Dating a guy who regularly updates his Tinder profile

bitofabind · 17-09-2019 07:27PM

Maybe he’s not looking for something serious. Maybe he’s got that kid in a candy store mindset that many men develop when using the apps. Maybe maybe maybe.

Talk to him OP. Asking him what he’s in the market for isn’t akin to asking his hand in marriage. It’s being an adult and making sure you don’t waste time on someone who wants different things to you. A simple “where’s your head at with dating at the moment? Are you just taking it casually or open to something more long term?”

LegacyUser · 17-09-2019 10:20PM

OP here. I took some of your advice, in a round about way, and playfully suggested he was seeing other people. He said something along the lines of "do you think I'm dating other people"? I mentioned Tinder, but I also said that we aren't anything official so it's none of my business if you are dating other people and he's entitled to. He said that he isn't seeing anyone else and that he would expect that anyone he's dating isn't sleeping with anyone else either.

I was reassured, for a while, but since this conversation we had, he updated his Tinder profile again with more photos! I'm really confused now. I think maybe he forgot our conversation, as we both had a lot of drink consumed at the time (he did forget other things that night).

I'm getting mixed messages because he says that we click, wants to spend time with me and I've even met some of his friends already (his suggestion). The only other logical reason I can think of for him doing this is that sometimes I give off the vibe that I'm not interested, and he might be keeping his options open. I usually keep my feelings to myself, to my own detriment at times. He might think it's not going anywhere, which I could understand from some of my actions. He did say that I'm hard to read, which many a guy I've dated have told me.

I'm really confused. If I ask him if he's looking for something serious or casual, or ask why is he still updating Tinder, I'm worried I'm coming off as too keen or even jealous. But maybe I'm not showing enough interest and it's pushing him away. I feel like it's a catch 22 situation.

Objectively, asking him seems like the logical way to go, but I know he'll just say that I'm overthinking things, which in all honesty, I do all the time. How do I respond to that?

Xterminator · 18-09-2019 09:17AM

my advice is simple.

don't be a passenger in your own life, hoping your relationship goes in the right direction. Grab life by the scruff and be proactive. If you happen to come across as assertive and this one runs away because you overwhelm him ... chalk it up to experience.

Dial Hard · 18-09-2019 09:44AM

Jesus christ, just ask him if he wants to be exclusive! The worst he can say is no, and either way you have your answer. Win-win.

leggo · 18-09-2019 11:14AM

With that update, I’m starting to think he’s keeping his options open but doesn’t want you to. The language “I don’t expect anyone I’m seeing to be sleeping with anyone else” is a bit alarm-belly, coupled with still updating his Tinder. There’s a disconnect there and I wouldn’t overthink it like “Oh he’s SO interested in me he’s doing this...” That’s naive. When you’re interested, you’re interested and it’s easy, no messing about or doubts or contradictions.

zapper55 · 18-09-2019 11:21AM

Ah ffs. His response was pathetic. He's not that into you. One thing I've learnt with dating is that you wont scare the right guy off by asking where it's going. But you will with the wishy washy keep his options open one.

Just lay your cards on the table, not the vague back and forth drunken conversation you had.

If he says you are overthinking it, you've gotten your answer. Just walk. Dating shouldn't be this complicated.

Green&Red · 18-09-2019 11:26AM

Wouldn’t agree with that at all

The lad has clearly said he’s not dating anyone else and that he doesn’t expect someone he’s dating (I.e. the OP) to be sleeping with anyone else
That’s as clear as he can be FFS

OP if it bothers you that much say it to him again sober, “I don’t get why you’re updating your tinder profile”

Calypso Realm · 18-09-2019 11:41AM

Oh dear OP. With that conversation, all you've done is given HIM reassurance you're not seeing anyone else (I'm sure it's crossed his mind at some point) while giving him carte blanche to see others! Or at least keep looking! Essentially you've removed any reason he might have to step up his game, since he now knows there's little risk of losing you!

It was an ideal opportunity for him to bring up the talk, but he didn't. He's definitely keeping his options open. Sorry.

And you should be too!

Xterminator · 18-09-2019 12:43PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

It was an ideal opportunity for him to bring up the talk, but he didn't. He's definitely keeping his options open. Sorry.

the gender bias is alive and well i see.

