How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yes anger towards the other person for hurting me. In the past it did veer in to bitterness. A number of years ago I was snooping on Facebook and saw my ex was in a new relationship. The anger I felt was so so out of context and there was an energy to it, like I had to do something with it. And so I did. I emailed him raving about how I hope he doesn't get her hopes up as well. The embarrassment when I look back.

Projecting issues onto a current relationship is a different and complicated kettle of fish. I'd need magic thumbs and lots of space to type out my views on that

Oh God the e-mails, I've been there!

Spent a year of my life furious at someone who broke my heart, a big part of it was that he would just not acknowledge he'd done anything wrong (ended a years long relationship over fcuking Facebook messenger), which was a running theme of the relationship too. It was a complex situation and god knows I was far from perfect but Jesus Christ like. Oh GAWD the e-mails I sent.

Talia Late Crosswalk

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Oh God the e-mails, I've been there!

Spent a year of my life furious at someone who broke my heart, a big part of it was that he would just not acknowledge he'd done anything wrong (ended a years long relationship over fcuking Facebook messenger), which was a running theme of the relationship too. It was a complex situation and god knows I was far from perfect but Jesus Christ like. Oh GAWD the e-mails I sent.

I thought I was alone! Jaysus.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I thought I was alone! Jaysus.

I'd say 1000s of years ago there were people sending smoke signals starting "How dare you you BASTARD" and then immediately regretting it, don't worry bbz, part of the human condition :pac:

Actually recently saw a headline with Twink saying something to the effect of she will actually refuse to die until she finds out who leaked her "zip up yer mickey" voicemail

lainey_d_123

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Yeah, and that's dating There would be no "dating" if this stuff was straight forward! We'd all just hook up with the first person that crossed our path and that'd be it.

It is that way for a lot of people, though. Some people seem to just sail through life meeting amazing partners and are never single more than five minutes. I have a cousin who has dated some really nice, handsome men, each one even moreso than the last. She literally just bumps into them - never used dating apps or anything. Dating seems to be way more painful for some people than others.

Honestly. The biggest thing I see with dating these days is a total intolerance to it and the opposite sex as a whole. I get it - dating can be so deeply personal and so deeply triggering. It's not easy looking for the right person and people get lost in all kinds of bs thoughts and behaviours when they're navigating it all.

But jesus, have a sense of humour about it! Or at least be a bit light-hearted. Figure out how you can have that dose of perspective that you need to be able to compartmentalise and live a decent life regardless of which bloke just ghosted you or told you he wanted a relationship and then changed his mind. Noone died, you don't have a terminal illness, you've just had a less than ideal date experience. That is spectacularly common, might I add.

I think people are intolerant full stop. I definitely think it gets worse the older you get, as people get set in their ways and aren't prepared to compromise or sacrifice anything.

Or just avoid the apps like me, if you're that intolerant towards how it works these days. I haven't been on them in about 9 months and have had way more meaningful dates in that time. Also, less aggro about dating as a whole.

Totally agree about apps, but one issue I have is that even if I don't meet men on them, they're almost all using them so I feel like I'm competing with thousands of faces on a screen. Such a terrible invention. I honestly had way fewer issues with meeting men and dating before dating apps were a thing.

lainey_d_123

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Oh God the e-mails, I've been there!

Spent a year of my life furious at someone who broke my heart, a big part of it was that he would just not acknowledge he'd done anything wrong (ended a years long relationship over fcuking Facebook messenger), which was a running theme of the relationship too. It was a complex situation and god knows I was far from perfect but Jesus Christ like. Oh GAWD the e-mails I sent.

