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Child Item

What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash

I had to open my business today for a few hours, and asked one of the lads to come in and give me a hand. I was out last night watching the Liverpool game, and I've a stage 6 hangover as a result.

Anways, it got to about half 10 and I felt my 'sheriff's badge' starting to twitch. Headed into the jacks and dropped a serious anchor into Brown Water Bay. I was sitting there afterwards on my phone when what do I hear but the jacks door opening, and someone heading into the stall beside mine. Down go the trousers, a slight groan, a string of watery farts, and then a noise that sounded like a box of old boots being thrown out of an attic. A smaller fart to finish up, and a deep exhalation of breath. :eek:

I was shocked, and very angry. Am I overreacting, or should the fúcker have waited until I had finished using the boombox before he decided to go and pinch one out? He's an Eastern European, so don't know if they have different cultural norms. I didn't say a word to him for the rest of the morning, and am in a shocker of a mood since. :mad:

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[Deleted User]

What’s the damage for 12 cans of that?

Edit: 30 quid! Jesus, that’s pricey for a nights home drinking.

Sheep Shagger

Will be interesting to see if this changes things for Guinness drinkers in these parts...

Arthur Fent

Jaysus, me arse is in fine fettle these last few months. After a period of bathroom turbulence, the soft and mushy kind....proper service has resumed. Every day, picture perfect logs that you could use as encyclopedic references ! Think I might treat myself to something nice to celebrate. The aul massage parlours are open again after all..

You the man

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117853460#Comment_117853460

Yes. A number 2 part 2 has a lovely ring to it..

Hector Savage

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117828422#Comment_117828422

We need to aim for a part II for this !!

Grouptherapy

Tough morning comrades.

I was out and about running a few errands with pressure building all the time. No decent hotel, bar or shopping centre to duck into so I found myself riding the clutch for ages.

Eventually got back to office and abandoned the car badly in the car park and trotted stiffly in.

When I finally did get to the bowl I felt as relieved to get a seat as a lad getting out of Kabul airport.

Logging out was also Afghanesque – a mass evacuation. I had to stay there for a while scrolling after all the stress. Wipe up was horrendous. Took forever and the badge area isn’t at all happy with the abuse it got from the office’s new jacks paper -stuff that the joiners’ workshop down the road could easily use for 300grit abrasive paper if they were stuck.

Slideways

Went to town last night for Father’s Day. Despite the fact I have not spawned any parasites of my own..

Had a full rack of St. Louis style BBQ ribs with mash and veggies. Washed down with two pints of pale ale. Was phuckin swollen leaving the eating house. Guy on my like the wolf with rocks in his tummy from the kids story.

The chirping started before I had even gotten into the bed. Woke at 5am and barely made it into the en-suite. Lucky I sleep with nothing smothering the wedding tackle as fumbling with a pair of jocks may have been the undoing of me. As it was there was some detritus left on the toilet seat. Luckily today is Qing Yuans day so I just left it for her to clean up what did come away with a quick wipe.

When I came out of the bog herself had given up on sleeping and gone for a run, said the smell was too bad. Women, they’re fickle things

[Deleted User]

Had a heap of sushi and 10 pints of Guinness in town yesterday evening. A terrible combination in hindsight. Woke up this morning to the bedroom reeking of very damp farts. Herself giving me the silent treatment and gone over to her mother’s for the day to tell that absolute hell beast about how my drinking, smoking, gambling, and occasional marital indiscretion is causing issues.

Glad she wasn’t around when I sluiced out a very loose load of extremely hot and peppery scour about 4 hours ago. Left the pan like a Jackson Pollock.

Brendan Bendar

In a way I’m quite relieved to hear that, our sport is being ‘dumbed down’ big time.

Fat kernts built like two teapots welded together covered in tats are now on the fairways.

Roaring and shouting like cattle drovers …. and I had the experience to say ‘Quiet please’ when my partner was addressing a shot on an adjoining fairway.

”Fuuherke off” was the response from the other fairway.

Looked over and saw four tanks , big ‘bouncers heads ‘ on them flaking lumps out the area near the green, and treating the golf buggy’s like bumper cars.

Fhhuking vermin.

[Deleted User]

Not me, pal. Wouldn’t be the sort to play up at those taxi driver courses past the airport - the ones where you get a round, a pint, and a slab of overcooked roast beef for 40 quid. Lads going around the clubhouse in Marks and Spencer’s comfort stretch chinos thinking they own the place. The shïtters reeking of Carlsberg, dry roasted peanuts, and smoked haddock.

No thank you. My home course is a far classier affair - think links, a prohibitive joining fee, and not a Skoda Superb to be seen.

Brendan Bendar

Now that you mention it, saw a rather stout lad staggering off the 18th at the club recently.

Big ‘ chopping block’, head on him ,faded top that was fashionable in 1976, big black cargo shorts, with plenty of ‘loose change’ speckling the crotch area, and black socks…..10 for a fiver in Mr Price.!

Fhukking disaster!!

Not yersel was it.

[Deleted User]

Great start to the weekend for you, Brendan. You should hit the course and see if you can get around in less than 100 shots for the first time in your life.

Brendan Bendar

Wow

Had a feed of bacon ribs yesterday and have just sluiced out a bolus of fat girth- like a Boeing 767 fuselage.

No need for a wipe,no surprise afters, left the premises with no fuss, just one flush.

Excellent morning so far, might get the two days out of the Sloggies.

