Dating a guy who regularly updates his Tinder profile

LegacyUser

Silly question ahead. I'm sure there are many more serious topics on this forum!

I've been dating a guy for 4 weeks now, been on 6 or 7 dates. He's nice and would like to spend more time with him. He seems to be interested in me too, always messaging and arranging future dates.

All is going well, or so I think, but every now and then I notice him updating his dating profile on Tinder. He adds new photos and updates his description pretty regularly. One factor I thought might be leading to this is that he is quite active on social media and loves to post to Instagram nearly daily.

We are not exclusive and obviously I am still browsing Tinder, or else I wouldn't have seen him update his profile! I guess in my own mind I wasn't actively seeking anyone else right now, but with him updating Tinder it seems like he's looking for another option or a backup plan. I understand him being active on Tinder, but would rather not to have evidence he was! Ignorance is bliss I guess.

I would feel silly bringing it up with him because we're not dating for very long. Is this something to worry about, or am I overthinking like I normally do?

He's still in the market and so are you... I don't see the problem?

Caranica

Tinder has an automatic photo selector that updates your photo from time to time based on popularity. Updating his description is different but maybe he's not updating his photo himself?

milli milli

After 6-7 dates I would think you have a good idea of each other and whether you want to be exclusive or not. To be honest after that many dates, and I realized the other person was still ‘looking’, it would be a turn-off for me. It sounds like they are still looking for something else.

But then again I’m not really into multi-dating and I would end it sooner with someone if I wasn’t that into them. But then others are quite happy to date and pass the time and still be on the look-out.

I wouldn’t really want to be bringing up the ‘talk’ but could you say something like ‘I was thinking of deleting my Tinder.’ You could say it whilst looking at your phone, just in passing. A guy once said it to me, ‘need to delete a few apps, I’m losing space on my phone, might get rid of Tinder.’ It was the most natural thing in the world, but it was his way of saying, why do I need Tinder anymore, I’ve found someone.
You could do something like that and gauge their reaction?

woodchuck

I wouldn't specifically bring up the Tinder thing with him. However, do you want to be exclusive? If so, then that's a conversation you need to have. These days it's understandable that people keep their options open in the early days of dating someone new, because so many people end up just ghosting each other. However if you both really like each other and want to give a real shot, then it's worth talking about.

Gerianam

OP, he is clearly keeping his options open. You should do the same.

zapper55

If I really liked someone 4 weeks would be plenty of time for me to get off tinder. However if I was on the fence about them or had been burnt before and was more cautious then 4 weeks wouldn't be enough.

But hes not just on tinder, he's actively updating his profile. That's not the sign of a guy who is really that into you. I'd ask him.

LegacyUser

Once read a comment that really stuck out for me...if what you have to ask 'scares him away' then he was already out the door...basically I used to worry that asking where I stood with a guy would be too intense and be seen as desperate, scaring him off. Biggest lie told to women to keep them passively accepting less than relationship worthy behaviour. Talk to him, but I think actions speak louder and in this case, he sounds like he's not that bothered. Then again, he could be bored and browsing, and a comment from you could make him realise his actions could be having a negative impact on whatever ye have going and decide to delete it himself....either way it's a win

Xterminator

IMO this idea of seeing an activity such as tinder profile change, and then reading his feelings and future intentions into the activity is at the very least a bad idea that will cause you insecurity, and at worst a kind of snooping. It does you no good to speculate on his intentions and could because a self fulfilling prophecy of failure.

If you want to know how he feels about you, ask him. If you want to be an exclusive couple - have the talk. If you want you both to not be active on tinder, discuss it with him.

He could be just as insecure as you. But harbouring negative feelings over an activity he is perfectly entitled to do, and attributing intentions to why he did it ... its just negative energy.

dobman88

You're still using a dating app, he is still using a dating app. Why is it something you need to worry about?

If you had deleted your profile and stopped using the app, I'd say fair enough and talk to him but the fact you're both still on it, you come across as a bit on your high horse wanting him to stop using it while you continue using it.

leggo

Have a conversation and ask him what the story is. Don't come in all guns blazing saying "I saw you updated your Tinder what's up with that???" Just have the chat about how you both think this is going if you're ready yourself. If you're not ready and would like to keep browsing yourself, then you can't be mad at him for feeling the same.

leggo

leggo wrote: »

Have a conversation and ask him what the story is. Don't come in all guns blazing saying "I saw you updated your Tinder what's up with that???" Just have the chat about how you both think this is going if you're ready yourself. If you're not ready and would like to keep browsing yourself, then you can't be mad at him for feeling the same.

