The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Alpha Romeo · 15-07-2019 5:18pm

Oscar1978 wrote: »

What do we want ?
A cure for Alzheimer's....

When do we want it ?
When do we want what ?

What do we want?
A cure for Tourette's

When do we want it?
Cnuts

fryup · 15-07-2019 11:43pm

Pensioner's out protesting today were heard shouting....

"what do we want?....the toilet!"

"when do we want it?....now!!"

byrner88 · 15-07-2019 11:50pm

my parents admitted that the night I was concieved they were pissed on cheap Australian lager,

not nice finding out your a fosters child

Bob Harris · 16-07-2019 9:13am

fryup wrote: »

Pensioner's out protesting today were heard shouting....

"what do we want?....the toilet!"

"when do we want it?....now!!"

I heard a few saying 'nevermind, it's too late'

byrner88 · 17-07-2019 12:11am

I left my wife because of her obsession with football,

She crossed the line

castletownman · 17-07-2019 7:54am

everlast75 wrote: »

The Patron Saint of copying people on email is St. Francis of A CC

Not to be mistaken of course with the patron saint of surveillance.

St. Francis of CCTV.

Or indeed the patron saint of playgrounds

St.Francis of a see-saw

TheChevron · 17-07-2019 10:54am

Oscar1978 wrote: »

The guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey song died recently. They had awful trouble getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ......

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey but I'm glad to say I've turned myself around...and that's what its all about.

TheChevron · 17-07-2019 10:56am

The wife is not happy with the blinds I've hung in the sitting room.

It could be curtains for us.

jimgoose · 17-07-2019 10:57am

My sister is a smartarse. She insisted the other day that the onion is the only food that makes you cry.

So I fast-bowled a coconut at her.

g6fdyotp5nj2l7 · 17-07-2019 11:58am

jimgoose wrote:

My sister is a smartarse. She insisted the other day that the onion is the only food that makes you cry.

My sister thought the same till she got a slap of a turnip :-)

The Princess Bride · 17-07-2019 5:57pm

I can't remember how to write 1,1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers.
IM LIVID

patmac · 17-07-2019 11:15pm

HELP NEEDED!
I’m trying to remember the name of an 80’s American sitcom. Set in a Boston bar, where everybody knows your name.
Does anyone know?
Cheers in advance.

RayCon · 18-07-2019 1:01pm

I've a bit of a phobia about a new speed bump on my road ..... but I'm slowing getting over it.

tayto lover · 18-07-2019 1:08pm

el_gaucho wrote: »

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

We should stop these jokes or the National Dyslexia Association (DNA) will be complaining.

The big Dyslexia protest march to the Dail ended up badly when they all arrived at Aldi.

blinding · 18-07-2019 1:39pm

Leo Varadkar .

RobMc59 · 18-07-2019 2:58pm

If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss,what does smoking marijuana do?

BENDYBINN · 18-07-2019 5:54pm

What does what do?

decky1 · 18-07-2019 6:04pm

I love my job,went for a sh1t today and earned 7.50.

M.T. Cranium · 19-07-2019 12:07am

There was a rock group called Aquarius, and they had a singer named Dawn. But she had to retire.

It was the aging of the dawn of aquarius.

frag420 · 19-07-2019 7:41am

BENDYBINN wrote: »

What does what do?

What does memory loss do to your marijuana?

Capt'n Midnight · 19-07-2019 9:20pm

On the subject of genders, most of us have two sets of chromosomes xx if your female xy if you are male .

However there are other variations.

There is XYYsyndrome and Klinefelter syndrome XXY, Trisomy or triple X syndrome, and even a case in Australia of Tetrasomy where a child had 4 female chromosomes, they named her Castlemaine.

joe40 · 19-07-2019 9:42pm

byrner88 wrote: »

I left my wife because of her obsession with football,

She crossed the line

My wife left me because of my obsession with football. I was quite surprised we had only been together for 6 seasons.

Purple Mountain · 20-07-2019 12:10am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

On the subject of genders, most of us have two sets of chromosomes xx if your female xy if you are male .

However there are other variations.

There is XYYsyndrome and Klinefelter syndrome XXY, Trisomy or triple X syndrome, and even a case in Australia of Tetrasomy where a child had 4 female chromosomes, they named her Castlemaine.

You what now?

Roger_007 · 20-07-2019 1:36am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

On the subject of genders, most of us have two sets of chromosomes xx if your female xy if you are male .

However there are other variations.

