How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

Blaizes

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Most of my friends married in their mid to late thirties. One of them, in her 40s, had a baby recently. I don't recall anyone asking them why they're single.

I think they did get asked whether they were seeing anyone. But you get that at every life stage, you meet someone and youre asked if there are any wedding bells. You get engaged you're asked when the date is. When you get married you're asked 'any news' and if you're lucky enough to sprout some offspring the next one is usually whether there's a brother sister on the way.

I don't think any of it is ill intentioned or judging, just pure nosey. Single women are not on their own when it comes to this.

I doubt if anyone is judging you for being single, maybe the questions hit a nerve and it seems that way. Anyone who is judging has little else to be worrying them.

People can be very nosey though and prying both men and women, the village gossip types. The thing is they probably have so little going on in their own lives that other lives are a field of gossip and speculation. Probably been this way since time began.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Nice minimising and gaslighting. If you think there's a limited range of what can be considered 'real sexism', I'm not wasting my time on you. I posted about my reality as a woman and had a man literally mansplaining that that wasn't right because he, as a man, hadn't seen it. If a man trying to tell a woman what her own experiences have been is not sexist to you, God help you.

I do think there's a range more limited than "things lainey doesn't like", yes. And I think you have your posters mixed up there. The one you were accusing of denying the existence of your experience for asking you to clarify something is a different poster. It's the one who called you a very bitter poster who you accused of not liking women speaking about their experiences. I get it, you've butted heads with every fcuker in the thread, easy to get mixed up.

By your logic I could accuse you of being homophobic right now btw.

cannotlogin

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Doesn't seem to have a problem with any other woman in the thread. Do you find people often exhibit such laser-precision misogyny towards you?

Cheers for crying wolf though, not like sh1t like that undermines actual sexism.

Nice minimising and gaslighting. If you think there's a limited range of what can be considered 'real sexism', I'm not wasting my time on you. I posted about my reality as a woman and had a man literally mansplaining that that wasn't right because he, as a man, hadn't seen it. If a man trying to tell a woman what her own experiences have been is not sexist to you, God help you.

Can you accept that your reality as a woman is the not the same reality as most women?

I'm single and in my 30s and don't have similar experiences. Neither do most of the women posting on here either.

lainey_d_123

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

I do think there's a range more limited than "things lainey doesn't like", yes. And I think you have your posters mixed up there. The one you were accusing of denying the existence of your experience for asking you to clarify something is a different poster. It's the one who called you a very bitter poster who you accused of not liking women speaking about their experiences. I get it, you've butted heads with every fcuker in the thread, easy to get mixed up.

By your logic I could accuse you of being homophobic right now btw.

Yes, and he said I was 'bitter' because I refuted what the other poster said and stated the reality. Dismissing what I said rather than addressing it.

Homophobic? What are you on about?

kikilarue2

cannotlogin wrote: »

Can you accept that your reality as a woman is the not the same reality as most women?

I'm single and in my 30s and don't have similar experiences. Neither do most of the women posting on here either.

I have to say I don't get it a lot. My Mam used to ask me a lot if I had met anyone recently and it drove me mad so one day I just said to her "listen, if I meet someone you'll be the first to know - stop asking"

Outside of that, most people in my life know I would love to meet someone, so they wouldn't be so insensitive.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

AryaStark wrote: »

Me and my ex partner tried for kids for years and were never able... I am now single and have been trying to have a baby by myself! Am 40 still in love with my ex who I split with nearly 10 years ago and have no interest in trying to find a suitable partner to have a baby with. I have had fertility tests and had to have surgery early this year and am now hopefully fertile! Have to have some more tests and will then be trying a round of ivf...
I will only be able to try one round and if it fails then I have to accept that it is not to be... I am almost scared to try as if it fails it will be so terrible. I had a few miscarriages when I was younger and am always wondering how them babies would have turned out.

One thing I hate is how people will say did you never want kids or assume that because you dont have them you didnt want them. I never ask people if they want kids or are trying.. Its so heart breaking when it doesnt work.

