Dating a guy who regularly updates his Tinder profile

Calypso Realm

NewMan1982 wrote: »

I used to string woman along like that too when I was younger. You keep them onside in the hope of getting regular casual sex..

*Smacks wrist*

Another reason why we advocate no sex before exclusivity. At least I do.

However, not the case with OP as according to her

bleeper91 wrote: »

He has never pressured me for sex, and I was the one that asked questions about what sex means to him in a relationship. I've invited him to stay over some nights where he could have thought it was for sex, but politely turned it down, so I don't think that's what's driving him to be with me.

Have to say, I find this a bit unusual at this point in time. Another thing OP, when I read your latest update, eight dates in two months isn't a lot at all! Guys who are keen want to see you much more frequently than that!

Idle Passerby

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Another thing OP, when I read your latest update, eight dates in two months isn't a lot at all! Guys who are keen want to see you much more frequently than that!

I thought the same. The OP isn't even his number 1 option, she's the one he calls when the others are busy. Sorry OP but he was never interested in anything more than what he was already offering. Your debasing yourself to keep hanging around hoping for crumbs from his table.

Cutie 3.14

Watch this OP:

I think Im really falling for you, I've been reading your replies on here and you're amazing. Articulate, sensitive, full of thought. I know you're the guy/girl for me. I know you haven't met me but hang in there, we could be together in the future. Wait for me.

You see how easy it is to say these things to somebody?
Ok I've never met you and you've had more of a connection with this guy than me so you're more likely to believe his words but that's all they are; words!!

Take it from somebody who spent over 2 miserable years in an abusive relationship with an utter psychopath. LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS!!
Words are utterly meaningless unless they're backed up by corresponding actions.

I never reply to threads in this forum but when I saw he manipulated the situation into HIM being the aggrieved one it just jumped out at me. My ex did the same thing, something would be bothering me and when I tried to bring it up he would turn it around onto me and by the end of the conversation I would be the one apologising to him!!

I hope I'm overreacting and he is using 'innocent' deflection to avoid the awkward 'I'm just not that into you' conversation, but I dont think I am. Hes not your knight in shining armour, hes not going to be the love of your life, hes already wrecking your head. Forget about him.


I'm with a new guy now and I was the same as you, after a few weeks of dating I was dancing around the 'what are we' conversation and without skipping beat he looked at me and said I was his girlfriend and that was it. No conversation needed, he had been thinking that way some time before I brought it up.
He didnt keep me guessing or run off under a rock at the thoughts of being exclusive with me!

Get rid, for your own sanity down the line, please!

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Oh dear god. Stop having these conversations over text. They're a cheap and cheerful way of chickening out of having awkward conversations. Let's be honest here, you were never going to have these conversations face to face with him, were you? I understand that this is the way younger people communicate but it is an appalling way to deal with complex issues. You wouldn't email your boss if you wanted to discuss work issues. So why are you texting this fella instead of talking to him?

OP here. Please don't make assumptions and pretend you know me. It doesn't help. I 100% wanted to meet. He was busy in college and then was sick at the weekend so he couldn't meet up with me. I couldn't wait another week to bring it up. It would have played on my mind 24/7.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Leaving that aside, it's obvious that he isn't interested in you. He likes you to a certain extent and knows what to say to string you along. Nothing in his actions show that he wants anything more serious. You're "Miss Will Do For Now", not "Miss Right". If he went onto Tinder genuinely hoping to find a girlfriend, he hasn't found her yet. Hence that continual updating of his profile and unwillingness to stop using Tinder and to give you and him a go. Disabling/deleting Tinder for a while isn't like asking for him to donate an organ or a marriage proposal. Would wanting to give things a go be really that big a deal if he liked you? As somebody else said already, it really shouldn't be this hard.

I figure that now. He was sending me mixed messages by saying he liked me, wanted to get to know me better and introducing me to his friends just the week before and I hoped for the best.