My long term ex was the same...would never, ever admit he was wrong or anything but perfect. It was actually a massive headwreck because I ended up feeling that absolutely everything was my fault. It was so weird to date men afterwards who would actually apologise for stuff or admit they were wrong. I was so used to having to over explain and justify myself that I didn't know what to do when someone said back 'yes you're right, that was rude, I'm sorry'.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

My long term ex was the same...would never, ever admit he was wrong or anything but perfect. It was actually a massive headwreck because I ended up feeling that absolutely everything was my fault. It was so weird to date men afterwards who would actually apologise for stuff or admit they were wrong. I was so used to having to over explain and justify myself that I didn't know what to do when someone said back 'yes you're right, that was rude, I'm sorry'.

Yeah same here. I wonder if his email address is still the same...?

Just kidding, not like I don't still know his phone number off by heart anyway :pac:

We actually run into each other from time to time and it's nice, we definitely didn't work in a relationship with each other and a friendship is off the cards as a result but I do wish him the best.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Just kidding, not like I don't still know his phone number off by heart anyway :pac:

Fcuking hell I was saying that as a joke but I've just realised I do.

Autecher

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Fcuking hell I was saying that as a joke but I've just realised I do.

Stalker alert!!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Autecher wrote: »

Stalker alert!!

I often tell my partner that my love for him burns like a candle. In that if he ever leaves it unattended to, I will burn this fcuking house down.

I dunno, the further past about the age of 25 I get, the more I think fcukit, I'm nuts let's just go with it.

ginandtonicsky

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

It is that way for a lot of people, though. Some people seem to just sail through life meeting amazing partners and are never single more than five minutes. I have a cousin who has dated some really nice, handsome men, each one even moreso than the last. She literally just bumps into them - never used dating apps or anything. Dating seems to be way more painful for some people than others.

1. This can be true, but things aren't always as they seem. I know heaps of people who relationship hopped and were never single and I wouldn't swap places with them in a million years. That can result from a whole host of personal issues.

And what seems "amazing" to you as an outside observer, can be a very different scenario from the inside. No relationship is perfect or even near perfect.

2. And that's life. You can't have everything all of the time. I've found dating quite difficult over the years, most recently it seems like a crap shoot to have to contend with dating apps and multi-dating and all kinds of disingenuous behaviour to try to find the right person.

But equally, my professional life has always been fruitful and sort of effortless for me. I'm smart, work hard and have fallen into some great jobs over the years. I've been quite successful. I got promoted recently. I've got friends that hate their jobs, struggle financially and haven't had the same amount of luck that really envy how things are for me there.

You have to work at things in life. Some more than others. And crucially - accept when things aren't working and not be afraid of change. I've used my personal dating grievances to become stronger emotionally and learn how to modify my own behaviours, thoughts and responses. I continue to work on these things in therapy and it's been a real game changer for me.

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Very curious- where have you met people and ended up going on dates outside the apps?

A combination of things. Work, work conferences, former work acquaintances, weddings. Don't get me wrong - I can go long periods without meeting anyone, and then it's that old bus analogy - nothing for days and then three come along at once.

I'm beyond thinking a man is going to walk through my front door and carry me off on his white horse, but equally I know what I'm bringing to the table and not dealing with the aggro of dating apps or the pressure of "I NEED TO MEET A MAN RIGHT NOWWWWWW" makes me a lot more open and light-hearted. I'm a pretty good flirt

Aglomerado

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Actually recently saw a headline with Twink saying something to the effect of she will actually refuse to die until she finds out who leaked her "zip up yer mickey" voicemail

Someone should own up and put the rest of us out of our misery.

lainey_d_123

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

1. This can be true, but things aren't always as they seem. I know heaps of people who relationship hopped and were never single and I wouldn't swap places with them in a million years. That can result from a whole host of personal issues.

And what seems "amazing" to you as an outside observer, can be a very different scenario from the inside. No relationship is perfect or even near perfect.

True, I guess, but I also think there are people who are genuinely happy and just keep falling into relationships and having a great time. The thing with my cousin is that every single guy she meets seems to be falling over themselves to commit to her. I don't get it. She's a nice girl and pretty, but I know a lot of nice pretty girls who haven't had anything like her success.

