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How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?
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One eyed Jack wrote: »Yourself and Lainey should totally hook up already, it’s making for gripping reading
ps. Welcome back Kiki!
Could you imagine? He thinks a woman is an evil b1tch for not wanting a relationship after a kiss. Imagine actually having some sexy time and then deciding not to continue dating. I'd wake up to him standing across the street holding up a placard declaring his undying love.0 -
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The Dalai Lama wrote: »If I send you flowers will you change your mind and take me back?
I guess if you kept doing that it might eventually wear me down/scare me enough that it would just be easier to date you, yeah.
Wait...is that not the goal?
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Sorry to come in at this heartwarming moment with a serious post
But.
I don't believe anyone has a right to tell us how we should or shouldn't feel when a date doesn't work out or a relationship ends. That doesn't mean however that our feelings aren't a little skewed or our reactions unhealthy.
Here's a scenario;
I connect with someone online and we chat for a number of weeks before meeting up. During this time my hope skyrockets and I am beside myself with excitement before the date. We get on so well in real life that I'm smitten. Sadly there won't to be a second date because he isn't interested. I'm devastated. Can't stop crying and resign myself to "no more men for a long time"
Now I would need to do some serious self-reflection if I find myself getting that invested in a man I had yet to meet. Its just too much and is indicative of my need for a relationship, a need that would no doubt come across. It's far better for our state of mind to keep both feet firmly on the ground in the initial stages of meeting someone. It is difficult to do that I know but for our own sakes its important to be able to regulate our emotions in a healthy way.
Here is a different scenario;
I go out for a few drinks which leads me to spend the night with a man I meet in the pub. The next morning he asks for my number and I give it. Thing is though I don't think I'm interested. I wasn't feeling great the previous night and was lonely which is the real reason why I slept with him. He texts and I respond. He texts again asking me out and I tell him that I had fun but am not interested in seeing him again. Or maybe I make up an excuse and say I'm busy with this that and the other. Or who knows.
So now he hates me. I'm a bìtch. Karma will get me. Again a completely unreasonable position to take. The least we can do is treat each other with respect and honesty. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen but then we need to take the higher ground and not give in to feeling bitter because I'm telling you, that is the most destructive feeling you can have. It will eat away at you.0 -
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kikilarue2 wrote: »Oh Persepoly you have absolutely nailed me there! I actually went back to therapy for a while after realising that my reaction was so disproportionate to what had actually happened.
Anyone got this "keep your feet on the ground" during the early stages of dating thing down though? Like, how? I still cling to this notion that one day I'll fall for someone at the drop of a hat but this time it'll be different because he'll love me too and we'll live happily ever after or something.
It was me too Kiki. I'm half asleep at the minute but will respond to you properly tomorrow
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Deleted User wrote: »Or maybe I make up an excuse and say I'm busy with this that and the other. Or who knows.
Fingerpuppets. Tell him you are busy making fingerpuppets from old socks
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Ubbquittious wrote: »Fingerpuppets. Tell him you are busy making fingerpuppets from old socks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r40 -
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I find you can follow a Code of Conduct in order to "not freak out the object of my desires" and then you meet the right person and the rule book becomes irrelevant. It's a rare thing, this old connection business and you're ultimately searching for someone that is as much of a weirdo as you are
On the same note, there are certainly behaviours you should engage in if only to protect your mental health and emotional wellbeing when you're actively dating. Otherwise it can be a painful experience that fundamentally impacts your self esteem. That's when your mindset and behaviours can become counter productive.
If I was going to list them:
- Manage your expectations.
Forget the Hollywood romcoms, they've filled your head with bs about what a relationship looks like from the very first interaction onwards. Forget the preconceived notion of timelines and "I want to be married by X, pregnant by Y". A relationship isn's a business deal, it's a complicated, hard-grafted, constantly changing, worthwhile endeavour where two separate minds, bodies and souls are attempting this business called life together. It will take its own shape, regardless of your best laid plans. That might be marriage, it might be divorce, it might be a breakup when everyone else seems to be moving forward in life. Accept the lack of control you have here. THAT'S LIFE.
- Deal with your pain
See a therapist. Seriously. Everyone should get their sh1t on the table with a qualified, impartial professional at some stage in life. SO MANY people drag around unprocessed pain and counter-productive behaviours and ideas about the opposite sex that just lead to, funnily enough, more of the same pain that got them there in the first place.
Quit that sh1t. Put on the big girl/boy pants, stop blaming everyone else and find a mechanism to process all of that stuff that's making you neurotic about men/women or devoid of self-esteem BEFORE you start looking to a partner to fix it for you.