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I thought the same. The OP isn't even his number 1 option, she's the one he calls when the others are busy. Sorry OP but he was never interested in anything more than what he was already offering. Your debasing yourself to keep hanging around hoping for crumbs from his table.

I can clear this up a bit. He was on holidays for two weeks in that period, had started college (which is 3 nights a week) and had relatives visiting. I would have liked to see him more, of course, but there's no avoiding other commitments.

Cutie 3.14 wrote: »

I never reply to threads in this forum but when I saw he manipulated the situation into HIM being the aggrieved one it just jumped out at me. My ex did the same thing, something would be bothering me and when I tried to bring it up he would turn it around onto me and by the end of the conversation I would be the one apologising to him!!

I hope I'm overreacting and he is using 'innocent' deflection to avoid the awkward 'I'm just not that into you' conversation, but I dont think I am. Hes not your knight in shining armour, hes not going to be the love of your life, hes already wrecking your head. Forget about him.

When I did confront him about it, I initially thought I was being over the top seeing as we weren't dating that long. I was worried he started to think that I was treating it as though were in a long-term committed relationship, considering how relaxed he is about dating in general.

I do think that he has a different approach to dating. Some might read this as "cheating", but I didn't think that, just that he doesn't follow any perceived dating rules. For instance, he introduced me to his friends after about 4 or 5 weeks of dating, which I thought was very soon but he thought nothing of it.

The reason I got so caught up in this is not because I was falling for him, but that it's been so long since I've dated someone I felt so relaxed with (until the end!). It was nice to have someone to talk to, meet for a coffee and just be comfortable around. I had the opportunity to keep this in my life by staying in contact, purely platonic, but I reluctantly turned it down.

Now my mind is wondering whether I should block him from every app and never speak to him again. I don't like doing that to any of my exes because it feels like you're cutting a close friend out of your life forever.

I know you will all reprimand me for saying this, but I do hope he reaches out when college is over and gets his dating priorities right, or figures out if he liked me enough to pursue seriously. I am certainly not waiting for him and have already organised a date with another guy this week!

lunamoon

bleeper91 wrote: »

I know you will all reprimand me for saying this, but I do hope he reaches out when college is over and gets his dating priorities right, or figures out if he liked me enough to pursue seriously. I am certainly not waiting for him and have already organised a date with another guy this week!

I hope for your sake he doesn't contact you again when college is over. Never be someones second best or second choice.

zapper55

He's not an ex, you guys were barely going out. As for not seeing a close friend again?! You've built a fantasy of this guy in your head. Your intensity is prob pretty obvious to him.

I'm saying this to you because what's going to happen is that you are going to carry a torch for him for years. You'll let him.know you are dating to make him jealous but he wont care, prob be amused that you are even still contacting him. He'll eventually marry someone else and even then you'll prob think he'll come to his senses eventually.

All those excuses he gave you? None of them would matter if he was into you. But he isn't.

I hope you dont waste years pining for him.

bitofabind

“Different approach to dating”? OP, you’re not even fooling yourself with that bs. Come on now.

He’s not into you and he’s a messer. He’ll mess around on tinder for however long going on date after date and then he’ll meet the perfect woman for him and be off it like a shot and marry her within a year or two. I see it all the time. This is how men behave when someone is right for them. They stop misbehaving and get their sh1t together. Until that happens, some of them will take this “different approach to dating.”

Stop being an eejit. You are actively causing yourself pain with your own bs. Cutting out exes and guys that aren’t respecting you is not “losing close friends” it’s having boundaries. It’s what healthy people do. Will you be sad and lonely for a while, yes. Will you die of loneliness, no. You’ll move on and learn how you need to be treated with the next guy who inevitably comes along, because they always do.

Scarinae

bleeper91 wrote: »

Now my mind is wondering whether I should block him from every app and never speak to him again. I don't like doing that to any of my exes because it feels like you're cutting a close friend out of your life forever.

