What's the etiquette here??

01-04-2021 11:38am

partyguinness wrote: »

A key question: are the other participants in this Zoom meeting expected to wait while you take care of business?

No, absolutely not. The meeting goes on as usual, with the other participants unaware that you are pinching out a length of spine. Obviously only works if you aren’t actively engaging in the discussion.

Brendan Bendar · 01-04-2021 11:58am

Good advice there Emmett.

Lad I knew was rather careless when it got to zoom calls, did a lot of them,and got very lazy about etiquette, carrying the lappie around with him stuff visiting different rooms around the house.
Always toted the lappie with him no matter what.

Anyway was on the way to the shïtter during a lull and parked the lappie in position.

However got a distraction of a landline call....yeah one of them... and got forgetful.

At this stage the ‘roast starting to smoke’ rushed in to the pan and sluiced a huge soapy log followed by a spray of rancid loose scutter into the bowl.

It was only when having selected a fist full of shït tickets he thought of the laptop which apparently had captured the evacuation with full Dolby sound in the far side of the globe.

Went viral around company in Taiwan apparently and despite strenuous efforts copies are still appearing here and there..

You have been warned.

partyguinness · 01-04-2021 3:24pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Good advice there Emmett.

Lad I knew was rather careless when it got to zoom calls, did a lot of them,and got very lazy about etiquette, carrying the lappie around with him stuff visiting different rooms around the house.
Always toted the lappie with him no matter what.

Anyway was on the way to the shïtter during a lull and parked the lappie in position.

However got a distraction of a landline call....yeah one of them... and got forgetful.

At this stage the ‘roast starting to smoke’ rushed in to the pan and sluiced a huge soapy log followed by a spray of rancid loose scutter into the bowl.

It was only when having selected a fist full of shït tickets he thought of the laptop which apparently had captured the evacuation with full Dolby sound in the far side of the globe.

Went viral around company in Taiwan apparently and despite strenuous efforts copies are still appearing here and there..

You have been warned.

We should all take time to reflect on that nightmare scenario. A sobering reminder of the dangers of complacency. Much appreciated Brendan.

Brendan Bendar · 01-04-2021 3:50pm

partyguinness wrote: »

We should all take time to reflect on that nightmare scenario. A sobering reminder of the dangers of complacency. Much appreciated Brendan.

Hope it saves somebody PG... as we get more and more ‘digitized’ this is bound to be more common and if captured by unscrupulous forces could make things a tad difficult.

I mean you have reached heights and you are just after sacking you COO and Internal Audit Manager when on the exit interview he extolls your virtues and says

“Been great working with you Brenner, little CD of that ‘experience ‘ in the the Sheraton in Harare..for you . only about 12 mins long .... with young Lovemore.. copy for yourself as a memento.......and...... I have a few spares if you want some for Mrs B”...

I’ll keep in touch

Fireball81 · 01-04-2021 7:12pm

The spare bedroom being used for WFH has an ensuite.

Was on another boring teams call this morning (I was just listening) decided to take a dump while it was on this morning.

A good example of multi tasking.

Hector Savage · 07-04-2021 10:54am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Playing a very dangerous game there, ADP. As some geek once said during a, very boring, “talk” on IT security: “you need to manage your risks”.

Bringing the laptop into the toilet could have you “going viral” in the most unflattering of situations. A slip of the mind, clicking the wrong button or an improbably “glitch” could have all of your colleagues watching on in horror as you grunt and wheeze out a King Kong’s finger.

Best “tape up” the camera just to be sure. If it’s just the audio there’s less chance of your toileting being “forwarded many times” on WhatsApp.

Manage your risks, ADP. Manage your risks.

Sound sound advice.

I love this thread.

Brendan Bendar · 07-04-2021 7:15pm

Left a fairly sour ‘King Edward’ in the shïtters in Ballybrack Tesco.

Had to get a key to get in and left the lad wallowing in the bend.

Returned the key and an extremely hot lass took it over .

Abandoned shopping and left heading south to Greystones.