Yeah that's a line of small talk that really needs to be consigned to history. Any benefit to it is just so far outweighed by the potential for hurt.

I hope things work out for you.

kikilarue2

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yes, and he said I was 'bitter' because I refuted what the other poster said and stated the reality. Dismissing what I said rather than addressing it.

Homophobic? What are you on about?

Lainey I think you generally offer good contributions on a wide range of topics, but it does seem like threads about relationships are triggering for you.

RobbingBandit

No amount of money alcohol or coercion would get me married I am the human equivalent of Zoidberg smell looks and ability to sing in harmony with myself. A penniless lobster doctor.

lainey_d_123

cannotlogin wrote: »

Can you accept that your reality as a woman is the not the same reality as most women?

I'm single and in my 30s and don't have similar experiences. Neither do most of the women posting on here either.

I can't speak for most of the women posting here - only myself and my friends. I was quoting a post by ginandtonicsky who also seems to have encountered similar attitudes.

Hannibal_Smith

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Well, they're not.



Yes, sometimes it's just idle small talk, but there is very often an edge to these kinds of questions. And sometimes people actually come out and ask me incredibly intrusive things like 'are you not worried you'll be too old for kids?' Way more often that you seem to think.

I clearly meant it when they were single! :pac:

There had to be context to the question, are you not worried you're too old for kids. Surely it doesn't just crop of out of the blue?

lainey_d_123

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Yeah that's a line of small talk that really needs to be consigned to history. Any benefit to it is just so far outweighed by the potential for hurt.

I hope things work out for you.

This is something we agree on. I can never quite believe how many people think it's OK to ask this stuff.

lainey_d_123

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I clearly meant it when they were single! :pac:

There had to be context to the question, are you not worried you're too old for kids. Surely it doesn't just crop of out of the blue?

If they're getting married in their mid thirties then they can't have been single for much of them unless they met someone and got married quickly.

The kids thing is usually a question that follows 'have you got a partner?' or some variant of it. I give some vague response like 'I haven't met the right person yet' and then I get that. As if it's not something I don't already worry about all the time.

kikilarue2

RobbingBandit wrote: »

No amount of money alcohol or coercion would get me married I am the human equivalent of Zoidberg smell looks and ability to sing in harmony with myself. A penniless lobster doctor.

Maybe there's someone out there of the opposite sex who feels the exact same way and would be perfect for you?

Thelonious Monk

RobbingBandit wrote: »

No amount of money alcohol or coercion would get me married I am the human equivalent of Zoidberg smell looks and ability to sing in harmony with myself. A penniless lobster doctor.

if you're an actual doctor surely you're getting laid left right and centre regardless of looks?

lainey_d_123

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

if you're an actual doctor surely you're getting laid left right and centre regardless of looks?

Why?

Hannibal_Smith

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

If they're getting married in their mid thirties then they can't have been single for much of them unless they met someone and got married quickly.

The kids thing is usually a question that follows 'have you got a partner?' or some variant of it. I give some vague response like 'I haven't met the right person yet' and then I get that. As if it's not something I don't already worry about all the time.

One was with a guy a few years and put it off, none of us even know why. It was their own business. 2 hadn't met anyone until later in life and another had been with a guy for years and he cheated on her. She was 39 'settling down'.

I suppose back in keeping with the thread my circle of family and friends show that it's never too late. You can't know how long something will last, but equally you can't kill it before it's even started.

Blaizes

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Well, they're not.



Yes, sometimes it's just idle small talk, but there is very often an edge to these kinds of questions. And sometimes people actually come out and ask me incredibly intrusive things like 'are you not worried you'll be too old for kids?' Way more often that you seem to think.

There is no excuse for asking an ignorant question like that to anyone.I’d be tempted to tell them straight out that that was a fairly out of line ignorant comment or something like that and then walk away. If these are friends trying to embarrass you and pry like that you’d be better off without. Sorry but *uck em this is your business and your life.Maybe you need to put better boundaries in place so people just know they can’t say this stuff to you. There are great people out there but there are also some insensitive horrible ones just a fact of life.

lainey_d_123

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What a stupid thing to say. It's like a white person telling a black person there's no racism in Ireland because he's never heard any. You don't tend to hear comments aimed at woman if you're.....not a woman.