It was a great opportunity for both of them to bring up the talk. Neither did. Both are 'keeping their options open'!

Ursus Horribilis · 18-09-2019 01:18PM

What are you on about? Gender bias my foot.

Calypso Realm · 18-09-2019 01:37PM

Xterminator wrote: »

the gender bias is alive and well i see.
'!

Gender bias has nothing to do with it since I was commenting specifically on HIS response to OP's efforts to gain some clarity on the situation.

facehugger99 · 18-09-2019 01:50PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

It was an ideal opportunity for him to bring up the talk,

Glad we didn't have such nonsense when I was single - Life was simpler 20 years ago.

leggo · 18-09-2019 04:07PM

facehugger99 wrote: »

Glad we didn't have such nonsense when I was single - Life was simpler 20 years ago.

Yeah when everyone was forced to marry someone if they got them pregnant and it was illegal to be gay! Nowadays people have to talk about things maturely, ew.

facehugger99 · 18-09-2019 04:28PM

leggo wrote: »

Yeah when everyone was forced to marry someone if they got them pregnant and it was illegal to be gay! Nowadays people have to talk about things maturely, ew.

You have strange views on what 1999 was like - maybe a bit more reading and a bit less ranting on the internet are required?

woodchuck · 18-09-2019 04:31PM

Mod note:

leggo, facehugger99 - knock it off please. Only post if you have advice to offer the OP.

bitofabind · 18-09-2019 07:10PM

You sending mixed messages and saying effectively "it's grand if you're seeing other people sure we're both single!" is not helping. It's not grand because you like him and don't like the idea that he's seemingly still putting himself out there to meet other women.

own those feelings and learn how to communicate them. It doesn't make you psycho or an over-thinker. it makes you a woman who's into someone and wants to know what the score is before you invest further. very reasonable thing to do. It's a responsible way to behave while dating that will prevent you from heartbreak or wasting time on the wrong guys.

"we spoke about this the other night but we were both a bit hammered. what are your thoughts on dating at the moment? i'm enjoying your company and it's early days so happy to take things slowly. i've noticed you're active on tinder though, so was curious about your thoughts on the whole thing?"

One thing to note is that in general, if someone likes you, you can't really "say the wrong thing" here. You portraying that you kind of like him too is something he'll see as an opportunity to move things forward or to reassure you he's on the same page, unless he isn't. So it's win win.

LegacyUser · 18-09-2019 10:13PM

bitofabind wrote: »

You sending mixed messages and saying effectively "it's grand if you're seeing other people sure we're both single!" is not helping. It's not grand because you like him and don't like the idea that he's seemingly still putting himself out there to meet other women.

OP here. That's true, I wouldn't be fine with it, but I don't think anyone would be fine with it at any stage of dating, even at the start!

bitofabind wrote: »

own those feelings and learn how to communicate them. It doesn't make you psycho or an over-thinker. it makes you a woman who's into someone and wants to know what the score is before you invest further. very reasonable thing to do. It's a responsible way to behave while dating that will prevent you from heartbreak or wasting time on the wrong guys.

I think I have a fear of overexposing myself. I don't know why, I keep everything bottled up, maybe because I'm usually uncertain of my own feelings.

bitofabind wrote: »

"we spoke about this the other night but we were both a bit hammered. what are your thoughts on dating at the moment? i'm enjoying your company and it's early days so happy to take things slowly. i've noticed you're active on tinder though, so was curious about your thoughts on the whole thing?"

This is great. It seems so simple when you say it out loud, but for some reason I couldn't put anything into words. I'm pretty sure I'll say this to him the next time I see him.

bitofabind wrote: »

One thing to note is that in general, if someone likes you, you can't really "say the wrong thing" here. You portraying that you kind of like him too is something he'll see as an opportunity to move things forward or to reassure you he's on the same page, unless he isn't. So it's win win.

I've been in the position where a guy told me he was in love with me when I wasn't there and I just felt terrible. I think from that experience I didn't want to go through that kind of rejection (even though I know it's not rejection, but it feels that way). Opening myself up like that is difficult, but I think it's what I need to do move on in relationships. Thank you.