There is XYYsyndrome and Klinefelter syndrome XXY, Trisomy or triple X syndrome, and even a case in Australia of Tetrasomy where a child had 4 female chromosomes, they named her Castlemaine.

Then of course there was that Welsh girl with triple Y syndrome that Tom Jones had a song about: YYY Delilah.

Suckit · 20-07-2019 1:42am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You what now?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtwkDGlpWJk

Sheridan81 · 20-07-2019 5:17am

I was going to join the debate team but someone talked me out of it.

RobMc59 · 20-07-2019 8:51am

To the b*stard who stole my glasses,
I will find you..I do have contacts!...

patmac · 20-07-2019 12:44pm

joe40 wrote: »

My wife left me because of my obsession with football. I was quite surprised we had only been together for 6 seasons.

My wife left me because of my obsession with Fantasy Football, in my defence I had Shaw, Van Dyke, Robertson, La Porte and Alonso.

.red. · 20-07-2019 1:12pm

patmac wrote: »

My wife left me because of my obsession with Fantasy Football, in my defence I had Shaw, Van Dyke, Robertson, La Porte and Alonso.

I'd have left you too for having a defence like that.
3 left backs and 2 centre backs!

byrner88 · 20-07-2019 1:26pm

The Big Issue would sell a lot more copies if they made their sellers smarten up a bit.

Most of them look like tramps.

Redneck Reject · 20-07-2019 11:38pm

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

sligojoek · 21-07-2019 1:15am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

On the subject of genders, most of us have two sets of chromosomes xx if your female xy if you are male .

However there are other variations.

There is XYYsyndrome and Klinefelter syndrome XXY, Trisomy or triple X syndrome, and even a case in Australia of Tetrasomy where a child had 4 female chromosomes, they named her Castlemaine.

She wasn't a Foster child so.

RobMc59 · 22-07-2019 10:30pm

A German tourist jumped into the water to save my precious little dog.
He said,"here is ze dog,dry him he vill be fine"
I said "are you a vet"?
He said"vet?"...I'm f*cking soaking!"

ArnoldJRimmer · 22-07-2019 10:36pm

I was walking through the Olympic village in London a few years back and met a guy carrying an eight foot long metal stick

'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked

'No,' said the man, 'I'm German, and how did you know my name is Walter?'

byrner88 · 24-07-2019 1:36am

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to
follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry?
That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this
Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

major bill · 24-07-2019 9:07am

Fred West's son kept getting sent home from maths class in school.The Teacher kept saying to him.."How many times have I told you.There is not thirty-two feet in a yard."

Oscar1978 · 24-07-2019 2:18pm

major bill wrote: »

Fred West's son kept getting sent home from maths class in school.The Teacher kept saying to him.."How many times have I told you.There is not thirty-two feet in a yard."

Johnny comes home from school,
Dad: why so glum Johnny?
Johnny: Teacher gave me detention.
Dad: why ?
Johnny: in maths , the teacher asked what's 2x3 and hi said 6.... then asked what's 3x2 ...
Dad: what's the ****ing difference?
Johnny: that's exactly what I said !!!

Capt'n Midnight · 24-07-2019 8:51pm

The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lay on the bed in a leopard skin print dress ....

I thought it was Fred Flintstone

byrner88 · 25-07-2019 2:08am

Gardai have confirmed a man has been arrested in Kerry after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

He is due to be bailed tomorrow.

seagull · 25-07-2019 1:48pm

Why do Australians drink xxxx?

Because they can't spell beer.

M5 · 27-07-2019 5:58pm

I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.

So far, I've fed him three of them

TheBody · 27-07-2019 6:19pm

I've been listening to the same drum solo on repeat all day. I'm afraid there will be repercussions

Capt'n Midnight · 27-07-2019 8:47pm

Why did the German policeman look at his belly button?

Because it was under a vest...

RobMc59 · 28-07-2019 6:07pm

I just spent €1000 to hire a limousine and found out it doesn't come with a driver.

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

31-07-2019 8:03am

My son asked me to explain women to me, so I bought him an Xbox game for his PlayStation.

31-07-2019 6:56pm

RobMc59 · 01-08-2019 4:07pm

"Have you heard of "Murphy's law?"
"Yeah"
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong it will go wrong ".
"Right,have you heard of Cole's law?"
"No,what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

Redneck Reject · 01-08-2019 5:51pm

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.

He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.

Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

christy c · 01-08-2019 8:41pm

The man who invented autocorrect had died, may he roast in piss.

Capt'n Midnight · 01-08-2019 10:48pm

How does a Bullfighter take his Coffee?

Au Lait.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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