What's the etiquette here??

Training run! The last time you ran was when you heard Philomena Begley had a nipple slip in tent 2 at the Keepin’ It Country festival in Castleblaney back in 1985.

EmmetSpiceland

Last couple of days I’ve been “passing” some soft, dense, dry, logs. I’ve had this before but it’s, usually, accompanied by a clean sweep with the wiping. A “magic”, if you will. 

This time is different. The clean up is a mess. Can’t even wipe starting off, have used a crook’d finger to “scoop out” clinging clumps of chthonic cack. Then the heavy duty work has to start. Wipe after wipe of claylike crud leaving a dark streak on the white paper. Like wiping a marker, as they say.

The smell isn’t great either. A dull, unpleasant, stench. Like opening up a cut on the bog, fetid and with organic decay. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve had to, once again, “employ” the use of the children’s, flushable, toilet wipes to clear the hair of excess detritus. 

I do have a fear, due to the dense compact nature of the ordure, that it could lead to getting “backed up”, or impacted. Anyone here have any experience with the whole colonic irrigation scene?

Brendan Bendar

Would’nt go near that stuff E, plenty of good wholemeal bread should do the trick.

A week of two and you will be hosing out nice scutthery ‘loose mince’ no bother.

Leave the pan like a fcuking map of the Outer Hebrides.

AckwelFoley

When an Alien lands in my back garden and approaches me to find out what After Hours on boards is, I'll have this page book marked to show him

258 pages of talking about Shite

You seem quite ‘bound up’, dude. Lay off the microwaveable cheeseburgers.

AckwelFoley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118058746#Comment_118058746

Au contraire, there's not alot of things better than Microwaveable Burgers to force the laying of a screed.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118058778#Comment_118058778

Can’t agree there pal, bind you up big time .

Due to circumstances some time back I had to consume half a dozen over a few days.

Fcukers lodged in the ‘gun barrel’ and even quart of prune juice couldn’t shift them.

Took a grade six suppository to loosen the load and in fairness the timing was good….. blew a thick scattergun load into the Exec. bogs, expansive footprint.

Hoop felt like an anorak after the drawstring got cut, loose and floppy.

Happy days……

Sgt Hartman

I had a mixed kebab yesterday eve followed by 3 bottles of Lomza Unfiltered and a can of MacArdle's ale. I felt fine when I got up this morning for work but when brushing my teeth in the bathroom I suddenly got a powerful urge to purge my guts. I spat out the toothpaste and planted my arse on the toilet bowl, immediately releasing a flatulence assisted explosion of pale brown, sour smelling effuence. I felt amazing afterwards though, like I was after losing about 10 kilos.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059159#Comment_118059159

Good lad, hope you left it for someone else to clear off the premises.

AckwelFoley

....

Sgt Hartman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059403#Comment_118059403

My OH would kill me if I had done that. I gave the bowl a good scrub of the toilet brush as well as a big squeeze of toilet duck and a spray of Cotton Fresh Zara Home deodorizer to hide the evidence.

Anyway, another scatty story comes to mind from my late 90's college days. I was cycling to Sarsfield Barracks in Limerick to attend a Tuesday night FCA training session when I accidentally soiled myself when I forced a fart out rather too harshly. I turned around and cycled home and ran straight for the bathroom for a clean up. I couldn't take off my undies in the traditional way because it would have meant unlacing and taking off my FCA boots so I just ripped them off and gave my bumcrack a good scrub with a well lathered soapy sponge. I dried my bum off with a towel and hopped on the bike afterwards to my training session in which I quite literally went totally commando, no pun intended.

BrianD3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118001977#Comment_118001977

I knew a couple of people who always seemed to need a sh*t on a hike. Would announce it to others and seemed proud of it and would refer to it as "having a country one". As they didn't seem to have toilet urgency in other situations, I wondered were they enjoying it and engineering for it to happen (e.g. eating a tonne of bran the previous day)

I have shat outdoors and it was quite pleasurable and a great evacuation. Maybe there is a primal aspect ot it, marking territory and wiping your arse with vegetation like a caveman.

Apparently there is human sh*t everywhere on the Camino de Santiago. Most who walk it are Spanish and Catalans have some unusual attitudes to sh*t, Caganers and so on.

EmmetSpiceland

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118061980#Comment_118061980

I, myself, have endured the outside shittening in the past, B, but it should always be a private affair. Squatting over a crudely dug hole out in the wilds of nature is quite an ignominious, and vulnerable, “look”.

And the less said about using leaves the better. You never get a “magic” in the wild.

Nevin Parsnipp

In OZ they refer to it as "Bush ****" and given the Ozzie Bush is so remote it happens quite a lot.

An Ozzie trekker will always stow a bog roll in the ruck sac for emergencies.

Took a hike mysell in the Blue Mountains area on a visit to that fair land and after a feed of 4x the previous nite felt the need to evav an "incoming heavy"

Took the squat behind a large bush and hosed out a vile smelling burst of ripe scour....Sighing with relief.

