What's the etiquette here??

Aglomerado · 24-06-2020 8:36pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Reminds me of a chap I worked with back in the day who swore blind that the regular insertion of a candle up his rectum was a huge aid to ensuring smooth exits.

Was the candle lit, or ....? I've only one of those four wick ones from the Kilkenny shop in my place I think I'll pass...

Brendan Bendar · 24-06-2020 8:42pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

Was the candle lit, or ....? I've only one of those four wick ones from the Kilkenny shop in my place I think I'll pass...

Just fire up one wick......soften her up like ?

Nevin Parsnipp · 24-06-2020 10:30pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Fr. Bernard Devereaux down Camolin way?

Paschal Candle?

Not that bum boy was it?

Not far orf the mark there B...Devorix was a wrong un...sheen o grease down the front of the soutane .

Right nest o fagg0try down there .....rumour has it the the Canon ...Fr.Thady Kinsella walked around with a shotgun cartridge up his hoop.....

Filthy kernts ....

JohnnyFlash · 24-06-2020 10:44pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Not far orf the mark there B...Devorix was a wrong un...sheen o grease down the front of the soutane .

Right nest o fagg0try down there .....rumour has it the the Canon ...Fr.Thady Kinsella walked around with a shotgun cartridge up his hoop.....

Filthy kernts ....

You on the devil's buttermilk, Nevin?

Nevin Parsnipp · 24-06-2020 10:59pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You on the devil's buttermilk, Nevin?

Just sippin a few cans o cider dude ..arter a successful visit to the golf course !

Brendan Bendar · 24-06-2020 11:28pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Not far orf the mark there B...Devorix was a wrong un...sheen o grease down the front of the soutane .

Right nest o fagg0try down there .....rumour has it the the Canon ...Fr.Thady Kinsella walked around with a shotgun cartridge up his hoop.....

Filthy kernts ....

Aah ‘Rimshot Kinsella’ heard o’ the lad.

Sat on a nail and took half his hoop out.

On a fcuking drawstring now, I believe.

JohnnyFlash · 24-06-2020 11:30pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Just sippin a few cans o cider dude ..arter a successful visit to the golf course !

Heard there was a load of taxi cabs parked up outside Corballis this morning alright.

Lewis_Benson · 24-06-2020 11:53pm

Lads,
I've moved to the countryside, so no more sending the "package" to the waterworks down town.
The payload will be delivered to the septic tank down the garden, pity the poor phucker who has to deal with that.

Class MayDresser · 25-06-2020 12:25am

You'll be forking out plenty green ones to get rid of your own deposits from now on Lewis, some greasy skinny young lad on his old man's tractor and muckweapon riding you for a few hundred notes every econd year.

Enjoy them, make the most of em. And take it handy on the bog roll.

Hotblack Desiato · 25-06-2020 1:02am

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Just sippin a few cans o cider dude ..arter a successful visit to the golf course !

Did you shyte a hole-in-one into the cup on the 18th?

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Reminds me of a chap I worked with back in the day who swore blind that the regular insertion of a candle up his rectum was a huge aid to ensuring smooth exits.

A staple of workplace coffee table conversation if there ever was one. "What have you stuck up your arse lately" or "What do you do to ensure optimum bowel movements"

Not. Well, not in my experience, anyway.

Slideways · 25-06-2020 5:19am

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Lads,
I've moved to the countryside, so no more sending the "package" to the waterworks down town.
The payload will be delivered to the septic tank down the garden, pity the poor phucker who has to deal with that.

Class MayDresser wrote: »

You'll be forking out plenty green ones to get rid of your own deposits from now on Lewis, some greasy skinny young lad on his old man's tractor and muckweapon riding you for a few hundred notes every econd year.

Enjoy them, make the most of em. And take it handy on the bog roll.

Not at all, not at all. What ya want to do is keep an eye out for a dead badger or a fox on the side of the road. Failing that introduce the neighbours cat to the derby shovel. Let them ferment for a few days, the maggots need to take hold. Once they are basically moving again under their own steam, tip the whole thing into the tank. Them blow flies will be muching down on your Richard III's in no time.

JohnnyFlash · 25-06-2020 11:18am

Slideways wrote: »

Not at all, not at all. What ya want to do is keep an eye out for a dead badger or a fox on the side of the road. Failing that introduce the neighbours cat to the derby shovel. Let them ferment for a few days, the maggots need to take hold. Once they are basically moving again under their own steam, tip the whole thing into the tank. Them blow flies will be muching down on your Richard III's in no time.

A bag of unwanted kittens often went into the septic tank in rural homes where sentimentality wasn't a big thing.

sligojoek · 25-06-2020 11:33am

Slideways wrote: »

Not at all, not at all. What ya want to do is keep an eye out for a dead badger or a fox on the side of the road. Failing that introduce the neighbours cat to the derby shovel. Let them ferment for a few days, the maggots need to take hold. Once they are basically moving again under their own steam, tip the whole thing into the tank. Them blow flies will be muching down on your Richard III's in no time.