LegacyUser · 22-09-2019 10:36PM

OP here. Just giving an update on the above.

I confronted him about it, unfortunately over texts instead of face to face, but was the only option available to me this weekend.

We had a conversation about where he thinks we were at, relationship wise. He said we're taking it slow, but would like to get to know me better and see more of me. We messaged at length and thought this was a good sign. I didn't specifically mention Tinder as didn't think it was appropriate at the time.

Then comes today, when I saw that he updated his profile again! I said to him that I saw him putting new photos on his Tinder profile and don't want to be strung along if he's not that interested. He said that he explained himself already and that we're both active on Tinder and thought nothing of it. He also said that he doesn't think that we are far enough along in the relationship yet to be deleting dating apps.

I think a big factor for him is sex. We haven't had sex yet, just fooled around in bed. I think this is a big part of a relationship for him, which I can understand, which is the case for many. I can be conservative, or even choosey, with who or when I have sex.

He never saw our differences as a problem, but he now thinks that because of my questioning and doubting his intents that maybe I don't think it'll work, and that I in fact think we're incompatible.

I'm truly willing to give it a shot. It may require me to become a bit more relaxed in myself, which is a person I want to become. But now he's gone off to think about things and I fear I've driven him away with my overthinking.

Is there anything I should say to limit the damage? I only wanted to be sure he was truly interested, which he is, but now I think he'll end things because of he thinks I think we're incompatible.

I don't want to throw away yet another relationship for a miscommunication. I really need advice!

woodchuck · 23-09-2019 09:43AM

OP it obviously would've been better to have this conversation in person than over text. But at least you have a better idea of where he stands now.

For me, the bottom line is that he's still active on Tinder, which he freely admits and plans to continue. After 5-6 weeks, if he was that into you, he wouldn't be keeping his options open. He should have a pretty good idea at this stage whether or not he wants give it a proper (exclusive) try with you and his answer is no.

I'm sorry to say it, but I think it's time to let this one go. He's just stringing you along at this stage.

Green&Red · 23-09-2019 10:16AM

OP, it might be easier said than done but try and relax.
It sounds like he’s being reasonable, you asked him and he gave you a straight answer, if he was hiding something then he wouldn’t be so straight with you

bitofabind · 23-09-2019 10:33AM

i don't like the sound of this at all.

somehow the fact of him updating his tinder every five minutes despite telling you he's into you and "taking it slow" has become an issue of YOU being at fault?? that's impressive mental gymnastics and dare i say it, emotional manipulation. like "i'll do what i want to do and if you don't like it it's because your feelings are invalid".

you're allowed to think him updating tinder every day is out of sync with him being really into you because it is. thats words not matching actions. i've been on tinder and no-one updates their profile at such an alarming rate! most people check in a few times a day, unless they're building some kind of dating funnel to keep the fun times rolling.

and secondly, the fact that he's making you feel guilty for being 'incompatible' because you havent already slept with him despite him giving you NO reassurance WHATSOEVER that there's even a relationship at the end of it for you, is a major red flag.

off with him to "think about things" - sounds like a total bs excuse on his part to swerve his way out of any commitment to you. a nice get-out-of-jail-free card for him where he doesn't have to address his behaviour and gets to make you feel like you should change yours.

Xterminator · 23-09-2019 10:45AM

Hi Op

i would have bit my tongue until i was face to face if it were in your shoes.its just that face to face carries all the non verbal cues so you can deal with a thorny issue and see what the other person is not saying to an extent, as well as what they are saying.

I think he had a fair point that before he does the whole deleting his profile off tinder he would at least like to be sure of some level of sexual compatibility. Your also entitled to not want to get intimate unless in a committed relationship, neither point of view is wrong, but it is a good indication that you were both far from 'on the same page' and the underlying issue would appear to be communication, and fear of saying whats on your mind face to face.

IMO coupples who deal with issues well are strong lasting couples. So my advice would be to get together and tell him you want to give it a try, and see if he feels the same. if he does work through the issues and try improve the trust levels.

Ursus Horribilis · 23-09-2019 11:50AM

I think if you'd had this conversation face to face, you'd be less confused than you are now. Texts are horrendous for dealing with this sort of issue. It gives everyone time to consider what they write and you lose out on the human interaction side of things. You don't get the finer nuances over text. If you are to have another conversation about this, don't do it over text.