His obvious reply is "You're still on it, so I am too".

leggo

I specifically said don’t talk about Tinder.

Also why the assumption that he’s a defensive, avoidant stereotype? There’s literally zero evidence to say that. He could just as easily say “I was thinking the same thing”.

tara73

OP, did you already sleep with him? You don't have to answer here for sure but it's a very important question or subject in this case. As you probably know there are a lot of people on dating apps who are just up for the one thing and these dating apps make it so easy for them and at the same time so difficult for people who are looking for something serious.

I don't understand why people often sleep that quickly with somebody (not saying you have, just speaking in general because it's popping up here very often) they like while hoping for a serious relationship before knowing the other person is interested in the same thing. that complicates and often messes up the whole thing for the person who is seriously interested. but it's their own fault if they have sex without clearing whether the other person is on the same page.

So yes, ask him what he's up to. It's early days and I think that's what bothers you but as situations are as they are these days with people on dating apps, it's very valid to clear the air that early.

lainey_d_123

tara73 wrote: »

OP, did you already sleep with him? You don't have to answer here for sure but it's a very important question or subject in this case. As you probably know there are a lot of people on dating apps who are just up for the one thing and these dating apps make it so easy for them and at the same time so difficult for people who are looking for something serious.

I don't understand why people often sleep that quickly with somebody (not saying you have, just speaking in general because it's popping up here very often) they like while hoping for a serious relationship before knowing the other person is interested in the same thing. that complicates and often messes up the whole thing for the person who is seriously interested. but it's their own fault if they have sex without clearing whether the other person is on the same page.

So yes, ask him what he's up to. It's early days and I think that's what bothers you but as situations are as they are these days with people on dating apps, it's very valid to clear the air that early.

But in fairness, it can seem a bit full-on to start grilling someone on what they're looking for at that stage. Maybe they don't know? What if they say they want a relationship but then change their mind after you've had sex?

The apps combined with awful imported American dating culture have absolutely ruined the natural progression of relationships, IMO. It used to be that you'd meet someone, kiss them, maybe start sleeping with them and after a few weeks of this it would just be a given that you were in an exclusive relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend. Now you could be dating someone who is dating and sleeping with 5 other people and it would be considered grand for them to do that. Ten years ago it would have been considered vile (and IMO, it is).

There's no excitement or natural spontaneity anymore. You either take it easy and have to be OK with the fact that the person you're into might be shagging however many other people, or you grill them about their intentions early on, quite possibly killing a budding relationship in the process.

tara73

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

But in fairness, it can seem a bit full-on to start grilling someone on what they're looking for at that stage. Maybe they don't know? What if they say they want a relationship but then change their mind after you've had sex?
.

It's not about grilling someone, the simple question whether he/she is looking for a proper relationship or not is suffice. And as said, I don't see a reason why not to clear the air in the early days before wasting any time with somebody, or even worse, to get dissappointed and hurt.

I think on the more trustworthy or reputable dating sites you can state in your profile for what your looking for. In general, I wouldn't use Tinder at all when looking for a proper relationship, it seems to be primarily a hook up site.

LegacyUser

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

But in fairness, it can seem a bit full-on to start grilling someone on what they're looking for at that stage. Maybe they don't know? What if they say they want a relationship but then change their mind after you've had sex?

The apps combined with awful imported American dating culture have absolutely ruined the natural progression of relationships, IMO. It used to be that you'd meet someone, kiss them, maybe start sleeping with them and after a few weeks of this it would just be a given that you were in an exclusive relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend. Now you could be dating someone who is dating and sleeping with 5 other people and it would be considered grand for them to do that. Ten years ago it would have been considered vile (and IMO, it is).

There's no excitement or natural spontaneity anymore. You either take it easy and have to be OK with the fact that the person you're into might be shagging however many other people, or you grill them about their intentions early on, quite possibly killing a budding relationship in the process.

i totally agree with this post.

It’s nice to be able to keep your options open and i think that’s a good thing but dating is a game. People are so disposable on apps.

