Dating a guy who regularly updates his Tinder profile

NewMan1982 · 23-09-2019 05:30PM

Being a man who is on tinder I can tell you now that if he is actively updating his pictures and bio then he is 100% on the look out for something better.

It’s kinda the real negative of these apps, everyone thinks something better is a few swipes away.

And also being from a mans perspective if a girl asked me to be exclusive after a few dates that would not be an issue. If you like someone you give it a go, if it doesn’t work out then no problem you move on.

Calypso Realm · 23-09-2019 05:35PM

Just one more thing OP, which I forgot to add in previous post. You wrote he was going off the think about things (ie process recent events) please DO NOT on any account, contact him for ANY reason, whatsoever. More importantly, do not get it touch to ask him what he's decided etc This guy *knows* your interested so ball very firmly in his court etc

Leave all contact from now on up to him!

Something for next time if you encounter a similar situation-Just walk, citing you can see you're both not on the same page and let the chips fall where they may!

Good luck!

Calypso Realm · 23-09-2019 05:46PM

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

As for lack of sex? If I put myself in his shoes I would be expecting sex to have happened already. But then again I'd want a relationship. I'd be sussing out the other to see if they were were really into me and moving things forward etc.

So, you would view willingness to have sex as a barometer of into you the other person was?

Actually, out of interest perhaps OP can elaborate on what discussions took place about this between them and why it hasn't happened so far.

tara73 · 23-09-2019 06:51PM

Well done Op, you weeded him out.You might Not see it as this atm but wait a few days or weeks and reel everything in what the wise people here wrote you and you‘ll say thank god I didn‘t fall into the trap of this man.

tara73 · 23-09-2019 06:52PM

Well done Op, you weeded him out.You might Not see it as this atm but wait a few days or weeks and reel everything in what the wise people here wrote you and you‘ll say thank god I didn‘t fall into the trap of this man.

LegacyUser · 23-09-2019 06:52PM

OP here. Thanks for all your advice. I've slept on it and I've calmed down a bit now.

I think it's very hard to portray the exact situation I'm in, mostly because you have to experience it first hand, and secondly there are some bits of my story I have changed a bit to keep me anonymous. I know that sounds paranoid, but just don't want someone figuring out its me from some of the details, however unlikely.

The main points I want to make clear is that

1. We have been dating for about 7 weeks and have been on about 8 dates (I've lost track of the exact figures and don't want to think about the exact number of weeks and dates right now!)
2. Some of these dates were packed into one weekend, like stayed over a Friday night / Saturday morning, and then coffee on a Sunday, so I counted these as 3 dates. There have been gaps in dating (sometimes two weeks) where neither of us could meet. It does not feel like we've been dating as much or as long as we have. We have seen each other 3 times in the past 4 weeks (twice in one weekend).
3. He has never pressured me for sex, and I was the one that asked questions about what sex means to him in a relationship. I've invited him to stay over some nights where he could have thought it was for sex, but politely turned it down, so I don't think that's what's driving him to be with me.
4. I hide my emotions well and can be standoffish. I've had this in a lot of dating scenarios in the past where the guy I'm dating doesn't think I'm interested when I really am.
5. He's very open about his personal life and has told me things that would probably turn off others, and he didn't have to tell me.

I'm not one for playing games, so I'm not going to just wait around for him to message me. I plan to meet him face to face and talk it through. Can only be a few outcomes:

1. He doesn't think it's a good idea to meet right now/needs more time to think/is too busy - then I end it
2. We meet but says that we're not compatible - then we end it
3. We meet but doesn't understand my point of view - I end it (he doesn't have to agree with my point of view because everyone is different, but at least has to understand it.)
4. We meet, he sees my point of view and apologises - we try to give it a shot
5. We meet and we both talk it out. We both listen to each others thoughts and speak honestly and openly. We may not agree, but there might be a compromise somewhere. Who knows what the result of this will be, but I won't know til it happens.

I don't think there is much else I can do.

NewMan1982 · 24-09-2019 05:50AM

Seems far too complicated. Dating shouldn’t be this hard.

zapper55 · 24-09-2019 11:23AM

Ok you are way way overthinking it.

