The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

I can't tell you how long I've been in this clock repair shop for.

The Princess Bride

I'm singing my own version of the Band Aid song, Duvet Know it's Christmas.
It's a cover.

upupup

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Once upon a time, there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

before he became king,he was a foot soldier

Capt'n Midnight

The snow was falling all around me and there were children playing having fun.

Then I slipped and broke my pelvis.

That's when I knew I was on Shaky ground

Heighway61

It was -10 out and and the heating was broken so I stood in the corner and warmed up nicely. The corner is 90°.

upupup

Jokes from the android in Raised by wolves.easy one first.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Punch.
Punch who?
Punch line,but I must warn you I am a bit of a disappointment.

And the android joke made for geniuses.
A malfunctioning android, a Cleric, and a cat walk into a brothel.
The malfunctioning android requests an android whore with mechanical skills. The Cleric requests a virgin with the knowledge of the Mithraic mysteries.
But the cat... the cat can't decide what to ask for, so he turns to the malfunctioning android and the Cleric and asks for suggestions.
The Cleric turns to the malfunctioning android and says, "How is it a cat can speak?" To which the malfunctioning android turns and says, "I am malfunctioning. None of this is actually happening. The cat doesn't exist, and neither do you."
To which the Cleric then says, "Thank goodness. For a minute there, I thought I was losing my mind."

Capt'n Midnight

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

Capt'n Midnight

An Alien walks into a bar.

The landlord asks "Pint of Carlsberg ?"

"No thanks," says the Alien "I'm into Stella."

Capt'n Midnight

Juventus weren't worried about Ronaldo catching the Coronavirus as they knew there was no chance of him passing it to a teammate.

everlast75

What do you call a dublin woman who works in a tanning salon?

Tanya.

auspicious

I was standing in the park today wondering why a frisbee gets larger the closer it gets to you.
Then it hit me.

auspicious

In school the other kids used to push me and call me lazy.
I loved that wheelchair.

auspicious

So what if I can't spell armageddon.
It's not the end of the world.

auspicious

I was a kid and my dad used to hit me with a camera.
I still have flashbacks.

auspicious

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

auspicious

My girlfriend thinks I'm afraid of commitment...well she's not my girlfriend.
My wife hates that joke. I say wife...

everlast75

I've asked for Bonnie Tyler's new cardiology video for Christmas.

It's totally clips of the heart.

The Princess Bride

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

The Princess Bride

I bought a nylon top yesterday, but it kept giving me electric shocks as it was full of static.
I returned it to the shop today and they gave me a replacement, free of charge.

daretodream

Why didn't Mary and Joseph go to the Virtual Christmas Party?

There was no zoom at the Inn.

daretodream

Bought a pack of those Animal Biscuits but had to return them to the shop... Why?

The Seal was broken.

everlast75

A couple were at the door just now, trying to convert me to the use of a natural moisturiser for hair and skin from the oil of a seed.

I think they were Jojoba's Witnesses.

bonzodog2

A priest a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says "I think that I might be a type O'.

The Princess Bride

Bought my mam a tin of Celebrations for Christmas.
For a laugh, I've swapped all the wrappers around.

Wait til she opens them, she'll get her snickers in a twix!

The Princess Bride

I once went to a fancy dress party as a harp.
Someone said, "you're not a harp, you're way too small!"
I replied, "are you calling me a lyre?"

Ted_YNWA

Roger Moore has a gritter for his driveway that he uses in bad weather and never shares.

It is For his Ice Only.

Capt'n Midnight

One of the best names of the Scottish gritters.

Spready Mercury.

The Princess Bride

Earlier this evening, I got knocked off my bike by a council lorry preparing the road for cold weather.
"Why don't you look where you're going?" I shouted through gritted teeth.

The Princess Bride

I used to sit next to Slade's Noddy Holder at school.
The teacher was forever catching him eating snacks.

One day, she snapped at him and shouted, "Noddy, what are you eating now?"

Noddy replied, " IT'S CRISPS MISSSSSS!!!"

Capt'n Midnight

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