Has he lost interest?

sunshinew

I really feel for you OP. Ghosting is such a horrible way to treat somebody, especially after you've been sleeping with somebody. It really does say more about him than it does about you though. But that doesn't help the feeling of insecurity, disappointment and those wasted days of not knowing what's happening staring at your phone.

I've dated a lot and I've been ghosted 4 times in my 20 years of dating. The first two times I never responded or texted.. both those men, a few months/years later, contacted me again thinking I might be interested. I think they thought by just disappearing, nothing had been said and they were leaving the door open...needless to say I told them where to go.

The last two times I texted the ghosters after a few days of no contact. All advice I got from people was to not text, to leave it, but for me I felt that condoned ghosting as a way of treating people. It's become so acceptable nowadays and it goes against my morals and principles. I texted something along the lines of "I take it from your lack of contact that you are not interested anymore. That's fine, though it's a shame you couldn't text to let me know. It's a poor way to treat somebody. You should have more respect for people you date, but also for yourself and your own reputation." I know... A bit crazy lady! but I wanted to take back control, get my own closure and finish the relationship with a bit of respect for myself. Both times the men replied with an apology and an excuse and a general I've been busy but yeah don't see a future, Yadda Yadda. I've run into them since and been able to hold my head high.

I'm not advising you to do that. It really is up to you as only you know how the relationship was going. For me it helped me to move on faster and I felt I stuck to my own values.

Seenitall's advice is great though. Don't be somebody's option. Put a value on yourself. I hope you enjoy your wkd.

Faith

bubblypop wrote: »

If he was interested he would have texted or called by now.
Even to say hi or he is busy this weekend, or whatever.
He is not that bothered. He may even come back in contact & try to stay together.
Could you be bothered? Why put up with someone who is not bothered by you

This is something I genuinely don't understand. It's just as easy to say that if she was interested, she would have texted or called him by now.

The amount of people who refuse to take situations by the horns just bemuses and frustrates me. If everyone clearly communicated with each other, life would be so much easier. Nobody wins by sitting around wondering if they've been ghosted, when the other party could just as easily be going through the exact same confusion. I couldn't bear the anxiety of not knowing for sure, tbh.

Sugarloaf12345

Faith wrote: »

This is something I genuinely don't understand. It's just as easy to say that if she was interested, she would have texted or called him by now.

The amount of people who refuse to take situations by the horns just bemuses and frustrates me. If everyone clearly communicated with each other, life would be so much easier. Nobody wins by sitting around wondering if they've been ghosted, when the other party could just as easily be going through the exact same confusion. I couldn't bear the anxiety of not knowing for sure, tbh.

This is what confuses me. Some people say no leave him be dont bother texting him and more say its a two way street. I said in an earlier post, that what if hes thinking im ghosting him? To be fair he normally does text first after we meet its just the last time I text first and asked him to meet. Hence why I dont know whether to try text one more time and see how it goes or leave it altogether. So confused

Faith

Faith wrote: »

This is something I genuinely don't understand. It's just as easy to say that if she was interested, she would have texted or called him by now.

The amount of people who refuse to take situations by the horns just bemuses and frustrates me. If everyone clearly communicated with each other, life would be so much easier. Nobody wins by sitting around wondering if they've been ghosted, when the other party could just as easily be going through the exact same confusion. I couldn't bear the anxiety of not knowing for sure, tbh.

She already asked him if he wanted to meet up at the weekend & he said he would let her know. & he didn't bother.

Ursus Horribilis

She mentioned that she has been the one to suggest they meet up the last couple of times. That, and the radio silence after he said he'd be in touch sound ominous to me. By all means, text him if you feel you have to. I hope I'm wrong but this sounds like the flogging of a dying, if not dead, horse.

sunshinew

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

This is what confuses me. Some people say no leave him be dont bother texting him and more say its a two way street. I said in an earlier post, that what if hes thinking im ghosting him? To be fair he normally does text first after we meet its just the last time I text first and asked him to meet. Hence why I dont know whether to try text one more time and see how it goes or leave it altogether. So confused

Hmmm, from what you've said, his last conversation with you was him telling you he probably won't see you this wkd but would let you know. It sounds like he was beginning the fade out there and gently letting you know his ticket to lost men island has been booked.
Only you know if you think there is a possibility he thinks you are ghosting him. It's unlikely from what you've said though. What was the usual level of communication before, couple of texts a day to nothing now? I often find when you really like somebody you can make up so many excuses for their bad behaviour.
However the doubt seems to be really bothering you so you could just text, hey, what a fantastic day, just back from brunch/walk/ whatever. How's your wkd? His response or lack thereof is your answer. Though be warned that if you get another non committal response, you are back to square one wondering what's going on for the next few days and dragging out the ghosting process.