I find the idea of ghosting really horrible/bizarre. Like grown educated adults ghosting after spending a good bit of time with someone is so strange to me.

With regards to that guys profile... I was interested in someone recently and while dating him I kept an eye on the app. i felt like it was probably smart to keep options open and not get too invested but to be honest i had no real interest in seeing others cause i really liked him.

He did make changes to his profile and ended standing me up in the end which felt pretty crap. Anyway that’s just my experience!

leggo

Yeah you can just talk to people like. So many of the issues here would be solved with a chilled, mature conversation, but then when you see some of the responses they see conversation as this extreme thing to be feared. Having a chat about feelings, or lack thereof, all of a sudden becomes a “grilling.”

If you don’t tie your self-esteem somewhat to what people think of you and learn to be happy within yourself without needing others, these conversations are a piece of piss because you can genuinely be chilled about whatever the answers are. You can still have hopes and be disappointed if things don’t work out, but you also don’t need to fear or build them up in your head, because even if it’s not the result you want you still have the person you were happy with to begin with: yourself. Also, avoiding direct conversation and trying to achieve the same end in roundabout ways is game-playing and toxic behaviour.

lainey_d_123

tara73 wrote: »

It's not about grilling someone, the simple question whether he/she is looking for a proper relationship or not is suffice. And as said, I don't see a reason why not to clear the air in the early days before wasting any time with somebody, or even worse, to get dissappointed and hurt.

I think on the more trustworthy or reputable dating sites you can state in your profile for what your looking for. In general, I wouldn't use Tinder at all when looking for a proper relationship, it seems to be primarily a hook up site.

Yes, because nobody has ever misrepresented their intentions on a dating app. :rolleyes: Honestly, some of these comments are so naive. It is honestly a jungle out there. I've encountered quite a few sociopathic men on apps who actively take pleasure from deceiving women and a lot more who consider themselves good people but nevertheless are happy to misrepresent their intentions or even outright lie to get what they want. At the end of the day, most people are just out for themselves.

I've tried being honest and upfront about what I want, and the outcome hasn't really been much different. When I start dating again, I'll probably just go with the flow at the beginning and not put any kind of pressure on and enjoy it for what it is - going out on fun dates, kissing, perhaps sex (would have to be direct here to establish whether or not they're sleeping with others for sexual health reasons) and just see what happens. Maybe it's a personal thing but I'm just not good with any kind of expectation or pressure or forced things, and I find the apps result in all of this.

leggo

We’re veering waaaaaayy away from the OP’s issue now, maybe start your own topic if you’d like to talk?

But consider this: instead of blaming the entire male species, or the internet, perhaps you’re chasing people who just aren’t that into you and that’s the source of your issues. And if someone isn’t into you, it wouldn’t matter if you were talking by Tinder or telegram.

Whenever you blame the world for difficulties you’re having, you’re ****ed because you’re not going to change the world. But if you take responsibility for your own happiness, all of a sudden you can do something about it.

lainey_d_123

leggo wrote: »

We’re veering waaaaaayy away from the OP’s issue now, maybe start your own topic if you’d like to talk?

But consider this: instead of blaming the entire male species, or the internet, perhaps you’re chasing people who just aren’t that into you and that’s the source of your issues. And if someone isn’t into you, it wouldn’t matter if you were talking by Tinder or telegram.

Whenever you blame the world for difficulties you’re having, you’re ****ed because you’re not going to change the world. But if you take responsibility for your own happiness, all of a sudden you can do something about it.

Except we're not because this is the exact issue - how to address remaining on an app when you've been dating someone for a good few weeks and whether to address it at all.

I've never and will never 'chase someone who isn't that into me' but it can actually be the men who do a lot of the running at first who turn out to be the worst ones in the end, because it's all an ego boost for them. In fact, 'very keen' is one of the biggest red flags there is. It can be surprisingly hard to distinguish between someone who genuinely likes you and is excited about starting a relationship and someone who is trying to lovebomb.