I wouldnt be arsed with his wishy washy messing. If he's regularly updating his tinder profile then he's not that into you and likely addicted to the next first date, the next fix. So.many people on online dating like that. Life's too short. When someone is interested you'll know. I'd send him a nice to meet you text but we are looking for different things.

Also every single guy that who's behaviour i over analysed dating never went anywhere. It was the guy that showed he was interested, was consistent in his behaviour and wasn't obsessed with his dating profile that did.

How much time and energy has this taken from you? You need to treat your time more previously and have the boundaries to say this isn't for.me.

leggo · 24-09-2019 12:02PM

NewMan1982 wrote: »

Seems far too complicated. Dating shouldn’t be this hard.

Yeah ew, showdown discussions before you’ve even agreed to be together. If I was him and if (huge if) everything he was saying was actually the 100% truth, that alone would be enough for me to call time.

You can’t just keep having the “What are we?” chat until you get the answer you want. You’ve had it, what, twice now and you still aren’t anything. That’s your answer right there. But he knows you like him so he’ll keep fobbing you off with just enough to keep you satiated and you’ll keep making excuses. Break the cycle here OP, you have your answer to this.

Calypso Realm · 24-09-2019 12:30PM

leggo wrote: »

You can’t just keep having the “What are we?” chat until you get the answer you want. You’ve had it, what, twice now and you still aren’t anything. That’s your answer right there. .

Exactly. OP poking and prodding him in the hope he'll give you the answer you want won't achieve anything. In fact, it will only have the exact opposite effect and backfire spectacularly on you OP. All you'll succeed in doing is annoying him and driving him away even further! I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up ghosting you if you keep this up. Seriously.

Leave him alone for now OP. He's made his position clear. He knows where you are if he wants to contact you.

leggo · 24-09-2019 08:04PM

Yeah +1 for ghosting being the most likely ending here. As soon as it hits the tipping point and goes from massaging his ego to him finding the OP a bit annoying...that’s where this is leading, you can see it a mile off.

Xterminator · 25-09-2019 08:12AM

Hi Op

i think thats a great idea. im making the assumption he is a decent guy. After 8 dates you seem to still like him, and so id go along with your gut instinct there.

Your not currently getting what you need from this relationship. He probably isn't either. An open and honest discussion will reveal a lot. Maybe there is no future here but at least you will know if it ends it wasn't because you held back and didnt risk anything.

but i hope it does work out.

blairbear · 25-09-2019 01:12PM

OP, a couple of years ago, I was dating a man for 2 months. We had been sleeping together/staying over a couple of times per week, going out for dinner/drinks every weekend, had met each other's friends etc. One evening in my room, he did some stupid dance a lad had taught him at the gym, and he said, "this'll be great now as an opener when I'm chatting up women on my next night out."

I was pretty dumbfounded. I asked him straight out why he would be chatting up women, as I thought we were getting on so well and, to all intents and purposes, were in a relationship, I assumed. He couldn't get out the door fast enough and the next morning, I had an essay length text about how what we had was SO SPECIAL and I was SO AMAZING, but he didn't want to rush things by "committing before we were both sure."

So, for the first time in my life, I didn't analyse any of it. I didn't ring my friends or my mum. I didn't twist his little story in my head to suit my own narrative. I messaged back and said I had no interest in continuing things, as I wanted a man who WAS sure about me. He acted hurt, sad, annoyed, frustrated, apologetic. But he didn't offer to be my boyfriend. He didn't offer exclusivity.

I felt great afterwards. GREAT. And I was over him in no time, because I had made the choice not to be treated like an option. I honestly think you should do the same. Immediately.

Calypso Realm · 25-09-2019 05:27PM

blairbear wrote: »

I felt great afterwards. GREAT. And I was over him in no time, because I had made the choice not to be treated like an option. I honestly think you should do the same. Immediately.

