The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

daretodream · 11-12-2020 12:48am

Bought a pack of those Animal Biscuits but had to return them to the shop... Why?

The Seal was broken.

everlast75 · 11-12-2020 1:05am

A couple were at the door just now, trying to convert me to the use of a natural moisturiser for hair and skin from the oil of a seed.

I think they were Jojoba's Witnesses.

bonzodog2 · 11-12-2020 10:38am

A priest a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says "I think that I might be a type O'.

The Princess Bride · 11-12-2020 1:03pm

Bought my mam a tin of Celebrations for Christmas.
For a laugh, I've swapped all the wrappers around.

Wait til she opens them, she'll get her snickers in a twix!

The Princess Bride · 12-12-2020 3:19pm

I once went to a fancy dress party as a harp.
Someone said, "you're not a harp, you're way too small!"
I replied, "are you calling me a lyre?"

Ted_YNWA · 12-12-2020 7:48pm

Roger Moore has a gritter for his driveway that he uses in bad weather and never shares.

It is For his Ice Only.

Capt'n Midnight · 12-12-2020 9:55pm

One of the best names of the Scottish gritters.

Spready Mercury.

The Princess Bride · 13-12-2020 12:40am

Earlier this evening, I got knocked off my bike by a council lorry preparing the road for cold weather.
"Why don't you look where you're going?" I shouted through gritted teeth.

The Princess Bride · 13-12-2020 12:47am

I used to sit next to Slade's Noddy Holder at school.
The teacher was forever catching him eating snacks.

One day, she snapped at him and shouted, "Noddy, what are you eating now?"

Noddy replied, " IT'S CRISPS MISSSSSS!!!"

Capt'n Midnight · 13-12-2020 8:53pm

N V B K I T H E K L O P F 
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F 
T H E E F G H J I O L P L 
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H X
H A S J P O D I E D G W U

Hagar7 · 14-12-2020 5:14pm

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! ! Dead Penguins - I never knew this.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: scroll down "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, . I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! Oh quit whining I fell for it, too

14-12-2020 5:56pm

"This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have £300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3000. “Well please let me have £3000 now.” The teller kindly handed £3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill."

everlast75 · 15-12-2020 1:04am

DID YOU KNOW...

David Bowie bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas.

Not any old pom pom, though -

A proper pom pom.

Heighway61 · 16-12-2020 3:39pm

The inventor of the umbrella was going to call it the brella, but hesitated.

Heighway61 · 16-12-2020 3:40pm

I have two boys, 5 & 6. I'm terrible with names.

TheBody · 16-12-2020 4:33pm

The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together.

waynescales1 · 16-12-2020 6:37pm

Heighway61 wrote: »

I have two boys, 5 & 6. I'm terrible with names.

Capt'n Midnight · 16-12-2020 8:54pm

My wife’s recently left me because of my overbearing insecurity issues.

No, wait!

She’s back.

She just went to the kitchen to get a cup of tea.

New Home · 16-12-2020 11:19pm

She might go out to buy cigarettes, soon. But don't worry...

castletownman · 17-12-2020 1:10pm

My neighbour told me I am a bit of a looker.

Well "peeping Tom" was the actual phrase she used, but I know what she meant.

Allinall · 17-12-2020 1:14pm

Deleted User wrote: »

"This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have £300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3000. “Well please let me have £3000 now.” The teller kindly handed £3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill."

I was at an ATM the other night, and a little old lady asked if I could help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Witchie · 17-12-2020 8:01pm

Did you hear about the kinky woodworm?

He ate the drawers of the dresser.

M.T. Cranium · 18-12-2020 2:22am

I went to the Bill Gates mansion and broke all the windows.

How does that make you feel, big guy?

everlast75 · 18-12-2020 8:20am

It is the anniversary of the death of the creator of "the Heimlich maneuver", Henry Heimlich.

Sorry to bring it up, but it's what he would have wanted..

Hagar7 · 18-12-2020 4:24pm

donegaLroad wrote: »

Irish man decides to visit Romania, and on his first evening there he meets a nice looking girl in the local. After a couple of hours and a few drinks, he asks her does she want to spend the night with him in his hotel room for €200.

She agrees and goes back to the hotel, they do the business and he gives her €200.

They agree to meet again the following night at the bar, and the same arrangement, back to the hotel and stay the night with him for €200.

And again, they meet on the 3rd night, back to the hotel, have a bit of a ride, €200.

As they are lying there in the bed, she asks him where in Ireland he is from, to which he replies Donegal..

'oh..' she says 'thats funny, I have a sister living there..'

