What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I stopped in the shop this morning after spending a few hours cycling around Bushy Park and Ballsbridge, post-Nespressos.

Imagine my horror when I had to pull out my mask out from the arse pocket of my cycling shorts and it was marinated in sweat and coffee farts. I nearly fainted and thought I had gasped my last! Luckily I gritted my teeth and held my breath and managed to pick up what I needed without losing consciousness.

I’m sorely tempted to bury that mask and send it back to Hell where it belongs but I’m worried about what might happen if our dog found it. She’s heavily pregnant and a whiff of that could only lead to disaster for her and her litter of smallies.

Usually the fetid mixture of arse oil, winnit grease and Lycra juice would be enough to stagger a young hippo, so well done for remaining upright.

hank scorpio89

I'm in an aweful predicament right now friends.i had several cans of Arthur's finest Friday and last night and a feed of mr miyagis finest special curry and fried wontons.the problem is today I'm farting that much I could burn a hole in my jocks but I'm bound and nothing is passing if you get me..I've an early start in the morning and I'm not up for sharting myself on the bus ..again ...how does one relieve oneself under such circumstances.

Brendan Bendar

May be a bit late now, but three or four kiwi fruit is a great way of freeing things up.

Had a similar problem myself, injested those bad boys and two hours later , in work, blew a dark green sheet of sour loose midden which coated the ‘bathroom furniture’ very extensively.

So bad, I had to leave it for little Magda to deal with.She went in full hazard gear, but brightened up when as company representative I apologized for the ‘animal’ who sprayed the units and slipped her a ‘fiddy’ for her troubles.

Give her a tap of the ‘big bazooka’ too ,so I would.....!!

Slideways

Left a massive marmite motorway down the bowl..

I would have cleaned up but some animal had broken the head off the toilet brush. Just the handle left behind and no matter what I did it wouldn’t have cleaned it satisfactorily so better to leave it in all it’s glory. Was a unisex schitter after all

gerrybbadd

I achieved the near impossible yesterday.

I was on a heavy duty course of 2 different anti biotics twice a day, and also pro biotics twice a day. Ah the lord blessus, the volume.

It had to have been at least 18 inches long. It was still exiting as it touched the bottom of the bowl. In one continuous, very hard cylinder. A butcher could use it to great effect to chase a pack of starving dogs from his shop.

hank scorpio89

hank scorpio89 wrote: »

I'm in an aweful predicament right now friends.i had several cans of Arthur's finest Friday and last night and a feed of mr miyagis finest special curry and fried wontons.the problem is today I'm farting that much I could burn a hole in my jocks but I'm bound and nothing is passing if you get me..I've an early start in the morning and I'm not up for sharting myself on the bus ..again ...how does one relieve oneself under such circumstances.

You left it too late to deal with it properly. You couldn’t recommend the old reliable of 3 tablespoons of castor oil as solution just hours before bed. Could wake up like Spud from Trainspotting.

A morning solution is a large mug of Maxwell House and 3 cowboy killers. A large glass of prune juice as well. Don’t leave the house for at least an hour afterwards as you don’t want to be pulling in at the side of the road for an urgent evacuation.

EmmetSpiceland

Not having a great time of it lately. Seem to be on a 2 days on, 2 days off shift. The first “on day” isn’t very pleasant. Quite dry and, very, wide.

The second day always brings the feeling that things are looking up and back to normal. You know, text book “evacuations”. Slick and easy, leaning towards a Type 4 on the ‘Bristol Stool Chart’.

But these, then, flatter to deceive. The next day nothing. The day after that, nothing. Walking around feeling like that lady in the ‘Senokot’ ads, filling the bag with compost but nothing budging.

I’ve started dread the first “on day”. Have tried a few “remedies”, a number of cod liver oil capsules, fruit, berries, smoothies but nothing has worked. Haven’t been able to source kiwi fruits so hope is not lost and I haven’t been driven to resorting to, the nuclear option, tinned pears.

I’m on that first day now, today. Nothing as yet. I took the steps of eating a large quantity of meat yesterday, and treated myself to a fried breakfast earlier, to see if I can push back the “unloading” to tomorrow, see if another 12 hours in the boiler could churn it up so that it won’t be as rough on the first “sitting” and maybe force a “reset” of the entire system.

I mean, it’s worth a shot, right? I’ve upped my water intake too. Last thing I need is a dose of “the grits” so, fingers crossed, things change tomorrow.

In the meantime, any suggestions welcomed.

EmmetSpiceland

Update 01/05/2021:

I managed to make my way over to Tescos early yesterday morning. The meat had done the trick, albeit uncomfortably, of delaying the first “unloading”. Can’t say I slept well but the job was done.

