What's the etiquette here??

Slideways · 06-09-2021 9:44am

Went to town last night for Father’s Day. Despite the fact I have not spawned any parasites of my own..

Had a full rack of St. Louis style BBQ ribs with mash and veggies. Washed down with two pints of pale ale. Was phuckin swollen leaving the eating house. Guy on my like the wolf with rocks in his tummy from the kids story.

The chirping started before I had even gotten into the bed. Woke at 5am and barely made it into the en-suite. Lucky I sleep with nothing smothering the wedding tackle as fumbling with a pair of jocks may have been the undoing of me. As it was there was some detritus left on the toilet seat. Luckily today is Qing Yuans day so I just left it for her to clean up what did come away with a quick wipe.

When I came out of the bog herself had given up on sleeping and gone for a run, said the smell was too bad. Women, they’re fickle things

Grouptherapy · 06-09-2021 12:50pm

Tough morning comrades.

I was out and about running a few errands with pressure building all the time. No decent hotel, bar or shopping centre to duck into so I found myself riding the clutch for ages.

Eventually got back to office and abandoned the car badly in the car park and trotted stiffly in.

When I finally did get to the bowl I felt as relieved to get a seat as a lad getting out of Kabul airport.

Logging out was also Afghanesque – a mass evacuation. I had to stay there for a while scrolling after all the stress. Wipe up was horrendous. Took forever and the badge area isn’t at all happy with the abuse it got from the office’s new jacks paper -stuff that the joiners’ workshop down the road could easily use for 300grit abrasive paper if they were stuck.

Hector Savage · 06-09-2021 1:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117828422#Comment_117828422

We need to aim for a part II for this !!

You the man · 06-09-2021 1:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117853460#Comment_117853460

Yes. A number 2 part 2 has a lovely ring to it..

Arthur Fent · 15-09-2021 4:26pm

Jaysus, me arse is in fine fettle these last few months. After a period of bathroom turbulence, the soft and mushy kind....proper service has resumed. Every day, picture perfect logs that you could use as encyclopedic references ! Think I might treat myself to something nice to celebrate. The aul massage parlours are open again after all..

Sheep Shagger · 15-09-2021 7:16pm

Will be interesting to see if this changes things for Guinness drinkers in these parts...

15-09-2021 9:35pm

What’s the damage for 12 cans of that?

Edit: 30 quid! Jesus, that’s pricey for a nights home drinking.

Brendan Bendar · 15-09-2021 10:13pm

Forks sake how is home produce three times the price of foreign produce.

I know it’s not the same…..but….

Id say a lad would be coating the pot in ripe midden after a feed of that stuff.

Sheep Shagger · 16-09-2021 8:37am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117897090#Comment_117897090

Not really compared to a pub....

Nevin Parsnipp · 16-09-2021 8:50am

8 cans of 6% Linden Village for €12.....good value .....expect a nite of severe ar$e turbulence though and a starburst of runny skutther in the morn.

If you can hold the skutther until you get to the office you could leave a spectacular "blow" in the exec dunnies for that smarmy CFO that refused you a raise two years ago.

Serve the cnunt right to have to confront a trap spathered with foul smelling runnell before an important board meet......😋

Grouptherapy · 16-09-2021 12:08pm

Happened again.

Another morning where I was out and about with nowhere to stop, and wound nearly burning out the clutch.

Was visiting a satellite office and got to test drive what seems to be newer more compact bowls recently installed.

Seat dimensions are comparable to standard but the pedestal part seems to have a smaller foot print and tapers quicker. Akin to sh1ting into a large flower pot if you can visualise... The result of the dimensions means that you can't but hit the back of the bowl before the water.

Cliquey shower in that office so didn't bother with brush and left the skid for review by the next lad.

Brendan Bendar · 16-09-2021 4:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117898921#Comment_117898921

Proper order dude..

Nevin Parsnipp · 19-09-2021 8:25pm

Ah ! The kids these days ...my golf club has suffered from kids coming in from adjoining estates and doing minor damage around the course .

Has a good session with the 5 iron on the practice ground the other day and felt a "thrum" from the arse area .

Got worse and had to head over to where the nippers hopped the wall and landed in a grassy area ...dropped the CK'S and unloaded a steamy load of sticky sludge just where these lil beuours land .