Looking at what he has to say, I think he isn't really into you. You've been out on enough dates for him to have an idea whether he'd like to give this a go or not. I assume that if he made more positive noises, you'd happily put Tinder aside and see how things work out.
I've never used Tinder so I don't know the finer details of it. But I assume that you can deactivate it for a while and that setting it up again isn't that big a deal? It's not as if you're proposing marriage or anything. He sounds like he's afraid he'll miss out on someone he likes better if he puts Tinder to one side for a while.

Instead of interpreting your question about his active updating of Tinder as a signal that there's a potential relationship here, he's attacking back. That's not a good sign. Maybe it's just as well you haven't had sex with him.

leggo · 23-09-2019 01:05PM

bitofabind wrote: »

i don't like the sound of this at all.

somehow the fact of him updating his tinder every five minutes despite telling you he's into you and "taking it slow" has become an issue of YOU being at fault?? that's impressive mental gymnastics and dare i say it, emotional manipulation. like "i'll do what i want to do and if you don't like it it's because your feelings are invalid".

you're allowed to think him updating tinder every day is out of sync with him being really into you because it is. thats words not matching actions. i've been on tinder and no-one updates their profile at such an alarming rate! most people check in a few times a day, unless they're building some kind of dating funnel to keep the fun times rolling.

and secondly, the fact that he's making you feel guilty for being 'incompatible' because you havent already slept with him despite him giving you NO reassurance WHATSOEVER that there's even a relationship at the end of it for you, is a major red flag.

off with him to "think about things" - sounds like a total bs excuse on his part to swerve his way out of any commitment to you. a nice get-out-of-jail-free card for him where he doesn't have to address his behaviour and gets to make you feel like you should change yours.

Yeah, all of this sadly. It reads pretty clearly on paper but then you go into wild assumptions directing you towards what you want to believe when it doesn’t really connect with what he’s saying to you, i.e. it’s because you didn’t have sex. Then even wilder conclusions on what to do next, i.e. doubling down and deciding you want to give it a go off the back of a confusing conversation where he didn’t even nearly tell you what you hoped to hear. OP I’m sorry but you’re connecting the dots wrongly in your head because you like this guy and all signs so far point to nothing more than you getting hurt here.

lainey_d_123 · 23-09-2019 02:50PM

bitofabind wrote: »

i don't like the sound of this at all.

somehow the fact of him updating his tinder every five minutes despite telling you he's into you and "taking it slow" has become an issue of YOU being at fault?? that's impressive mental gymnastics and dare i say it, emotional manipulation. like "i'll do what i want to do and if you don't like it it's because your feelings are invalid".

Agree 100%.

you're allowed to think him updating tinder every day is out of sync with him being really into you because it is. thats words not matching actions. i've been on tinder and no-one updates their profile at such an alarming rate! most people check in a few times a day, unless they're building some kind of dating funnel to keep the fun times rolling.

and secondly, the fact that he's making you feel guilty for being 'incompatible' because you havent already slept with him despite him giving you NO reassurance WHATSOEVER that there's even a relationship at the end of it for you, is a major red flag.

Exactly. There isn't a relationship at the end of it, IMO. He's happy to act like there is to string her along and get laid.

off with him to "think about things" - sounds like a total bs excuse on his part to swerve his way out of any commitment to you. a nice get-out-of-jail-free card for him where he doesn't have to address his behaviour and gets to make you feel like you should change yours.

100%. These men are ten a penny on Tinder. Total manipulators who just want quick and easy shags. OP is proving a bit too difficult. Why would he make any effort with her when there are so many other women willing to sleep with him commitment free? If he actually liked her, he'd have no problem getting of Tinder. It's an app, for crying out loud. He could delete it AND have it back again in under a minute. It's not some massive commitment to stop using it and see where dating OP goes. He can't even manage that.

Mr. Incognito · 23-09-2019 03:57PM

You haven't had sex.

Have you told him you want a monogomous relationship?

It's very easy. Pick up the phone. Call him. Tell him you like him and you want to give it a go.