- You are not entitled to a partner
Understand this. None of us are. And none of us need one to live a healthy, balanced life. There's SO much entitlement out there, and it leads to bitterness, misogyny/misandry, depression, half-lived lives full of regret for something you can't control.
What are you bringing to the table that sets you apart? That's something you can control. Are you interesting? Do you bring value to situations that you get involved in? Do you give back, or are you all take take take? Are you a good person, a good friend, daughter, sister, partner? Are you good company? Can you be positive and light-hearted?
I can be massively passive aggressive. But I've also spent some time dealing with residual issues from my last breakup and developed some coping strategies that make me a lot more emotionally stable and considered than I used to be. I give great advice. I've even learned how to give myself advice (therapy helps here) and I know that my worth isn't evaluated on how many men want to settle down with me and set up shop. Jesus how exhausting it was to live that way.
That, funnily enough, was the turning point at which I met someone lovely. It's early stages and might fall to sh1t, as life goes, but I know I'm ok this time. You're always ok in the end.0 -
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I dunno personally I've always just gone for it pretty hard when I'm feeling it. Been burnt, made an idiot of myself but I've also barely been single.
Told my OH I loved him within about three weeks. He responded with some comment about a patch of damp in the corner of the room. Well his actual first response was "Well that makes one of us" because he said "I hate this cottage" and I said "Well I love the cottage. And I love you" and he decided to respond to the cottage bit
But sure look that was five years ago. Lucky for me he ignored that particular enormous red flag.0 -
Yeah but then there is the possible danger of A not committing to B because they want to wait to see if B feels the same way, but then B doesn't commit because either they are also waiting to see the same thing or they feel like A is being a bit standoffish or holding back a bit which they may be if they (A) are waiting to commit.
Yeah, and that's dating There would be no "dating" if this stuff was straight forward! We'd all just hook up with the first person that crossed our path and that'd be it.
Honestly. The biggest thing I see with dating these days is a total intolerance to it and the opposite sex as a whole. I get it - dating can be so deeply personal and so deeply triggering. It's not easy looking for the right person and people get lost in all kinds of bs thoughts and behaviours when they're navigating it all.
But jesus, have a sense of humour about it! Or at least be a bit light-hearted. Figure out how you can have that dose of perspective that you need to be able to compartmentalise and live a decent life regardless of which bloke just ghosted you or told you he wanted a relationship and then changed his mind. Noone died, you don't have a terminal illness, you've just had a less than ideal date experience. That is spectacularly common, might I add.
Or just avoid the apps like me, if you're that intolerant towards how it works these days. I haven't been on them in about 9 months and have had way more meaningful dates in that time. Also, less aggro about dating as a whole.
My long-winded point here is: be accountable for yourself. Stop blaming things, apps, other people. Yeah it's bs-y, nothing worth having is easy. On with the big girl pants and learn how to cope, and if you can't cope, find another way of meeting people.
** Not directed at you personally Autecher0 -
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ginandtonicsky wrote: »Yeah, and that's dating There would be no "dating" if this stuff was straight forward! We'd all just hook up with the first person that crossed our path and that'd be it.
Honestly. The biggest thing I see with dating these days is a total intolerance to it and the opposite sex as a whole. I get it - dating can be so deeply personal and so deeply triggering. It's not easy looking for the right person and people get lost in all kinds of bs thoughts and behaviours when they're navigating it all.
But jesus, have a sense of humour about it! Or at least be a bit light-hearted. Figure out how you can have that dose of perspective that you need to be able to compartmentalise and live a decent life regardless of which bloke just ghosted you or told you he wanted a relationship and then changed his mind. Noone died, you don't have a terminal illness, you've just had a less than ideal date experience. That is spectacularly common, might I add.
Or just avoid the apps like me, if you're that intolerant towards how it works these days. I haven't been on them in about 9 months and have had way more meaningful dates in that time. Also, less aggro about dating as a whole.
My long-winded point here is: be accountable for yourself. Stop blaming things, apps, other people. Yeah it's bs-y, nothing worth having is easy. On with the big girl pants and learn how to cope, and if you can't cope, find another way of meeting people.
** Not directed at you personally Autecher
It's hard to not feel that was directed at me (especially the bit about my big girl pants) when you quoted my post! :P
The thing of it is none of that applies to me, I just don't date, I mean I don't even try. I haven't had a girlfriend in a very long time, I've just given up really.
I have a steady job, a car and I have just bought an apartment. I go to work come home, do a bit of exercise, watch telly, go to bed, wake up the next day and repeat.
