Anyone else enjoy being single?

ginandtonicsky · 05-04-2019 6:33am

It’s not an “I enjoy” or “don’t enjoy” thing, it’s just me really. Single about a year and a half now after two LTRs during my 20s/early 30s.

I’ve always been pretty independent though and don’t get people that aren’t. I mean we all entered and will exit this world alone, if you can’t be in your own company for more than a few minutes then you’re kind of screwed.

I’ve flirted with the apps but have come to realise than they’re not the way of emotional evolution for your standard human so these days I’m just doing my best in life and seeing who I meet along the way. I get a fair amount of male attention especially since I opened my eyes up to the world around me and deleted all the bs apps from my phone.

Met a guy at a wedding recently, another guy from an old workplace got in touch, a work acquaintance, guy at a house party, etc. I love flirting, I love the possibilities. Maybe that’s something I enjoy about being single - knowing that the sky’s the limit, even at this grand aul age of 33. As long as you’re engaging with the world and don’t take life too seriously. I know myself now and know what simply will not work for me. I was merely spitting in the wind in my 20s.

I think in Ireland we can be accused of being a bit narrow minded when it comes to the traditional timelines, married by 28, babies by 30, nappies and mortgages for the ensuing decade. That was never going to be me. I know that now, but I spent an awful lot of time worrying about it in the past. I see friends making these big life decisions driven purely by fear, be it fear of judgement or fear of “missing the boat” or whatever and I wouldn’t swap places for all the money in the world. I’ve learned through experience that for me there’s no hell quite like the wrong relationship.

That said, love is everything. I’ve got the most wonderful family in the world and would love to replicate that with someone special. I love the security and warmth and support of having someone to come home to. I suspect I’ll find it again too, I find men a lot more forthcoming now that I’m in my 30s than ever before. I went through hell in my most recent breakup and I think it ultimately opened me up a little, I’m quite attuned to the battle-hardened types we tend to be in our 30s. Divorced men love me! :-D

You have to be brave too if you want to meet someone. I’ve got too many friends who sit around complaining about men or the apps and I’m like - but what did YOU do about it? Did you ask him out, did you make eye contact, smile, flirt, crack a joke? Text him telling him you like him? You have to meet people halfway, that’s the only way relationships have ever happened for me.

If someone asked me to describe myself, “single” would not be a word that I’d use. I find that problematic in people - they see it as this negative thing, something to be ashamed of, or on the inverse, they tout it as something that makes them great or better than someone else’s life decisions. It shouldn’t define you, just like being in a relationship shouldn’t either. The trouble with thinking that way is that it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. People either self identify so strongly with being “perpetually single” that they never meet someone or they stay in the wrong relationships. An awful lot of that around too.

Mister Vain · 05-04-2019 7:17am

TomasMacR wrote: »

no, totally agree. travel, eating, drinking, cinema etc. alone is thoroughly enjoyable and a lot of people judge it as being odd. point missed and that's not what I'm saying at all...im saying meeting someone on your travels momentarily, taking a picture with them and posting it on social media to show your "friends" who don't seem to know whether you are gay or straight is odd. unless of course he rode her and it was some kind of childish trophy memento to show his "friends"

You're reading waaaay too much into that and totally missing the point.

lainey_d_123 · 05-04-2019 9:29am

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

It’s not an “I enjoy” or “don’t enjoy” thing, it’s just me really. Single about a year and a half now after two LTRs during my 20s/early 30s.

I’ve always been pretty independent though and don’t get people that aren’t. I mean we all entered and will exit this world alone, if you can’t be in your own company for more than a few minutes then you’re kind of screwed.

I’ve flirted with the apps but have come to realise than they’re not the way of emotional evolution for your standard human so these days I’m just doing my best in life and seeing who I meet along the way. I get a fair amount of male attention especially since I opened my eyes up to the world around me and deleted all the bs apps from my phone.

Met a guy at a wedding recently, another guy from an old workplace got in touch, a work acquaintance, guy at a house party, etc. I love flirting, I love the possibilities. Maybe that’s something I enjoy about being single - knowing that the sky’s the limit, even at this grand aul age of 33. As long as you’re engaging with the world and don’t take life too seriously. I know myself now and know what simply will not work for me. I was merely spitting in the wind in my 20s.

I think in Ireland we can be accused of being a bit narrow minded when it comes to the traditional timelines, married by 28, babies by 30, nappies and mortgages for the ensuing decade. That was never going to be me. I know that now, but I spent an awful lot of time worrying about it in the past. I see friends making these big life decisions driven purely by fear, be it fear of judgement or fear of “missing the boat” or whatever and I wouldn’t swap places for all the money in the world. I’ve learned through experience that for me there’s no hell quite like the wrong relationship.

