

All in a subway shïtter!

Just sat back an blew a thin skein of misted runnell into the pot, and walked out with a rivet the Pope hisself would be proud of.

All on buttons……dude….

So don’t blame the Japanese diet for any problems in the bilges, hon.

padd b1975

^^^

A shake or two of talc wouldn't have killed them.

Different culture I suppose.

Lewis_Benson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117963177#Comment_117963177

You've such a way with words, Johnny, I mean Brendan.

YFlyer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117976658#Comment_117976658

Does it matter Sherlock? Who cares if Johnny, Emmet or Paddy is the same person. This is After Hours.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117977452#Comment_117977452

There’s a lot of very ‘bound up’ individuals on this site, dude. Not enough fibre in the diet used to be main cause of such an affliction, but one would have to speculate that the internet is causing severe constipation in some people.

YFlyer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117977493#Comment_117977493

They think they are Alan Turing with their investigation. Probably need to drop a load.

Larbre34

A good buddy of mine piled down some pints of porter and a nice rare steak on his way to a heavy metal concert in the old Point Depot.

By the time they got there and found a good spot he was in bad need of a bowel evacuation, so he left the lads on the floor and went to join the long queue to the disastrously small jacks that used to exist in the right hand corner off the old lobby area.

However as he neared the doorway of the stalls and relief, the feature act struck up their overture on stage, which caused a mini crowd surge from those leaving the toilets and coming from the bar nearby. Our boy got caught up and squeezed, which resulted in an anaconda of loafage being expelled all at once, some of it making an appearance down on his boot tops and causing the tide of people to retreat from around him like as if an underwater earthquake had just hit.

He wasn't seen again that night by the rest of the boys, but he tells tale of a rudimentary clean up that wouldn't have looked out of place on a Jackass movie and that it took four taxis in relay to get home because he was ejected once the stench reached each cabbie's nostrils - however in one small silver lining it did mean they were all free!

Lewis_Benson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117977452#Comment_117977452

Calm down there, Karen.

If you take some xlax, that'll free uo those cramps .

Hector Savage

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117963177#Comment_117963177

Wow, do they even need toilet paper over there ?

sounds great!!

No sign of Nevin Parsnipp recently. I know Always Sunny is filming in Ireland at the moment, so he must have got that Danny DeVito body double job.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117983162#Comment_117983162

Hector, to a certain extent, taking a shïte in Japan is like flying an A320 for ANA.

You pop in all the details into the SMC (Shïte Management Computer) Then all you have to do is sit down on the pot, blow out the ‘expected load ‘ using the usual parameter.modes of ‘loose and scutthery’ ‘solid and firm’ ‘fine misty spray’ etc. press the master button and the unit will respond to the appropriate input.

Very little need for any ‘hand flying’ no ‘swiping the credit card’ with paper and that stuff.

Just sit back, relax, and let the computers do the work, they even have a waft of hot air to dry the area after the cleansing operation.

Nearly got the week out of the jocks on the last visit.

Funny thing about Japan is you can go from space age shïtters to a squatter with a long drop in the same rail station.

Ate about 30 of those octopus balls and had approx 6 litres of Kirin one night in Osaka. Got back to the hotel room and unloaded an absolute sheet of arse gravy all over the pan of the smart toilet. Really thought it would throw an error or struggle to shift the load, but no, had a deep clean function that got rid of everything. Even had a strong deodorant button which managed to suppress most of the stench, and allowed me to get a good nights sleep.

Hector Savage

:D !! Love this thread, long may it continue ... it's been awhile since I've made a decent contribution so let me tell you about a hike I took with the family a few weeks back.

Was walking for ages, literally in the middle of nowhere, had a nice picnic lunch, and went for part 2 of the hike, I did feel the sheriffs badge twitch once or twice and knew I would need to eventually drop a load in the woods, but the lack of people didn't worry me at all.