Thinking you can ask someone what they're looking for and that this total stranger will have your best intentions at heart and be honest is dangerously naive when it comes to using the apps. Plenty of men have been conditioned to think they can't say they're looking for sex or to be fcukbuddies because women won't go for it, so they lie and pretend they want more. In the end, talk is cheap. People can say anything they want and there are a lot of people who will say whatever they need to say to get what they want. It's that simple. Actions are what counts. If I'm dating someone for several weeks and they're still actively using dating apps, then that to me is a clear sign that they're not very interested. I'm fine with making it clear that I'm no longer using apps and seeing if they mention the same, but the idea that you can just 'simply' ask someone what they're looking for and get an honest answer....just no.

leggo

Did you ever consider you’re chasing the wrong people or repeating a damaging pattern (even without realising)? This one specific circumstance keeps happening to you...meanwhile there are millions of people out there in happy, healthy relationships.

Consider for a moment that you are the only common denominator in all of these circumstances, and the same is true of me and anyone else in patterns we may be unhappy with, it’s not a personal dig. Hold yourself partially responsible for the scenarios you continually find yourself in, figure out why this happens (get external help if need be), then be aware of it and the consequences in moving forward. You’ll find your results and observations may change dramatically.

Or you can continue to give out on boards and blame the entire male species while they all get on with their lives. Are you finding that’s doing anything to improve things?

lainey_d_123

leggo wrote: »

Did you ever consider you’re chasing the wrong people or repeating a damaging pattern (even without realising)? This one specific circumstance keeps happening to you...meanwhile there are millions of people out there in happy, healthy relationships.

I found this was the case when using apps, hence I stopped using them. I have no idea what other people's relationships are like, but given the number of men with serious partners who hit on me at work and in my hobby clubs and complain about their SOs and are blatantly trying to set up some kind of emotional/physical affair, I don't think there are as many of these 'happy, healthy relationships' as you seem to think there are.

Consider for a moment that you are the only common denominator in all of these circumstances, and the same is true of me and anyone else in patterns we may be unhappy with, it’s not a personal dig. Hold yourself partially responsible for the scenarios you continually find yourself in, figure out why this happens (get external help if need be), then be aware of it and the consequences in moving forward. You’ll find your results and observations may change dramatically.

Or you can continue to give out on boards and blame the entire male species while they all get on with their lives. Are you finding that’s doing anything to improve things?

Or you could just not be patronising and accept the fact that a LOT of men on dating apps have no problem misleading and lying to get what they want? This isn't some out-there opinion, it's pretty mainstream and well documented. Criticising individuals for not 'just' asking something directly is unfair. It's far from being that easy and I've explained why. It can often be totally counterproductive or just plain pointless. But sure, you seem to enjoy making personal digs rather than listening to people's lived experiences, so I'll leave you to it.

leggo

I don’t know you or your situation to patronise you and I’ve specifically said my observations aren’t personal. I simply disagree and am suggesting that your beliefs that all men are evil manipulators out for one thing may be holding you back as a single woman hoping to meet a decent man. Like if I based my opinions of women on my worst dating app interactions, I could surmise that ‘all’ women have low self-esteem, are on the defensive right away, need to work on their attachment styles and respond to any positive interactions by becoming way too invested too quickly and putting me off because of how desperate and unhealthy that is. Then they can’t deal with rejection and get crazy (in the past month alone a girl I went on 2-3 dates with poured bleach on my toothbrush).

Would that generalisation represent you and other women you know who’ve used apps? I could choose to believe it if I needed to make myself feel better, but it would be total BS and self-harm to do so right? I’d sooner learn lessons and avoid someone who reminds me of that girl next time around. It’s the more productive route than getting bitter and pissing away my 30’s being a victim and moaning about a few bad experiences.

Anyway this is all totally off-topic so let’s get back to the OP, we can discuss further if you wanna start your own thread.

lainey_d_123

leggo wrote: »

I don’t know you or your situation to patronise you and I’ve specifically said my observations aren’t personal. I simply disagree and am suggesting that your beliefs that all men are evil manipulators out for one thing may be holding you back as a single woman hoping to meet a decent man. Like if I based my opinions of women on my worst dating app interactions, I could surmise that ‘all’ women have low self-esteem, are on the defensive right away, need to work on their attachment styles and respond to any positive interactions by becoming way too invested too quickly and putting me off because of how desperate and unhealthy that is. Then they can’t deal with rejection and get crazy (in the past month alone a girl I went on 2-3 dates with poured bleach on my toothbrush).

And as a woman who used dating apps quite a bit, I'd say I know a lot more about it than you do, so why do you keep dismissing my lived experiences? I'm simply saying that a lot of men on apps are out for one thing and a lot of them will say whatever they need to say to get it. That's simply a fact. I never said all men are evil manipulators - now YOU are being dramatic and using hyperbole.