I used to go out all the time, be the life and soul of the party but I have kind of become a recluse in the last 5-10 years. Even then though I still didn't really go out with anyone. I barely see any of my friends these days, they're mostly all in long term relationships so I never like to socialise being the only single person while they all have their in jokes and stories about things they did together.
I won't use apps to try find dates for 2 reasons. 1 I think I am very ugly physically so nobody would click or swipe or however they work. 2 I feel like I have nothing to offer like you said in your earlier post. I hate going out these days and I have nearly zero personality now I think from not being around peple much. If you met me and expressed interest in going out (just as an example please don't read too much into it :P) why would I allow you to? Why would I do that to you I mean? It would be very unfair, horrible even, of me to do that to you/someone you know? Why would I let someone be around me when I am a miserable fecker? That would only bring them down.
This has turned into a ramble which wasn't my intention. To sum up, It's my fault I am single, I don't blame or hate women (not even electro~bitch and she is a self admitted bitch!), I am not bitter about being by myself (again I caused it) and I very occasionally ramble on in a way that is probably annoying to read.0 -
What works for some won't for others. It worked out for you and you are happy. Red flags be damned ye are both happy so best of luck to you EB.Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »I dunno personally I've always just gone for it pretty hard when I'm feeling it. Been burnt, made an idiot of myself but I've also barely been single.
Told my OH I loved him within about three weeks. He responded with some comment about a patch of damp in the corner of the room. Well his actual first response was "Well that makes one of us" because he said "I hate this cottage" and I said "Well I love the cottage. And I love you" and he decided to respond to the cottage bit
But sure look that was five years ago. Lucky for me he ignored that particular enormous red flag. 0 -
ginandtonicsky wrote: »Yeah but then there is the possible danger of A not committing to B because they want to wait to see if B feels the same way, but then B doesn't commit because either they are also waiting to see the same thing or they feel like A is being a bit standoffish or holding back a bit which they may be if they (A) are waiting to commit.
Yeah, and that's dating There would be no "dating" if this stuff was straight forward! We'd all just hook up with the first person that crossed our path and that'd be it.
Honestly. The biggest thing I see with dating these days is a total intolerance to it and the opposite sex as a whole. I get it - dating can be so deeply personal and so deeply triggering. It's not easy looking for the right person and people get lost in all kinds of bs thoughts and behaviours when they're navigating it all.
But jesus, have a sense of humour about it! Or at least be a bit light-hearted. Figure out how you can have that dose of perspective that you need to be able to compartmentalise and live a decent life regardless of which bloke just ghosted you or told you he wanted a relationship and then changed his mind. Noone died, you don't have a terminal illness, you've just had a less than ideal date experience. That is spectacularly common, might I add.
Or just avoid the apps like me, if you're that intolerant towards how it works these days. I haven't been on them in about 9 months and have had way more meaningful dates in that time. Also, less aggro about dating as a whole.
My long-winded point here is: be accountable for yourself. Stop blaming things, apps, other people. Yeah it's bs-y, nothing worth having is easy. On with the big girl pants and learn how to cope, and if you can't cope, find another way of meeting people.
** Not directed at you personally Autecher
Very curious- where have you met people and ended up going on dates outside the apps?0 -
Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »Do you mean anger over past relationships?
I wouldn't beat yourself up over that or feel like you have to be all rational and mature about it as long as you're not obsessing or as you say veering into bitterness. Feel your feelings yo. Most of my top ten arguments to rerun in the shower are with exes, it's great I always win.
Or do you mean projecting issues from past relationships onto your current one? Because that is something it's important to be conscious of, and to recognise when someone is doing it to you.
Yes anger towards the other person for hurting me. In the past it did veer in to bitterness. A number of years ago I was snooping on Facebook and saw my ex was in a new relationship. The anger I felt was so so out of context and there was an energy to it, like I had to do something with it. And so I did. I emailed him raving about how I hope he doesn't get her hopes up as well. The embarrassment when I look back.
Projecting issues onto a current relationship is a different and complicated kettle of fish. I'd need magic thumbs and lots of space to type out my views on that 0 -
What works for some won't for others. It worked out for you and you are happy. Red flags be damned ye are both happy so best of luck to you EB.
Oh it could still end in murder don't worry. But thank you.
If you're happy out single more power to you, but fwiw I think you're being a bit unnecessarily harsh on yourself. No idea what you're like in person but I've certainly been laughing at and otherwise admiring your posts here, not just in this thread either. If you want to opt out, opt out, but if it's giving up then I'd say don't. Do an absolutely massive amount of work on your self esteem first though.0 -
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