Sugarloaf12345

sunshinew wrote: »

Hmmm, from what you've said, his last conversation with you was him telling you he probably won't see you this wkd but would let you know. It sounds like he was beginning the fade out there and gently letting you know his ticket to lost men island has been booked.
Only you know if you think there is a possibility he thinks you are ghosting him. It's unlikely from what you've said though. What was the usual level of communication before, couple of texts a day to nothing now? I often find when you really like somebody you can make up so many excuses for their bad behaviour.
However the doubt seems to be really bothering you so you could just text, hey, what a fantastic day, just back from brunch/walk/ whatever. How's your wkd? His response or lack thereof is your answer. Though be warned that if you get another non committal response, you are back to square one wondering what's going on for the next few days and dragging out the ghosting process.

He is a terrible texter in general. He’ll maybe text once or twice a day, usually he only texts small talk but texts to set up meeting and we talk about everything when we meet and he usually leaves a day or two after the date before texting again

Sugarloaf12345

It’s all so frustrating

Ursus Horribilis

Just text him then and see what happens

sunshinew

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Just text him then and see what happens

Yeah just text him a happy hey how's the wkd text. At the end of the day, it's a text, hardly an embarrassing declaration of undying love for him.
Give him a chance to respond to remove any doubt you have that he's waiting for you to text. You'll know by tomorrow evening where you stand and can start next week afresh getting on with being your fabulous self.
Whatever happens though, if he responds or not, the happiest relationships I've seen don't have this level of doubt or tiptoeing around afraid to show feelings so watch yourself. Relationships should make you happier and feel more secure, not take it away.

Sugarloaf12345

Ok so I took a chance and sent him a general how are you message and surprisingly I got a reply. Not an essay of a response but still a reply. You guys will think I’m very messed up but now that I’ve got a response I don’t know how to proceed. I feel just because he responded it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s still interested or wants to continue meeting? What do you guys think?

wirelessdude01

Such drama Rama. Should never be this hard so early.

Sugarloaf12345

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Such drama Rama. Should never be this hard so early.

Is it really this hard though or is it my anxieties that’s taking over?

dhaughton99

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Is it really this hard though or is it my anxieties that’s taking over?

Is he really worth the hassle?

Faith

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Ok so I took a chance and sent him a general how are you message and surprisingly I got a reply. Not an essay of a response but still a reply. You guys will think I’m very messed up but now that I’ve got a response I don’t know how to proceed. I feel just because he responded it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s still interested or wants to continue meeting? What do you guys think?

Well done for taking that chance! I'd say it was quite anxiety-provoking.

First, you need to decide if he's worth the effort. If he is, then if I were you, I'd send a message asking if he's interested in meeting. Define a clear and specific plan, don't be vague. E.g. "Do you fancy going for a drink on Wednesday evening? Say 8pm at [bar]?". If he says yes or suggests an alternative that suits him better, then great. If he says no, or something like "I'll get back to you", then I'd take it as confirmation that he's not interested and I'd totally disengage and move on.

sunshinew

You'll be back to square one for the next few days wondering about it. Just text him asking do you want to meet and name a clear date, time & activity. I'm sounding like a brexiteer here but take back some control. He's had you anxious for days waiting for him to make a move.
If he says yes, brilliant, agree it and back off on the texts and see what he's like when you meet up -much easier to guage in person. If he replies with a vague non committal response, reply with a "I get the feeling from you that this has run its course. I don't want to waste my time if you're not that bothered so I'd prefer to end it here. It was lovely meeting you though, I had fun. Best of luck. " no emotion, blame etc.- just a respectful text that you value your own time.
At the end of the day if you frighten him off after two months by texting him to meet for a date he was not that into it in the first place. No amount of tiptoeing or playing it cool or coy is going to change that right at this moment.
It sucks though, it's a horrible feeling when somebody does the slow fade. Either way, keep yourself busy over the next few days. Treat yourself, meet some friends and stop letting a guy you've known a few weeks have this much power over your thoughts and actions.

sunshinew

Faith wrote: »

Well done for taking that chance! I'd say it was quite anxiety-provoking.