You seem to be intent on victim blaming and making out that I'm doing something wrong - no, this is simply the reality of using the apps. They are no place for anyone who is vulnerable or desperately looking for something real. You really do need to be switched on and somewhat detached and really take it all with a grain of salt. The reality is that a lot of men simply aren't willing to be honest if they're just looking for a hookup and will pretend they want more when they don't. So asking what they're looking for is pretty redundant. I've found that it's far better to just judge people by their actions rather than their words. If they're in contact a lot (but not overbearingly so), keen to arrange future dates, interested in your life, they're all good signs that they're not just after sex.

Would that generalisation represent you and other women you know who’ve used apps? I could choose to believe it if I needed to make myself feel better, but it would be total BS and self-harm to do so right? I’d sooner learn lessons and avoid someone who reminds me of that girl next time around. It’s the more productive route than getting bitter and pissing away my 30’s being a victim and moaning about a few bad experiences.

Anyway this is all totally off-topic so let’s get back to the OP, we can discuss further if you wanna start your own thread.

Yes, it would. I'm trying to give OP some advice about the question she asked about how to deal with the situation. You're dragging the thread off topic with your snide personal insults and condescension.

leggo

Lainey: “You’re being dramatic and using hyperbole.”

Lainey’s next sentence: “You’re victim blaming.” :rolleyes:

Let it go Lainey. This isn’t about you or me. There’s a whole forum here if you want to discuss your issues with men, let the OP have her topic.

ILoveYourVibes

He is dating other people.

I wouldn't react to it right now. But i wouldn't sleep with him until he has it deleted and he is committed to you either. If he goes expecting sex with no relationship perhaps move on you are on different pages.

Homelander

After 6 or 7 dates, just still having or looking at Tinder is fine, but actively updating your bio and photos most definitely suggests you're not that into the person, are not looking for anything serious, or are looking for something better. I don't think it's a good sign at all for a serious relationship.

sallyanne12

dobman88 wrote: »

You're still using a dating app, he is still using a dating app. Why is it something you need to worry about?

If you had deleted your profile and stopped using the app, I'd say fair enough and talk to him but the fact you're both still on it, you come across as a bit on your high horse wanting him to stop using it while you continue using it.

Ah but OP is only using it to check if he's using it... she's not chasing other men. Don't see how she's on a high horse

Xterminator

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Ah but OP is only using it to check if he's using it... she's not chasing other men. Don't see how she's on a high horse

LOL you forgot to add /S at the end of your sentence.


i was only checking my tinder to see if you were checking yours ..... indeed!

Homelander

Xterminator wrote: »

i was only checking my tinder to see if you were checking yours ..... indeed!

Stop being willfully dense. There's a world of difference between simply looking, and actively using, updating photos, updating your bio.

"The guy I've been on 7 dates with still has Tinder installed" - perfectly fine.

"The guy I've been seeing still actively uses Tinder, updates his info and photos after 7 dates" - clearly he's not that interested.

bitofabind

Maybe he’s not looking for something serious. Maybe he’s got that kid in a candy store mindset that many men develop when using the apps. Maybe maybe maybe.

Talk to him OP. Asking him what he’s in the market for isn’t akin to asking his hand in marriage. It’s being an adult and making sure you don’t waste time on someone who wants different things to you. A simple “where’s your head at with dating at the moment? Are you just taking it casually or open to something more long term?”

LegacyUser

OP here. I took some of your advice, in a round about way, and playfully suggested he was seeing other people. He said something along the lines of "do you think I'm dating other people"? I mentioned Tinder, but I also said that we aren't anything official so it's none of my business if you are dating other people and he's entitled to. He said that he isn't seeing anyone else and that he would expect that anyone he's dating isn't sleeping with anyone else either.

I was reassured, for a while, but since this conversation we had, he updated his Tinder profile again with more photos! I'm really confused now. I think maybe he forgot our conversation, as we both had a lot of drink consumed at the time (he did forget other things that night).

I'm getting mixed messages because he says that we click, wants to spend time with me and I've even met some of his friends already (his suggestion). The only other logical reason I can think of for him doing this is that sometimes I give off the vibe that I'm not interested, and he might be keeping his options open. I usually keep my feelings to myself, to my own detriment at times. He might think it's not going anywhere, which I could understand from some of my actions. He did say that I'm hard to read, which many a guy I've dated have told me.

