What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

[Deleted User] wrote: »

My missus ordered the Diavola pizza from our local wood fired place last night. I'd consumed 10 cans of Guinness the night before, alongside a large bag of garlic pork scratchings. My hoop is like that Icelandic volcano today. No live webcam obviously, but squirting out liquid hot magma at an alarming rate.

I’ve only ever had a dose of “pizzarrhoea” after those types of pizza. You never get it from margaritas, ham and pineapple or other, meat based, ones.

Awful “experience” having spicy hot oil píssing out your ass. Hope you’re alright now, ADP.

EmmetSpiceland

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve only ever had a dose of “pizzarrhoea” after those types of pizza. You never get it from margaritas, ham and pineapple or other, meat based, ones.

Awful “experience” having spicy hot oil píssing out your ass. Hope you’re alright now, ADP.

Thanks for your concern, ES. I've no issue with extremely spicy food, but there's something about spicy pizza that causes havoc. All the better now for it. Lots of bran, grapes, and oats for breakfast seems to be working well.



Certainly not suffering from any bezoars. Not something you could say about some of the regulars in the CA forum. Very 'bound up' individuals.

Hotblack Desiato

Aglomerado wrote: »

https://www.theguardian.com/society/shortcuts/2021/feb/24/what-a-dump-why-wild-toileting-has-become-a-big-pandemic-problem?
Lovely f- article here about alfresco pooing in Great Shítain. For the perusal of the denizens of this thread while enjoying your Saturday morning poo.

Some great comments there, reminiscent of some of the best posts here.

stevej061069
24 Feb 2021 17:35

I was almost caught out on a walk round the local reservoirs a few years back.
I had to walk (in fact it was more of a pained shuffle) exercising all the control I could muster, in quite significant discomfort and at times genuine pain, to the nearest pub. I could not contemplate the possibility of it being closed; my absolute focus was on getting there without my bowels exploding which is what it felt like was going to happen. The pub was an agonising 20 minutes away. It was open. I made it and almost cried with relief as I sat down. So relieved was I that it didn't even cross my mind to check to see if there was anyone in the adjacent cubicle. It did not even enter my head.
A horrendous release of pressure was then followed by gloriously blissful relief.
The pint that followed was arguably the best I have ever consumed.
I travelled to a very dark place during that journey. It's during such moments that you learn valuable lessons about yourself.


FiveLeavesLeft
24 Feb 2021 19:04

They'll be calling you Steve Jobs soon.


Moscow_Rules
24 Feb 2021 19:08

It's a touching story.

TheConvenanter
24 Feb 2021 19:32

Amidst all the sniggers, I have to admit this is a very serious issue. On my way to an appointment, I was badly caught short on a very long high street (even though I'd emptied my bladder just before leaving my flat) and because all the shops and cafes I came across were either shut or didn't have loos, I was getting very desperate as I inched my way along the road as a man with a bloated bladder would. Visions of my kidneys bursting one by one filled my increasingly hazy view before it cleared to reveal a petrol station with an appended service station which thankfully had a loo. Of course, I had to wait for about 5mins whilst the occupant (a long haul driver) emptied his bowels explosively in the only toilet offered by the place but the sweet relief I enjoyed as I freed my sphincter and eased the painful strain in my bladder was enough to compensate for the visible and olfactory damage the previous occupant had left behind.

But back to my point, I seriously believe I would have had to relieve myself publicly in the street in front of passersby if I hadn't happened upon the petrol station. It really was that pressing!

Hotblack Desiato

Also I used to work with a guy whose previous job had him on the road all day. He said the job itself was OK but the reason he left it to go back to an office job was because of having to shít in horrible pub toilets and the like. You can't exactly rock up to your client's and ask them if they mind if you drop a massive log in their jacks now can you?

EmmetSpiceland

Haven’t “slopped out” since Wednesday night/Thursday morning. Was a difficult passing. Fair bit of huff with a little more puff. Was doing that rocking motion when you’re really trying to force the “issue”.

Not sure if I blew a “fuse”, or what, but I suffered a mild bout of defecation syncope. I think. Was late at night and just overdid it. Nothing to worry about, better to have a prolapse of the head than the arse, as they say.

Anyway, haven’t gone since but every so often I’m releasing those very small, yet very potent, amounts of gas. You know the sort, the “type” that even bothers you. Very bad altogether, I’m putting the blame at the chickpeas, again.

I might check the press to see if there are any seaweed rolls left over from that time we made veggie sushi. I’ve heard it works for cutting “emissions” in cows so worth a shot.

If this continues past Saturday I’ll have to hit the pears again. Maybe with a couple of kiwis. The dog can only take so much blame.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Haven’t “slopped out” since Wednesday night/Thursday morning. Was a difficult passing. Fair bit of huff with a little more puff. Was doing that rocking motion when you’re really trying to force the “issue”.

Not sure if I blew a “fuse”, or what, but I suffered a mild bout of defecation syncope. I think. Was late at night and just overdid it. Nothing to worry about, better to have a prolapse of the head than the arse, as they say.

