What's the etiquette here??

jaffusmax

Aglomerado wrote: »

Reminds me of a former work colleague who had a delicate stomach.
She was queuing for a nightclub in Limerick and a lad in front of her farted.
She immediately got sick,all over his shoes and trousers.
Revenge you say? Bouncers thought she'd had a skinful and wouldn't let her in. :pac:

I just googled that a dogs sense of smell is 10,000 to 100,000 better than humans.

My poor wee terrier

Aglomerado

adam88 wrote: »

The other half worked in a surgeons office and rang a patient for a stool sample. The patient was a hospital healthcare worker and they presumed that they’d know how to gather it or put it together. (A favour was called in so it all had to be down rush rush). You know those blood sample forms that they put the small blood bottles into, Piece of hard paper with all the writing and then a plastic pocket that you put the bottles into. Well the patient literally took a dump into that bag. Sealed it up and landed it into the secretary’s office. There was blue murder and she refused to work in the office until the cleaners were in and decontaminated everything. I was weak pmsl. Supposedly you were supposed to pop into a sterile container, then scoop some out and put it into another smaller container and then put it into the bag. Not literally **** into the bag

I've wanted to do that to old bosses/ teachers.

Aglomerado

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Did the poor lad covered in her puke get in though?

(I presume you were there, I can't imagine she'd normally be relating over tea on Monday morning the full details of who she'd got sick on over the weekend, and why)

Although "delicate stomach" does sound perilously similar to the "must have got a bad pint" excuses. "Yeah, I have a bit of a delicate stomach (after ten pints.)" "Must've got a bad pint (think it was the 12th one.)"

I think how it came about was when we were in an open plan office and someone was talking about blood and she had to run out of the room. Then she told this story to show how squeamish she was. Story was related over delivery dockets and order forms. :D:D
Poor girl would never survive in some of the civil service bogs I've encountered in my later career.

The last gig I was at before the pandemic hit was in Cyprus Avenue in Cork. I was queuing up the stairs to get in and because I'm a shortarse my head was level with the arse of the fella in front of me... I was treated to a ripe blast of fetid log wind, but thankfully I am of stronger constitution and was able to hold my breath!

Brendan Bendar

Did the back of the trousers ‘flutter’ in the blast?

Auld lad was buying at the meat counter in Dunnes there recently and I was the 2 meters behind.

Was wearing pull up kersey Trekkie bottoms with plenty of sag around the arse.

Suddenly he let go a low rumbling fetid gush of arse gas and I swear the trousers ballooned out like the parachutes those fighter jets deploy on landing.

Waft would stagger a small bull water buffalo.

Cleared the counter pronto.

Hotblack Desiato

Gael23 wrote: »

Drop a log and use a disposable spoon to put a piece in a tube for laboratory analysis.

Grab a poncy little plastic spoon off one of those overpriced "gelato" wanky places, and drop it back into the mix when you're done. Serves them cnuts right. Degree of wipage dependent on mood.

Gael23

adam88 wrote: »

The other half worked in a surgeons office and rang a patient for a stool sample. The patient was a hospital healthcare worker and they presumed that they’d know how to gather it or put it together. (A favour was called in so it all had to be done rush rush). You know those blood sample forms that they put the small blood bottles into, Piece of hard paper with all the writing and then a plastic pocket that you put the bottles into. Well the patient literally took a dump into that bag. Sealed it up and landed it into the secretary’s office. There was blue murder and she refused to work in the office until the cleaners were in and decontaminated everything. I was weak pmsl. Supposedly you were supposed to poop into a sterile container, then scoop some out and put it into another smaller container and then put it into the bag. Not literally **** into the bag

I had to produce a stool sample earlier this week.
This is horrifically amusing!

EmmetSpiceland

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Grab a poncy little plastic spoon off one of those overpriced "gelato" wanky places, and drop it back into the mix when you're done. Serves them cnuts right. Degree of wipage dependent on mood.

A disproportionate response but no jury in the land would convict you.

EmmetSpiceland

Gael23 wrote: »

I had to produce a stool sample earlier this week.
This is horrifically amusing!

What’s the best “approach” here, G? Dump into a potty and then scoop, do you fish it out of the stool settling into the bowl, or is there a bag option?

Would be good to know what works best should any of us be in a similar position in the near future.

partyguinness

and just to add to E's musings, would you take the sample from the front or the back end of the stool? Does it make a difference?

In other words, do you need to let the "tap run" for a bit before picking your spot?

Gael23

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

What’s the best “approach” here, G? Dump into a potty and then scoop, do you fish it out of the stool settling into the bowl, or is there a bag option?

Would be good to know what works best should any of us be in a similar position in the near future.