Absolutely. And well done for being strong enough to walk away when you needed to! As you've experienced it can be very empowering when you take back control yourself as opposed to be just dangling along in the (very often vain) hope someone else will step up or change their minds!

tara73 · 25-09-2019 05:40PM

OP I think your last post and decision is Kind of a disgrace or slap in the face to the people who took the time to reply with lenghthy and most of all excellent advice. What Is your decision? Doing the complete opposite what people advised. What‘s with your original question, him updating his Tinder profile?All forgotten and forgiven? Sure do whatever you want to do but you come across now as desperate and I‘m not so sure anymore who‘s the bigger problem, you or him.

lainey_d_123 · 25-09-2019 06:45PM

tara73 wrote: »

OP I think your last post and decision is Kind of a disgrace or slap in the face to the people who took the time to reply with lenghthy and most of all excellent advice. What Is your decision? Doing the complete opposite what people advised. What‘s with your original question, him updating his Tinder profile?All forgotten and forgiven? Sure do whatever you want to do but you come across now as desperate and I‘m not so sure anymore who‘s the bigger problem, you or him.

Ah now it's hard when you're the one involved to see it for what it is, sometimes. You make excuses for people and try to be understanding and patient because you don't want to ruin what you have, but the truth is there's nothing to ruin. It can take a while to realise that.

I for one would have no patience for someone still being on dating apps once we were properly dating (as in, seeing each other regularly, texting, planning future dates). What's the point? I want someone who gives a relationship a chance, not someone who is constantly looking for something better and comparing me to random faces on apps.

NewMan1982 · 25-09-2019 06:57PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Ah now it's hard when you're the one involved to see it for what it is, sometimes. You make excuses for people and try to be understanding and patient because you don't want to ruin what you have, but the truth is there's nothing to ruin. It can take a while to realise that.

I for one would have no patience for someone still being on dating apps once we were properly dating (as in, seeing each other regularly, texting, planning future dates). What's the point? I want someone who gives a relationship a chance, not someone who is constantly looking for something better and comparing me to random faces on apps.

I think Tara is right. I got the feeling the OP was waiting for just one poster to say keep seeing him.

It is desperate and we have all done stupid things for people who weren’t worth it.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2019 09:09PM

OP here again.

I do appreciate all the advice I've been given. Sometimes it can be hard to take it on board when your head is clouded with all these thoughts and feelings. Sorry if I seem to be ignoring what you're saying, but sometimes you latch onto the one or two comments which align with your own thoughts at that time.

We had a lengthy chat (over text messages again because he messaged me first) with him basically saying he doesn't have time to commit to a relationship right now because of work and studies. I partly believe this because I questioned him before to see if he would have enough time to be dating (which he claimed, before college started, that he did).

All signs point to him not being overly interested, but what is bugging me is that he consistently says that he wants to get to know me better and really liked spending time with me. Totally driving me crazy because his actions don't match with what he's saying.

He wanted to stay in contact until college was over, and even wanted to meet this weekend. I didn't like the idea of this at all - I was/am not emotionally attached to him (as much as expected after a few weeks of seeing each other), but I know it would be awkward if I was dating someone and still talking to him as there still is an attraction.

I shunned his offer of meeting up and keeping in contact and he took offence. He said I was overthinking things and reading too much into his messages and actions. He's still standing by his claim that he's into me and if he wasn't why would he be still messaging me and arranging to meet up (his words, not mine). I'm sure that all my questioning has driven him crazy (and probably justified if he has the mentality that we weren't dating seriously to begin with).

Maybe he's being honest and he is into me, but not enough to warrant a relationship and too much for it to be a friendship.

I've left it at that and don't plan on any contact with him for some time.

Homelander · 25-09-2019 11:34PM

You're making excuses for him. He's not interested in a relationship. You're trying to dress it up with all manners of explanations, but the truth just remains - he's clearly not interested. His explanations are beyond feeble. It's time to move on. Real, genuine relationships are not remotely this difficult, you're dodging a proverbial bullet here with this guy, whatever linguistic magic he's trying to weave.

Calypso Realm · 26-09-2019 12:01AM

bleeper91 wrote: »

All signs point to him not being overly interested, but what is bugging me is that he consistently says that he wants to get to know me better and really liked spending time with me. Totally driving me crazy because his actions don't match with what he's saying.