Also a great tip to get the compost heap "cookin".

Lewis_Benson · 25-06-2020 2:56pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

A bag of unwanted kittens often went into the septic tank in rural homes where sentimentality wasn't a big thing.

Terrible carry on altogether.

Lewis_Benson · 25-06-2020 2:56pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

A bag of unwanted kittens often went into the septic tank in rural homes where sentimentality wasn't a big thing.

Terrible carry on altogether.

Nevin Parsnipp · 25-06-2020 10:41pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Did you shyte a hole-in-one into the cup on the 18th?

Eh ??

Settle there laddie will you ?

Wouldn't do any such thing.....too near the clubhouse .

Mind you I missed a short uphill putt on the 14th and was sorely tempted to blow a ripe buttery lad into the cup.!

There is a lovely little copse of dense trees to the side of the eight fairway...I had occasion to shift a heavy chubb of very noxious midden in there once ...found a nice shiny Pro V1 ball in there with a big chunk missing ...put the ball damaged bit down into the shyte .....

Checked it out a few days later ....shyte still there ...ball had been taken out !

A taxi society had played there the previous day ????

Filthy Kernts .....

JohnnyFlash · 25-06-2020 10:43pm

Absolutely horsing into the Guinness to celebrate Liverpool winning the Premier League. Drinking the neck off myself.

I'll issue updates tomorrow afternoon on the impact this large consumption of porter will have on the digestive system.

Hotblack Desiato · 25-06-2020 11:11pm

Slideways wrote: »

Not at all, not at all. What ya want to do is keep an eye out for a dead badger or a fox on the side of the road.

Hotblack Desiato · 25-06-2020 11:13pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I'll issue updates tomorrow afternoon on the impact this large consumption of porter will have on the digestive system.

I gave the lads in Ringsend a shout, just in case.

Shur it's been thirty whole years, you might as well celebrate

Brendan Bendar · 26-06-2020 8:06am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Absolutely horsing into the Guinness to celebrate Liverpool winning the Premier League. Drinking the neck off myself.

I'll issue updates tomorrow afternoon on the impact this large consumption of porter will have on the digestive system.

Do the right thing dude, ring the shït farm, tell the lads to have the ‘big knives’ out.

Heard those horrid dough boys who follow the Bindippers congregated around Anfield last night were lifting the lids off bins and crapping in them.

Several seen with midden stains up to their elbows.

Filthy kernts.

Bobblehats · 26-06-2020 10:44am

I celebrated on the toilet. Better than someone else’s backyard I’d rather they did it on the pitch; than city throwing a match and saving themselves the indignity on home soil but some release nonetheless. Must admit I got a little emotional as 30 years of pent up frustration came gushing, like the quality of mersey.

NeinNeinNein · 26-06-2020 3:38pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

A staple of workplace coffee table conversation if there ever was one. "What have you stuck up your arse lately" or "What do you do to ensure optimum bowel movements"

Not. Well, not in my experience, anyway.

Coffee table? We didn't work in a dentist's waiting room. Perfectly true story Dessie, although I don't suspect he meant a pillar candle.

26-06-2020 3:40pm

Something must be done about the shortage of hygiene facilities.

Out of a mixture of sheer embarrassment, and worries about being identified, I have delayed telling my story. Now it's time.

A few weeks ago, when the 20km travel limit came into force, my brother and I decided to visit the ecclesiastical capital of Ireland, the holy city of Armagh. It was a bright, brisk, summery day with a light crowd meandering across the Mall, which is the city's central square.

Although we had known, in advance, that no toilets were open, I urged my brother and his companion that we should seek refreshments from a local coffee shop -- mugs! of coffee, and a sandwich! This was my undoing.

After an hour of relaxed conversation on the grassy Mall, I felt the most discomfiting murmurings in my belly. I casually suggested that we should seek some nearby hygiene facilities, saying that I needed a piss, but the boys, reclining in the sunshine, were having none of it.

I grew more insistent, pretending that I needed this "piss", and eventually they agreed to help me find a nearby public bathroom. Luckily, there was a Sainsbury's nearby, and in an anxious, trembling voice, I asked the Customer Service Lady if they had a bathroom.

Her answer was in the negative, but she assured me that there was a public bathroom just there, adjacent to the supermarket, and I could relieve myself at will.

Dread. As we approached the public bathrooms, I saw an ominous sign posted to the door, which said CLOSED.

My innards gurgled in fright, topsy-turvy, growling dangerously. I knew I didn't have long. The further parts of my unspeakable anatomy panged in fright. I knew these were the final moments. I bade my colleagues off with a sleight of wrist, and I descended into an underground carpark. There, in that place, reader, I shat my load.

The shame. Heavens tonight. I wiped my arse with my own sock, in an underground carpark! Our political leaders must awaken to the reality of the citizens, this is no way for people to live.

Brendan Bendar · 26-06-2020 4:02pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Something must be done about the shortage of hygiene facilities.