The shít can never touch the water. Best way is to cover the toilet with cling film, do your business then scoop. Cling film in the bin.

Anyone with a baby you could dump into a nappy then scoop into sample bottle

Brendan Bendar

I had to produce a stool sample some time ago and took great pleasure in opening up the page with Gene Kerrigans mug on it.

Squared the fcuker up under the muzzle, plastic bag under the page ,and discharged a violent burst of very sour loose midden into his mush.

Needed a slotted spoon to transfer the cargo into the sample unit, took the ‘two hour heavily soiled’ program in the Dishwasher to bring the spoon back into regular use.

Everything good, just a note on the report to cut down on the ‘Gubbeen Chorizo”.

No problem says Bren when he checked the Fcukking price.

Excellent stuff though………

Brendan Bendar

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I had to produce a stool sample some time ago and took great pleasure in opening up the page with Gene Kerrigans mug on it.

Squared the fcuker up under the muzzle, plastic bag under the page ,and discharged a violent burst of very sour loose midden into his mush.

Needed a slotted spoon to transfer the cargo into the sample unit, took the ‘two hour heavily soiled’ program in the Dishwasher to bring the spoon back into regular use.

Everything good, just a note on the report to cut down on the ‘Gubbeen Chorizo”.

No problem says Bren when he checked the Fcukking price.

Excellent stuff though………

Excellent stuff as you say, Brendan. Everything from the Gubbeen range tbh. You get what you pay for.


Moved over to their premium chorizo after a very unpleasant incident involving a Bellybuster Diavola pizza from a 3rd tier pizza place in the area. The thing was an oily mess of substandard chorizo, jalapenos, spicy sausage, and chilli flakes. Washed it all down with 10 pint bottles of tepid Guinness Extra Stout.


Won't go into too much detail, but the next day was a fúcking catastrophe when it came to matters pertaining to the lower digestive system. Strongly considered making an emergency visit to the VHI Clinic to see if I'd managed to cause myself second-degree burns.



Ended up doing some 'in the field' repairs involving a large pot of Greek yogurt, some cellophane, and a bag of frozen peas.

EmmetSpiceland

Ever see that scene in ‘Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls’ where he’s trying to get out through that fake rhino’s arse?

I feel just like that rhino, if it had been a real one. Jesus, I’ve been stretched. Still feeling a slight “sting” and all.

There seemed to be one big piece, must have been shaped like a rugby ball, probably closer to an American football. Pieces of the front part sort of broke off in “clumps” and sent cold splashes back up. Soothing in a way but also doing nothing to sort the, faecal, matter at hand.

Took some amount of pushing, and rocking, to shift it. The relief wasn’t immediate either. “Ring piece” felt instantly bruised. Happening too often, and too late at night. A hot, stingy, ring leads to a restless time before getting to sleep.

Might try liberal amounts of ‘Sudocrem’, a fitting salute for the company moving to Bulgaria.

Here’s hoping that Monday is a new, and better, start for us all.

Purple Mountain

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Ever see that scene in ‘Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls’ where he’s trying to get out through that fake rhino’s arse?

I feel just like that rhino, if it had been a real one. Jesus, I’ve been stretched. Still feeling a slight “sting” and all.

There seemed to be one big piece, must have been shaped like a rugby ball, probably closer to an American football. Pieces of the front part sort of broke off in “clumps” and sent cold splashes back up. Soothing in a way but also doing nothing to sort the, faecal, matter at hand.

Took some amount of pushing, and rocking, to shift it. The relief wasn’t immediate either. “Ring piece” felt instantly bruised. Happening too often, and too late at night. A hot, stingy, ring leads to a restless time before getting to sleep.

Might try liberal amounts of ‘Sudocrem’, a fitting salute for the company moving to Bulgaria.

Here’s hoping that Monday is a new, and better, start for us all.

Try being a woman giving birth to a 10lb human.

Mr.Sir

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Ever see that scene in ‘Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls’ where he’s trying to get out through that fake rhino’s arse?

I feel just like that rhino, if it had been a real one. Jesus, I’ve been stretched. Still feeling a slight “sting” and all.

There seemed to be one big piece, must have been shaped like a rugby ball, probably closer to an American football. Pieces of the front part sort of broke off in “clumps” and sent cold splashes back up. Soothing in a way but also doing nothing to sort the, faecal, matter at hand.

Took some amount of pushing, and rocking, to shift it. The relief wasn’t immediate either. “Ring piece” felt instantly bruised. Happening too often, and too late at night. A hot, stingy, ring leads to a restless time before getting to sleep.

Might try liberal amounts of ‘Sudocrem’, a fitting salute for the company moving to Bulgaria.