I'm really confused. If I ask him if he's looking for something serious or casual, or ask why is he still updating Tinder, I'm worried I'm coming off as too keen or even jealous. But maybe I'm not showing enough interest and it's pushing him away. I feel like it's a catch 22 situation.

Objectively, asking him seems like the logical way to go, but I know he'll just say that I'm overthinking things, which in all honesty, I do all the time. How do I respond to that?

Xterminator

my advice is simple.

don't be a passenger in your own life, hoping your relationship goes in the right direction. Grab life by the scruff and be proactive. If you happen to come across as assertive and this one runs away because you overwhelm him ... chalk it up to experience.

Dial Hard

Jesus christ, just ask him if he wants to be exclusive! The worst he can say is no, and either way you have your answer. Win-win.

leggo

With that update, I’m starting to think he’s keeping his options open but doesn’t want you to. The language “I don’t expect anyone I’m seeing to be sleeping with anyone else” is a bit alarm-belly, coupled with still updating his Tinder. There’s a disconnect there and I wouldn’t overthink it like “Oh he’s SO interested in me he’s doing this...” That’s naive. When you’re interested, you’re interested and it’s easy, no messing about or doubts or contradictions.

zapper55

Ah ffs. His response was pathetic. He's not that into you. One thing I've learnt with dating is that you wont scare the right guy off by asking where it's going. But you will with the wishy washy keep his options open one.

Just lay your cards on the table, not the vague back and forth drunken conversation you had.

If he says you are overthinking it, you've gotten your answer. Just walk. Dating shouldn't be this complicated.

Green&Red

Wouldn’t agree with that at all

The lad has clearly said he’s not dating anyone else and that he doesn’t expect someone he’s dating (I.e. the OP) to be sleeping with anyone else
That’s as clear as he can be FFS

OP if it bothers you that much say it to him again sober, “I don’t get why you’re updating your tinder profile”

Calypso Realm

Oh dear OP. With that conversation, all you've done is given HIM reassurance you're not seeing anyone else (I'm sure it's crossed his mind at some point) while giving him carte blanche to see others! Or at least keep looking! Essentially you've removed any reason he might have to step up his game, since he now knows there's little risk of losing you!

It was an ideal opportunity for him to bring up the talk, but he didn't. He's definitely keeping his options open. Sorry.

And you should be too!

Xterminator

Calypso Realm wrote: »

It was an ideal opportunity for him to bring up the talk, but he didn't. He's definitely keeping his options open. Sorry.

the gender bias is alive and well i see.

It was a great opportunity for both of them to bring up the talk. Neither did. Both are 'keeping their options open'!

Ursus Horribilis

What are you on about? Gender bias my foot.

Calypso Realm

Xterminator wrote: »

the gender bias is alive and well i see.
'!

Gender bias has nothing to do with it since I was commenting specifically on HIS response to OP's efforts to gain some clarity on the situation.

facehugger99

Calypso Realm wrote: »

It was an ideal opportunity for him to bring up the talk,

Glad we didn't have such nonsense when I was single - Life was simpler 20 years ago.

leggo

facehugger99 wrote: »

Glad we didn't have such nonsense when I was single - Life was simpler 20 years ago.

Yeah when everyone was forced to marry someone if they got them pregnant and it was illegal to be gay! Nowadays people have to talk about things maturely, ew.

facehugger99

leggo wrote: »

Yeah when everyone was forced to marry someone if they got them pregnant and it was illegal to be gay! Nowadays people have to talk about things maturely, ew.

You have strange views on what 1999 was like - maybe a bit more reading and a bit less ranting on the internet are required?

woodchuck

Mod note:

leggo, facehugger99 - knock it off please. Only post if you have advice to offer the OP.

bitofabind

You sending mixed messages and saying effectively "it's grand if you're seeing other people sure we're both single!" is not helping. It's not grand because you like him and don't like the idea that he's seemingly still putting himself out there to meet other women.

own those feelings and learn how to communicate them. It doesn't make you psycho or an over-thinker. it makes you a woman who's into someone and wants to know what the score is before you invest further. very reasonable thing to do. It's a responsible way to behave while dating that will prevent you from heartbreak or wasting time on the wrong guys.