He isn't your ex though - he is a guy you went on eight dates with and never slept with. How is it cutting a close friend out of your life forever? I doubt he considers what you had to be a relationship, or considers you to be an ex.

bleeper91 wrote: »

I know you will all reprimand me for saying this, but I do hope he reaches out when college is over and gets his dating priorities right, or figures out if he liked me enough to pursue seriously. I am certainly not waiting for him and have already organised a date with another guy this week!

I'm glad you're arranging dates with other people but I hope you're not going to carry a torch for this guy for years, hoping that he's going to get back in touch and suddenly want a relationship with you.

This stuff he's said about being too 'busy' for a relationship 'right now' is just a way of keeping you dangling so he has a backup option when there is nobody else around. He's in college and has a job - so what? That is very common, I worked when I was in college. Lots of people are incredibly busy and manage to maintain relationships at the same time. He would make time for the right person. What he really means is that he doesn't like you enough to make the time for you.

LegacyUser

I'd agree with the advice you've been given here, OP. I've said it plenty of times on this forum and I'll say it again: when someone is truly into you there is no "I'm too busy", "I want to focus on me right now", "I'm not ready to commit" etc. When someone is truly into you they want to be with you, spend time with you, learn all about you. There is no "did he mean x when he said y, or maybe he meant z". It's all so wonderfully straight forward and uncomplicated and EASY! It's been my experience that anything which starts off as complicated or heavy or head melting never, ever goes the distance. It can't, because there has been too much messing about.

I think most of us have been where you are, and we recognise all the signs - you say you're going on a date, but let's face it, you're most likely going to be hoping Mr Uninterested is suddenly going to be interested. He won't. Not until he's bored or lonely and then you'll hear from him, but it won't be a genuine interest on his part.

Block him - there is no friendship nor relationship to worry about as you had neither with him. Move on for yourself. Easier said than done, believe me I know, but you'll feel better for it in the long run.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

When I first got together with my OH, he was doing a 40hr p/week internship in Dublin, and a shift in a bar at home in Clare most weekends. I was finishing up my MA in Galway, also working part time, and living with my friend who was a single mother and helping out with child care. My OH's mother was recovering from surgery. We were both not long out of long term relationships which ended badly.

The thought of being "too busy" to be with each other occurred to neither of us. The recent break ups did give me pause, I'd made up my mind to stay single for a while after a couple of brief casual relationships, he'd sworn off romance altogether. But, the strength of feeling and attraction between us just obliterated those (really very reasonable) concerns.

There is no such thing as being absolutely too busy to be with someone. There is such a thing as being too busy to bother with someone you're not that fussed about.

Girl, he's not an ex, he's not a close friend and he IS. NOT. INTO YOU. You have to just accept that for what it is and move on. Don't hold out hope, there isn't any. This doesn't mean you're not attractive or worthy or anything, it's just two people with different wants and different feelings and one of them is exploiting the situation. In three months time he probably couldn't pick you out of a line up, do not pour any more of your head or heart into this black hole, you're not going to get anything back out of it.

NewMan1982

A bloke introducing a girl to his friends means nothing.

LegacyUser

OP here. I didn't realise my post would receive such an intense response! I guess it's good in a way.

For those of you saying that you hope I won't be pining over him, do not worry, I won't be. I think what I'm going through is more a loss of having someone to talk to. I think I said it before, but I hadn't yet gotten attached to him. In my own mind I had my doubts whether we were suited for each other, but I enjoyed his company and was willing to give it a chance. I think he was in the same place, but felt it wasn't worthwhile.

Also, maybe "ex" was the wrong word to use! It was easier than saying "someone who I dated for a while".

Two things that struck me from the latest comments are:
1. Being busy is never an excuse
2. Introducing someone you're seeing to your friends means nothing

I may be the odd one, but I don't think I'd agree with either of those statements!

Honeydew3456

Block and move on. You will have forgotten about him in a week or two.