2. And that's life. You can't have everything all of the time. I've found dating quite difficult over the years, most recently it seems like a crap shoot to have to contend with dating apps and multi-dating and all kinds of disingenuous behaviour to try to find the right person.

But equally, my professional life has always been fruitful and sort of effortless for me. I'm smart, work hard and have fallen into some great jobs over the years. I've been quite successful. I got promoted recently. I've got friends that hate their jobs, struggle financially and haven't had the same amount of luck that really envy how things are for me there.

I think this is actually the main reason you manage to have such a level-headed view of relationships. It's that most other things in your life appear to be stable and going well. I think it's way, way easier to maintain distance and keep calm when dating when you're in a place of security, such as owning your own home (or even being able to rent on your own or with someone you like) and having a good job. When I was in my worst phase and trying to date after my LTR ended, I was living in a horrible flat share I hated, in a tiny box room, with no personal space. I also had a fixed term contract at work and had no idea whether I'd have a job after a few months, and I also have a very fraught relationship with my family due to their issues (abusive, mental health problems and much more) and serious health issues which made being able to earn more extremely difficult. So I had absolutely no security and stability in my life at all, which makes relationship issues seem magnified by about 1000.

I'm still not doing anywhere near as well as you, but I am doing a bit better professionally and finally have enough money to live on and even save a bit, and the difference in my wellbeing is incredible.

You have to work at things in life. Some more than others. And crucially - accept when things aren't working and not be afraid of change. I've used my personal dating grievances to become stronger emotionally and learn how to modify my own behaviours, thoughts and responses. I continue to work on these things in therapy and it's been a real game changer for me.

I would love to find a good therapist. The one I had just told me I seemed fine and the guys sounded like dicks (that was the gist of it anyway). Not very helpful really.

A combination of things. Work, work conferences, former work acquaintances, weddings. Don't get me wrong - I can go long periods without meeting anyone, and then it's that old bus analogy - nothing for days and then three come along at once.

I'm beyond thinking a man is going to walk through my front door and carry me off on his white horse, but equally I know what I'm bringing to the table and not dealing with the aggro of dating apps or the pressure of "I NEED TO MEET A MAN RIGHT NOWWWWWW" makes me a lot more open and light-hearted. I'm a pretty good flirt

Being a good flirt must really help. I never seem to get the balance right between seeming uninterested and seeming desperate or overly keen. I met a guy last night who was quick to tell me he was in a relationship when I offered to buy him a drink. I was literally just being polite because I was going to the bar, and we'd been getting on well. He was far too young for me (but probably didn't realise my age) and I wasn't even looking at him as a romantic prospect.

It seems to be getting harder and harder the older I get, not least because the percentage of people who are already coupled up is enormous now. I find I get on really well with some men and there would probably be dating potential/chemistry there, but they're already married or partnered. Almost all of them. It's very frustrating. I hate apps, but at least you know the men on there are (mostly) single and looking?

ginandtonicsky

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

The thing with my cousin is that every single guy she meets seems to be falling over themselves to commit to her. I don't get it. She's a nice girl and pretty, but I know a lot of nice pretty girls who haven't had anything like her success.

Maybe. A lot of this stuff is luck and timing, things you can't control. It can fall into place a lot easier for some than for others. However, I always think it warrants doing some self-evaluation and self-improvements where necessary too.

For example, my self-esteem has suffered over the years, in no small part because of my dating life, previous breakups and getting nowhere with the wrong men for years on end. It's a lot better these days, but in retrospect I can see that feeling low in self-worth led to me making the wrong choices with men, being attracted to the emotionally unavailable ones, using dating and relationships for validation, ignoring red flags, ignoring my own needs, all that stuff.

