What's the etiquette here??

Brendan Bendar · 14-05-2020 9:56pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Blew out a girthy baton of greasy sh1te this morn......naffe off the bolus would have dropped a mature African Hunting Dog....I sh1t you not !

Have been overindulging in fruit logs from Lidle....which are cnuntishly nice and I suspected t.hey mite be the cause of the military strength bang in the kludgie.

Inspected the midden fairly carefully....but apart from a few raisens and corn husks found nothing untoward.

Some household tensions have arisen as a result....and I was wondering if anybody else had a similiar experience ?

Must have been a fair bang so, Nevin, them African Hunting Dogs wouldn’t buckle in a Chinese shïthouse. Legs like fcuking rugby goalposts on them.

Take a few week dead warthogs to stagger them, goin around with legs like snapped candles till they got used to the stench.

14-05-2020 10:36pm

Saw this on reddit earlier, I thought it would be of significant interest to this esteemed chamber of discourse.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ireland/comments/gjpn4d/got_keys_for_our_new_house_today_brand_new_waltz/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Hector Savage · 15-05-2020 12:05am

Deleted User wrote: »

Saw this on reddit earlier, I thought it would be of significant interest to this esteemed chamber of discourse.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ireland/comments/gjpn4d/got_keys_for_our_new_house_today_brand_new_waltz/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Same thing happened us in our apartment, we moved in 2 years ago to a place and some pero bueno ****ing prick left a load of pebble dash in our en suite ... f*cking prick, I think they got off on it !!

Voodoomelon · 15-05-2020 12:38am

I heard of a €500,000+ development just outside Dundalk recently, where the new owners went into the house right at the end of the build and found a hippos leg nestled in the pan. Supposedly the wife went absolutely bananas over it, the main contractor was called in and big investigation into who made the deposit, she was demanding x,y,z, putting the whole project in jeopardy.

I guess having first crack at the porcelain means a lot to some people. There is an element of offence involved too; you spent 12 months designing/prepping/financing/constructing a new build and on handover day some lad unravels some rope into your new throne and leaves it there for all to see. You'd be bloody livid.

Brendan Bendar · 15-05-2020 6:21am

You have to ‘ season the furniture’ dude.

ILikeBoats · 15-05-2020 8:32am

Hippo's Leg

:D:D

I love this thread

Bullocks · 15-05-2020 9:56am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Saw this on reddit earlier, I thought it would be of significant interest to this esteemed chamber of discourse.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ireland/comments/gjpn4d/got_keys_for_our_new_house_today_brand_new_waltz/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

I reckon I've seen ****s everywhere in new houses and sites during my 20'ish years pottering around them.
When I used be on price work plastering we would regularly slash into bottles and horse them out the window rather than walk up the site when plaster was going off, there would be no toilets at our stage of work in houses but we would crap down the turned up sewer pipes from the first fix if we got caught short. Saw the odd one have to be kangoed out cos the crap set in the pipe without water!
Another good one was to **** in a cement bag and throw it into the skip on the way home in the evening. We used always try and get them mixed up with any cables that the boyos would be pulling out for the copper (while they were eyeing up what to rob).
I know lads that would dung up in the attic over the ceiling and just cover it with insulation. The odd toxic one will show through awhile later as a little black patch of dots.
A lad that got fired came back and dropped a big steaming pile on the seat of his bosses dumper which he sat on unwittingly the next morning.
I've loads more but can't think of them right now, but I know this much - that woman should just get a good toilet brush and forget about who dunnit because it's probably the least of her **** problems in the new house.
Before I finish I want to say that electricians are the most likely tradesmen to breach toilet etiquette, absolute cavemen in the outhouse yet they all seem to walk around the site thinking they are a cut above the rest of us.....

sligojoek · 15-05-2020 10:44am

Back in the day a gang of us tiled eight holiday homes in a mini estate in Bundoran. A few weeks after it was done two of us had to go back and do a bit of "snagging" before the houses were handed over. In one house I was changing a couple of cracked tiles in the kitchen when a plumber came in mooching around and went into the utility room which had an adjoining toilet. After a bit I heard the back door closing and never saw him again. After that three women came in cleaning and one went into the toilet. She came back in, looked at me and said, "You dirty cnut" and fcuked off. I went in in and had a look. Never mind your "hippo's legs". This was half an "elephant's trunk" just stopping short of the seat. It was standing up by itself.