Ursus Horribilis

I think your thread got this reaction because many of us have been you in some form of another. It'd be interesting if you looked back at this in 10 years town and still disagree with the meeting friends/busy thing.

leggo

I think a good lesson you could take from this is that you can't always gauge someone's interest based on your own values. I'd be similar to yourself in that, if I'd be introducing someone to mates, it'd be from the perspective of "I want you to get to know this person, as I like them and hope they'll be a future part of my life. But also I want you to spot anything I'm missing here because I'm loved up!"

For others, it can be "Check out the girl I'm riding!" Others it can be just showing off because they always have different girls around. Or, if they're particularly mean, they could be making fun of the person they're introducing like "Can you believe this sap thinks we're something special?" I've seen all scenarios played out before personally. And you can't say that just because you feel this way means that others will too, do you see how that's a bit naïve and leaves yourself open to be surprised/hurt?

As regards being busy: my daily schedule is mental, seriously. 5am starts most days then I might get home around 11pm (and even then many days I just start working from home until I pass out). I'd put it up against anyone including this lad. And it's very easy to use as an excuse when I'm not mad about someone I'd be texting, simply because they're experiencing it even when I do like them by being frequently unavailable to text etc. But, miraculously, when someone comes along that I really like (every single time) I'm able to find those little slots in the calendar that make it work. It might feel better to tell yourself that that's not the case, but instead of seeing it as a rejection, just see it as being one of those things, because it really is the case and you'll hear anecdotes like my own time-after-time.

Scarinae

bleeper91 wrote: »

Two things that struck me from the latest comments are:
1. Being busy is never an excuse
2. Introducing someone you're seeing to your friends means nothing

I may be the odd one, but I don't think I'd agree with either of those statements!

I was one of the ones who made this point, and I still stand by it. There are plenty of people who are unbelievably busy who form and maintain relationships because they make the time to do it.

Think of it this way - if he is too busy for a relationship, then why is he updating his Tinder profile so frequently? That's what your very first post in this thread is about.

bitofabind

I work 60 hours a week and travel about 8 times a month. In the little spare time I have I’ll prioritise fitness classes and getting chores done. I’m “too busy” if someone isn’t really a priority. Never too busy if my family or close friends are relying on me. Never too busy if I see a future with someone.

Leggo makes a god point about projecting your values on someone else. We all do this. “If I introduced someone to my friends it would mean X, Y and Z...” You’re not him though. Look for consistency between words and actions. Look for someone who reaches for you consistently and unprompted. Look for someone that makes plans and follows through. If you don’t see that, don’t prioritise them.

Ursus Horribilis

Scarinae wrote: »

Think of it this way - if he is too busy for a relationship, then why is he updating his Tinder profile so frequently? That's what your very first post in this thread is about.

Or indeed, why is he on it at all if he's supposedly looking for a girlfriend but has no time to spend with her.

milli milli

Just collating some great advice that really should be written in stone and should be shown to every teenage girl (and/or boy, but it’s usually girls who need this) to save years of heartache and tears:

- Dating shouldn’t be hard.
if two people are into each other, it will be easy, plans get made, they keep each other in the loop if anything changes. It tends to move at a nice pace.
There will be no real drama or investigating to see if one likes the other. It is mostly obvious.

- Actions trump words
It’s hard but don’t fall for ‘sweet nothings’ if the actions don’t match, because that’s all they are - ‘nothing’

- I’m not ready for a relationship
- I’m busy with college/work/world domination
- Let’s not label things, etc
All Code for ‘I’m not that into you.’

Years ago I read somewhere, that if you saw a gold bar on the ground, what would you do? Would you take your time and decide whether to pick it up or not, would you go away and ask your friends should you pick it up, would you walk down another street to see maybe if there is a bigger gold bar down that street?
No, you’d pick that s**t up, because it’s gold!

You are gold! You should be snapped up! Know your value. Don’t be letting some messer ‘hmm and haw‘ over whether to choose you or not!

Please for your own sake, get to a place in your head, where if some person doesn’t value you after X amount of time of getting to know you, you drop them like a ton of bricks. There’s plenty of people out there who will snap you up, don’t be depriving those people of you!