Has he lost interest?

SozBbz

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

It wasnt casual or meant to be. He told me in the beginning he didnt want anything casual and purposely delayed having sex for over a month for this reason.

This is totally irreverent, unfortunately for you.

It may be true that he is looking for a long term relationship, its just not going to be with you. Finding long term love is not as simple as rounding up everyone who'd like a relationship and pairing them off.

You were obviously keen on the idea of being with him. He was keen on the idea of being with someone.... you both tried it and its not worked for him. End of story really.

Sugarloaf12345

Does anyone have any sympathy for me whatsoever?

All I seem to be gathering from posts is that his behaviour is normal and acceptable in modern times, he is in the right but I’m in the wrong for expecting him to openly tell me he’s not interested and for not copping on and just leaving it

never_mind

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Does anyone have any sympathy for me whatsoever?

All I seem to be gathering from posts is that his behaviour is normal and acceptable in modern times, he is in the right but I’m in the wrong for expecting him to openly tell me he’s not interested and for not copping on and just leaving it

OP, sorry but now you need to cop on. No one is saying that it is acceptable behaviour but that it has now become the norm on the dating scene. Sorry, but OP this is going to happen a few more times before you find someone who feels the same. You might even do it to someone in the future. Why waste your energy on this dude; he is so meaningless! In 2 weeks time you'll have forgotten about the entire thing.

Telly

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Does anyone have any sympathy for me whatsoever?

All I seem to be gathering from posts is that his behaviour is normal and acceptable in modern times, he is in the right but I’m in the wrong for expecting him to openly tell me he’s not interested and for not copping on and just leaving it

You seem to have enough sympathy for yourself.

This is the problem. You were far too invested in this. Don’t jump in so quick next time with your feelings and you won’t get this hurt again if it goes tits up. You’re playing the victim far too much now and I think people are bored with it now.

Big Bag of Chips

If sending the text is what you feel you need to do right now to stand up for yourself, then you don't need the permission of anyone here to send it. Just send it.

Don't expect to suddenly feel empowered and great after it though. It doesn't really work like that.

And if you are going to send a direct text. Be direct. No wishy-washy "I understand you're not interested in me" stuff. That's passive aggressive and angling for a response.

LegacyUser

Just read this thread from start to finish, felt like watching a car crash from the outset.....

We've all been there, and I certainly have, but you need to listen to what people are telling you now and just leave it be. This guy isn't leading you on in my view. Leading you on would be telling you how amazing you are, can't wait to see you etc, and then cancelling plans last minute or whatever. From the very start of this thread, this guy has not made any plans to see you and has not tried to make any plans to see you..... You keep getting in contact and illiciting half assed replies, which you are then turning around into him leading you on...

Yes it's not a nice way to behave, but it happens. You will (in my view) regret sending a dramatic text. Just leave it
Also maybe take a break from dating for a wee while and get yourself into a better place to handle all of this nonsense. Sorry for the harsh tone, I've been there and I remember it well, and I equally refused to listen to good advice (given gently by friends). Best of luck

professore

He is probably waiting for you to send the text so he can show his mates what a stud he is and how he has this woman all worked up over him. Sending the text is playing right into this. Ignoring him and going dating someone else is far more effective.

milli milli

I feel like the next ‘installment’ in this thread will be, ‘well I sent the text and x,y,z’ but by then nobody will reply, because enough good advice has been offered to the OP which she is clearly ignoring.
And despite others telling her most of us have been in similar positions and a number of people even regretting sending similar texts.
If someone wants advice about a situation then please be open to receiving advice (& the advice is usually from someone more experienced who’s been through the mill themselves, so knows well what they’re talking about).

In dating, ****ty things happen, people get ghosted, breadcrumbed, used all the time. My own boyfriend of 5 years dumped me over the phone! It’s crap, it hurts like hell, in an ideal world stuff like this shouldn’t happen but it does.
But you need to rise above it.

Anyway I’m not saying anymore, because I feel like it’s falling on deaf ears.

