What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Saw a rather florid lad in an Oxblood coloured,well filled trousers, staggering around Portumna yesterday...

Swarm of flies orbiting around the arse of his trousers.

Could be our man.........

Not me, pal. Haven’t been down Galway direction in almost 3 months. Will head down to Portumna for a game of golf and a feed in the clubhouse once this lockdown thing is over. Do a mighty feed of bacon and cabbage down there. The sort of place they leave a gravy boat of parsley sauce down on the table. Top class.

Have good solid Armie Shanks porcelain ware down there as well. Perfect for unloading a couple of divots.

Back after a couple of days in the Boards clink. Took some time to reflect on my latest misdemeanours. A changed man now. No more acting the bollocks.

fuerte1976

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Back after a couple of days in the Boards clink. Took some time to reflect on my latest misdemeanours. A changed man now. No more acting the bollocks.

Twas a fair ol rant 🀭

You must have been severely bungged up!

padd b1975

fuerte1976 wrote: »

And or clingfilm.

Mind you, that would depend on the viscosity of said item..

A large black back fashioned into a nest shape is excellent for all consistencies.

fuerte1976

padd b1975 wrote: »

A large black back fashioned into a nest shape is excellent for all consistencies.

Like a Meringue

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Not me, pal. Haven’t been down Galway direction in almost 3 months. Will head down to Portumna for a game of golf and a feed in the clubhouse once this lockdown thing is over. Do a mighty feed of bacon and cabbage down there. The sort of place they leave a gravy boat of parsley sauce down on the table. Top class.

Have good solid Armie Shanks porcelain ware down there as well. Perfect for unloading a couple of divots.

Back after a couple of days in the Boards clink. Took some time to reflect on my latest misdemeanours. A changed man now. No more acting the bollocks.

In the clink John.... what section did you offend in.

Sorry for going a bit off topic, but as the OP on this thread I’m surprised you attracted ire from the moderati on some issues.

Must have been some mod who didn’t like the cut of your jib,as you are the GOAT around this particular thread.

Must say I thought they had calmed down a good bit in recent times.

Anyway........ keep the head down ... good guys now in the mod contingent.

Very few coins.

padd b1975

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Like a Meringue

Poovlova.

fuerte1976

padd b1975 wrote: »

Poovlova.

'Baked Alaska'

As opposed to that other Alaskan phenomenon...

Fireball81

Lads, are any of you experiencing more skid marks in these work from home times?

I'm finding between work and the bloody kids I'm holding in more than I used to and as such there is touching cloth (it's not coming from not willing wiping my arse properly), there's been some very nasty ones, thank fook I don't buy white jocks.

I've also had to bring forward my morning dump to just before I get in the shower (only time for peace and quiet before the kids get up), cleaning my hole thoroughly in the shower.

As for a slow old tug - I barely have time for a lazy relaxing dump these days

Bring on September when the schools reopen is all I'll say.

Flavour Diaper

When was the last time you knocked one out pal? Could you not nip into the office at night or something?

Fireball81

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

When was the last time you knocked one out pal? Could you not nip into the office at night or something?

Been about 10 days which is a record for me, if it was an Olympic sport I'd be a gold medalist. If the little ****s go to bed shortly , going to sneak off for a bit of self love.

Due back in the office from 1 June, I'm almost hallucinating about the private facilities.

EmmetSpiceland

Fireball81 wrote: »

Been about 10 days which is a record for me, if it was an Olympic sport I'd be a gold medalist. If the little ****s go to bed shortly , going to sneak off for a bit of self love.

Due back in the office from 1 June, I'm almost hallucinating about the private facilities.

10 days?! Are your nadgers feeling heavy? Getting any “blue ball”? Nasty business. What about your piss, has that gotten foamy yet?

I’m not a fan myself but have you considered “knocking one out” in the shower?

You’d want to keep your water intake up, stay well hydrated, for when you finally do decide to “tackle” the problem. Otherwise that’s coming out like custard.

Best of luck with it but, seriously, grab the bull by the “horns” and sort it out sooner rather than later.

Flavour Diaper

I must say I find the idea of shower **** a little unsettling. Haven't done it since I was a sixteen myself, but the main thing that stands out is a whole lot of time spent afterwards, fishing out strings and globby cords of man milk from the plug hole as Da knocked on the door impatiently waiting his turn to hop in for a bath, and an unpleasant smell of smoked coley hanging in the air.

Flavour Diaper

Not to labour the point, but hopping in that bath must have felt like hopping in a sandpit.

akelly02

Lads can I just say ye are fuucking priceless.

JohnnyFlash

akelly02 wrote: »

Lads can I just say ye are fuucking priceless.

Thanks dude, and well done on winning the Labour Party leadership contest.

