Has he lost interest?

Sugarloaf12345 · 28-09-2018 02:44PM #1

I have been seeing a guy for two months now and we meet up on average about 1-3 times per week. I stayed over at his Tuesday night and before I left Wednesday morning I asked if he was going drinking with mates this weekend. He said no and asked me I said no. He then said if his mates were doing something non alcohol related he would join them but didn’t want to do anything alcohol related. One of these mates is recently single after a bad break up. I asked if he wanted to do something with me if he wasn’t with them and he said yea and i told him to let me know he said he would. But I haven’t heard from him since. Should I take it he doesn’t want to meet or he would have text?

I don’t want to text him first as I have text him first and asked him to meet the last two times and I want to see if he’s interested in his own. But I’m worried he may be slow fading me which I am terrified of as I have been ghosted twice before and It hurt me a lot. I hate not knowing and not hearing from him. Does it appear as if he’s loosing interest and starting to "slow fade"? What should I do?

never_mind · 28-09-2018 03:04PM

If it's been two months I would be looking at making things official or moving on. It might be that he isn't that pushed about doing anything this weekend at all and if he is it will be non-alcohol and quiet. In my opinion I'd send him a text to ask him how his week has been and then ask him what's he at for the weekend. Wait for him to ask you what you're at.. maybe have something lined up (e.g. going for brunch/early lunch with friends...) so he knows you have plans outside of him but have spare time to hang out with him.

I wouldn't read too much into not be the person to drive the plan-making. there is always one person in any relationship who is more outgoing!

Sugarloaf12345 · 28-09-2018 03:08PM

never_mind wrote: »

If it's been two months I would be looking at making things official or moving on. It might be that he isn't that pushed about doing anything this weekend at all and if he is it will be non-alcohol and quiet. In my opinion I'd send him a text to ask him how his week has been and then ask him what's he at for the weekend. Wait for him to ask you what you're at.. maybe have something lined up (e.g. going for brunch/early lunch with friends...) so he knows you have plans outside of him but have spare time to hang out with him.

I wouldn't read too much into not be the person to drive the plan-making. there is always one person in any relationship who is more outgoing!

Thank you for your advice I will take it on board.
However I am a little hurt and peed off as he did tell me he’d let me know Wednesday morning it is now Friday evening and he hasn’t even text me. I find it a little rude of him not to contact and let me know either way, if he didn’t want to meet he could just tell me like he said he would and have respect for my time. Maybe I’m way off but would you agree?
I just know if that was me I wouldn’t keep someone hanging this long esp at a weekend

never_mind · 28-09-2018 03:16PM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Thank you for your advice I will take it on board.
However I am a little hurt and peed off as he did tell me he’d let me know Wednesday morning it is now Friday evening and he hasn’t even text me. I find it a little rude of him not to contact and let me know either way, if he didn’t want to meet he could just tell me like he said he would and have respect for my time. Maybe I’m way off but would you agree?
I just know if that was me I wouldn’t keep someone hanging this long esp at a weekend

Hmm... if that's the case then yeah it's a bit of a punch in the teeth. But it could be that something has happened or that he forgot he would be the first to text. Has he communicated at all with you even just a 'Hey how are ya?'. Unfortunately the ghosting thing seems to be how things work these days... no one has the guts any more to be mannerly and upfront.

Sugarloaf12345 · 28-09-2018 03:17PM

No I haven’t heard anything from him not a hello not a snapchat not anything since I left his house Wednesday morning. Which I find is very hurtful and rude because he could have at least told me he couldn’t meet to let me free to do something else

seenitall · 28-09-2018 03:29PM

Hi OP,

One of the best pieces of advice I could give you here is to stop stressing about this sort of thing. This guy is just someone you've been seeing, and is really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you'll have a happier, and more stress-free life.

As is often said on these pages, never treat as a priority someone who treats you as merely an option. What that means is that you should have put other plans for your weekend in place once you didn't hear from him on Wednesday. And that you should at least do it now.

If it is a slow fade, then so be it. I wouldn't even bother with someone who is so lackadaisical about seeing me, tbh. I'd have simply lost interest by that point. That's the way I operate at least, and believe me, I am having A LOT more fun dating now that I am setting a high value on my time and my plans, as opposed to back when I was fretting why he didn't text by whenever he said he would, should I text him instead, is he interested, how interested is he, is he too busy, should I cut him some slack..? So much overthinking about such a simple thing: when a man wants to be with you, you'll know all about it. If you don't hear from him, I'm sorry - but he's not bothered.