First, you need to decide if he's worth the effort. If he is, then if I were you, I'd send a message asking if he's interested in meeting. Define a clear and specific plan, don't be vague. E.g. "Do you fancy going for a drink on Wednesday evening? Say 8pm at [bar]?". If he says yes or suggests an alternative that suits him better, then great. If he says no, or something like "I'll get back to you", then I'd take it as confirmation that he's not interested and I'd totally disengage and move on.

You beat me to it Faith. Same advice from me given above.

dellas1979

What are your anxieties about?

Think you are better focussing on them and figuring that out than staying in a situation that's triggering a lot of unhappiness.

Sounds like fear of rejection or abandonment.

Sugarloaf12345

So I replied answered his qs he replied and asked a qs again I answered and asked a qs and now hes not texting me back again. I done this as I wanted to build up to asking him out. He has seen the message been online and its been hours since he replied. I give up at this stage I have got my answer

Faith

I think you're right. A relationship should add pleasure to your life, not stress. You're tried and I think he has made his position clear (albeit in the most cowardly, horrible way).

Onwards and upwards!

SozBbz

Little late joining this one but OP, you'd had some great advice here so make sure you take it forward into your next relationship.

I've a few bits to add.

1. You come across as extremely anxious. You really need to work on not sweating the small stuff (and yes, in grand scheme of things, this is extremely small). Have you spoken to anyone about your anxieties? IMO what you've demonstrated here is a bit above and beyond and sounds to me like you don't cope well.

2. People take casual plans very differently. I know plenty of people who interpret anything short of a definite plan (time/date/location) as just talk. "might do something at the weekend" wouldn't mean dot to them and they wouldnt follow up on a plan that loose. If you value your time, don't hang around waiting on this basis. Take control and firm up loose plans and eliminate uncertainty. I know he said he'd get back to you and he didnt but as I said, I know people who definitely wouldnt take the original interaction you described as a commitment to do anything.

3. Don't be afraid to value yourself. I know many of us were probably guilty of this is in our younger years but there is no harm in taking control, you do not have to sit passivly for fear of being seen as hard work, crazy or demanding or whatever other terms people use as excuses when the facts are that they're just not arsed.

I'm reminded of a scenario early on in my own relationship. I'd a plan to meet himself at a shopping center for dinner/cinema whatever, a loose enough arangement. He text me earlier the same day to say he was tired and didnt fancy it. I could have obviously gone into a tail spin and started being all anxious about it but I simply told him (without getting at all cross) that I don't think cancelling last minute for no real reason is a bit lame and while I didnt go mad or over the top, he knew I wasnt best please. No ultimatums/tantrums, just basically told him that I value my time. Low and behold he's suddenly no longer tired and original plan is back on. Said he was just in a funny mood and actually told me I'd done the right thing by challenging him on his nonsense.

Moral of the story is that if a guy likes you, pulling him up (politely, rationally) on his BS will not scare him away, so don't be afraid to raise something like this which has annoyed you and left you feeling undervalued.

However, if a lad is not that bothered, situations like this are golden excuses for them to extricate themselves. Never be afraid to stand up for yourself and say when you expect better. The outcome may not always be what you want, but it will always tell you what you need to know.

Sitting around waiting is a mugs game.

osarusan

If I understand the timeline correctly, you were together (slept together) on Tuesday night, and on Wednesday morning, you made possible plans for the weekend, with the understanding that he would message you to let you know if he was free.

He never messaged to let you know anything, which is absolutely bad form from him. You fretted over this for a couple of days, but when you messaged him on Sunday morning/afternoon, he replied, and then replied a bit more during the day, but then didn't reply to a message for a few hours, at which point you decided that's it, time to give up.


I don't know, the whole thing seems like a very narrow window of time to base that decision on.

If he was ghosting you he probably wouldn't have replied at all to the text you sent on that Sunday morning/afternoon. Instead he replied, and then replied at least once more at some point during the day.

But by 11.30 at night, because he didn't reply to the last message for a few hours even though he had seen it and was online, it's all over again.