Fireball81

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

10 days?! Are your nadgers feeling heavy? Getting any “blue ball”? Nasty business. What about your piss, has that gotten foamy yet?

I’m not a fan myself but have you considered “knocking one out” in the shower?

You’d want to keep your water intake up, stay well hydrated, for when you finally do decide to “tackle” the problem. Otherwise that’s coming out like custard.

Best of luck with it but, seriously, grab the bull by the “horns” and sort it out sooner rather than later.

Was actually 8 days I think.... just back from knocking one out. A fairly full load straight into the bowl, looked slightly discoloured so must get back into the habit, going sleep like a baby tonight too.

Will just have to make time for it in future...

Now back to my original question, are you lads having problems with increased numbers of skid marks during WFM times?

Flavour Diaper

Sorry when you say discoloured?

Hector Savage

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

...

3. Had incident in work similar in nature to aforementioned scenario by another contributor several months ago. Was sitting on pot having dropped several pounds of dark steaming midden when automatic lights went out leaving me in total darkness. Reaching for roll left me in state of existential horror as dispenser was empty. Had to cross all the way back through office, a five or six minute journey, past colleagues and enemies, with what felt like an open kebab between my arse cheeks and a pint of sand tossed up inside my chute to go to the other bathroom.

With your pants around your ankles ?

4. I'm reminded of an old friend I've known since childhood. This individual has never held down a job and would be of the nerdy variety. I believe he still collects transformers etc. I say this not to judge, but rather to give a fuller picture. One day many years ago we started to discuss women and what sexual peculiarities we may enjoy, and what we have encountered etc. etc., when he started to tell me about his own rather niche interest, that same evening showing me a few jpegs and videos on a subscriber only site, which related to women, wiping at the wrong hole with tissues smeared in a little excrement. I'll say no more, but the general vibe was one of carelessness, one minute she is wiping her bum, next she has gone in again forgetting to reload with clean paper and swiped across the wrong runway, you get the picture.

Hector Savage

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Twas a fair ol rant ��

You must have been severely bungged up!

What was the post that got him banned ?

Fireball81

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

Sorry when you say discoloured?

Not as white as normal, more a creamy colour. Assume it was because it was inside me so long or maybe I have a problem ?!?!?

Will check the colour when I empty the pipes later today.

fuerte1976

Hector Savage wrote: »

What was the post that got him banned ?

I won't repost it, but let's just say twas direct and very unFlash like from what I've read in this house.

Flavour Diaper

Worrying news indeed when a top poster and net contributor to this site like JohhnyFlash has attracted the scorn of that loathsome subspecies, I speak of course of the moderators. He is definitely a numero uno hombre, GOAT, forefather of this thread and minor celebrity outside of it. Hang in there dude, we got your back brother.

Fireball81 wrote: »

Not as white as normal, more a creamy colour. Assume it was because it was inside me so long or maybe I have a problem ?!?!?

Will check the colour when I empty the pipes later today.

Do report back. I remember shooting a few yellowy, mucus like loads with an awful sour acrid smell off them back in the day but I was never able to determine the cause.

JohnnyFlash

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

Worrying news indeed when a top poster and net contributor to this site like JohhnyFlash has attracted the scorn of that loathsome subspecies, I speak of course of the moderators. He is definitely a numero uno hombre, GOAT, forefather of this thread and minor celebrity outside of it. Hang in there dude, we got your back brother.

Thanks for your kind words, FD.

Had a bit of a rough weekend just passed. Headed down to my local Mace last Friday, saw they had 12 500ml bottles of Pale Ale for a tenner (near dated). A bargain at the price. Ended up polishing off 10 of them on the Friday, and 14 of them on the Saturday while playing online poker.

Woke up on Sunday morning feeling as rough as the proverbial pig's arse. Checked out my online poker account balance, and that didn't improve my mood either. Took a cheap potshot at a poster on another thread, and got a few days off to consider my actions.

Bowel movements all week have been extremely 'hoppy', loose, and rather frequent. Had to head up to the chemist on Tuesday for a tube of Eurax. I've spoken about this miracle cream before, but there is nothing more effective for almost instant relief from 'personal itching'. I've also been giving the idea of getting a bidet in the jacks some serious consideration.

Hector Savage

I have been meaning to post this for quite some weeks now, but a few weeks back I woke up one day and the stomach wasn't in the best of shape, had a touch of the scuts in the morning and wasn't worried - this was about a month into the lockdown and I thought to myself well it can't be the Covid19 I've only got the trots, made the mistake of googling it and it turns out that some cases ONLY have the scutters as a symptom.
So add paranoia to the mix...
It got worse and worse during the day and that evening I just felt awful in the gut and didn't have the sh1ts but felt like it, ever get that feeling and you go to the jacks and all you can do is strain out a few little bits of yobble ? - really frustrating.
And then there was the broken sleep and constant dreaming about it, and in the dreams I'm just convinced I have the covid ... very upsetting, I got up perhaps once an hour during the night and again, straining over the jacks with just a few drops of drittle to account - and only to slightly ease the stomach cramp.