This comes from knowing how happy it makes me when I feel truly wanted and valued in a relationship, and once you know that about yourself, you won't settle for anything less. Why would you want to settle for less than being made happy by someone special?

Once you start valuing and loving yourself, you will attract the kind of man who won't leave you hanging. Not even once.

Best wishes.

zapper55 · 28-09-2018 03:29PM

He doesn't sound hugely arsed.

What's the contact like during the week, does he initiate dates much? Are they mostly alcohol/sex based?

zapper55 · 28-09-2018 03:30PM

Actually ignore my post, seenitall's is spot on.

Sugarloaf12345 · 28-09-2018 03:37PM

no not alcohol/sex based. And he used to be good until now.

Sugarloaf12345 · 28-09-2018 03:39PM

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

One of the best pieces of advice I could give you here is to stop stressing about this sort of thing. This guy is just someone you've been seeing, and is really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you'll have a happier, and more stress-free life.

As is often said on these pages, never treat as a priority someone who treats you as merely an option. What that means is that you should have put other plans for your weekend in place once you didn't hear from him on Wednesday. And that you should at least do it now.

If it is a slow fade, then so be it. I wouldn't even bother with someone who is so lackadaisical about seeing me, tbh. I'd have simply lost interest by that point. That's the way I operate at least, and believe me, I am having A LOT more fun dating now that I am setting a high value on my time and my plans, as opposed to back when I was fretting why he didn't text by whenever he said he would, should I text him instead, is he interested, how interested is he, is he too busy, should I cut him some slack..? So much overthinking about such a simple thing: when a man wants to be with you, you'll know all about it. If you don't hear from him, I'm sorry - but he's not bothered.

This comes from knowing how happy it makes me when I feel truly wanted and valued in a relationship, and once you know that about yourself, you won't settle for anything less. Why would you want to settle for less than being made happy by someone special?

Once you start valuing and loving yourself, you will attract the kind of man who won't leave you hanging. Not even once.

Best wishes.

This is brilliant thank you for taking the time to give all this advice.
What is the best thing to do now? Just leave him altogether and let him come to me? I havent seen or spoke to him since I left his house Wednesday AM. As he did tell me he would let me know I dont want to go messaging him.

IS he not being a bit of a d*** though by not letting me know like he said he would and for not texting me in general? We slept together Wed. night and it makes me feel like s*** now that he couldnt even acknowledge me and my plans for the weekend

Sugarloaf12345 · 28-09-2018 05:09PM

Should I leave him or text him?

LegacyUser · 28-09-2018 05:39PM

If I was you OP I'd leave it for now. You'll just be annoyed with yourself for texting first again. As the other poster said if he was interested you'd know about it. I would go and make your own plans with friends.. as seenitall said once you meet the right person you won't experience any of this anxiety cause it's not what good relationships are like.

zapper55 · 28-09-2018 06:07PM

What age are you op? Only you can make that decision. People here can only give their opinion.

woodchuck · 28-09-2018 06:31PM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Should I leave him or text him?

I'd go ahead and make other plans for the weekend.

If he doesn't get in touch over the weekend, then I'd send him off to the island of lost men.

If he does get in touch and you already have other plans, then he should get the message that you don't exist just to be at his beck and whim. It'll be his own fault for not pinning down plans sooner.

Sugarloaf12345 · 28-09-2018 06:58PM

We are both late 20s hence why I expect a bit more respect at this stage. Even if he chose to go with his friends that’s ok. What’s bothering me is he 1) hasn’t made any effort to contact me since Wednesday and 2) out of respect he could have just said yay or nay. I’m afraid he’s beginning to start ghosting me which is bothering me hugely as I have been ghosted before and it’s a horrible place

alibab · 28-09-2018 07:08PM

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

One of the best pieces of advice I could give you here is to stop stressing about this sort of thing. This guy is just someone you've been seeing, and is really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you'll have a happier, and more stress-free life.

As is often said on these pages, never treat as a priority someone who treats you as merely an option. What that means is that you should have put other plans for your weekend in place once you didn't hear from him on Wednesday. And that you should at least do it now.