Anyway, haven’t gone since but every so often I’m releasing those very small, yet very potent, amounts of gas. You know the sort, the “type” that even bothers you. Very bad altogether, I’m putting the blame at the chickpeas, again.

I might check the press to see if there are any seaweed rolls left over from that time we made veggie sushi. I’ve heard it works for cutting “emissions” in cows so worth a shot.

If this continues past Saturday I’ll have to hit the pears again. Maybe with a couple of kiwis. The dog can only take so much blame.

Kiwis the lads E.

Had a slab of the fcukers ‘ripening’ on the window of the ‘good room’ and was as usual watching an episode of Heartbeat around 20 hrs recently.

Bit of a stir in the pipes, so injested four nice ripe lads dabbed in castor suicre and waited for ‘events’


0600 hours next day, waddled to the heavy duty dunny, swiveled into ‘the position’ and hosed a thin stream of dark green runnell into the pot.


Sprayed sour gouts of knobby porridge afterwards, emptied the pipes big time.

Cannot beat the kiwi to loosen the dirt bag and evacuate the bilge pipes.

Like shifting that fcuking Ever Given outa the Suez.

Slideways

Got on the psyllium husk supplement this week. Have been producing the most perfecto poos

Last nights effort reminded me of the Walrus down in Kerry. Similar in size and shape and it was lounging around with a fair whack of it out of the water.
Despite the girth and volume it exits so smoothly that the clean up is barely a formality.

Slideways

Slideways wrote: »

Got on the psyllium husk supplement this week. Have been producing the most perfecto poos

Last nights effort reminded me of the Walrus down in Kerry. Similar in size and shape and it was lounging around with a fair whack of it out of the water.
Despite the girth and volume it exits so smoothly that the clean up is barely a formality.

Sounds like you are close to carrying off what they know in racing circles as a 'winner, all white'. The Phantom. Don't want to jinx it, but billions of people have gone through life never experiencing it at all.

poisonated

That reminds me of the time when I was using a toilet in the restroom and some Chinese fellow(I could hear him talk on the phone) shat his underwear in the cubicle beside me and took them off and they ended up in my cubicle. Strange time!

Brendan Bendar

poisonated wrote: »

That reminds me of the time when I was using a toilet in the restroom and some Chinese fellow(I could hear him talk on the phone) shat his underwear in the cubicle beside me and took them off and they ended up in my cubicle. Strange time!

Filthy kernt.

Gael23

Do you all evacuate your waste matter first th8ng when you wake in the morning?

Schwiiing

Gael23 wrote: »

Do you all evacuate your waste matter first th8ng when you wake in the morning?

Sadly, I'm an evening evacuator. 7pm bang on the dot. The Emmerdale theme tune has a terrible effect on me.

EmmetSpiceland

Gael23 wrote: »

Do you all evacuate your waste matter first th8ng when you wake in the morning?

I’m usually a 10/10:30am man. Prefer to be “on the clock” when bunting one out.

In the last year, or so, I’ve been afflicted with a drastic addition to my poocadian rhythm and I’m cursed with dumping around 11:30pm, which means I’m heading to bed with a case of “hot hole”.

Not a great start to getting a good night’s sleep. Takes awhile to “relax”. I’ll usually throw on a mindfulness sleep meditation to send me to sleep. Works well enough but it’s not ideal.

EmmetSpiceland

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

In the last year, or so, I’ve been afflicted with a drastic addition to my poocadian rhythm and I’m cursed with dumping around 11:30pm, which means I’m heading to bed with a case of “hot hole”.

Jesus but the clocks changing has done me no favours. A very dry “deposit”.

Hector Savage

Back in the office, christened the jacks with a nice load of midden this morning, toilet was almost dry , think it's been used twice since last March, the poor phucker almost looked hungry for shigt .... happy to oblige ...

Brendan Bendar

Hector Savage wrote: »

Back in the office, christened the jacks with a nice load of midden this morning, toilet was almost dry , think it's been used twice since last March, the poor phucker almost looked hungry for shigt .... happy to oblige ...

Hmmmm........

Hope you followed the correct procedure.

Left a languid log draped along the top of the slow closer.

Slumped over the back of the lid and stinking like pure fcuk

Don’t feed the fcuker, that’s no use, no water dude, let her dry and and stink the gaff out and need a prod of a Biro and a tip of a shoe to shift off the premises.

Samsgirl

https://m.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/how-to-poop-properly-and-why-you-may-have-been-doing-it-wrong-all-along-40248851.html?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=seeding

How to poop properly

You the man

Samsgirl wrote: »

https://m.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/how-to-poop-properly-and-why-you-may-have-been-doing-it-wrong-all-along-40248851.html?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=seeding

How to poop properly

No need for a squatty potty here..

Hector Savage

Christ, since when did an Irish newspaper use the term "poop" ...

Hotblack Desiato

That pair are experts on shít alright, given the crap they serve up!