If you dont thats not his fault for not being a mind reader.

If he is ambivelent or unequivicol then tell him that you are not interested in seeing other people and if he doest feel the same you will have to put a cork in it.

Calypso Realm · 23-09-2019 04:51PM

bleeper91 wrote: »

I'm truly willing to give it a shot. It may require me to become a bit more relaxed in myself, which is a person I want to become. But now he's gone off to think about things and I fear I've driven him away with my overthinking.

Is there anything I should say to limit the damage? I only wanted to be sure he was truly interested, which he is, but now I think he'll end things because of he thinks I think we're incompatible.
!

NO,no and no OP, I can guarantee 100% a guy who was truly interested in progressing things with you, would not have been 'driven away' by what you said to him! He'd have done all in his power to reassure you and stepped up!

Your new update just screams of someone who's keeping his options open (and that includes you at this point) and sadly now you've asked for more (which he's unable and unwilling to give) he's on his way out! Sorry.

In fact, unless he comes back full force, which sorry is unlikely, I would end things now with him, myself. I can't see this ending well.

bitofabind · 23-09-2019 05:33PM

Agree with all of the above, and in fact it's opening my eyes to a similar situation i found myself in a month or two ago - that i posted about here at the time.

i was convinced i needed to apologise to an American guy that pursued the living daylights out of me for weeks, got me to take time off work and commit to a meetup in another country, bailed at the last minute, went silent and then erupted when I expressed genuine disappointment at the whole situation.

i invested time in the guy, developed real feelings for him and suddenly was supposed to be fine about being totally dismissed out of hand and be out of pocket for it - and I was the "bad guy" in that situation?

it's emotional manipulation, just like your fella here. "I'll do and say what I want but the second you try to hold me accountable to the interest / commitment I'm implying - you're being unreasonable and fcuk you!"

stop thinking this is your fault and that your expecting to see some consistency between words and actions makes you some sort of headcase that needs to "relax". No. If he was into you, he'd be mortified that you'd think otherwise and delete the pesky app in about 30 seconds.

lainey_d_123 · 23-09-2019 06:09PM

bitofabind wrote: »

Agree with all of the above, and in fact it's opening my eyes to a similar situation i found myself in a month or two ago - that i posted about here at the time.

i was convinced i needed to apologise to an American guy that pursued the living daylights out of me for weeks, got me to take time off work and commit to a meetup in another country, bailed at the last minute, went silent and then erupted when I expressed genuine disappointment at the whole situation.

i invested time in the guy, developed real feelings for him and suddenly was supposed to be fine about being totally dismissed out of hand and be out of pocket for it - and I was the "bad guy" in that situation?

it's emotional manipulation, just like your fella here. "I'll do and say what I want but the second you try to hold me accountable to the interest / commitment I'm implying - you're being unreasonable and fcuk you!"

stop thinking this is your fault and that your expecting to see some consistency between words and actions makes you some sort of headcase that needs to "relax". No. If he was into you, he'd be mortified that you'd think otherwise and delete the pesky app in about 30 seconds.

Yes. And the refusal to put labels on anything or commit to anything is used as the excuse for totally dropping you like a hot stone at some point. 'But we were never exclusive/in a relationship'. This allows them to believe in their hearts that they've done nothing wrong and are not the horrendous people they are. Mental gymnastics is what it is.

They'll behave as if they are in a relationship and make you feel like you are and basically get the 'girlfriend experience' without actually having to commit to you in any way at all, so that when you actually need them for something, they're not there. Mine ditched me in the middle of a major health scare when I also had major family issues going on.

Long story short - if he's into you, why is he still actively using Tinder that heavily rather than spending that time and energy pursuing you and reassuring you that he wants something serious?

B.A._Baracus · 23-09-2019 06:20PM

You've had a lot of dates with him. It's time that he chooses. Does he want to be with you or still be on the lookout for someone better / next person.

As for lack of sex? If I put myself in his shoes I would be expecting sex to have happened already. But then again I'd want a relationship. I'd be sussing out the other to see if they were were really into me and moving things forward etc.

I certainly wouldn't be updating a tinder profile tho if I liked someone. Not after a month. Not after so many dates.

Dating a guy who regularly updates his Tinder profile

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