I've got friends who never really struggled in the same way, one such friend will blatantly tell you "I've only ever been interested in men who showed real interest in me" - and in turn, her love life seemed to have been a hell of an easier ride because she was self-selecting for the right things. If a guy was unavailable or messing her around, not giving her clear signs of interest and commitment, she wasted no time on him and would quickly cut the chord. And therefore she's moved seemingly seamlessly from one healthy relationship to the other.

But I can't say I'd want to swap places with her all the same. My life has included things like living abroad, travel and career success that has been unique to me. Her partners have been right for her, they wouldn't be right for me! But I've learned a lot from watching how she's gone about things.

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I think this is actually the main reason you manage to have such a level-headed view of relationships. It's that most other things in your life appear to be stable and going well. I think it's way, way easier to maintain distance and keep calm when dating when you're in a place of security, such as owning your own home (or even being able to rent on your own or with someone you like) and having a good job.

Maybe. I've done a lot of work around this as I had a breakup about two years ago that really took the wind out of my sails. Through CBT I now have some solid coping strategies for dealing with emotional situations, disappointment, hurt, all of that. I've also prioritised self-care, all the physical health stuff and that really helps to keep perspective.

But I think we're all the same when it comes down to it. It's no easier for me to have to deal with romantic disappointment, that really is something that can and has devastated me over the years. No amount of success at work, or money, or security, can take away from the pain of that. Love and having a supportive partner trumps everything for me and it does sting to not be at a place that I hoped I would be by now with it.

But what choice do I have? My life is great, privileged, and I'm a solid person with some great people around me regardless of what happens in love for me. So I choose to live with a glass half full mentality because that's where I feel I shine the most and that's something I CAN control. I refuse to let this desire I have to meet the right person to be the difference between me being happy and me being miserable. Because that's just silly and counter-productive.

lainey_d_123

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Maybe. A lot of this stuff is luck and timing, things you can't control. It can fall into place a lot easier for some than for others. However, I always think it warrants doing some self-evaluation and self-improvements where necessary too.

For example, my self-esteem has suffered over the years, in no small part because of my dating life, previous breakups and getting nowhere with the wrong men for years on end. It's a lot better these days, but in retrospect I can see that feeling low in self-worth led to me making the wrong choices with men, being attracted to the emotionally unavailable ones, using dating and relationships for validation, ignoring red flags, ignoring my own needs, all that stuff.

I've got friends who never really struggled in the same way, one such friend will blatantly tell you "I've only ever been interested in men who showed real interest in me" - and in turn, her love life seemed to have been a hell of an easier ride because she was self-selecting for the right things. If a guy was unavailable or messing her around, not giving her clear signs of interest and commitment, she wasted no time on him and would quickly cut the chord. And therefore she's moved seemingly seamlessly from one healthy relationship to the other.

But I can't say I'd want to swap places with her all the same. My life has included things like living abroad, travel and career success that has been unique to me. Her partners have been right for her, they wouldn't be right for me! But I've learned a lot from watching how she's gone about things.



Maybe. I've done a lot of work around this as I had a breakup about two years ago that really took the wind out of my sails. Through CBT I now have some solid coping strategies for dealing with emotional situations, disappointment, hurt, all of that. I've also prioritised self-care, all the physical health stuff and that really helps to keep perspective.

But I think we're all the same when it comes down to it. It's no easier for me to have to deal with romantic disappointment, that really is something that can and has devastated me over the years. No amount of success at work, or money, or security, can take away from the pain of that. Love and having a supportive partner trumps everything for me and it does sting to not be at a place that I hoped I would be by now with it.

But what choice do I have? My life is great, privileged, and I'm a solid person with some great people around me regardless of what happens in love for me. So I choose to live with a glass half full mentality because that's where I feel I shine the most and that's something I CAN control. I refuse to let this desire I have to meet the right person to be the difference between me being happy and me being miserable. Because that's just silly and counter-productive.