:cool:

08-04-2021 7:38pm

Getting married later on this year, so ordered these things called Lipid Binders to assist in my weight loss journey ahead of the big day. Started using them this morning. Absolutely nightmarish. Says to take two of them with a large glass of water 15 minutes before a meal. Had scrambled eggs and coffee for the breakfast, and then headed out the door on 'important company business' to visit a client site. Started getting some serious cramps only 15 minutes into the journey, and I'll admit I broke the speed limit from Donaghmede SC to Circle K in Clonshaugh. Ran in the fúcking door like I was about to raid the place.

Absolutely coated the pan, and I'd like to apologise to the staff for tucking the spoiled boxers in behind the commode. I wasn't thinking straight.

Had to turn back, and have been perched on the can all day. Like hosing rusty water through the eye of a darning needle. My missus had to run an extension lead to the door of the ensuite jacks so I can keep the laptop charged while watching the golf.

Dangerous yokes and going straight in the bin. Be careful out there folks.

EmmetSpiceland · 08-04-2021 7:50pm

Abominable things, Dr. P, you did well to stop taking them there and then.

Knew a lad who got into a “weight loss” competition with a guy from another club. A whomever loses the most weight by the end of the summer wins, type deal.

The guy I know gets those “fat binder” tablets, doesn’t fancy the old fashioned diet and exercise route. Terrible call.

Said the first time he farted he just squirted sticky oil into his jocks. The stuff went through and ruined his jeans. Said while bunting out gooey “fat bergs” wasn’t the worst, it was nightmare fuel to see in the pan.

Anyway, he won the bet. Think it was for something like a hundred quid. Not worth it at all. Yer man say he ‘still can’t look at sausages’, even still.

Congrats on the upcoming nuptials but, please, if only for your own sake, diet and exercise. No gimmicks.

Brendan Bendar · 08-04-2021 7:52pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Getting married later on this year, so ordered these things called Lipid Binders to assist in my weight loss journey ahead of the big day. Started using them this morning. Absolutely nightmarish. Says to take two of them with a large glass of water 15 minutes before a meal. Had scrambled eggs and coffee for the breakfast, and then headed out the door on 'important company business' to visit a client site. Started getting some serious cramps only 15 minutes into the journey, and I'll admit I broke the speed limit from Donaghmede SC to Circle K in Clonshaugh. Ran in the fúcking door like I was about to raid the place.

Absolutely coated the pan, and I'd like to apologise to the staff for tucking the spoiled boxers in behind the commode. I wasn't thinking straight.

Had to turn back, and have been perched on the can all day. Like hosing rusty water through the eye of a darning needle. My missus had to run an extension lead to the door of the ensuite jacks so I can keep the laptop charged while watching the golf.

Dangerous yokes and going straight in the bin. Be careful out there folks.

Fcukk sake dude, you need to work on the major muscle.

Hang a brick off yer wand for about 10 mins every morning, bring a few spangle mags with you .

Atter about a month you will have a weapon like the push back bar for an A380.

That’s all you need pal, Few rubber bands wrapped around the stem and the lass will have a ‘batther up’ like a pot of country vegetable soup.

You will be ‘ up to the root’ in her easy.

Concentrate on the important stuff Dr.

08-04-2021 7:59pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Abominable things, Dr. P, you did well to stop taking them there and then.

Knew a lad who got into a “weight loss” competition with a guy from another club. A whomever loses the most weight by the end of the summer wins, type deal.

The guy I know gets those “fat binder” tablets, doesn’t fancy the old fashioned diet and exercise route. Terrible call.

Said the first time he farted he just squirted sticky oil into his jocks. The stuff went through and ruined his jeans. Said while bunting out gooey “fat bergs” wasn’t the worst, it was nightmare fuel to see in the pan.

Anyway, he won the bet. Think it was for something like a hundred quid. Not worth it at all. Yer man say he ‘still can’t look at sausages’, even still.

Congrats on the upcoming nuptials but, please, if only for your own sake, diet and exercise. No gimmicks.

In fairness I've lost about 3kg already today. Had to take one of those dioralyte yokes about an hour ago to replace the lost fluids. If this keeps up I'll look less like Shane Lowry and more like Dustin Johnson by the end of the weekend.

08-04-2021 9:21pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Fcukk sake dude, you need to work on the major muscle.

Hang a brick off yer wand for about 10 mins every morning, bring a few spangle mags with you .