OP, no need to get in a twist over this as it's actions alone you should be
looking at (and taking into account) when assessing interest. Words, unless they align with them actually don't count, at all.

Listen, I've no doubt he does like you but.....just not enough!

How old are you both?

quinnd6 · 26-09-2019 02:02AM

Just editing out my post.
I was going to advise but I'm not really qualified as I've never been on a date and probably never will be.

Tell me how · 26-09-2019 02:19AM

quinnd6 wrote: »

Just editing out my post.
I was going to advise but I'm not really qualified as I've never been on a date and probably never will be.

Hey quinnd6.

Many people get decent advice here. You're not the only one to not have managed to have a relationship by the time they thought it would have happened.

Maybe have a read of some of the older threads in the forum or even start your own thread if you thought it would help. You can do so anonymously on this forum but it has to be approved by a mod.

When I was younger, I had relationships while some friends siblings were slow to get in to them. Guess what, they're mostly married with kids now while I'm still not so there is no rule that you must do it by x time or whatever.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-09-2019 08:14AM

Oh dear god. Stop having these conversations over text. They're a cheap and cheerful way of chickening out of having awkward conversations. Let's be honest here, you were never going to have these conversations face to face with him, were you? I understand that this is the way younger people communicate but it is an appalling way to deal with complex issues. You wouldn't email your boss if you wanted to discuss work issues. So why are you texting this fella instead of talking to him?

Leaving that aside, it's obvious that he isn't interested in you. He likes you to a certain extent and knows what to say to string you along. Nothing in his actions show that he wants anything more serious. You're "Miss Will Do For Now", not "Miss Right". If he went onto Tinder genuinely hoping to find a girlfriend, he hasn't found her yet. Hence that continual updating of his profile and unwillingness to stop using Tinder and to give you and him a go. Disabling/deleting Tinder for a while isn't like asking for him to donate an organ or a marriage proposal. Would wanting to give things a go be really that big a deal if he liked you? As somebody else said already, it really shouldn't be this hard.

After this length of time, it should be an open and closed case of p*ss or get off the pot. So bloody what if you go out for a little while and it doesn't work out? Tinder will always be there. I think at this stage you should just let him go and put your energies into meeting somebody else who wants to be with you. Not just in cheap words but in their actions.

NewMan1982 · 26-09-2019 09:25AM

The OP’s last sentence says it all.
No point in dragging this thread on. It’s reached its conclusion.

NewMan1982 · 26-09-2019 09:31AM

I used to string woman along like that too when I was younger. You keep them onside in the hope of getting regular casual sex.

I can’t believe you’ve fallen for the busy with college line.

Sorry for being harsh but sometimes being blunt is best.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-09-2019 09:45AM

NewMan1982 wrote: »

I used to string woman along like that too when I was younger. You keep them onside in the hope of getting regular casual sex.

And I'm sure I'm not the only woman who deluded myself into thinking something might happen if I gave it more time. It's amazing what mental gymnastics the human brain is capable of when you fancy somebody and they're throwing you crumbs from the table.

The bottom line here is that if somebody is genuinely interested, they'll make time for you. They won't have you feeling unsure about where you stand. This fella wants to play the field and is probably sleeping with other women. Move on.

zapper55 · 26-09-2019 10:20AM

Dont plan on contact for some time? Yeah that means when he texts again you'll come running. Look at this stage he's been clear in his actions. His words are bs.

NewMan1982 · 26-09-2019 10:55AM

zapper55 wrote: »

Dont plan on contact for some time? Yeah that means when he texts again you'll come running. Look at this stage he's been clear in his actions. His words are bs.

The old saying actions speak louder than words is true in nearly all aspects of life.

lunamoon · 26-09-2019 03:30PM

It's not that hard to delete your profile and create a new one. With that in mind, I'd be moving on. After 7 dates I'd expect someone to concentrate on one person not continuously updating their profile.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 26-09-2019 03:45PM

He's into you enough to not dislike spending time with you until someone he actually likes comes along. OR he may want to get you into bed before letting you go.

Either way, he's not interested and there's no happy ending for you if you continue to pursue him.

Dating a guy who regularly updates his Tinder profile

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