I'd have to disagree with this. I'm nowhere near as financially stable or successful as you (going from your posts), but even having a better salary (just over the national average, nothing enormous), a career with (hopefully) a solid future compared to the last one and the prospect of being able to afford to rent a studio alone has made an enormous difference to my mental health overall and thus how I deal with dating. It all feels a bit less hopeless. Not that I don't want to meet someone, but knowing that living alone one day is a realistic possibility, being able to afford the odd city break or trip to stay with friends abroad and having a small bit of money in the bank to help with emergencies has made a huge difference to my wellbeing and feeling secure. There was a time a few years back when a main factor in me wanting a partner was financial security (not as in dating someone better off, but as in being able to share rent/bills to reduce the crippling burden) and in all honesty, that's a big factor for a lot of people. I'd have rather have found a mediocre partner than had to keep sharing with people I didn't know and didn't like and that put me in a vulnerable place. I think it's a privilege, even here in a developed country, not to HAVE to find a partner to be able to survive, and to choose who you want to be with.

Another big thing was my health improving slightly, so being able to do some sport (good way to meet people and feel better) and gain more independence. I was also diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome and while I still struggle a lot socially, it's a blessing to have a reason for these struggles rather than feeling as I used to, that I was just a bad person and an idiot. And people are a bit more understanding when I explain that I am on the autistic spectrum and that not being able to tolerate crowded places/bright lights are part of that and not me being a princess.

Still haven't got and never will have the family support, but have had some therapy and realised that 'it's not me, it's them'. I'll never have the kind of parents who care about my wellbeing and rally round when I need them. They're too selfish and self absorbed and simply incapable of providing any emotional support. I remember ringing my mam when one of my best friends died suddenly in tragic circumstances and she said 'what do you want me to do about it? I'm just in from work and the housework needs doing' and that says it all. It took me into my mid thirties but I've realised they're toxic and the less contact I have, the better. I've stopped trying to make my own parents love me and care about me, and it's one big weight off my shoulders.

I guess my point is that yeah, your life is great and privileged and that surely makes a difference to your 'starting point'. Someone who is already struggling with money, family issues and bad health is going to be a lot more desperate and a lot more vulnerable when it comes to dating and far more likely to make poor decisions.

ginandtonicsky

I empathise Lainey, you’ve had some struggles. And I say this carefully, as someone that doesn’t know you or your life. But there comes a point where you just have to set aside these things, let them be in the past and and focus on moving forward.

I paint a good picture of my life because that’s how I’ve chosen to see things. In reality there’s a lot of mental health issues in my family, I grew up having to fend for myself because of a severely mentally ill older sibling, didn’t have many friends growing up, and fled for faraway shores as soon as I could. A lot of loneliness, resentment, depression, instability and insecurity involved there. I’ve reconciled those issues because I realised it wasn’t serving me to carry them around like war wounds. As my therapist likes to say - “how does it help you to think like that?”

Frankly it doesn’t. Life is hard for all of us, harder for some than for others but ultimately we all have to get on with it and lead with our best foot forward. There’s no special allowances for anyone. And what I’ve learned is that it helps my life most to focus on the positives. To not let the negatives run the shop. At a very basic level, people don’t want to be around negative people and that’s very prominent on the dating scene. People want to be around people that bring something more to their life.

The easy response is to make allowances for yourself and to compare to others who seem to have it easier and to blame others for being as they are (which is sometimes infuriatingly non-committal and lacking integrity, believe me i know), but how does that improve your life in the long run?

lainey_d_123

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I empathise Lainey, you’ve had some struggles. And I say this carefully, as someone that doesn’t know you or your life. But there comes a point where you just have to set aside these things, let them be in the past and and focus on moving forward.

I paint a good picture of my life because that’s how I’ve chosen to see things. In reality there’s a lot of mental health issues in my family, I grew up having to fend for myself because of a severely mentally ill older sibling, didn’t have many friends growing up, and fled for faraway shores as soon as I could. A lot of loneliness, resentment, depression, instability and insecurity involved there. I’ve reconciled those issues because I realised it wasn’t serving me to carry them around like war wounds. As my therapist likes to say - “how does it help you to think like that?”