Sugarloaf12345

I apologise to those who feel I didn’t take their advice. I have taken advice given, those following the thread will know I took advice originally before reposting on Wednesday. I have since decided to take advice and not text him at all. A friend of mine has sent me a photo of his dating profile with pictures that were only taken 2 weeks ago which was the straw for me. He took me for a fool and completely disrespected me so I have decided no longer to pursue and basically just let him off as I deserve even the basic of respect from someone I’ve shared things with and been intimate with and not this immature player behaviour

SozBbz

I hope you stick to this OP. Block his number and delete him from your social media etc. Its much easier to get him out of your mind if he's out of your sight.

ibarelycare

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I apologise to those who feel I didn’t take their advice. I have taken advice given, those following the thread will know I took advice originally before reposting on Wednesday. I have since decided to take advice and not text him at all. A friend of mine has sent me a photo of his dating profile with pictures that were only taken 2 weeks ago which was the straw for me. He took me for a fool and completely disrespected me so I have decided no longer to pursue and basically just let him off as I deserve even the basic of respect from someone I’ve shared things with and been intimate with and not this immature player behaviour

I'm just after reading the thread from the start, and I think this is the third "last straw". I really hope it's the last! Delete his number, all his messages, and move on.

never_mind

SozBbz wrote: »

I hope you stick to this OP. Block his number and delete him from your social media etc. Its much easier to get him out of your mind if he's out of your sight.

To answer your original question, OP, yes, he has lost interest. It's nothing personal. A lot of guys at your age (presuming you're in your 20s) will date a good few women at the same time. It's nothing personal, just a horrible culture has emerged in dating scenes. Take the blow, lick the wounds, then go and buy some nice clothes and organise a night out!

sunshinew

Hey op, hope you're keeping ok. I think people here were sympathising with you. You can see that from the amount of people giving you advice. Most of us have been through something similar before so we know how hurtful and confusing it is. So most of the "tough love" comments were coming from a good place and trying to help you to move on. Hope you enjoyed your wkd and look after yourself.

Sugarloaf12345

sunshinew wrote: »

Hey op, hope you're keeping ok. I think people here were sympathising with you. You can see that from the amount of people giving you advice. Most of us have been through something similar before so we know how hurtful and confusing it is. So most of the "tough love" comments were coming from a good place and trying to help you to move on. Hope you enjoyed your wkd and look after yourself.

Thanks for your message sunshine. I see that now, I had rose coloured glasses on whereas you guys see it for what it is. He’s just one of those guys who doesn’t care and is an ahole. If he hasn’t got the respect to just tell me ‘sorry not interested’ then he’s not worth it. He was well able to text when he wanted something. I’m just going to put myself back out there and hope some day I’ll find my prince or at very least someone with respect

Porklife

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Thanks for your message sunshine. I see that now, I had rose coloured glasses on whereas you guys see it for what it is. He’s just one of those guys who doesn’t care and is an ahole. If he hasn’t got the respect to just tell me ‘sorry not interested’ then he’s not worth it. He was well able to text when he wanted something. I’m just going to put myself back out there and hope some day I’ll find my prince or at very least someone with respect

How was he an asshole though? He's entitled to change his mind. I've read the whole thread and don't think he did anything wrong. He's just not into you! You seem lovely Op so hope that doesn't sound mean but seriously, he tried you on for size but decided you're not the right fit for him. Doesn't mean you're not awesome and gorgeous and all the good stuff, just not right for him. He's one guy out of millions!! Loads of guys will want you, no doubt about it. I just don't think he did anything wrong, neither of you did!

Stellasmurf

Porklife wrote: »

How was he an asshole though? He's entitled to change his mind. I've read the whole thread and don't think he did anything wrong. He's just not into you! You seem lovely Op so hope that doesn't sound mean but seriously, he tried you on for size but decided you're not the right fit for him. Doesn't mean you're not awesome and gorgeous and all the good stuff, just not right for him. He's one guy out of millions!! Loads of guys will want you, no doubt about it. I just don't think he did anything wrong, neither of you did!

Whatever way you look at it, ignoring messages and leaving someone hanging is not right imo when you have indicated about making plans with them....whether that’s romantic or friendship plans. Glad you’ve walked away OP.

Ursus Horribilis

It depends what you consider to be a relationship, I suppose. This is where the whole exclusive/dating thing is a minefield. Our OP told us in her first post that they'd been seeing each other for 2 months, meeting up 1-3 times per week. Is that not enough for someone to believe that they're moving into relationship territory?

Anyway, OP, it's better to know where you stand. Horrible and all as this is, at least you're done with the uncertainty and can move on without a backwards glance. Hopefully you can learn something from this and get better at spotting the warning signs.

Commanchie

Reading he thread dont think the guy done a whole lot wrong but he didnt afford you the respect you or any other woman deserves.

As a youngish male i made plenty of mistakes in my younger days. I like to think it had matured me and opened my eyes. I wish you all the best in your search for someone.

professore

Commanchie wrote: »

Reading he thread dont think the guy done a whole lot wrong but he didnt afford you the respect you or any other woman deserves.