'I know..' he said 'before I came over she gave me €600 and asked me to give it to you'

What a stupid idiot,if he used his loaf he should have offered her a Euro,600 rides,superb,

frag420 · 18-12-2020 4:27pm

Hagar7 wrote: »

What a stupid idiot,if he used his loaf he should have offered her a Euro,600 rides,superb,

He’s from Donegal, not Cavan!!

tayto lover · 18-12-2020 4:39pm

frag420 wrote: »

He’s from Donegal, not Cavan!!

How was copper wire invented?

Two Cavan lads fighting over a penny.

( A Cavan lad told me that joke )

Capt'n Midnight · 19-12-2020 1:26pm

Microsoft have released a festive advent calendar this Christmas.

No chocolates. Just a load of updates every time you open windows.

RobMc59 · 19-12-2020 3:38pm

If you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse,

Chris Rea's car failed it's NCT..

upupup · 19-12-2020 5:29pm

RobMc59 wrote: »

If you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse,

Chris Rea's car failed it's NCT..

It failed because he left his sister Dia drive it.

blade1 · 19-12-2020 5:37pm

RobMc59 wrote: »

If you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse,

Chris Rea's car failed it's NCT..

Time for him to really cash in and re-release his song "Road to Hell"

Capt'n Midnight · 19-12-2020 8:46pm

RobMc59 wrote: »

If you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse,

Chris Rea's car failed it's NCT..

In reality

https://twitter.com/mrnickharvey/status/1340339236558520320?s=19

Nodster · 19-12-2020 11:39pm

Nothing but repeats on RTE
Just watched Dublin win the All Ireland again

The Princess Bride · 20-12-2020 4:45pm

Yesterday I visited The National Helium museum.
Had a fantastic time, I really can't speak highly enough about the place.

RobMc59 · 20-12-2020 4:46pm

I can't wait for tier 6 when they tell us we can't even look out of the window..

Capt'n Midnight · 20-12-2020 5:48pm

Only 371 more days til Christmas folks..

everlast75 · 22-12-2020 7:59am

The inventor of the snooze button has died.

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

22-12-2020 12:28pm

I went to the paint shop to get thinner,

It didn't work!

Capt'n Midnight · 23-12-2020 12:16am

My pet goldfish has epilepsy

He seems to get better when I put him back in his bowl, though.

joeguevara · 23-12-2020 5:55am

Some stretch in the evenings lads.

New Home · 23-12-2020 3:54pm

Too soon.

Hagar7 · 23-12-2020 10:51pm

The answer is always NO.

How many times do folk say 'I slept like a log last night.'
Quite a lot i guess.
So here's the point.....Have you ever heard of a log snoring?
Have you ever seen a log pulling up the covers?
Have you ever heard a log asking for its conjugal rights?
Have you ever seen a log go for a pee in the middle of the night?
Have you ever heard a log talk in its sleep?
Zzzzzzzz.nite everyone.

24-12-2020 2:35am

Just be sure not to wake up with a log in the bed!

everlast75 · 24-12-2020 9:37pm

Guys, just wanted to take a minute to wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy year, most of all good health! These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family, they just copy and paste some random message and send it on. So after all we've been though together this year I want to thank you for your friendship and wish you a happy and fulfilling 2018 - you’re the best gymnastics group anyone could ask for. Best wishes, Helen

everlast75 · 25-12-2020 1:45am

Two men walking through the desert.

Desperate for a drink of water, get to the top of a dune and see a Bedouin market in the next valley.

Overjoyed, they run down to the market and approach the nearest stallholder to ask him for some water.

"Sorry", he says, "I don't have any water, Only custard, jelly or sponge cake".

Frustrated, they try the next stall.

And the next, and the next one after that.

Every stallholder just says the same thing, "sorry, I only have jelly, sponge cake or custard".

Getting more and more thirsty, they leave the market and continue their search for water.

"That was very strange, back there" says the first man to his friend.

"I agree", says his friend, "it was a trifle bazaar".

The Princess Bride · 30-12-2020 7:35pm

I thought I heard "Tubular Bells" on my farm yesterday, but it was just
my cold field.

The Princess Bride · 30-12-2020 7:37pm

My new year's resolution is to stop using spray deodorants.
Roll on 2021.

silliussoddius · 30-12-2020 8:16pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Only 371 more days til Christmas folks..

Or 1,200 sleeps if you're in Spain.

GBX · 30-12-2020 11:50pm

Spotted an Albino Dalmatian today .... Twas the least I could do for him.

RobMc59 · 31-12-2020 10:44am

I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room New years eve...I might not even go.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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