My point isn't to say 'oh, my life is really bad'. It's to state how having security, be it financial, emotional or whatever, really helps to change your mindset.

You've stated various times how you have plenty of money and a good lifestyle. I'm sure I earn peanuts compared to you, yet my mental health has improved immeasurably since I've had some job and financial security. Why are you acting as if this isn't a thing?

It's not a matter of saying that having a bit of money means you don't need a relationship, it's saying that having a decent quality of life puts you at a good baseline, one where a relationship is a pleasant addition to your happy life rather than saving you from a bad one (which as I said, puts your in a very, very vulnerable position). Someone who has a stable financial situation and/or is from a good family background, has a good group of friends and a range of hobbies is in a far better position when it comes to dating and I don't think many would disagree with that.

Frankly it doesn’t. Life is hard for all of us, harder for some than for others but ultimately we all have to get on with it and lead with our best foot forward. There’s no special allowances for anyone. And what I’ve learned is that it helps my life most to focus on the positives. To not let the negatives run the shop. At a very basic level, people don’t want to be around negative people and that’s very prominent on the dating scene. People want to be around people that bring something more to their life.

TBH the only people I've ever known say this have been extremely privileged. Life is objectively much harder for some than others and it's not a matter of 'deciding' to be positive or not. I have high functioning autism and it's offputting to a lot of men. I can't wave a magic wand and not be autistic. It's no coincidence that women with high functioning autism have a very high suicide rate. I've chosen to be upfront and honest about that now when meeting people, because I've had too many men come on strong at the beginning and then drop me when they realise what it's like to live with autism. Having an issue like this is incredibly difficult. It's not about not trying hard enough or being negative. I spent years trying to be 'normal' and it did unbelievable damage to my mental health. It's not about choosing to get on with it or not, but sometimes you need to acknowledge that some things are just going to be more challenging for you than for others. What good is looking at someone neurotypical who finds it very easy to get along with others and comparing myself to her?

The easy response is to make allowances for yourself and to compare to others who seem to have it easier and to blame others for being as they are (which is sometimes infuriatingly non-committal and lacking integrity, believe me i know), but how does that improve your life in the long run?

What are you even talking about?

ginandtonicsky

I don't know, I give up Lainey. There's no meeting of the minds here I guess. I just think there's an easier and less painful way to live and in turn to approach dating. And as a wise man said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results.

I get that we're different people and I'm admittedly not familiar with how your autism condition can be playing into this stuff too. So my apologies if things that seem inherently fixable and changeable to me, aren't that way for you.

ginandtonicsky

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I don't know, I give up Lainey. There's no meeting of the minds here I guess. I just think there's an easier and less painful way to live and in turn to approach dating. And as a wise man said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results.

I get that we're different people and I'm admittedly not familiar with how your autism condition can be playing into this stuff too. So my apologies if things that seem inherently fixable and changeable to me, aren't that way for you.

Something interesting I have found regarding career and finances is how different it impacts people. Some get a lot of meaning from having x amount of money and rising up the ladder in their chosen profession. If you pin your self-esteem to anything external then holding on to that thing becomes everything.

Let's say you have a person who gets their sense of worth from having a successful position and being financially well off but one day their circumstances change or they just can't reach where they want to be, then its likely other aspects of their lives will suffer. They will feel worthless and this in turn will create problems in finding and maintaining a relationship.

Self-esteem is the anchor of ourselves but when we start associating our jobs, our relationships, amount of money to it thing can get a bit tricky. I do sometimes say "who would you be if you were on a desert island, no job or partner or money". Its a question that can make us think.

ToddyDoody

Sorry to be reviving this thread but found an interesting article:

http://www.davidmcwilliams.ie/the-rise-of-the-singleton-has-transformed-ireland/