Here’s hoping that Monday is a new, and better, start for us all.

You need your diet looked at. Pushing on stubborn bowel movements is not good for you.

EmmetSpiceland

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Try being a woman giving birth to a 10lb human.

Not something I could ever fully comprehend, P. If I’m honest, I wouldn’t have needed an epidural earlier on but I’d definitely have taken a few huffs of gas to get by.

Purple Mountain

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not something I could ever fully comprehend, P. If I’m honest, I wouldn’t have needed an epidural earlier on but I’d definitely have taken a few huffs of gas to get by.

You can buy TENS machines in a lot of chemists now.
They send little electrodes to ease the pain of labour contractions. Perhaps they'd work for bowel contractions to and could be something to invest in for your bathroom cabinet.

partyguinness

I'll cut straight to the chase: I have not had a dump since Monday morning.

The only time I would got a few days without a dump is after a very very hard beering session and I have shat my brains out several times so there is nothing left. Takes a few day to build back up. But that didnt happen here. This is very unusual and I cannot explain it. I have eaten normally.

Google says I could have a whole array of deadly afflictions. Am I dying?

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

I'll cut straight to the chase: I have not had a dump since Monday morning.

The only time I would got a few days without a dump is after a very very hard beering session and I have shat my brains out several times so there is nothing left. Takes a few day to build back up. But that didnt happen here. This is very unusual and I cannot explain it. I have eaten normally.

Google says I could have a whole array of deadly afflictions. Am I dying?

My advice would be to trust in the “Bendar Method”, P, as many kiwis as you can get into you.

I’d like to add to that, though, you should drink plenty of water, and try get some oils in too. Going a number of days “without” can often lead to a very hard, and very dry, ordure.

Try not to panic and, if you are concerned, you couldn’t go wrong swiping a “dollop” of Vaseline in and around your hoop before any “evacuations”.

Stay strong, P. Stay strong,

Hotblack Desiato

partyguinness wrote: »

I'll cut straight to the chase: I have not had a dump since Monday morning.

No need for panic just yet P, you're barely over the 48 hour mark.

Arthur Fent

I've an arse like a muck spreader this week !

Gael23

Do you all get down to business first thing in the morning or what time of day?

Arthur Fent

Gael23 wrote: »

Do you all get down to business first thing in the morning or what time of day?

Personally speaking Gael23, 9 out of 10 times...I'll have a movement before I set out for work in the morning.

Arthur Fent

Arthur Fent wrote: »

Personally speaking Gael23, 9 out of 10 times...I'll have a movement before I set out for work in the morning.

Same as myself, Arthur. I wonder if any research has been conducted into the link between early morning bowel movements and success in life?

Some of the more bound up and irritable posters on this site are surely late evening or before bed shïtters?

Hotblack Desiato

Arthur Fent wrote: »

Personally speaking Gael23, 9 out of 10 times...I'll have a movement before I set out for work in the morning.

The most satisfying dumps are always on company time

Gael23

Arthur Fent wrote: »

Personally speaking Gael23, 9 out of 10 times...I'll have a movement before I set out for work in the morning.

For me nothing usually happens until I eat my breakfast.
Are my bowels messed up?

Hotblack Desiato

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

The most satisfying dumps are always on company time

Indeed H, I usually use the company facilities around 11am. It breaks up the morning between starting and tea break quite nicely.

EmmetSpiceland

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

The most satisfying dumps are always on company time

If I ever had to drop one before work I’d alway be sure to “claim” it back by taking a solid 10-15 minute toilet break around 10:30am.

That’s my usual “drop off” time. In and around then. Have been “afflicted” by a late night dump for a good while now but hoping that all changes when we return to “normality”.

Hotblack Desiato

Maybe your rectum needs to be "shocked back into a normal rhythm" as it were?

A defibrillator for the ass.

I fully believe you can train your innards to produce a "movement" at a given time. Just a few moments ago, I was sleeping peacefully, when I was awoken by a sudden gurgling.

I live on a farm, and the milking machine comes on around this time. That usually wakes me up, so I have a couple of hours to kill before work, which time I use productively, on the toilet.

Like clockwork, just then, my colon asked "the toilet, please?" I am somewhat proud of his efficiency.

I grabbed a book of poetry from the shelf, she was already "crowning". I must have known this would be a quick delivery. My brother met me on the stairs. "Good morni...", "Not NOW" was the reply, a bit too brusque, I will apologise later.

I was delivered of twins, healthy and plump. Flushed off with an "adieu" and papa is back in bed, recovering.

What was my point? Oh yes, the diurnal clock. Your body likes to get into a rhythm, and my digestive bouts always happen in this window. Am a little proud of it, tbqh.