There wasn’t too much gurgling, or discomfort, when I woke. Was straight over to the shop and picked up a bunch of kiwis. Got more cod liver oil, too, but this time I’d be taking it by the spoonful, ghastly business. Was hoping to procure some ‘Andrew’s Liver Salts’ but they didn’t appear to have them in stock.

Decided on another fried breakfast, as I didn’t want to “flush” the system immediately. Figured a bed of loose, fried, fatty meats would make it a gradual process. Wishful thinking, I’m sure.

I sank 4 kiwis straight away, 3 of which were quite hard. These were followed by a banana, 2 mandarins and 2 table spoons of cod liver oil. After the guts of an hour nothing was stirring so I figured the internal “mixture” must have been boiling over nicely.

By lunchtime I decided to have another 2 kiwis and 2 more tablespoons of cod liver oil. I don’t know what I was thinking but I had a large glass of Pepsi with my toasted ham sandwich for lunch.

The fizz seemed to act as a “catalyst” because soon after I was blowing out long, airy, fetid, farts. Very low register ones that were hard clear. They seemed to just hang around no matter how many windows were opened or candles lit, although I put those out due to fears of exposure to a naked flame, followed the old adage of “safety first”.

Anyway, eventually I got the feeling the dam was about to burst. Was looking forward to passing a couple of slick, stout, buttery logs instead of those dry, scratchy, baby heads that have been a staple of the first “on day”.

Unfortunately, this was not to be. I don’t know if any of you have ever watched a clip of a large pipe, or drain, being unblocked through sheer force but that’s how it felt for me. The “head” was the same, dry and hard. I had to use the my hands flat against the walls to steady myself and get some additional “purchase” for the big push. Before I had time to relax after the hard, solid, bolus slapped the water below this, what could only be described as “shít slurry” started draining out of me. Foamy and hot.

After about 3 runs of that the gas came. Loud and noxious. I swear to god at one point it sounded like Carol Channing shouting “Raspberries!”. Then the liquid came. Was really pasting the bowl with a wet, oily, discharge. I’d started to wipe during the “fart stage”, thinking that was it but when I wiped after the watery stuff it seemed I was “running clear”. Unsettling, to say the least.

I knew from the volume of the load and the amount of paper that this was going to be a 2 flush “affair”. What I wasn’t prepared for was the little husks of kiwi skin or the oily film on the water top. The seeds peppering the bowl floor and floating around in the, discoloured, water were to be expected.

Spent the rest of the day keeping to myself and farting liberally. Dreadful odours that I’d mostly tried to release out the back, under the “guise” of letter the dog out for a wizz. Must have been fairly well cleared out as there was no “aftershocks” and managed a refreshingly standard movement there this morning after 10:30am. No skins or seeds appeared on the ordure, at any rate. Should be plain sailing from here on in.

Apologies for taking up so much of your time with this but I really do feel that one shouldn’t have to suffer in silence when it comes to these “matters”.

Stay safe, folks. And, please, at the first sign of trouble, head for the kiwis. Those with allergies should stick to pears. Always fresh, never tinned.

As you were.

I've had a few monsters that I had to cut in half to flush.

I remember one that touched the end of the u-bend and still had enough length to breach the water on top.

Hector Savage

Been back at the office and it's put a nice boost to my dumping, first off I missed the traps here, lovely sealed off quiet places with nice soft bogroll.
And a bowl that really displays the work ... been dumping big long logs that look like Indian Rock Pythons basking on the pan afterwards - pure pride as I look at the phuckers!!!

Feel kilos lighter as I glide back to my desk, how I have missed these on the job dumps!!

Gael23

Had to collect a stool sample this morning.

Unusual sort of experience

fussyonion

For any girls here, I have two words for you: period poos.

Hector Savage

Gael23 wrote: »

Had to collect a stool sample this morning.

Unusual sort of experience

Sorry what in the what now ???

Aglomerado

fussyonion wrote: »

For any girls here, I have two words for you: period poos.

The worst smell of all! And the farts!

EmmetSpiceland

fussyonion wrote: »

For any girls here, I have two words for you: period poos.

Aglomerado wrote: »

The worst smell of all! And the farts!

Without wanting to be to intrusive, or crude, what’s the “deal” there? Are we talking dryer, bigger, harder, scuttery, painful evac? Anything like that?

Hotblack Desiato

Gael23 wrote: »

Had to collect a stool sample this morning.

Unusual sort of experience

Whose was it?


Anyway, I'll give you all this tip for free: When on hold to tech support for the third time in the last week and still no fcuking internet, you may feel you can risk a trip to the can and still comfortably be 5th in the queue or whatever when you're all done. This just guarantees you'll jump to be the first in line in record time and you'll still be wiping (or worse) when they pick up.

Bobblehats

~

Aglomerado

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Without wanting to be to intrusive, or crude, what’s the “deal” there? Are we talking dryer, bigger, harder, scuttery, painful evac? Anything like that?