Around 6AM I felt a small bit better and managed to sleep untill around 8, I woke up feeling better still and could feel a fart brewing .....

paarppp....ppppaaaaaarrrrppppp

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP....

Lasted about 5/6 seconds (probably 2, but you know how the memory exagerrates), never has a fart felt so good, and almost imediately felt fine again, must have been a load of gas in there causing all the bother ...
Still no movement, so brewed up a cup of coffee and 30 mins later was somewhat back to normal delivery levels - still not quite though.
Over the next few days got back into the habit of morning coffees and am happy to see am back to machine gunning out 3KG loads of scuttery streely yobble on a daily basis.

But f*ck me, never google medical symptoms, I reckon if you had a sore small left toe and googled enough you would find somewhere that it's a sign of the covid!!

Stay safe lads!!

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Thanks for your kind words, FD.

Had a bit of a rough weekend just passed. Headed down to my local Mace last Friday, saw they had 12 500ml bottles of Pale Ale for a tenner (near dated). A bargain at the price. Ended up polishing off 10 of them on the Friday, and 14 of them on the Saturday while playing online poker.

Woke up on Sunday morning feeling as rough as the proverbial pig's arse. Checked out my online poker account balance, and that didn't improve my mood either. Took a cheap potshot at a poster on another thread, and got a few days off to consider my actions.

Bowel movements all week have been extremely 'hoppy', loose, and rather frequent. Had to head up to the chemist on Tuesday for a tube of Eurax. I've spoken about this miracle cream before, but there is nothing more effective for almost instant relief from 'personal itching'. I've also been giving the idea of getting a bidet in the jacks some serious consideration.

John, 12 .500ml bottles of Pale Ale ! Pale Fnuuerking Ale!

For fuhherke sake..... things must have been about 3.8 %ABV.

No wonder you blew out the pipes and had a cut at some coin on another thread.

Gut was full of horse piss and you were certainly pissing like a cart horse and a fcuking head like a stone pot on you.

Worse thing you can do is tank up with tepid weak beer,all it does is fill you up with something like washing up liquid, and deliver a head and no buzz.

Furhkking mod was right, should have given you the month.

Probably backing out midden pale as a young nuns shïte right now.

Flavour Diaper

Any chance your house is next to one of those 5G poles Hector?

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

John, 12 .500ml bottles of Pale Ale ! Pale Fnuuerking Ale!

For fuhherke sake..... things must have been about 3.8 %ABV.

No wonder you blew out the pipes and had a cut at some coin on another thread.

Gut was full of horse piss and you were certainly pissing like a cart horse and a fcuking head like a stone pot on you.

Worse thing you can do is tank up with tepid weak beer,all it does is fill you up with something like washing up liquid, and deliver a head and no buzz.

Furhkking mod was right, should have given you the month.

Probably backing out midden pale as a young nuns shïte right now.

4.5% abv, Brendan. Standard enough I would have thought? I like to put away a good 8-12 cans/bottles during a home session, and you couldn’t be doing that with strong Eastern European lager, imperial stouts, or those hoppy ales with an abv of about 10%.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

4.5% abv, Brendan. Standard enough I would have thought? I like to put away a good 8-12 cans/bottles during a home session, and you couldn’t be doing that with strong Eastern European lager, imperial stouts, or those hoppy ales with an abv of about 10%.

Correct John, hmmm very few 4.5s around usually 4.3 and then 4.8..

Wasn’t that John Smiths shïte was is?

Have a go at the auld Argus 8%.

Anyway good to have you back on stage, thought yo might have appeared on the Prison forum again.

Pintman Paddy Losty

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Correct John, hmmm very few 4.5s around usually 4.3 and then 4.8..

Wasn’t that John Smiths shïte was is?

Have a go at the auld Argus 8%.

Anyway good to have you back on stage, thought yo might have appeared on the Prison forum again.

Speaking of Arghus. No sign of that old cantankerous cnung Nevin. Any word from him Brendan?

Nevin Parsnipp

Blew out a girthy baton of greasy sh1te this morn......naffe off the bolus would have dropped a mature African Hunting Dog....I sh1t you not !

Have been overindulging in fruit logs from Lidle....which are cnuntishly nice and I suspected t.hey mite be the cause of the military strength bang in the kludgie.

Inspected the midden fairly carefully....but apart from a few raisens and corn husks found nothing untoward.

Some household tensions have arisen as a result....and I was wondering if anybody else had a similiar experience ?