Wiped up ..had to sacrifice a monogrammed hankerchief...but no matter ..now hoping to see some little nipper with a fade haircut landing hocks deep into a pile of stinkin sh1te ...make my day that would

.....

tgdaly · 19-09-2021 8:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117912619#Comment_117912619

Gives new meaning to the term "worm burner"

Brendan Bendar · 20-09-2021 6:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117912619#Comment_117912619

Word in your ear Parsnipp, one discharge of ripe odious midden won’t protect the course.

What you need to do now is call a meeeting and outline your security plan.

Then select a group of fat butty kernts 45’ 28’ dudes , taxi men would be good,and instruct them to open their holes in the selected area at two paces spacing, preferably after a feed of boiled silverside and around a half dozen cans of of cheap Czech beer.

Any lad who lands in that line up won’t do it again as the maggots and bluebottles should be circling his socks for the rest of the day.

JCs plastic bag of ‘home batther’ emptied in the ‘penalty area’ would be also good.

21-09-2021 1:43pm

Any of the regulars around here using these?

https://www.myshreddies.com/about

the fabric “was found to remove sulphide and ethyl mercaptan so effectively that it can filter odours 200 times the strength of the average flatus emission." The fabric remains effective for the life of the garment providing the care instructions are followed correctly. The Shreddies motto is ‘Fart with confidence’ and our garments ensure just that.

You the man · 21-09-2021 2:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117919341#Comment_117919341

Not yet, but will seriously consider it after the last weekend..

Co2 Emissions in the last 5 days won't please the greens..

Smelled like a rotting sheep whos bloated stomach had burst open.

Pretty rough to be fair.

An animal I was called. Regularly...

21-09-2021 2:17pm

Did you hit the stout pretty hard?

You the man · 21-09-2021 2:46pm

Yes..

How did you know.. Sounds like you've been there too comrade!

Nevin Parsnipp · 21-09-2021 8:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117919341#Comment_117919341

Thanx for the heads up pal...but mite only be using these sparingly.

Take all the fun out of sidling up to the stuck up blonde in management accounts and seeping out a peppery lad in her vicinity.

Que delicate lace kerchiefs to the nose and a fast wiggle to the ladies facilities.

Brendan Bendar · 22-09-2021 8:42am

These jocks apparently best suited for the ‘dry’ fart, where the wind leaves the muzzle cleanly .

Best suited for the Mediterranean diet or the Japanese diet where the ‘dry’ fart is more common.

North Western diets tend to discharge the more ‘watery’ fart especially after a cheap ‘cavery meal’ and gallon of stout.

Lad I knew felt safe to ‘blow’ one out but the jocks were peppered like a thrushes chest when inspected and ‘skidded’ like

a Donegal roundabout.

Might not be suited for the ‘loaded’ fart lads.

Hector Savage · 22-09-2021 9:16am

Can you imagine the state of the material on it tho ? they'd stink ti fuq!!!

Think i'd rather just deal with my farts discreetly .... allthough I was at a wedding a few weeks ago and was crop dusting something terrible ... I cleared our table in rapid time ....

I should post about that wedding actually, on top of the rancid farts I dropped 2 loads of about 2KG each too ...

Brendan Bendar · 22-09-2021 1:13pm

You’ve come to the right place, buddy!!

Gael23 · 23-09-2021 4:59pm

How far down do you drop the trousers when ready to unload?

23-09-2021 5:09pm

Out in Tenerife for a weeks holidays. Had a feed of Indian food and about 12 pints of lager last night. Absolutely coated the dunny beside the infinity pool this morning. Saw some German lad heading in after me, and retreating as quickly as his grandfather through the Ukraine. The smell was quite astonishing tbh.

Still not feeling great but got chatting to some gamey auld one from Essex in the pool earlier. Get the feeling I’ll be banging her like the door of a cheap car later.

Brendan Bendar · 23-09-2021 6:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117929864#Comment_117929864

Depends on, to use aviation terms, take off weight, runway condition, air pressure.

In other words if a slippery loose load is imminent it’s halfway down the thighs ..slight bend forward,no sit,and ..bang

blow out the full spool of scutther.

If its a reluctant log, expected to need full power, then it’s backs of the knees, hold her on the brakes and …. steady push till the ‘plop’ is heard.

If we are up to ‘max zero fuel’ and a short runway, it’s down on the ankles to allow a good knee spread to get max compressor pressure and blow the dry load out .

If an emergency landing is required it’s half way down the cheeks, clear all obstructions, like belts, jocks, strides,and just walk away from the wreckage.

Hope that helps……