Spotted a moment to dive into some dense forest and picked my spot, not a soul around but still it's amazing how timid we become when we expose ourselves like that, it really isn't a spectator sport ... standing there with the legs parted I unleashed a beast of a python that hung there for a few seconds before dropping into the ground with a satisfying thunk sound.

Followed by a second slightly smaller one that just .... thunk on top.

There is lay in all it's glory , was almost proud of the phucker ... wish I had a little flag I could have planted at the top.

The stench was something terrible and was a messy cleanup, I had organic wipes but still ... didn't feel well leaving those behind.

Soon the flies were descending on it like a bunch of Wicklow fans to the boozer after a particularly eventfull GAA match.

Those green fuckers ... jaysus ... lashing into it - wonder how long it will take for them to break it down. 

================= edit forgot to add the Irish version ....

: D !! Is breá leat an snáithe seo, fada go leanfaidh sé ... tá sé uafásach ó rinne mé cion maith mar sin lig dom insint duit faoi hike a ghlac mé leis an teaghlach cúpla seachtain ar ais.

An raibh mé ag siúl ar feadh aoiseanna, go liteartha i lár na háite, go raibh lón deas picnice agam, agus go ndeachaigh mé ar feadh cuid 2 den hike, mhothaigh mé suaitheantas suaitheantais na sirriamaí uair nó dhó agus bhí a fhios agam go mbeadh orm ualach a ligean sa choill sa deireadh , ach níor chuir easpa daoine imní orm ar chor ar bith.

Chonaic mé nóiméad chun tumadh isteach i bhforaois dlúth éigin agus phioc mé mo láthair, ní anam timpeall ach fós tá sé iontach cé chomh suaimhneach a bhíonn muid nuair a nochtann muid muid féin mar sin, ní spórt lucht féachana é i ndáiríre ... ag seasamh ann leis na cosa scartha Scaoil mé beithíoch python a crochadh ansin ar feadh cúpla soicind sular thit mé isteach sa talamh le fuaim shásúil thunk.

Ina dhiaidh sin an dara ceann beagán níos lú nach bhfuil ach .... thunk ar a bharr.

Tá gach glóir ann, bhí sé beagnach bródúil as an bhfoclóir ... is mian liom go mbeadh bratach bheag agam a d’fhéadfainn a phlandáil ag an mbarr.

Bhí an stench rud uafásach agus bhí sé glanta messy, bhí wipes orgánacha agam ach fós ... níor mhothaigh mé go maith iad a fhágáil ina ndiaidh.

Go gairid bhí na cuileoga ag teacht anuas air cosúil le dornán de lucht leanúna Chill Mhantáin go dtí an boozer tar éis cluiche CLG an-eachtrúil.

Na fuckers glasa sin ... jaysus ... lashing isteach air - Wonder cé chomh fada a thógfaidh sé orthu é a bhriseadh síos.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117983225#Comment_117983225

Saw the fcukker at a golf outing recently, he’s cozying at nights now .

Place full of taxis…kernt was holding court in the bar with a gut like a mature elephant seal on him.

Hector Savage

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117989933#Comment_117989933

I believe he was at a wedding in Moat Co. Westmeath recently, main act was TR Dallas, filthy Kernt was cropdusting on the dance floor and grabbing young wans asses .... sweating like a Corkman at an elocution contest.

Destroyed the mens toilets apparently, had to be closed for 2 days whilst they had the professional cleaners in ....

Filthy KEERNNT!!

The next door neighbour is a keen fisherman and dropped in 3 lovely fresh mackerel there a few minutes ago. Dead sound of him, and nothing to do with me bumping into him in a hotel down the sticks during the summer where he was wining and dining a woman who most certainly wasn’t his battleaxe of a wife.

My own beloved is heading out with her coven this evening and I’ve decided I’m going to get the bbq going one last time to cook these splendid looking fish. Already have 12 cans of Guinness chilling in the fridge. I know this particular combination is going to have serious ramifications in the morning, so any advice??

