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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #2822
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    To the person who stole my glasses.
    I will find you.

    I have contacts.


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    #2823
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    A man was on his deathbed. With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper to his wife, "I have one last request, my dear."

    Of course, anything" his wife replied, clutching his hand.

    "Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob."

    "But I thought you hated Bob?"

    "I do!"


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    #2824
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    There's nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your heeeeeeead, in your heeeeeead, in your head, in your head, in your hea, hea, hea, head....


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    #2825
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    Attention.... have you been forced to walk 500 miles ?

    Then asked to walk 500 more ?

    Well good news , you could be entitled to compensation.

    Contact The Pro-Claimers for more.


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    #2826
    Suckit
    Registered Users Posts: 11,215 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    Oscar1978 wrote: »

    Contact The Pro-Claimers for more.


    1800-FINE-GAEL :pac:


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    #2827
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,721 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Did you know, you can actually save space in your freezer by storing frozen peas in the holes of your potato waffles.


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    #2828
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My wife said she hates how I've jumped on the Wimbledon bandwagon."Shut up!" I replied, "they're about to tee off."


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    #2829
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    The guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey song died recently. They had awful trouble getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ......


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    #2830
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,721 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
    And eyes and ears and mouth and a nose.
    Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.


    Not the children's song but the ingredients of last nights kebab


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    #2831
    Bob Harris
    Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    Oscar1978 wrote: »
    The guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey song died recently. They had awful trouble getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ......

    ...and is that when the trouble started?


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    #2832
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    Bob Harris wrote: »
    ...and is that when the trouble started?

    That's the general consensus..... 👀😄


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    #2833
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I met a nice girl in a bar last night and told her to call me when she makes it home.

    She must be homeless


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    #2834
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Its been a bit of a strange day..
    First I find a hat full of money
    Then I get chased down the road by a strange man with a guitar!


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    #2835
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A soldier is rushed to Hospital with a horrific bayonet wound,

    Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.


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    #2836
    castletownman
    Registered Users Posts: 11,020 ✭✭✭✭castletownman


    I hear they have finally discovered a cure for dyslexia.

    FINALLY! It was like music to my arse.

    I came second place in an astrology competition over the weekend. I won a map of the stars of the universe.

    It was the constellation prize.


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    #2837
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    Looked out my kitchen window last night to see a fella taking my back gate. I didn't say anything though I didn't want him to take a fence.


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    #2838
    RayCon
    Registered Users Posts: 4,835 ✭✭✭RayCon


    castletownman wrote: »
    I hear they have finally discovered a cure for dyslexia.

    FINALLY! It was like music to my arse.


    In the meantime Gillette have made a razor for dyslexics ..... it's the best thing since sliced beard.


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    #2839
    Edgware
    Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭Edgware


    byrner88 wrote: »
    I met a nice girl in a bar last night and told her to call me when she makes it home.

    She must be homeless

    I've been going out with a homeless woman for a while now and its getting serious. She wants us to move out together


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    #2840
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    RayCon wrote: »
    In the meantime Gillette have made a razor for dyslexics ..... it's the best thing since sliced beard.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
    He sold his soul to Santa.

    We should stop these jokes or the National Dyslexia Association (DNA) will be complaining.


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    #2841
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,328 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    They have a lawsuit pretty much ready, it's just a matter of crossing the i's and dotting the t's.


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    #2842
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    What do we want ?
    A cure for Alzheimer's....

    When do we want it ?
    When do we want what ?


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    #2843
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,721 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I came out of Aldi this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.
    She'd lost all her holiday money.

    I felt so sorry for her I gave her €50.


    I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found €2000 in the carpark.


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    #2844
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,721 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call an Italian beggar?


    Giovanni Change


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    #2845
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on Ebay?
    I bid €10 for a cowboy outfit and now I'm 5 minutes away from owning Man United!


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    #2846
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,721 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Tommy Robinson got a longer sentence than most of his supporters can string together.


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    #2847
    von Smallhausen
    Registered Users Posts: 1,162 ✭✭✭von Smallhausen


    A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A CLEVER GIRL AND HER MOM

    Girl: Mom a boy at school wanted me to climb a tree.

    Mom: I hope you didn't do so my girl because he wanted to see your pantie.

    Girl:i knew it mum and I was very clever, i took it off before climbing the tree!


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    #2848
    Stevieluvsye
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭Stevieluvsye


    Did ye hear about the blind carpenter?

    Picked up his hammer and saw.


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    #2849
    Stevieluvsye
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭Stevieluvsye


    Did ye hear about the gay magician?

    Vanished with a puff.


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    #2850
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,985 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The Patron Saint of copying people on email is St. Francis of A CC


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    #2851
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    A beekeeper walks into a shop and orders a dozen bees.
    The shopkeeper counts out 13 bees and hands them to saying “the 13th is a freebie.”


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