If it is a slow fade, then so be it. I wouldn't even bother with someone who is so lackadaisical about seeing me, tbh. I'd have simply lost interest by that point. That's the way I operate at least, and believe me, I am having A LOT more fun dating now that I am setting a high value on my time and my plans, as opposed to back when I was fretting why he didn't text by whenever he said he would, should I text him instead, is he interested, how interested is he, is he too busy, should I cut him some slack..? So much overthinking about such a simple thing: when a man wants to be with you, you'll know all about it. If you don't hear from him, I'm sorry - but he's not bothered.

This comes from knowing how happy it makes me when I feel truly wanted and valued in a relationship, and once you know that about yourself, you won't settle for anything less. Why would you want to settle for less than being made happy by someone special?

Once you start valuing and loving yourself, you will attract the kind of man who won't leave you hanging. Not even once.

Best wishes.

Read this post and then read it again as it’s spot in . Dating these days is a mine field but the truth is that if a guy is into you then you will know it and you will not be asking these questions. Contact will be at least daily . This guy is not worth your energy as you are just the back up plan etc and he may like you enough but ultimately will always be looking for the next best thing .

Make plans for the weekend and stick to them etc even if he txts you last minute. There is nothing more soul destroying then feeling like a booty call . Take back some self respect and let him off

ginandtonicsky · 28-09-2018 10:17PM

Seenitall's post is like a public service announcement to all single women!

So incredibly true and important. When you fancy someone, lines can become blurred and you can easily slip into overthinking and second guessing their every move. What helps in that scenario is to ask yourself a simple question: is fretting over someone like this going to make me happy? What about in a year, or five years? What sort of life will I have when someone's lack of conviction presents all kinds of insecurities and questions in my head?

The most special thing in the world is being cherished, honoured and respected by a partner. Knowing that they think you're the best thing since sliced bread and they wouldn't dare let you think otherwise for even a second. That is entirely possible and entirely what you deserve.

Don't waste your time on someone that can't be arsed to make plans with you or give you the courtesy of a text days after you were intimate with him. Who's willing to let you slide into the weekend not knowing if you'll see him, not caring if you make other plans.

Make other plans. It doesn't matter if he's Ryan Gosling, this kind of behaviour will never make you happy. Make plans and don't spend the weekend staring at your phone. You're better than that.

Onwards and upwards.

fineso.mom · 28-09-2018 10:32PM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

No I haven’t heard anything from him not a hello not a snapchat not anything since I left his house Wednesday morning. Which I find is very hurtful and rude because he could have at least told me he couldn’t meet to let me free to do something else

Just on your last line there op.....you ARE free to do whatever you want at the weekend. Your time is just as important as his.

Sugarloaf12345 · 28-09-2018 11:09PM

fineso.mom wrote: »

Just on your last line there op.....you ARE free to do whatever you want at the weekend. Your time is just as important as his.

I know that and i have made plans whats bothering me more is the fact he hasnt been in touch that worries me

alibab · 29-09-2018 09:08AM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I know that and i have made plans whats bothering me more is the fact he hasnt been in touch that worries me

But what is worrying your. He is a coward and he is ghosting you unfortunately. At this stage you havec2 choices . Just forget about him or take back the control and txt him a message yourself for closure ending things . You do not need to be waiting around for him to do it and really if he was to txt you now it would be because he has nothing else on . If he did txt I hope you would have the self respect to tell him where to go . You spent the night with him last Tuesday night and he hasn’t contacted you since this is not a man that’s interested.

It’s hard to accept and can knock the confidence once again but try to let it go and move on and just think of him as another man who does not deserve your attention.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-09-2018 11:41AM

alibab wrote: »

But what is worrying your. He is a coward and he is ghosting you unfortunately. At this stage you havec2 choices . Just forget about him or take back the control and txt him a message yourself for closure ending things . You do not need to be waiting around for him to do it and really if he was to txt you now it would be because he has nothing else on . If he did txt I hope you would have the self respect to tell him where to go . You spent the night with him last Tuesday night and he hasn’t contacted you since this is not a man that’s interested.

It’s hard to accept and can knock the confidence once again but try to let it go and move on and just think of him as another man who does not deserve your attention.

Your right, in all you say. He is a d*** for doing this. Ghosting is the most horrible feeling, I have been ghosted before and I feared it would happen again and it has. I feel its mean and disrespectful to not even check in with me after all this time. He clearly doesnt give two hoots about me.