You the man

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117994076#Comment_117994076

I'd advise to give the homestead facility a skip, grab a bucket and head straight to the shed when that tickle arrives buachaill..

Mind you mackerel are nice n oily so everything should slide on out fine n dandy..

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117994312#Comment_117994312

Good call dude, I’d suggest he pop up to SuperValu and buy one of those greaseproof oven bags they sell.

Then when the rivet,as it surely will, comes under pressure, down behind the shed open your hole and plough the lot into

the bag.

Then over into the neighbours garden under cover of darkness.

That’ll teach the kernt to keep his mackerel to himself

Filthy kernt….

Absolute fücking carnage. A disaster zone. Geldof would organise a show if he saw the state of the place.

The mackerel were sensational, and I put away 10 cans of stout for dessert. My prick of a nephew called around for a few minutes and I managed to get the makings of enough Satan’s Lettuce for two generous ‘doobs’. Details are hazy, but it seems I had 3 packets of curry koka noodles as a late night snack as well.

Using the chod bin in the spare bedroom to ‘drop the shopping’. Glad I did. You’d expect the smell to be atrocious (it is), but it’s the sounds that are most striking today - huge dry farts, long squeaks, stomach gurgles, the sound of liquid hitting porcelain at high speed, deep sighs, trombone wet farts, the sound of wads of 3-ply being called into action.

Absolutely emotionally exhausted at this stage. Think I’ve finally discharged all the effluent. Time for a snooze.

Aglomerado

Went hiking up the Vee in Waterford/ Tipperary today. Set myself up with a hearty breakfast, strong coffee and a good healthy brown log.

After a few hours squelching across bogs and streams, it was time for lunch, more strong coffee and a brown roll.

Another hour trekking in shite and mud and I felt the farts building up. Very unpleasant bloating which doesn't help when trying to keep upright in bogland. Farting did nothing to alleviate the discomfort so I had to split away from the pack to a nice secluded mound.

Left a nice "coil" curled up on the hillside, topped it with some rough grass with which I'd done some rudimentary cleaning. I was almost sad to abandon my work to the elements.

A few more farts and I was bounding my way merrily to the car park. Celebrated with a nice pint, tomorrow's log is well on the way and will be deposited in a more conventional manner.

Nevin Parsnipp

Right lot of filthy bastids orn this thread for sure.....not shy in dissing a respected poster who has been unavoidably "away" for some time.

Haven't laughed so much since a strident kernt down at the club coughed out his choppers into a bowel of ripe midden arter injestin a few loose pints.

Soaked the front of the Gambicci sweater as well so he did .....

Sgt Hartman

I'm just laughing here at the term "midden" to describe the contents of the toilet bowl :D

I had plenty of explosive toilet bowl pebbledashing and very wet farts myself during the week thanks to copious amounts of dodgy hotel buffet food and beer. It continued in painful stinging fashion yesterday morning when I got home thanks to a lamb chilli masala on the final night of the holiday. Like bright red spicy lava from the bowels of Hell (no pun intended) It was a relief to give my ring a good scrub with a very soapy sponge in the shower afterwards. Still nothing though compared to the Belgian beer diarrhoea I got in Brussels a few years ago. After 3 days of suffering there was blood on the toilet paper and horrendous burning fire pain. My hole was literally a bright red gaping wound, it was so bad I couldn't even walk properly. When the chemist opened the next morning I got a tube of Bepanthen cream, went to the pub toilet and squirted half the tube up my arse. The relief afterwards was euphoric. Even the lads were having a good laugh when I came back from the jacks because they said I looked visibly happier than I did in in the previous 2 days.

Brendan Bendar

Slightly off topic, but on a training run across a GAA pitch ,saw a hound had sluiced out a mound of buttery midden

right in the middle,where kids play.

The fcuker who owns the animal deserves a tip of a shovel in the upper lip.

Disgusting behaviour.

Nearly a half kilo of the stuff, hound must have a hoop like the sleeve of an overcoat.