That said, love is everything. I’ve got the most wonderful family in the world and would love to replicate that with someone special. I love the security and warmth and support of having someone to come home to. I suspect I’ll find it again too, I find men a lot more forthcoming now that I’m in my 30s than ever before. I went through hell in my most recent breakup and I think it ultimately opened me up a little, I’m quite attuned to the battle-hardened types we tend to be in our 30s. Divorced men love me! :-D

You have to be brave too if you want to meet someone. I’ve got too many friends who sit around complaining about men or the apps and I’m like - but what did YOU do about it? Did you ask him out, did you make eye contact, smile, flirt, crack a joke? Text him telling him you like him? You have to meet people halfway, that’s the only way relationships have ever happened for me.

If someone asked me to describe myself, “single” would not be a word that I’d use. I find that problematic in people - they see it as this negative thing, something to be ashamed of, or on the inverse, they tout it as something that makes them great or better than someone else’s life decisions. It shouldn’t define you, just like being in a relationship shouldn’t either. The trouble with thinking that way is that it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. People either self identify so strongly with being “perpetually single” that they never meet someone or they stay in the wrong relationships. An awful lot of that around too.

This stood out to me, because, same. I've recently discovered eye contact. My therapist pointed out how I just avoid people's gaze (I'm on the autistic spectrum) and how it comes across as totally avoidant. I've also been wary of strange men since being harassed in the street a fair bit as a teenager with big boobs, so it's a protection mechanism too. Recently I've started looking people in the eye, and if I notice a man smiling or looking at me, I look back and smile back. Total game changer. Sounds so silly but I just hadn't realised how avoidant I used to be. I complained that nobody was approaching me but now I see that I wasn't giving them any signal to, and all my body language was screaming 'leave me alone', which ironically meant that only the most persistent and usually obnoxious guys still approached anyway.

leahyl · 05-04-2019 11:01am

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

This stood out to me, because, same. I've recently discovered eye contact. My therapist pointed out how I just avoid people's gaze (I'm on the autistic spectrum) and how it comes across as totally avoidant. I've also been wary of strange men since being harassed in the street a fair bit as a teenager with big boobs, so it's a protection mechanism too. Recently I've started looking people in the eye, and if I notice a man smiling or looking at me, I look back and smile back. Total game changer. Sounds so silly but I just hadn't realised how avoidant I used to be. I complained that nobody was approaching me but now I see that I wasn't giving them any signal to, and all my body language was screaming 'leave me alone', which ironically meant that only the most persistent and usually obnoxious guys still approached anyway.

A very good point. When I think about myself, when I'm out and about I never make eye contact with anyone and I never seem to notice anything/make observations that friends of mine would. It's a shyness/self-esteem thing with me. I think I'm going to have to try to be more approachable/smiley (?!) cos this online dating thing is just not my bag at all.

Woke Hogan · 05-04-2019 11:13am

While I’m sure there exceptions most of the people who claim to be happy being single scream “given up on myself” to me.

ginandtonicsky · 05-04-2019 11:32am

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

This stood out to me, because, same. I've recently discovered eye contact. My therapist pointed out how I just avoid people's gaze (I'm on the autistic spectrum) and how it comes across as totally avoidant. I've also been wary of strange men since being harassed in the street a fair bit as a teenager with big boobs, so it's a protection mechanism too. Recently I've started looking people in the eye, and if I notice a man smiling or looking at me, I look back and smile back. Total game changer. Sounds so silly but I just hadn't realised how avoidant I used to be. I complained that nobody was approaching me but now I see that I wasn't giving them any signal to, and all my body language was screaming 'leave me alone', which ironically meant that only the most persistent and usually obnoxious guys still approached anyway.

Yep. It really is. Poor self-esteem and perhaps a deep-seated fear of rejection led to a habit of avoiding eye contact with men for me too over the years. Especially men I find attractive.

The strange thing is I'm great socially, great at the banter and the chats with work colleagues, friends, friends of friends etc but if I see someone checking me out over the years I'd immediately have averted my gaze.

I live in London and have noticed once you actually look up and don't avert your gaze, lots of guys are looking in your direction! I get glances, smiles, all the rest of it. Body language is so so huge with this stuff, it really is. And you need yours to be open. Look back and smile. Position yourself near someone you're interested in. Don't hide away in the corner with a huddle of friends if you're in a bar/pub/whatever.

It's really a two-way street. But I think people forget that and perhaps get knocked back a handful of times / don't get approached and think "fcuk men/women!" and their body language totally shuts down.