OP, is he generally fast to respond to texts, or is it usual for him not to reply for a few hours? Or, more generally, was there any indication before this weekend that he had started to lost interest?

In the two months you've been together, is this the first time you wouldn't have spent at least some part of the weekend together? Or has that happened before?

professore

osarusan wrote: »

If I understand the timeline correctly, you were together (slept together) on Tuesday night, and on Wednesday morning, you made possible plans for the weekend, with the understanding that he would message you to let you know if he was free.

He never messaged to let you know anything, which is absolutely bad form from him.

OP you mean nothing to him. If a guy is with with a girl he really likes he will be really looking forward to meeting her at the weekend. He probably has several women lined up for the weekend and keeping you on standby in case some of the others bail.

sunshinew

professore wrote: »

OP you mean nothing to him. If a guy is with with a girl he really likes he will be really looking forward to meeting her at the weekend. He probably has several women lined up for the weekend and keeping you on standby in case some of the others bail.

None of us know why he's faded out and we could all come up with different theories. In your case OP, I'd come up with the one that makes you feel the best about yourself and helps you move on the fastest. (Eg. you were intimidatingly good in bed ðŸ˜)
Anyway onwards and upwards op. Look after yourself.

Sugarloaf12345

So guys the plot thickens.. or does it. We have continued to text after that and I asked him to meet this week and go to the movies. I had half expected this would be the perfect opportunity for him to say sorry im not interested etc. which Id rather he did if he was ghosting, but instead he responded quicker than usual and told me he had plans wednesday saturday but free other wise however I have work so I cant meet. He then said he was unsure of Wednesday as his plans are based on weather conditions and if they fell through we could go then. I of course said yes we could go Wed. ( this was monday)
He didnt text me back yesterday which is understandable as I know he has an important exam today. however he still never replied to let me know if hes meeting them or not so as its pushing on in the evening i just text him again to see if he is still going with them or not.

I am getting to a point where I am frustrated and angry now. I was upset and anxious before but now I feel he this is not acceptable anymore. I have a life too and he's giving mixed signals. one minute hes texting and suggesting potential days to meet then hes backing off. I have given him scope to say sorry not interested but he's really taking the biscuit now. Id almost rather he not text back at all than to string me along. Im taking my self worth back now. Rant over

Ursus Horribilis

Time to have an actual conversation in person with him. Texting is no substitute, because you can't see and hear the nuances. You're filling in the gaps here and maybe you're getting it wrong. Maybe.

Sugarloaf12345

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Time to have an actual conversation in person with him. Texting is no substitute, because you can't see and hear the nuances. You're filling in the gaps here and maybe you're getting it wrong. Maybe.

i cant actually get him to meet in person. He keeps going absent on me. If he was interested im sure he would want to see me and keep in touch but this is the second time he's given me a potential day to meet then not text me to confirm yes or no. This is hugely frustrating to me as its preventing me from making more solid plans and i think it shows the value he has of my time

gwalk

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

i cant actually get him to meet in person. He keeps going absent on me. If he was interested im sure he would want to see me and keep in touch but this is the second time he's given me a potential day to meet then not text me to confirm yes or no. This is hugely frustrating to me as its preventing me from making more solid plans and i think it shows the value he has of my time

Just walk away, he seems like a very immature person who doesn't have the stones to tell you that he's not interested

gmisk

From reading this thread.
Being honest.. he is just not that into you... Sorry.
It sounds like you are doing all the running and he isn't that fussed.
Maybe have a chat to see what he has to say, but I doubt it is going to go the way you want, and you would be best shot of him.
Make your own plans and move on.

Sugarloaf12345

gwalk wrote: »

Just walk away, he seems like a very immature person who doesn't have the stones to tell you that he's not interested

I was prepared for him and kind of hoped he would tell me hes not interested when i asked him to meet. at least i would know then. whatever about ghosting and not replying, what hes doing now by leading me on telling me we can potentially meet this day etc is way worse. its giving me mixed signals and keeping me there by a thread. Sometimes its hard to know if hes genuine or playing me. either way im starting to get mad and frustrated as its not fair and is a bit disrespectful. He's the one that suggested meeting wednesday if the lads bailed and then doesnt reply and let me know either way. FFS Im not taking s*** from him anymore, 30 secs to say sorry going with the lads is respect and courtesy i deserve