"Dirty cnut" was right but as Shaggy would say, "It wasn't me"

15-05-2020 10:59am

Bullocks wrote: »

I reckon I've seen ****s everywhere in new houses and sites during my 20'ish years pottering around them.
When I used be on price work plastering we would regularly slash into bottles and horse them out the window rather than walk up the site when plaster was going off, there would be no toilets at our stage of work in houses but we would crap down the turned up sewer pipes from the first fix if we got caught short. Saw the odd one have to be kangoed out cos the crap set in the pipe without water!
Another good one was to **** in a cement bag and throw it into the skip on the way home in the evening. We used always try and get them mixed up with any cables that the boyos would be pulling out for the copper (while they were eyeing up what to rob).
I know lads that would dung up in the attic over the ceiling and just cover it with insulation. The odd toxic one will show through awhile later as a little black patch of dots.
A lad that got fired came back and dropped a big steaming pile on the seat of his bosses dumper which he sat on unwittingly the next morning.
I've loads more but can't think of them right now, but I know this much - that woman should just get a good toilet brush and forget about who dunnit because it's probably the least of her **** problems in the new house.
Before I finish I want to say that electricians are the most likely tradesmen to breach toilet etiquette, absolute cavemen in the outhouse yet they all seem to walk around the site thinking they are a cut above the rest of us.....

I spent the summer after my leaving cert on a few sites and these last few posts have brought back some truly vile memories of site "facilities".

Bullocks · 15-05-2020 11:39am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I spent the summer after my leaving cert on a few sites and these last few posts have brought back some truly vile memories of site "facilities".

Ah they were a bit of craic that generated a bit of banter when we had no phones with Internet on site. Feck all toilets back then either on site.....

padd b1975 · 18-05-2020 8:32am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I heard of a €500,000+ development just outside Dundalk recently, where the new owners went into the house right at the end of the build and found a hippos leg nestled in the pan. Supposedly the wife went absolutely bananas over it, the main contractor was called in and big investigation into who made the deposit, she was demanding x,y,z, putting the whole project in jeopardy.

I guess having first crack at the porcelain means a lot to some people. There is an element of offence involved too; you spent 12 months designing/prepping/financing/constructing a new build and on handover day some lad unravels some rope into your new throne and leaves it there for all to see. You'd be bloody livid.

Painters and decorators were famous for it back in my plumbing and heating days.
I think they were running some sort of sweepstakes amongst themselves.

They wouldn't even check if the pan was juiced up before letting fly.

Depraved kernts the lot of them.

Brendan Bendar · 18-05-2020 12:42pm

Visited a public house in the Midlands of a Monday morning early for a coffee.

Hit the traps and there snuggled in behind the door was a pint glass with a serious ‘barrack buster’ slotted in and leaving very little room .

Some lad must have unloaded the result of the greasy carvery on offer the previous night.

Serious bang of black pudding and beans in the premises.

NeinNeinNein · 19-05-2020 10:57am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Visited a public house in the Midlands of a Monday morning early for a coffee.

Hit the traps and there snuggled in behind the door was a pint glass with a serious ‘barrack buster’ slotted in and leaving very little room .

Some lad must have unloaded the result of the greasy carvery on offer the previous night.

Serious bang of black pudding and beans in the premises.

Did you return the glass to the bar?

JohnnyFlash · 20-05-2020 10:27am

Haven't been contributing to this thread for the past few days. And it isn't like I couldn't have done with your support and advice. It's sometimes when you need help the most that you avoid reaching out.

I have been astonishingly 'bound up' for the past few days. I hadn't passed a stool since Sunday morning. Things reached a low point yesterday afternoon. It felt like I had swallowed a bag of lead pellets, and they were lodged in my lower digestive system. Wasn't even farting. Nothing moving. Accompanied by heavy sweating. Felt awful.

I tried the usual - a large mug of Maxwell House with 4 Marlboro Reds. 8 cans of Guinness on Monday night. A punnet of plums. 3 tablespoons of Cod Liver Oil. I even tried that mindfulness thing. Not as much as a budge from the bolus.

Headed up to the chemist yesterday, and bought a box of Dulcolax. Take 2 before bed to 'restore your natural rhythm'. 'Fúck that' I thought, and ended up taking 8 of them which were washed down with a large glass of Jameson.

Woke up this morning circa 6.45 with some unbelievable stomach cramps. Immediately hopped out of the scratcher, and frog marched into the jacks. Down go the Liverpool FC boxer shorts, and the arse cheeks were on the seat in half a second. A long sigh, close the eyes, and a slight push. Jesus H. Christ! It was like releasing a sack of mackerel into a barrel. Dramatic splashes, spurts, farts, and gasps.

When it was done I laughed out loud. One of those mad laughs of relief and joy. I felt spiritually, physically, and emotionally lighter. In boxing parlance I dropped from Super Heavyweight to Cruiserweight in less than a minute.

Took an extensive amount of paper work and 4 flushes to get rid of the cargo. I'm like a new man. Top of the world.

20-05-2020 11:16am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Took an extensive amount of paper work and 4 flushes to get rid of the cargo. I'm like a new man. Top of the world.

Glad to hear you're feeling better Johnny, always have a shower myself after a release like that. Just to be sure.

Brendan Bendar · 20-05-2020 12:26pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Glad to hear you're feeling better Johnny, always have a shower myself after a release like that. Just to be sure.

