One-Liner Jokes

everlast75 · 31-03-2021 9:00pm

All GAA refs to be vaccinated this week. Heard it from a whistleblower

MonkieSocks · 01-04-2021 7:03pm

Clown divorces always end in lengthy custardy battles

Capt'n Midnight · 02-04-2021 1:00am

MonkieSocks wrote: »

If you chat up a sprinter, does that mean you're trying to pull a fast one?

Maybe a cheetah ?

MonkieSocks · 02-04-2021 7:59pm

The secret to being smart is knowing when to play dumb.

saabsaab · 02-04-2021 8:24pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Maybe a cheetah ?

A Lion Cheetah! Like a country music song.

gormdubhgorm · 02-04-2021 9:02pm

The difference between men and women.
Women can't keep secrets, men can. Men can't hold in a fart, women can.
If you want a woman to keep a secret, whisper it up her arse.

(Billy Connolly)

--

I know it is not strictly a one liner - too funny not to mention.

saabsaab · 02-04-2021 9:36pm

After the honeymoon I felt like a new man. My wife felt the same!

Capt'n Midnight · 02-04-2021 9:52pm

saabsaab wrote: »

A Lion Cheetah! Like a country music song.

Hard to hide. They are always spotted

saabsaab · 02-04-2021 10:12pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Hard to hide. They are always spotted

'You're Lyin and cheetin you devil you
I can't believe, my love was true
My heart is broke like a deserted Zoo
all since you said that we are thro'

Rotting Carrot · 05-04-2021 11:29am

Just yesterday at work, this fella was standing in front of the doorway (double doors). He was talking to someone else standing elsewhere. I was coming from the other side, and both doors were closed, but I could see through the glass of the door. I presume he just stopped for a quick chat before going through the doors,. His back was turned, but I could see that if he didn't move that I'd be able to pass through easily without bumping the door into him. It was one of those moments where you'd be unsure as to whether you should make you're presence known or not. Anyway, I couldn't have been bothered! So as I passed through he turned to see what was passing, and as I walked on I heard him say "you gave me a fright". With my back turned I replied "I meant to"!

MonkieSocks · 05-04-2021 5:46pm

The guy who invented anagrams passed away today, may he erect a penis.

trashcan · 05-04-2021 6:28pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The guy who invented anagrams passed away today, may he erect a penis.

The man who invented predictive text has also passed away. May he rust in piss.

greenspurs · 06-04-2021 9:05am

Rotting Carrot wrote: »

Just yesterday at work, this fella was standing in front of the doorway (double doors). He was talking to someone else standing elsewhere. I was coming from the other side, and both doors were closed, but I could see through the glass of the door. I presume he just stopped for a quick chat before going through the doors,. His back was turned, but I could see that if he didn't move that I'd be able to pass through easily without bumping the door into him. It was one of those moments where you'd be unsure as to whether you should make you're presence known or not. Anyway, I couldn't have been bothered! So as I passed through he turned to see what was passing, and as I walked on I heard him say "you gave me a fright". With my back turned I replied "I meant to"!

One liner ??
And is that a joke ??

chooseusername · 06-04-2021 9:21am

That Spooner was a smart feller

boardz · 06-04-2021 12:32pm

Describe yourself in 3 words. Me: Lazy

MonkieSocks · 06-04-2021 6:56pm

Why do stray cows return to hemp fields?

it's the pot calling the cattle back

saabsaab · 07-04-2021 7:09pm

It a very hot day and Jane is doing painting inside her house so totally strips off The doorbell rings and a voice calls out 'Blind man here!' She hesitates but thinks he's blind and opens the door. He looks at her and says Oh! I was wondering where you wanted me to hang them!

MonkieSocks · 07-04-2021 7:10pm

As a kid my parents could only afford a second hand calculator which was missing the X button. Times were hard

MonkieSocks · 09-04-2021 12:30am

I just got kicked out of the flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 2m social distancing rule had pushed anyone over the edge yet!

MonkieSocks · 09-04-2021 5:04pm

My body has absorbed so much hand sanitizer that now when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

saabsaab · 09-04-2021 5:08pm

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? Can't remember his forecasts.

MonkieSocks · 10-04-2021 5:58pm

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...... they are calling them "parallelograms"

MonkieSocks · 13-04-2021 10:50pm

My missus asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled and I told her I think most kids smell that way.

MonkieSocks · 14-04-2021 5:54pm

I’m making a coat out of pancakes, I call it my flapjacket

MonkieSocks · 15-04-2021 5:47pm

The Black Eyed peas can sing us a tune, but the Chick Peas can hummus one.

MonkieSocks · 19-04-2021 10:10pm

Before she died Marie Curie looked more radiant everyday.

trashcan · 19-04-2021 10:14pm

I used to date a parachutist with IBS, but she shat on me from a great height.

My grief counsellor died the other day, luckily, he was so good I couldn’t give a ****.

saabsaab · 19-04-2021 10:46pm

I told my Doctor that I was feeling like a sheep. He said 'Are ewe serious'

Capt'n Midnight · 19-04-2021 11:45pm

For sale bargain parachute, no strings attached.

RobbingBandit · 19-04-2021 11:52pm

I hate online dating, Stupid American calender format

One-Liner Jokes

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