Atter about a month you will have a weapon like the push back bar for an A380.

That’s all you need pal, Few rubber bands wrapped around the stem and the lass will have a ‘batther up’ like a pot of country vegetable soup.

You will be ‘ up to the root’ in her easy.

Concentrate on the important stuff Dr.

Nothing wrong with my 'bride frightener', pal.

mobileforest · 08-04-2021 10:19pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

My missus had to run an extension lead to the door of the ensuite jacks so I can keep the laptop charged while watching the golf.

Can’t say I could commend you on your diet choices but clearly you chose wisely when choosing your future spouse. This one definitely sounds like a keeper.

partyguinness · 09-04-2021 11:33am

As my father always said: "No point taking shortcuts. You are only fooling yourself"

...or ****ting your pants. Eat less = weight loss

EmmetSpiceland · 13-04-2021 11:38am

Hoowee, boy howdy! I’m just after dropping what could only be described as a “hefty” dump. It was some ride, not painful but, certainly, wide and in abundance.

There was one strange “occurrence” during this “evac”. The initial stool was thick, hard and long but as it exited, maybe 4, maybe 5, inches out, it stalled. I’m not sure of the exact mechanics of what went on but it seems that the load behind was of a softer “consistency”. This seemed to run into the stalled log but instead of just dislodging it it must have “concertina’d” as there was a strange, thin, high pitched farting noise but this was emanating from the bolus, itself, and not the arse, as would be expected.

I felt that was a signal to engage the “cigar cutter” and send her on her way. There was still a fair load getting delivered, so much so it broke the waterline. The wiping was an endurance test. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe....wipe. Like wiping a marker, as they say. This would come back to bite me.

When I was finally finished, feeling well refreshed and made anew, I hit the flush. I could see straight away this was going to problematic. The shíte had formed a fairly solid “faecal dam”, along with the excess paper. The water level rose instantly.

Thankfully, a cursory “poke” with the brush sent it on its way with a gurgling surge. The streaking was pronounced. Took a fair few “runs” with the brush to clear them all. Then a couple of additional flushes to shift the “detritus” and return the water back to a clear state.

Still, the post-birth glow was still on me and the slight stress of the blockage and the “manual” cleanup weren’t going to dampen my spirit. There’s still a spring in my step that should last long into the afternoon. Feelin’ fine.

13-04-2021 12:16pm

The old three states of matter. Never good. Does get you thinking though about the possibility of Robert Boyle discovering his famous law about the pressure of a gas increasing as the volume decreases after being struck with a serious case of flatulence after a Christmas Dinner.

13-04-2021 1:41pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The old three states of matter. Never good. Does get you thinking though about the possibility of Robert Boyle discovering his famous law about the pressure of a gas increasing as the volume decreases after being struck with a serious case of flatulence after a Christmas Dinner.

It would make you wonder how many of mankind's greatest accomplishments have their origins on the thunder box.

13-04-2021 5:31pm

Deleted User wrote: »

It would make you wonder how many of mankind's greatest accomplishments have their origins on the thunder box.

Some of the great philosophical insights must have emerged as a result of taking some time on the throne after taking an enormous dump. Epicarus almost certainly developed most of his perspectives while musing on the commode. Maybe not Plato though. Seemed like a very 'bound up' sort of individual.

"The summit of pleasure is the elimination of all that gives pain." came about after he finally dropped anchor after a period of severe constipation.

Gael23 · 14-04-2021 11:17pm

Took a dump this morning and not quite sure how my anus stretched wide enough to push it out

Brendan Bendar · 15-04-2021 7:18am

Gael23 wrote: »

Took a dump this morning and not quite sure how my anus stretched wide enough to push it out

Loosen the drawstring next time, sahib.

‘Schidts Easing Oil’ is a good product.

Rub into the muzzle.

Hotblack Desiato · 15-04-2021 12:10pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Dangerous yokes and going straight in the bin. Be careful out there folks.

Opportunity missed, there. If you had more of an entrepreneurial instinct, you could become the new Tubgirl.

Deleted User wrote: »

The old three states of matter. Never good.

There are actually four states of matter. I swear to jaysus there was at least one occasion it felt like plasma was coming out of my arse.