Give the arse crack a good ‘sawing’, clears any nested spiders

partyguinness · 20-05-2020 2:05pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

When it was done I laughed out loud. One of those mad laughs of relief and joy. I felt spiritually, physically, and emotionally lighter. In boxing parlance I dropped from Super Heavyweight to Cruiserweight in less than a minute.

Took an extensive amount of paper work and 4 flushes to get rid of the cargo. I'm like a new man. Top of the world.

I haven't read a battle like that since 'Lord of the Rings'. The tension has palpable.

Fireball81 · 20-05-2020 8:22pm

Really struggling having peaceful dumps and cleaning the pipes during the lockdown.

An example of my new laziness is having a dump mid morning and then hopping in the shower,no need for paper. Just wash the hairy poo shoot with some fancy shampoo or shower gel that the wife has.

Smells nice afterwards and no chance of missing any bits or finger going through the paper (or ****e ending up on edge of hand).

Supposed to be back in the office from sometime next month. Heard the WCs will be strictly one man at a time. No need to use the disabled for self love then.

JohnnyFlash · 20-05-2020 9:07pm

Fireball81 wrote: »

Supposed to be back in the office from sometime next month. Heard the WCs will be strictly one man at a time. No need to use the disabled for self love then.

Yet when I made that suggestion on the first page of the thread I nearly had the head taken off me. Closing off one of the cubicles so only one person could be pinching off a length of spine.

Lot of anger out there.

EmmetSpiceland · 20-05-2020 9:14pm

Does anyone know if frequent, liberal, “applications” of Sudocrem to the hole, itself, can lead to a loss of ring-piece “integrity”?

The recent heat has lead to an uncomfortable, and persistent, itchy hole coupled with a disconcerting “build up” of sludgy gryup behind the “ball-bag” and along the barse.

Muscles Schultz · 20-05-2020 11:49pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Does anyone know if frequent, liberal, “applications” of Sudocrem to the hole, itself, can lead to a loss of ring-piece “integrity”?

The recent heat has lead to an uncomfortable, and persistent, itchy hole coupled with a disconcerting “build up” of sludgy gryup behind the “ball-bag” and along the barse.

Are you suffering for the piles ? Awful affliction that really impacts enjoyment of a good slurry dump.

EmmetSpiceland · 20-05-2020 11:57pm

Muscles Schultz wrote: »

Are you suffering for the piles ? Awful affliction that really impacts enjoyment of a good slurry dump.

No, I’m fairly sure I’m free of the “arse grapes”. No painful discomfort. Just the itch, which I’m putting down to the heat.

I’d better settle down with the phone torch and give the area a, solid, inspection tomorrow. Will employ the “double mirror” technique.

Class MayDresser · 21-05-2020 12:15am

Would you consider the grizzle brush out by the barbecue if you have one Emmet? Put it into the dishwasher afterwards no one the wiser.
One of the many pluses of the summer.

sligojoek · 21-05-2020 12:17am

A wire brush is no good unless combined with the chemical power of Dettol

Class MayDresser · 21-05-2020 12:33am

sligojoek wrote: »

A wire brush is no good unless combined with the chemical power of Dettol

Would an aloe vera infused Dettol sell? Just pop it into the nutri bullit with some good Italian virgin oil and Mediterranean tomatoes, smear it on the hidden runway to ease the pain?

snoopboggybog · 21-05-2020 12:48am

Knees up at my forhead, scissors in hand with a portable head razer in hand and a basin with hot water.

The dangleberries are getting a bit much, nearly using a full roll to try and wipe clean. Time for three month trim of the downey fluff as Ted used to say.

sligojoek · 21-05-2020 1:15am

snoopboggybog wrote: »

Knees up at my forhead, scissors in hand with a portable head razer in hand and a basin with hot water.

The dangleberries are getting a bit much, nearly using a full roll to try and wipe clean. Time for three month trim of the downey fluff as Ted used to say.

Go out to the lawn. Lie belly down with no knickers on facing south for a few hours. By tea-time you'll be able to squeeze them and turn them to dust.

Good for the lawn too.

Ush1 · 21-05-2020 10:10am

Eating these protein bars lately and mother of God the smell off the gas being passed.

Hot boiled parsnips.

Hector Savage · 21-05-2020 10:21am

Fireball81 wrote: »

Really struggling having peaceful dumps and cleaning the pipes during the lockdown.

An example of my new laziness is having a dump mid morning and then hopping in the shower,no need for paper. Just wash the hairy poo shoot with some fancy shampoo or shower gel that the wife has.

Smells nice afterwards and no chance of missing any bits or finger going through the paper (or ****e ending up on edge of hand).

Supposed to be back in the office from sometime next month. Heard the WCs will be strictly one man at a time. No need to use the disabled for self love then.

Serious breach of etiquette , so you are rinsing ****e down the shower drain ???

jaysus!!!! ...

Muscles Schultz · 21-05-2020 10:25am

What is the best treatment for arse grapes anyway? Nitro freeze and snip off?

What's the etiquette here??

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