"Don't get your hole sunburned mate" came a voice nearby ..".your in OZ now ...take a shite in the shady side !"...

I thanked the mullet headed trekker for his advice and continued my journey

AckwelFoley

Youngest lad is only 10 months. Got the winter vomiting bug.

Brought a tear to my eye, particularly during phase 2 which is the toxic rectal flow.

Wasn't a tear of sorrow, more a tear of joy. The volume of slurry that shot out was bigger than the tank it came from.

Any doubt of his genetic code is no longer. A chip off the old block that one. Pure shite stallion

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118068297#Comment_118068297

Pop the loaded diaper into the freezer and produce it when he is a teenager.

Gael23

As a result of my bicep dosease I have some strange that happen around the trapdoor so on the advice of my doctor I’ve started to use baby wipes to remove the leftovers. Thing is they can’t be flushed down the throne so need to bring a bag of shïit covered wipes out of the bathroom.

They do solve the problem though

EmmetSpiceland

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118068981#Comment_118068981

That’s how they do it in Greece, G. A special bin for the “soiled” paper. The pipes can’t handle any papering.

You the man

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118069015#Comment_118069015

Like was mentioned here a long time ago, think lasagne when Greece sh1tters are mentioned..

Cos nothing moves once the layers start forming...

You the man

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118058489#Comment_118058489

I find it amusing people come to comment on the volume of 250+ pages of toilet etiquette but then never leave the forum!

Aglomerado

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118061980#Comment_118061980

I've dropped a few on the Camino too,if I couldn't get to a cafe on time. Cut the arse off myself with rough Spanish grass outside St Juan de Ortega once.

It's so bad there are lovely pictorial signs prohibiting human plopping around Galicia.

I also own a caganer! ;)

Wife’s friend and husband came over for dinner years ago. Peppered steaks / Veg / lovely sweet potato fries, dessert, drop of cognac apres for the gents. The whole kit and caboodle. Anyway her husband dropped an absolutely rancid clanger in our main bathroom just before they left. The stench stayed in the room for days after. Might of been in my head, but I was physically sick after the experience. I couldn’t get the smell or the sight of him out of my head. I obsessed over it for years until finally we ended up in their place. I’m not crude so leaving a load behind was not my style. I pondered tucking a half roast chicken in behind his upstairs boiler, but in the end I didn’t bother. Seemed a bit OTT even for me.

Anyone else every experience this behaviour ? Don’t know how some guys can be so nonchalant about leaving revolting loads behind in other peoples premises.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118072163#Comment_118072163

Bad decision… should have gotten a towel from the hot press.. into the thunderbox and unload a serious splatter into it.

Fold up and bury the article behind the boiler tank in the hot press.

The maggots should have the place well infested in about 7 to 10 days ….. and the bang would be serious.

Was down at the Jazz Festival in Cork over the weekend. Extremely unhealthy diet (Hillbillies on 3 occasions) and about 30 pints of Beamish. Let an absolute fücking stinker go in the car just before we hit the Jack Lynch, and had to keep a window in the car open the whole way from the Dunkettle Interchange to the Malahide exit on the M50 such was the volume of fetid arse gas I was seeping out. Herself was dressed like an Eskimo and I didn’t get a word out of her the whole journey back. Spare room for me tonight which is probably no harm.

Nevin Parsnipp

You allus was a filthy kernt Phibes....thought you might have stopped at Kildare Villa and poured a bit o wet concrete in their superior facilities ?

No Farrah shop there I guess ?

That greasy number you got in Anthony Molloy's must be showing it's age ....throw it in the pan with a handful of fries and you has a nice little snak.

Good day to you Sir !

You sound extremely bound up, Nev. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Maybe call up to the parochial house and see if Fr. Cliff Tarmady can assist in sorting each of them out for you.

Also give the Bombay Mix and dangerously strong Moldavian lager a miss for a while. Give Alone a call and see if they’ll drop you out a few dinners.

You can have that advice for nothing, buddy.

Brendan Bendar

Good call Dr.

Was playing in a Charidee event at a club recently, not one I would normally darken the doors of.

Serious amount of 44” - 26” merchants circling the bar area.

One lad in set of rain gear like an abbatoir operative rolled out on the first tee.

After he schutthered a drive about 110 meters fcukker brings up a hockle and leaves a ‘gold watch’ glistening on the tee box.

Filthy kernt…….. sight of it caused a Fcukking snap hook and a double bogey for me.

wouldnt be surprised if it was Parsnipp.

Picking at his hole with a tee no doubt. Then load the Wilson’s into the boot of the Dacia, and into the clubhouse for 12 pints and a slab of overcooked lamb the size of his massive fat head.

Not the sort of behaviour you’d get on the Bull Island clubs or out Portmarnock direction. One of the ‘out past the airport’ places no doubt.

Larbre34

Those last few posts made me laugh so much my wife thought I might be having a cardiac episode.

Brendan Bendar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118094368#Comment_118094368

For sure Dr. had a terrible score , holes were cut like a bag-ladies box.

You won’t see me there again.