Dial Hard · 05-04-2019 11:42am

Ramona Shrilling Matchmaking wrote: »

I don't think it's good for the individuals to b e joined at the hip but it's not good for the relationship either, probably. You have to have time to miss each other like.

As a wiser soul than me once said in response to the "You complete me" nonsense that gets peddled about relationships, your significant other should be complementary, not supplementary.

Tell me how · 05-04-2019 11:51am

Dial Hard wrote: »

As a wiser soul than me once said in response to the "You complete me" nonsense that gets peddled about relationships, your significant other should be complementary, not supplementary.

It depends on how you view it.

Someone could be living while being single with (hypothetically) 95% satisfaction* in terms of daily happiness, enjoyement, contentment etc.

Having a partner may allow them to experience intimacy, companionship, selfless love in a way that they couldn't really do on their own raising their satisfaction levels to 100%. In this case, could they not say that being in a relationship (which allows the above) completes them in a certain way?

What do I have no time for is the expression that someone is nothing without their partner. That's just plain false.

* the satisfaction percentage is purely for the sake of discussion, it is subjective to each person and I don't know if anyone truly ever reaches 95% or above.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b · 05-04-2019 12:16pm

Tell me how wrote: »

Someone could be living while being single with (hypothetically) 95% satisfaction* in terms of daily happiness, enjoyement, contentment etc.

Having a partner may allow them to experience intimacy, companionship, selfless love in a way that they couldn't really do on their own raising their satisfaction levels to 100%. In this case, could they not say that being in a relationship (which allows the above) completes them in a certain way?

I'd say that nowhere outside of Disney films do there exist relationships where both people are 100% satisfied!

Studies do show that people in relationships (and especially married couples) are generally happier than single people -- but that of course does not mean that all partnered people are happier than all singles. Being in a relationship comes with the potential for deep unhappiness as well. Not insignificant numbers of married people experience affairs, physical and/or emotional abuse, controlling or bullying partners, withdrawal of sexual intimacy, divorce, and other traumatic and hurtful life events that single people don't have to deal with.

So I'd say that a single person could be significantly better off in terms of happiness and contentment than someone in a relationship, especially a troubled relationship.

Tell me how · 05-04-2019 12:57pm

Raelynn Pitiful Minion wrote: »

I'd say that nowhere outside of Disney films do there exist relationships where both people are 100% satisfied!

Studies do show that people in relationships (and especially married couples) are generally happier than single people -- but that of course does not mean that all partnered people are happier than all singles. Being in a relationship comes with the potential for deep unhappiness as well. Not insignificant numbers of married people experience affairs, physical and/or emotional abuse, controlling or bullying partners, withdrawal of sexual intimacy, divorce, and other traumatic and hurtful life events that single people don't have to deal with.

So I'd say that a single person could be significantly better off in terms of happiness and contentment than someone in a relationship, especially a troubled relationship.

Most definitely, they 'could' be, but not categorically so.

Sunny Disposition · 05-04-2019 3:44pm

It's definitely possible to be fairly happy on your own, certainly for a man. But I think it's hard if you don't have a few good friends who are single also. Of course its still possible, but you're quite likely to be lonely.
I don't think there's a thing in the world wrong with being single, but it's a bit depressing if people close themselves off from the possibility of having a relationship.

07-04-2019 8:18am

Sorry about that wrote: »

You mean not working out like this:

In 2017, there were 15,833 disclosures of domestic violence against women noted during 21,451 contacts with Women's Aid Direct Services. There were 10,281 incidents of emotional abuse, 3,502 incidents of physical abuse and 1,443 incidents of financial abuse disclosed. In the same year, 607 incidents of sexual abuse were disclosed to our services including 323 rapes. The Women's Aid National Helpline responded to 15,952 calls in 2016. (Women's Aid Impact Report 2017)

Let's get the stats from Mens Aid. Oh wait, there isn't a mens aid. Well there is, Amen, but it isn't well known and doesn't have a fraction of the resources Women's Aid has.

07-04-2019 8:23am

Feisar wrote: »

Well I can't bugger off on hols as I please, changing jobs is something for instance that'd have to be discussed, sure even the dinner if you think about it has to be something we both like. Aligning your life path with someone else will have restrictions or holds on one or compromises, well unless people lead almost separate lives.

You forgot the correct way to pack the dishwasher.

07-04-2019 8:30am

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I’ve got too many friends who sit around complaining about men or the apps and I’m like - but what did YOU do about it? Did you ask him out, did you make eye contact, smile, flirt, crack a joke? Text him telling him you like him? You have to meet people halfway, that’s the only way relationships have ever happened for me.