Yeah, mindblowing, huh?

Nice editing there. No resemblance to your original comment to which I asked an honest question. I can only give my life experience and am open to hear yours. You clearly have no interest in actually learning anything and think your perspective is the only possible one. Just keep doing and thinking as you are, it's clearly working for you.

I don't need to prove myself right or wrong I'm just here to learn. If men are saying this to you then fair enough.

lainey_d_123

Blaizes wrote: »

There is no excuse for asking an ignorant question like that to anyone.I’d be tempted to tell them straight out that that was a fairly out of line ignorant comment or something like that and then walk away. If these are friends trying to embarrass you and pry like that you’d be better off without. Sorry but *uck em this is your business and your life.Maybe you need to put better boundaries in place so people just know they can’t say this stuff to you. There are great people out there but there are also some insensitive horrible ones just a fact of life.

Well, I wouldn't be friends with such silly people but unfortunately I do have to interact with people at work and so on, and you know with this kind of person, if you give them the sharp answer they deserve, they'll go crying about how rude and mean you are.

I genuinely do think it almost always comes out of unhappiness with their own situation. Maybe married the wrong person, maybe regret getting married at all when they see me flying off somewhere for a weekend to meet friends in Paris or Madrid and wish they could do that without having to plan around kids. The couples I am friends with never make me feel defective for not having a partner or like a third wheel, probably because they're happy together and not arsed what other people are doing.

lainey_d_123

Deleted User wrote: »

Nice editing there. No resemblance to your original comment to which I asked an honest question. I can only give my life experience and am open to hear yours. You clearly have no interest in actually learning anything and think your perspective is the only possible one. Just keep doing and thinking as you are, it's clearly working for you.

I don't need to prove myself right or wrong I'm just here to learn. If men are saying this to you then fair enough.

What is your 'honest question'? You literally negated my own experience by telling me you'd never seen it happen. Of course you don't hear comments aimed at women if you're a man. That's bloody obvious. Yet you'd rather imply I'm wrong than just believe what I'm saying about something that happened to *me*?

Hannibal_Smith

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Well, I wouldn't be friends with such silly people but unfortunately I do have to interact with people at work and so on, and you know with this kind of person, if you give them the sharp answer they deserve, they'll go crying about how rude and mean you are.

I genuinely do think it almost always comes out of unhappiness with their own situation. Maybe married the wrong person, maybe regret getting married at all when they see me flying off somewhere for a weekend to meet friends in Paris or Madrid and wish they could do that without having to plan around kids. The couples I am friends with never make me feel defective for not having a partner or like a third wheel, probably because they're happy together and not arsed what other people are doing.

If they really were that unhappy with marriage and kids, it'd be a strange thing to do to judge you for not doing it.

lainey_d_123

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

If they really were that unhappy with marriage and kids, it'd be a strange thing to do to judge you for not doing it.

Not really tbh. I think it's quite common for people to project their issues in this way. It's not coming from a logical place. They've followed the life script and done everything they're 'supposed' to do and they're not happy, so they lash out at those who have made different choices (or who simply haven't met anyone).

The woman at my work who just finished a PhD, some other woman actually snidely asked what the point was, "all that effort for a piece of paper", and wouldn't she have been better off focusing on finding a relationship so she wouldn't end up alone. This reeks of projection to me. Woman 2 has dedicated her life to finding a man, and is in a mediocre office job and is trying to convince herself that she's better than the woman who focused on academics and other things. I think there's an element of 'at least I'm not her, at least I have a husband' there.

Blaizes

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Well, I wouldn't be friends with such silly people but unfortunately I do have to interact with people at work and so on, and you know with this kind of person, if you give them the sharp answer they deserve, they'll go crying about how rude and mean you are.