Brendan Bendar

Open country?

Gael23

255 page thread about Poo!

tgdaly

Just passed a big "Duke" there. Some slight discomfort on the way, could definitely feel a few nuts in there, but nothing that will cause me any long term trauma.

Fooking thing whacked the water like a fat guy off a 3m springboard, big splash and then sank like the RMS Republic at Nantucket

Ruggabugga101

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117824650#Comment_117824650

Sadly not, married with kids but the horn let's me know its still in working order. It wasn't worth my life to try it on when I got home to the Mrs so had a **** before bed in the downstairs jacks - sady but true story.

Back to my original question, why would the black **** be delayed?

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117824211#Comment_117824211

Did you park the mushroom with any of those ladies.?

Knew a lad from down the country came up for a Galway game and ‘boned ‘ at least two ladies after the game.

As he said one had a bush like a collies chest and the other one bald as an egg.

Gut on her like a frogs throat.

Took three months before the knob cleared up.

Ruggabugga101

Out for a few pints of the black stuff on Saturday night.

Very enjoyable at the time and ended up with quite the horn with the ladies out after the GAA. Needed a lot of water to hydrate yesterday (Sunday) so have been pissing a fair bit. No usual bowel movements though....until today so the black **** have been delayed.

A few visits to the work jacks to dump disgusting smelly eels today - why would this be delayed?

Wearing light coloured briefs and there were some touching cloth moments as I dashed to the throne. Manged to avoid any stainage so far. Never been a white briefs man for days like this.

EmmetSpiceland

Been having a very good “run” of late. Everything by the book, time after time. Not sure what I did differently but today I had something of a “poo-nami”, nothing explosive, or worrying, just a, seemingly, never ending flow of, soft serve, shíte.

The cleanup was fine, bit more required than “usual” but nothing to write home about. The back wall, and all under the waterline, were a disgrace. Streaks everywhere and clumps clinging to the porcelain.

If I’d been at home I’d have attempted some additional “cleaning” but I was in a rush and didn’t have time to invest in that. I’m sure that by the 4th flush things would have picked up but that’s for somebody else to discover.

Fingers crossed that’s the end of it and it’ll be back to textbook “deposits” before long.

tgdaly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117806847#Comment_117806847

To use some sporting lingo, it's like "bowling a turkey"

Brendan Bendar

Popped a fcuking log like a jumbo Sub.down at the club before the four ball this morning.

Was tempted to slip the six iron under her and leave as an exhibit draped on the seat of the pot.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117806737#Comment_117806737

Ah, the old magic. Or the ‘Flawless Victory’ if you are a fan of the Mortal Kombat computer game series. It was discussed in detail here about a year ago and seems to be unusual but not one of the great mysteries of the universe either.

Seems it can be partly explained by healthy living and dietary choices. It’s why the old tap method of cleaning your hoop is so popular over in the Far East - they don’t drink 30 cans of lukewarm porter and eat 4 fried breakfasts a week. Dealing more with a Three Mile Island than a Chernobyl for the spray hose crew.

Cartman78

Haven't checked this thread in a while and the two most recent posts are about legendary and somewhat mythical and mystical events....the all too rare Phantom Poo and the equally unusual Glory Wipe.

Heartening to read in these unprecedented times

Grouptherapy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797941#Comment_117797941

Had a similar but different experience myself yesterday.

Logged out without any drama and when I checked the paper after preliminary wipe - nothing. Had I missed the area completely?? Tried again and same result. Log was clearly visible in the bowl but ring area was spotless. Could've blown my nose in the paper if so inclined. Never had a wipe like it. Didn't even know such a phenomenon existed.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117798828#Comment_117798828

Yes Doctor, good solid units there, my man had poor quality cheap units to ‘cover’ so I suppose no wonder she collapsed.

Was returning from Tel-Aviv on important company business back in the day and visited the privy.

Huge unit totally clad in black, the hat , the beard, gut like a bull elephant slipped into the stall beside me.

Unloaded like a lorry of rocks to bolster a seashore, fcuking waft of sour goatmeat would bring down a a young water buffalo

[Deleted User]

Armitage Shanks from the early 80’s, Brendan. Flawless design and construction. Could last another 100 years without structural failures. Would be able to handle even the biggest units using it - Dublin taxi drivers, American tourists, Boards moderators etc etc.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797941#Comment_117797941

Did you check for cracks in the pewter Doc.

Lad I knew at work, sat down to discharge what he thought was an ‘epic log’ and the pan collapsed and almost gelded him.

Nutpurse was badly damaged and left hanging by a flap of skin.

Made a full recovery and even the girlfriend said the stitchwork was well worth going down on.

Very impressive she said.

[Deleted User]

Visited the facilities in work this morning and pinched off an absolutely massive gigaturd. One of those movements where you have to gurn, close your eyes, and hold onto your knees for support.

Anyways, said I’d take a peek at this absolute demon of dinners past. Nothing. The bowl completely empty. Not as much as a skid. The legendary phantom poo. I was wondering if I was hallucinating or having some sort of weird LSD flashback.

easygoing39

So dropped off 2 brown trout in the pan,no fuss,ease of exit,normal movement.Was doing the clean up,couple of wipes and nearly ready to pull up the strides and wash the hands.When an urge to open the bomb-bay doors came again,and out popped another little delivery,much smaller than normal and more soft in texture.So had to do another clean up of the cheeks.Now this late arrival event has'nt happened to me in over 40 years!!