Scutter, the windy kind that sprays the bowl. Needs a bum gun full of Domestos afterwards.
Abandon any illusion of delicate fluffy lady toots.

Brendan Bendar

Left a girthy ‘club’ of dense shiny midden in the pot before a presentation this am.

Bang off the fcukker in the corridor after the event…..you could sew a button on it.

Freakin waft of onions and sauerkraut……little Magda was detailed to open all the windows and spray the area.

Lad from accounts reckoned she was tight as a moles eye.

Filthy kernt.

EmmetSpiceland

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Left a girthy ‘club’ of dense shiny midden in the pot before a presentation this am.

Bang off the fcukker in the corridor after the event…..you could sew a button on it.

Freakin waft of onions and sauerkraut……little Magda was detailed to open all the windows and spray the area.

Lad from accounts reckoned she was tight as a moles eye.

Filthy kernt.

Would you ever consider bringing a ‘Glade air freshener’ spray in the briefcase, B?

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Would you ever consider bringing a ‘Glade air freshener’ spray in the briefcase, B?

Good call Emmett, they have these ‘aerosol bombs’ they explode on airplanes on long haul flights that kill all the bugs riding along for free.

Might set off one or two of those in the dunny ?

Could knock out the flies that gather in the vicinity.

Either that or two liters of Jeyes Fluid down the pan.

Aglomerado

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Would you ever consider bringing a ‘Glade air freshener’ spray in the briefcase, B?

Those things just make the jax smell of lavender....and sh1t

Little emergency bottle of caustic soda to break down the bolus, and a box of matches to burn up the vapours.

No need for fancy solutions looking for a problem.

Hotblack Desiato

Amateur "toilet bowl chemistry" has been the ruination of many a man, ADP. Especially away from home where you don't know what reagents were placed there already.
You could end up recreating a WWI chlorine gas attack scenario (if the gases you've already expelled weren't bad enough)

jaffusmax

I once lay on the bed with my terrier dog sleeping by my bottom.

I farted.

He got up and walked to the landing.

He vomited then climbed back onto my bed.

True story and witnessed by my wife.

EmmetSpiceland

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Amateur "toilet bowl chemistry" has been the ruination of many a man, ADP. Especially away from home where you don't know what reagents were placed there already.
You could end up recreating a WWI chlorine gas attack scenario (if the gases you've already expelled weren't bad enough)

I hear what you’re saying, H, but I’m not sure anything other than the “nuclear” option is going to work for a man like Mr. Bendar while he’s away on important company “business”.

For anyone else I’d suggest nothing more than a small book of matches. In a real “pinch” you can burn toilet paper, or hair, to mask any serious airborne toxic “events”.

That’s all, you can store it easily about your person without anyone being any the wiser. If someone should spot them you can simply explain that you believe that it’s “sacrilege” to light a cigar with anything else. With a knowing wink, of course.

Aglomerado

jaffusmax wrote: »

I once lay on the bed with my terrier dog sleeping by my bottom.

I farted.

He got up and walked to the landing.

He vomited then climbed back onto my bed.

True story and witnessed by my wife.

Reminds me of a former work colleague who had a delicate stomach.
She was queuing for a nightclub in Limerick and a lad in front of her farted.
She immediately got sick,all over his shoes and trousers.
Revenge you say? Bouncers thought she'd had a skinful and wouldn't let her in. :pac:

Hotblack Desiato

Did the poor lad covered in her puke get in though?

(I presume you were there, I can't imagine she'd normally be relating over tea on Monday morning the full details of who she'd got sick on over the weekend, and why)

Although "delicate stomach" does sound perilously similar to the "must have got a bad pint" excuses. "Yeah, I have a bit of a delicate stomach (after ten pints.)" "Must've got a bad pint (think it was the 12th one.)"

adam88

Gael23 wrote: »

Had to collect a stool sample this morning.

Unusual sort of experience

The other half worked in a surgeons office and rang a patient for a stool sample. The patient was a hospital healthcare worker and they presumed that they’d know how to gather it or put it together. (A favour was called in so it all had to be done rush rush). You know those blood sample forms that they put the small blood bottles into, Piece of hard paper with all the writing and then a plastic pocket that you put the bottles into. Well the patient literally took a dump into that bag. Sealed it up and landed it into the secretary’s office. There was blue murder and she refused to work in the office until the cleaners were in and decontaminated everything. I was weak pmsl. Supposedly you were supposed to poop into a sterile container, then scoop some out and put it into another smaller container and then put it into the bag. Not literally **** into the bag

Gael23

Hector Savage wrote: »

Sorry what in the what now ???

Drop a log and use a disposable spoon to put a piece in a tube for laboratory analysis.