Their cafe near me closed down (before Covid) their prices were off the wall.

mfceiling

You the man wrote: »

No need for a squatty potty here..

Those pair of twats would give you the shíts looking at them.

Slideways

Had a unmerciful urge to drop anchor today during a safety presentation at work.
Was sitting ramrod straight in the chair and I swear others could smell the clutch slipping.

Eventually had to excuse myself and went for the throne.

Jocks down and arse touched a rather tatty seat. And nothing. The pressure was there but nothing.

What followed next instantly reminded me of the wildebeest crossing the croc infested Massai Mara river. All nervously perched on the high river bank before one finally breaks ranks and darts down towards the choc milk river. Once one goes there comes a never ending barrage into the water.

It was unnerving how long it went on for. And then the paperwork. Nada, zilch. Could have put the sheet back for someone else to use.

Back into the safety meeting with a pep in my set after lightening the load on my feet.

Enjoy the day lads

Slideways

Slideways wrote: »

Could have put the sheet back for someone else to use.

Careful, Duncan Stewart.

Hotblack Desiato

Was feeling heavy in the guts Monday night, knew a big load was in preparation but at least avoided the pre-bedtime dump, would have unsettled me altogether. Had a few stouts over the weekend and was not in the mood for a major clean up operation.

Yesterday morning had no bother holding off until a civilised 11am, bunted out an impressively lengthy baton with ease and hardly any wipeage required.

Made my day.

Nevin Parsnipp

Great to see the amount of successful sh1tes being carried out....thr minimal failure rate is very encouraging.

Speaking of myself I shunted out a greasy stick of lite coloured midden this a.m.

To be honest got a bit of a shock at the colour...bit like a young nun's sh1te.....and far removed from the usual burnt ochre that I generally achieve.

However on closer inspection of the noble baton I clocked that she was liberally studded with masticated cashew nutz.

Came back to me then that I had injested a large bag of cashews while watching the footie the previous evening.

A glance at my favourite chair ...surrounded by empty cans and covered in various kinds of "crumble" confirmed that a serious session had indeed taken place.

This could account for the light colour and greasy glitter on the morning log which had me so concerned.

Will keep the forum posted on the colourings of future offerings as I am sure it will be of interest.

Thank you in advance for your concern...............

You the man

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Was feeling heavy in the guts Monday night, knew a big load was in preparation but at least avoided the pre-bedtime dump, would have unsettled me altogether. Had a few stouts over the weekend and was not in the mood for a major clean up operation.

Yesterday morning had no bother holding off until a civilised 11am, bunted out an impressively lengthy baton with ease and hardly any wipeage required.

Made my day.

By gawd, that type of return would make you beam from cheek to cheek with delight.

partyguinness

Training is being ramped up at the moment so got to get the finger out with diet etc and shed the few extra pounds.

Back on the pecan and walnuts on the hipster breakfast every morning..oh and the chia seeds. Followed by a large mug of black filter coffee on the commute.

By the time I land at work I am goose stepping up the stairs and running a 60 page document through the photocopier to drown out the sounds.

The hot piping is tremendous. Like a cement truck onsite dumping a load into freshly dug footings. Smooth, consistent and done in 4-5 seconds. Honestly I can unload quicker than most people piss. Highlight of my day truth be told.

What’s the etiquette on announcing you are going for a sh1t while using Zoom or Microsoft Teams???

When I was based in the office I always made a point of letting my colleagues know I was heading off to the can to ‘make room for the lunch’. You could set your watch to me standing up, picking up The Racing Post, and making an announcement about my intention to drop an arse anchor in Brown Water Bay.

Just doesn’t feel right doing the same when using video conferencing software. Usually just go on mute, turn off the camera and bring the laptop into the sh1tter.

partyguinness

Deleted User wrote: »

What’s the etiquette on announcing you are going for a sh1t while using Zoom or Microsoft Teams???

When I was based in the office I always made a point of letting my colleagues know I was heading off to the can to ‘make room for the lunch’. You could set your watch to me standing up, picking up The Racing Post, and making an announcement about my intention to drop an arse anchor in Brown Water Bay.

Just doesn’t feel right doing the same when using video conferencing software. Usually just go on mute, turn off the camera and bring the laptop into the sh1tter.

A key question: are the other participants in this Zoom meeting expected to wait while you take care of business?

EmmetSpiceland

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Usually just go on mute, turn off the camera and bring the laptop into the sh1tter.

Playing a very dangerous game there, ADP. As some geek once said during a, very boring, “talk” on IT security: “you need to manage your risks”.

Bringing the laptop into the toilet could have you “going viral” in the most unflattering of situations. A slip of the mind, clicking the wrong button or an improbably “glitch” could have all of your colleagues watching on in horror as you grunt and wheeze out a King Kong’s finger.

Best “tape up” the camera just to be sure. If it’s just the audio there’s less chance of your toileting being “forwarded many times” on WhatsApp.

Manage your risks, ADP. Manage your risks.