Deleted User wrote: »

Some of the great philosophical insights must have emerged as a result of taking some time on the throne after taking an enormous dump.

The Fisher King, great film (yes I've posted this before

)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re9YorsrUa4

Dual wheels · 15-04-2021 9:09pm

Was in tesco there picking up a few bits, was in the biscuit isle, nobody around so I let an unmerciful rasper, just then a woman came around the corner so I had to leg it to the counter where the woman also landed to tell a member of staff that she thought someone left a sh1t in the biscuit isle, won’t be going in there for a while

Aglomerado · 15-04-2021 9:10pm

Dual wheels wrote: »

Was in tesco there picking up a few bits, was in the biscuit isle, nobody around so I let an unmerciful rasper, just then a woman came around the corner so I had to leg it to the counter where the woman also landed to tell a member of staff that she thought someone left a sh1t in the biscuit isle, won’t be going in there for a while

...Arsebiscuits!

15-04-2021 9:43pm

Dual wheels wrote: »

Was in tesco there picking up a few bits, was in the biscuit isle, nobody around so I let an unmerciful rasper, just then a woman came around the corner so I had to leg it to the counter where the woman also landed to tell a member of staff that she thought someone left a sh1t in the biscuit isle, won’t be going in there for a while

It wasn't in the Supermarket formerly known as JCs in Swords by any chance? Hear they had a real issue with lads letting off absolutely foul farts in the place - especially around the near-dated bin in the alcohol section.

Brendan Bendar · 15-04-2021 10:37pm

Deleted User wrote: »

It wasn't in the Supermarket formerly known as JCs in Swords by any chance? Hear they had a real issue with lads letting off absolutely foul farts in the place - especially around the near-dated bin in the alcohol section.

All changed, changed utterly Doc.

No fcuking 20 Red Stripe for €20, 20 Zlaty Basant ditto, 7 Baltika for €10.

LCL Pils, Asahi, Superbok, Pabst, Zambezi,Cobra,..... Jaysus... the good times.

Locals wouldn’t touch them so happy days.

15-04-2021 10:54pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

All changed, changed utterly Doc.

No fcuking 20 Red Stripe for €20, 20 Zlaty Basant ditto, 7 Baltika for €10.

LCL Pils, Asahi, Superbok, Pabst, Zambezi,Cobra,..... Jaysus... the good times.

Locals wouldn’t touch them so happy days.

12 cans of 8-Ace 1 litre for €4.50. :eek:

Heard it a Dunnes now. Very poor selection in general I find. The place to go for a free range duck, or a nice piece of smoked haddock, but not a destination for a cooking lager connoisseur.

Brendan Bendar · 15-04-2021 11:12pm

Deleted User wrote: »

12 cans of 8-Ace 1 litre for €4.50. :eek:

Heard it a Dunnes now. Very poor selection in general I find. The place to go for a free range duck, or a nice piece of smoked haddock, but not a destination for a cooking lager connoisseur.

Not any more Doc, not any more.

easygoing39 · 16-04-2021 7:06am

Reminds me of the famous story about JC'S

Voice comes over the tannoy speakers in the supermarket

"24 can trays of Bud,15 quid, must be drunk tonight, sell by date now"

Dual wheels · 16-04-2021 8:15pm

easygoing39 wrote: »

Reminds me of the famous story about JC'S

Voice comes over the tannoy speakers in the supermarket

"24 can trays of Bud,15 quid, must be drunk tonight, sell by date now"

Sell by dates never meant much to the discerning JC shopper

AdrianBalboa · 22-04-2021 7:46pm

I stopped in the shop this morning after spending a few hours cycling around Bushy Park and Ballsbridge, post-Nespressos.

Imagine my horror when I had to pull out my mask out from the arse pocket of my cycling shorts and it was marinated in sweat and coffee farts. I nearly fainted and thought I had gasped my last! Luckily I gritted my teeth and held my breath and managed to pick up what I needed without losing consciousness.

I’m sorely tempted to bury that mask and send it back to Hell where it belongs but I’m worried about what might happen if our dog found it. She’s heavily pregnant and a whiff of that could only lead to disaster for her and her litter of smallies.

What's the etiquette here??

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