I am very upset at the moment to the point I cried this morning. I really liked him and was enjoying how things were going. He seemed so mature and intelligent I really didnt think he would be so disrespectful and immature to behave this way. Plus he knows I am going through a tough time right now as I am grieving the loss of a family member. I am really hurt and let down. Its not about the plans tonight its more the fact he hasnt bid the time of day since. He has treated me like s***

alibab · 29-09-2018 11:52AM

I have been where you have been and unfortunately ghosted quite a bit also . I am sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time . I know when dating starts becoming a chore or knocking my confidence a bit I take a break for awhile just to rebuild myself etc and just concentrate on myself for awhile . I am currently doing this after a bad run myself . I had one booty call me last night out of the blue ðŸ™ it’s never ending. I can spot the messers and players more easily now and I am much more picky about dates etc . Chin up and meet your friends and try and enjoy the weekend. He is not worth your headspace.

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-09-2018 12:25PM

Out of interest for the guys on here that have ghosted women in the past.. what would you think if the girl hadn’t messaged you since the last time you seen them? Would you feel you were ghosted too?

I’m trying to get perspective from his side also. I haven’t text him since I left his house Wednesday morning after staying over the night before. Would you think/ does it look like I’m ghosting him? Or make me look like a s***?

Teyla Emmagan · 29-09-2018 12:51PM

He said he would contact you, and he didn't. So how could you possibly have ghosted him? This whole texting business is nonsense, but that's another story.

I am sorry you are unhappy and that this has clearly come at a vulnerable time for you but you have over invested in this guy too soon. Some randomer you have only known a short while should not have the power to hurt you like this. I have been in your shoes and for exactly the same reason but this is not worth any tears or the rest of your weekend.

Go out and go for a walk, it's a beautiful day. And if he does get in touch at the last minute then you are busy. Because you have better things to do than hang around waiting for some inconsiderate eejit to text you.

Ursus Horribilis · 29-09-2018 01:11PM

Once you find yourself in "Should I text?" territory, you know you're in trouble. Whatever it is you have with this guy isn't going to fall apart simply because one of you didn't send a text. Your gut has been telling you he's losing interest and it's looking like you're right.

Did you ever make things official?

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-09-2018 01:51PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Once you find yourself in "Should I text?" territory, you know you're in trouble. Whatever it is you have with this guy isn't going to fall apart simply because one of you didn't send a text. Your gut has been telling you he's losing interest and it's looking like you're right.

Did you ever make things official?

Not really but I have met his friends and neither of us have been using our online accounts.
I don’t know if it’s my gut or fear of being ghosted though that’s the thing

Ursus Horribilis · 29-09-2018 02:05PM

If he's ghosting you, it's going to happen regardless of anything you think or do. If that makes sense?

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-09-2018 02:41PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If he's ghosting you, it's going to happen regardless of anything you think or do. If that makes sense?

Yes. How do I know for sure he’s ghosting?

29-09-2018 02:45PM

If he was interested he would have texted or called by now.
Even to say hi or he is busy this weekend, or whatever.
He is not that bothered. He may even come back in contact & try to stay together.
Could you be bothered? Why put up with someone who is not bothered by you

Sugarloaf12345 · 29-09-2018 03:27PM

bubblypop wrote: »

If he was interested he would have texted or called by now.
Even to say hi or he is busy this weekend, or whatever.
He is not that bothered. He may even come back in contact & try to stay together.
Could you be bothered? Why put up with someone who is not bothered by you

Yea I know your right deep down.

At this stage of dating though is it deemed acceptable for him to do this or is he just a pr*** not to at least text me and tell me he didn’t want to keep things going?

bottlebrush · 29-09-2018 03:44PM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Yea I know your right deep down.

At this stage of dating though is it deemed acceptable for him to do this or is he just a pr*** not to at least text me and tell me he didn’t want to keep things going?

doesn't matter whether it's deemed acceptable or not. in the ideal world of course its not acceptable. whether he's right or wrong is still not going to make him more into you. He is doing what a lot of people do - he has taken the path of least resistance. he may not have told you in words but he is letting you know by his actions. if he contacts you to go meet up with him tonight and you drop other plans to do so then you are deeming his behaviour acceptable and that's how he will continue. you will always be on tenterhooks wondering if he is going to be in touch. only you can decide if that's good enough for you.

Has he lost interest?

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