The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby.

One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked her what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, it's my washcloth.

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on her again.

while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:

What happened to your washcloth?

The mother responded, I lost it.

The little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming,

I found your washcloth.

The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, Where did you find it?

The boy answered, The maid has it and she is washing daddy's face with it.

Capt'n Midnight

David Beckham decides to go horse riding after the recent marriage troubles.

Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip of the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and shouts for help!!

Hearing her screams, the Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

Capt'n Midnight

We were watching the veterans parade from the British Legion and I said to my missus,

"Look at that daft old dyslexic over there. "

"How do you know he's dyslexic?" she asked.

"Because of the puppy in his lapel, " I replied.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Jimmy came home from school with an F on his geography test.

His mother was looking over his work, and noticed that he had gotten one particularly easy question wrong.

Jimmy, she said Santa Cruz is in California.

No, it isn't said little Jimmy, It doesn't exist.

Of course it exists replied his mother.

What makes you think it's imaginary she asks?

That's what you told me, mummy, little Jimmy replied.

When did I tell you that asks his mum?

Last Christmas, when I wanted to know why I didn't get a horse.

No, she replied i told you that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

RhubarbCrumble

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

We were watching the veterans parade from the British Legion and I said to my missus,

"Look at that daft old dyslexic over there. "

"How do you know he's dyslexic?" she asked.

"Because of the puppy in his lapel, " I replied.

Welcome back Capt'n

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, I pledge allegiance to the flag...

When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his ass.

He says to little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart.

Little Johnny replied, It is over my heart.

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked Jhonny why do you think that is your heart?

Jhonny replies because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie.

Hagar7

Bob Harris wrote: »

Paddy and Mick were arguing about the measurement of a flagpole when a builder passes by and casually interrupts them.

"I have an idea to help you settle this, fellas" he says, then slides the pole out of the ground, lays it flat then gets his tape measure and measures it.

"you're an awful eejit" says Mick, "we were discussing the height not the length"

The original joke had a blonde passing by.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

woman goes into labor with her child. The A doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Mr. CooL ICE

Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart. They say it's a blast from the past.

jimgoose

This crowd arrive into a restaurant the other night and sit down at a table. The waiter heads over and they say, "We're vegans! We don't eat meat, fish, poultry, eggs or dairy, and we're also coeliac, so no gluten. What can we get?"

"The fuck out, Sir!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

The little farm boy storms out of the house, mad about being ordered to do his chores.

In the barnyard, he kicks the rooster.

Near the barn, he kicked a hog. In the field he kicked the family's cow.

His mother saw all this and stormed out after him.

She yells i saw you kick that rooster; just for that, you'll get no eggs.

And I saw you kick that hog; just for that, you'll get no bacon.

I also saw you kick the cow; just for that, you'll get no milk

His father heard the yelling, came out of the barn, tripping over the cat and nearly falling.

He then booted the poor cat out of his way.

The cat ran screeching into the barn.

The little boy looked up at his mother and said,

Do you want to tell him or shall I?

M.T. Cranium

We have a friend who constantly goes off the topic being discussed, or shows no knowledge of actual real world events. We call him Captain Oblivious.

Capt'n Midnight

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'









- Tommy Cooper

Capt'n Midnight

I used to work in a Russian napkin factory. I was in the serviette union.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Trump says to Obama “you know it’s the White House not the black house right?” And Obama says “yeah but it isn’t the orange house either.

Bigus

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I used to work in a Russian napkin factory. I was in the serviette union.

I know for a fact that's a tissue of lies.

jimgoose

I bought a second-hand time-machine next Saturday. Great bit of kit, I'll tell you they didn't make them like they're going to anymore.

jimgoose

We have a tradition in our family, we always have a Christmas jumper. You might well laugh, but I usually end up having to talk them down...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Three boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first one said, My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow.

The second one said, That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet.

The third boy just smiles and said that's nothing. My father is a civil servant. he gets off work at 5 and is home before 4.

chewed

Just spent €300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver... Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he's sitting in the the doctor's office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests.

The doctor says, I have some bad news you have cancer and Alzheimers.

The man replies, well, at least I don't have cancer.


A man goes up to the liberian and days i want a book about suicide.

The liberian says fcuk off you won't bring it back

M.T. Cranium

I would have thought the library might be a lot closer than Liberia, but maybe it was closed.

jimgoose

I discovered the most divine food condiment in Marks and Spencer, but it's so horrendously expensive I can only afford to pay so much per week for a bottle. It's HP Sauce.

You don't seem to get many Philosophy gags in here - probably a bit of a Nietzsche market.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic.

Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

Why are you crying? Bob asked.

I came here for a blood test, sobbed Bill.

So Bob askes Bill are you afraid?

Yes replies Bill.

For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished Bill stopes crying and askes Bob,

Why are you crying now?

Bob replies, I came for a urine test.

Capt'n Midnight

I think it is absolutly terrible that they take these people, dress them in bright orange, and then put them in a hot, sweaty, loud environment where they are bombarded with question upon question that they don't know the answer to.


I'm glad I don't work in B&Q

milltown

My next door neighbour is after getting a penis extension.
His house looks ridiculous now!

M.T. Cranium

jimgoose wrote: »

You don't seem to get many Philosophy gags in here - probably a bit of a Nietzsche market.

Some people Kant get enough but I've had my phil. This one did it for me ...

What did the survivors from the convention of logical positivists say when they crawled out of the wreckage of the earthquake-flattened hall?

"Lucky it wasn't a hurricane, we'd be soaked."

mad m

The wife suggested we spice things up a bit and play Doctors & Nurses. So I put her on a trolley in hall and ignored her for 48hrs.

blade1

mad m wrote: »

The wife suggested we spice things up a bit and play Doctors & Nurses. So I put her on a trolley in hall and ignored her for 48hrs.

I don't think that's what doctors do to nurses!!:pac:

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.

She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.

She said,I think I broke his gambling habit.

The father asked how and she said,

He bet me €5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won the €5.

Dam said the father.

What's wrong,the teacher asked?

Little Johnny's father said,

This morning Jhonny bet me €100 he would see his teacher's ass before the day was over.