Some women seem to think being bitchy and sarcastic is the way to attract a guy they like.

Eircom_Sucks · 07-04-2019 4:06pm

Should get a group from here meet up once a month and have a laugh

Eircom_Sucks · 07-04-2019 4:10pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Some women seem to think being bitchy and sarcastic is the way to attract a guy they like.

I joined match.com and worst mistake ever

Im not a bad looking bloke by any means , but when you mail a woman a nice message , they view your profile and instantly block you based on your pics , and you can’t even ask why you were blocker etc , any that i have chatted too are so far up their rears its u real , all career career career , i don’t want to hear about your mundane poxy job thanks next

Just so uptight , wasnt like this 10 years ago

People so hung up on looks , me i just wanna find a lady with a cheeky grin or twinkle in her eye , but women seem to want the geordie shore rejects , ahhhh rant over

ToddyDoody · 07-04-2019 6:07pm

Woke Hogan wrote: »

While I’m sure there exceptions most of the people who claim to be happy being single scream “given up on myself” to me.

I must tell people that when they ask why I'm still single.

poisonated · 07-04-2019 10:40pm

Woke Hogan wrote: »

While I’m sure there exceptions most of the people who claim to be happy being single scream “given up on myself” to me.

I’m so sorry you have this mindset. Chin up.

Gimme A Pound · 07-04-2019 10:44pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Some women seem to think being bitchy and sarcastic is the way to attract a guy they like.

That's because of that "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" tripe some view as a suitable approach.

Widdershins · 07-04-2019 10:54pm

Well I thought the plan was to be single for the first time in my life but I keep running into a bit of a diversion..actually, two of them ... I don't know what to think . My life is confusing . It's a lot to process .

Maybe polyamory isn't such a bad idea . They could be like a little support group for each other when I get hard to put up with .

Woke Hogan · 07-04-2019 11:23pm

ToddyDoody wrote: »

I must tell people that when they ask why I'm still single.

Or you could stop making posts you read on the internet personally, I was speaking generally.

Woke Hogan · 07-04-2019 11:23pm

poisonated wrote: »

I’m so sorry you have this mindset. Chin up.

Chin up what? I have been happily married for decades.

ToddyDoody · 07-04-2019 11:27pm

Woke Hogan wrote: »

Or you could stop making posts you read on the internet personally, I was speaking generally.

I was replying in the abstract sense, not the personalisatic sense.

lainey_d_123 · 07-04-2019 11:48pm

Woke Hogan wrote: »

Chin up what? I have been happily married for decades.

I don't know if it was how it was meant, but I took it to mean that they feel sorry for you for being judgemental and condescending.

Arghus · 07-04-2019 11:53pm

When I'm out gallivanting and having the craic it feels great.

When I'm hungover the next day it doesn't feel great.

ToddyDoody · 07-04-2019 11:54pm

Weird Mind Games wrote: »

No is the answer. When I was younger all I wanted to do was sleep with as many women as possible. I thought that was the key to happiness. I achieved that goal, to an extent, but it's a pretty meaningless way to live.

Now all I want is love, someone who gets me, a soul mate.

I don't care how gay that sounds.

That does sound incredibly gay. Is it something you'd be interested in?

Western Lowland Gorilla · 08-04-2019 2:23am

I would consider myself happy enough being single but at the same time it might be nice not to be.

I don't see things changing for the forseeable though, as I have a few things to do in order to sort my life out :pac:

WinnyThePoo · 08-04-2019 3:25am

Almost 30,Single and living on the bread line. So the thought of bankrupting myself to go on a date doesn't appeal.

Maybe down the line when things are financially better I might try one of the dating apps.

suicide_circus · 08-04-2019 3:29am

Eircom_Sucks wrote: »

I joined match.com and worst mistake ever

Im not a bad looking bloke by any means , but when you mail a woman a nice message , they view your profile and instantly block you based on your pics , and you can’t even ask why you were blocker etc , any that i have chatted too are so far up their rears its u real , all career career career , i don’t want to hear about your mundane poxy job thanks next

people with no personality tend to talk about their jobs a lot. they also take up "interesting" hobbies and talk about how "mad" they are. watch out for a lot of talk about all the travelling theyve done, red alert.

Western Lowland Gorilla · 08-04-2019 6:59am

WinnyThePoo wrote: »

Almost 30,Single and living on the bread line. So the thought of bankrupting myself to go on a date doesn't appeal.

Maybe down the line when things are financially better I might try one of the dating apps.

Agreed.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm broke as f*ck and can't afford you"

Anyone else enjoy being single?

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