"we spoke about this the other night but we were both a bit hammered. what are your thoughts on dating at the moment? i'm enjoying your company and it's early days so happy to take things slowly. i've noticed you're active on tinder though, so was curious about your thoughts on the whole thing?"

One thing to note is that in general, if someone likes you, you can't really "say the wrong thing" here. You portraying that you kind of like him too is something he'll see as an opportunity to move things forward or to reassure you he's on the same page, unless he isn't. So it's win win.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

You sending mixed messages and saying effectively "it's grand if you're seeing other people sure we're both single!" is not helping. It's not grand because you like him and don't like the idea that he's seemingly still putting himself out there to meet other women.

OP here. That's true, I wouldn't be fine with it, but I don't think anyone would be fine with it at any stage of dating, even at the start!

bitofabind wrote: »

own those feelings and learn how to communicate them. It doesn't make you psycho or an over-thinker. it makes you a woman who's into someone and wants to know what the score is before you invest further. very reasonable thing to do. It's a responsible way to behave while dating that will prevent you from heartbreak or wasting time on the wrong guys.

I think I have a fear of overexposing myself. I don't know why, I keep everything bottled up, maybe because I'm usually uncertain of my own feelings.

bitofabind wrote: »

"we spoke about this the other night but we were both a bit hammered. what are your thoughts on dating at the moment? i'm enjoying your company and it's early days so happy to take things slowly. i've noticed you're active on tinder though, so was curious about your thoughts on the whole thing?"

This is great. It seems so simple when you say it out loud, but for some reason I couldn't put anything into words. I'm pretty sure I'll say this to him the next time I see him.

bitofabind wrote: »

One thing to note is that in general, if someone likes you, you can't really "say the wrong thing" here. You portraying that you kind of like him too is something he'll see as an opportunity to move things forward or to reassure you he's on the same page, unless he isn't. So it's win win.

I've been in the position where a guy told me he was in love with me when I wasn't there and I just felt terrible. I think from that experience I didn't want to go through that kind of rejection (even though I know it's not rejection, but it feels that way). Opening myself up like that is difficult, but I think it's what I need to do move on in relationships. Thank you.

LegacyUser

OP here. Just giving an update on the above.

I confronted him about it, unfortunately over texts instead of face to face, but was the only option available to me this weekend.

We had a conversation about where he thinks we were at, relationship wise. He said we're taking it slow, but would like to get to know me better and see more of me. We messaged at length and thought this was a good sign. I didn't specifically mention Tinder as didn't think it was appropriate at the time.

Then comes today, when I saw that he updated his profile again! I said to him that I saw him putting new photos on his Tinder profile and don't want to be strung along if he's not that interested. He said that he explained himself already and that we're both active on Tinder and thought nothing of it. He also said that he doesn't think that we are far enough along in the relationship yet to be deleting dating apps.

I think a big factor for him is sex. We haven't had sex yet, just fooled around in bed. I think this is a big part of a relationship for him, which I can understand, which is the case for many. I can be conservative, or even choosey, with who or when I have sex.

He never saw our differences as a problem, but he now thinks that because of my questioning and doubting his intents that maybe I don't think it'll work, and that I in fact think we're incompatible.

I'm truly willing to give it a shot. It may require me to become a bit more relaxed in myself, which is a person I want to become. But now he's gone off to think about things and I fear I've driven him away with my overthinking.

Is there anything I should say to limit the damage? I only wanted to be sure he was truly interested, which he is, but now I think he'll end things because of he thinks I think we're incompatible.

I don't want to throw away yet another relationship for a miscommunication. I really need advice!

woodchuck

OP it obviously would've been better to have this conversation in person than over text. But at least you have a better idea of where he stands now.

For me, the bottom line is that he's still active on Tinder, which he freely admits and plans to continue. After 5-6 weeks, if he was that into you, he wouldn't be keeping his options open. He should have a pretty good idea at this stage whether or not he wants give it a proper (exclusive) try with you and his answer is no.

I'm sorry to say it, but I think it's time to let this one go. He's just stringing you along at this stage.

Green&Red

OP, it might be easier said than done but try and relax.
It sounds like he’s being reasonable, you asked him and he gave you a straight answer, if he was hiding something then he wouldn’t be so straight with you