I genuinely do think it almost always comes out of unhappiness with their own situation. Maybe married the wrong person, maybe regret getting married at all when they see me flying off somewhere for a weekend to meet friends in Paris or Madrid and wish they could do that without having to plan around kids. The couples I am friends with never make me feel defective for not having a partner or like a third wheel, probably because they're happy together and not arsed what other people are doing.

Yip they probably are jealous, have seen this myself, there is begrudgery around and people watching what other people have and haven’t got. At the end of the day though that stuff is life draining and pathetic. I even see it at schoool gate yummy mummy syndrome and who is better than who, it’s not nice at all.

Good that your own friends don’t make you feel bad and probably you are right they are happy in themselves so not trying to bring others down. Live your life and enjoy it, 43 is still young. The holidays sound great. Good luck!

lainey_d_123

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What is your 'honest question'? You literally negated my own experience by telling me you'd never seen it happen. Of course you don't hear comments aimed at women if you're a man. That's bloody obvious. Yet you'd rather imply I'm wrong than just believe what I'm saying about something that happened to *me*?

I asked if it was men saying this to you without other men present or a group of men. I never said I didn't believe you - quite the opposite. I've just never heard men make disparaging remarks about women unless you count stupid teenagers. Men tend to be very complimentary about women IN MY EXPERIENCE unless they are total bitches, in which case women will also say so. I appreciate it could be different for you as we presumably don't know the same people.

Leg End Reject

Lainey you seem to meet an awful lot of small minded, parochial people.

lainey_d_123

Deleted User wrote: »

I asked if it was men saying this to you without other men present or a group of men. I never said I didn't believe you - quite the opposite. I've just never heard men make disparaging remarks about women unless you count stupid teenagers. Men tend to be very complimentary about women IN MY EXPERIENCE unless they are total bitches, in which case women will also say so. I appreciate it could be different for you as we presumably don't know the same people.

I've heard it from all kinds of people in all kinds of situations, in all kinds of cultures. There's a fella who sits near me in work and spends his time reading the Daily Mail, literally every day without fail he'll comment on how some female celeb is looking old or fat and tell us all who he finds attractive. I'm sure J-Lo would be delighted to know that a 40-something, balding overweight man (and I'm only saying this to highlight how hypocritical he is) would deign to bang her even though she's 'well past her best before date'.

lainey_d_123

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I've heard it from all kinds of people in all kinds of situations, in all kinds of cultures. There's a fella who sits near me in work and spends his time reading the Daily Mail, literally every day without fail he'll comment on how some female celeb is looking old or fat and tell us all who he finds attractive. I'm sure J-Lo would be delighted to know that a 40-something, balding overweight man (and I'm only saying this to highlight how hypocritical he is) would deign to bang her even though she's 'well past her best before date'.

Well that guy is a total idiot. Haven't heard comments like that since I was 13 and I'm nearly 50 now. Sure guys will talk among themselves about attractive women - but not like that in front of other women. Maybe it's a sales office - that environment seems to attract this type of ass.

lainey_d_123

Leg End Reject wrote: »

Lainey you seem to meet an awful lot of small minded, parochial people.

I live in Ireland. You know, the same place where women had no right to have an abortion until last year because 'religion'.

Leg End Reject

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I live in Ireland. You know, the same place where women had no right to have an abortion until last year because 'religion'.

So do I, I'm older than you and child free by choice. My ex changed his mind and left when he decided he wanted kids.

I have never encountered the seemingly never-ending commentary and criticism that you describe though.

Chris_5339762

I haven't posted on this thread for a while but its interesting to see how its gone.

Dalai, I'm in the opposite boat... ish. When I go out with someone they latch on very very hard and very very fast and I've been scared off by more than one lady who has gotten way too far way too fast for me. Think telling me she is in love with me after our third date. Crazy.

That said... anyone I really like never really is interested in me at all. Pure rotten luck. People often can't believe I'm single and say that I'd be a really good catch, and that I'm great, and that I'm a real peach that would make a girl very happy.

Bloody go out with me then!!!!!