Out of a mixture of sheer embarrassment, and worries about being identified, I have delayed telling my story. Now it's time.

A few weeks ago, when the 20km travel limit came into force, my brother and I decided to visit the ecclesiastical capital of Ireland, the holy city of Armagh. It was a bright, brisk, summery day with a light crowd meandering across the Mall, which is the city's central square.

Although we had known, in advance, that no toilets were open, I urged my brother and his companion that we should seek refreshments from a local coffee shop -- mugs! of coffee, and a sandwich! This was my undoing.

After an hour of relaxed conversation on the grassy Mall, I felt the most discomfiting murmurings in my belly. I casually suggested that we should seek some nearby hygiene facilities, saying that I needed a piss, but the boys, reclining in the sunshine, were having none of it.

I grew more insistent, pretending that I needed this "piss", and eventually they agreed to help me find a nearby public bathroom. Luckily, there was a Sainsbury's nearby, and in an anxious, trembling voice, I asked the Customer Service Lady if they had a bathroom.

Her answer was in the negative, but she assured me that there was a public bathroom just there, adjacent to the supermarket, and I could relieve myself at will.

Dread. As we approached the public bathrooms, I saw an ominous sign posted to the door, which said CLOSED.

My innards gurgled in fright, topsy-turvy, growling dangerously. I knew I didn't have long. The further parts of my unspeakable anatomy panged in fright. I knew these were the final moments. I bade my colleagues off with a sleight of wrist, and I descended into an underground carpark. There, in that place, reader, I shat my load.

The shame. Heavens tonight. I wiped my arse with my own sock, in an underground carpark! Our political leaders must awaken to the reality of the citizens, this is no way for people to live.

No shame in that, you had to either papper your kax and carry the load home or blow the load in what they call ‘open country’.*

Only one choice, and well done.

* open country refers to areas not designated for what they call “ controlled chain fire into terrain”.

As the Dufficer might say. Well done.......well done.

EmmetSpiceland · 26-06-2020 4:20pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

The shame. Heavens tonight. I wiped my arse with my own sock, in an underground carpark!

There’s no shame in it, ATNM. None at all. You were, if you’ll excuse the pun, thinking on your feet.

But, if you don’t mind sharing, could you tell me which part you “used”? Did you use the inside bit that would have been against your foot or the outside that was against the shoe?

I believe I’ve brought this up before. I’m a bit nervous of ending up in a similar “situation” and would like the have a good idea of what works best.

And, one more thing, when it comes to the sock, itself, do you “wipe” with the ankle, elastic, part or the toe end?

I’d worry the inside would be awful “bobbly” and lead to, well, clumping.

Finally, I’d just like to say, I, for one, am glad you were able to speak up and get this off your chest. Keeping something like that bottled up isn’t good for ones “constitution”.

26-06-2020 4:30pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

There’s no shame in it, ATNM. None at all. You were, if you’ll excuse the pun, thinking on your feet.

But, if you don’t mind sharing, could you tell me which part you “used”? Did you use the inside bit that would have been against your foot or the outside that was against the shoe?

Good Jesus, Emmet, I used the whole sock.

Obviously, I took it off and I never looked at it again.

My God. What a question. Really, now.

gerrybbadd · 26-06-2020 5:06pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Good Jesus, Emmet, I used the whole sock.

Obviously, I took it off and I never looked at it again.

My God. What a question. Really, now.

Ah, the Kittensocks approach. Nice.

Valid questions by our Em however. We like to be "in the know" when it comes to rarer situations we may find ourselves in, so some sage and seasoned expert advice is always welcomed.

I hope it was one of those nice smooth suit socks, rather than a rugged Goretex special. I'd imagine the merger of sock bobble and midden would result in some outrageous "Mustangs"

Class MayDresser · 26-06-2020 5:08pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Good Jesus, Emmet, I used the whole sock.

Obviously, I took it off and I never looked at it again.

My God. What a question. Really, now.

Did you get Athletes Arse after using the sock is all he's asking jaysus.

It's not as if he's asking did you go playing "helicopters" with said sock up and down between parked cars there.

Did you?

EmmetSpiceland · 26-06-2020 5:09pm

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Good Jesus, Emmet, I used the whole sock.

Obviously, I took it off and I never looked at it again.

My God. What a question. Really, now.

Inside and out? A brave man. I’d take the outside, dirty, part over the inside, potentially fungal, part.

I think I’d use both socks before using one “inside and out”, you’d just end up soiling your hand.

For some reason, I’d use the elastic last. I’m not sure it would be good for the early “stages” of the cleaning and, I’d worry, it could be, well, unpredictable.

Nevin Parsnipp · 26-06-2020 9:03pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Absolutely horsing into the Guinness to celebrate Liverpool winning the Premier League. Drinking the neck off myself.

I'll issue updates tomorrow afternoon on the impact this large consumption of porter will have on the digestive system.

SPUUUUUUTTTTTERRRRRR

What's the etiquette here??

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