As a youngish male i made plenty of mistakes in my younger days. I like to think it had matured me and opened my eyes. I wish you all the best in your search for someone.

This. Its difficult for many young men to get into a relationship - it's a lot like jobseeking when you are not particularly qualified in anything - so they tend to overstay in them well past their best before date. You don't realise that maybe you are hurting the girls feelings - as they tend to play it cool, particularity Irish girls.

Ursus Horribilis

He is in his late 20s though. That excuse about being clueless at that age doesn't wash with me. Of course, if he saw this thread he'd probably say "We weren't exclusive" and that's a handy out if you want to have your cake and eat it. 2 months of meeting up 1-3 times per week isn't casual dating. Or is it?

Commanchie

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

He is in his late 20s though. That excuse about being clueless at that age doesn't wash with me. Of course, if he saw this thread he'd probably say "We weren't exclusive" and that's a handy out if you want to have your cake and eat it. 2 months of meeting up 1-3 times per week isn't casual dating. Or is it?

Im dating now, 3 dates a week is a hook up. Nothing is exclusive till someone says what are we here and its answered.

Cant just be on him to turn and say yes we are together

professore

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

He is in his late 20s though. That excuse about being clueless at that age doesn't wash with me. Of course, if he saw this thread he'd probably say "We weren't exclusive" and that's a handy out if you want to have your cake and eat it. 2 months of meeting up 1-3 times per week isn't casual dating. Or is it?

Good point, missed that. He should have more cop on at that age so we can only assume its deliberate

Ursus Horribilis

When I read that up to 3 dates a week, even after 2 months, is considered to be a hook-up, I've seen it all.

never_mind

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

When I read that up to 3 dates a week, even after 2 months, is considered to be a hook-up, I've seen it all.

In fairness it wouldn't be seen as something serious either.

Idle Passerby

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

When I read that up to 3 dates a week, even after 2 months, is considered to be a hook-up, I've seen it all.

Its all relative really. Without a discussion on where they stand its open to interpretation. There have been enough threads on here from people who've been seeing someone for years only to realise the other party never considered it a "relationship".

sunshinew

never_mind wrote: »

In fairness it wouldn't be seen as something serious either.

Maybe not serious, but definitely worthy of communication that he was ending it. Meeting about 20 times, texts, sleeping together... I can see why the OP was upset to just be faded out.
It's really immature and disrespectful but sure that's how dating is going. I've a new found respect for the first guy that dumped me - he rang my house phone in my parents to ask to meet, got the bus up to my local pub and dumped me over a drink. We were only dating couple months too. Now people can't even spend 30 seconds on a text from their sofa.
I heard another generalisation on gender but it's had an element of truth in it for me in the past anyway... Women start to see themselves in relationships when they are sleeping with the guy regularly, guys when their life becomes more intertwined with the woman - sharing friends, events, etc. Explains why i think most of the guys on here think 2 months is still casual as the intertwining of lives takes longer...

Commanchie

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

When I read that up to 3 dates a week, even after 2 months, is considered to be a hook-up, I've seen it all.

Mother of jesus id say youre a bunny boiler.

milli milli

Commanchie wrote: »

Mother of jesus id say youre a bunny boiler.

WTF?! I know this wasn’t aimed at me but I would be under the same thinking as Ursus.
I’ve been going out with people after 2 weeks - and after 2 months, we’d we buying each other presents and would have considered we were in a relationship.
I wouldn’t actually move that fast, it was all initiated by the guy.
It’s all relative. I’d be more cautious now, but after 2 months of 3-dates a week, with sex involved, it would be fair to say, I’d expect there was some kind of relationship brewing (if not already established).

But then I’m older & I wouldn’t really subscribe to the disposable dating culture (despite dating both on and offline).

Neyite

Mod:
Welcome to Personal /Relationship issues. This kind of comment:

Commanchie wrote: »

Mother of jesus id say youre a bunny boiler.

is unacceptable. This is an advice forum where we expect posters to be civil and courteous to each other and specifically to the thread starter. It also fails on the 'advice to the op' part as well. Please read the charter. Breaches of it aren't tolerated here and will be actioned.

professore

I think "the rules" in the past were far clearer. Now with lots of casual sex, friends with benefits, open relationships, swinging etc there are no rules anymore. I think if I was dating now I'd be very very slow to call anything a relationship unless I had discussed it in no uncertain terms. This was different in the past. In the past you were either dating exclusively or cheating. Apart from shifting someone when single that was pretty much it.

If you want an exclusive relationship now you have to make it crystal clear that's what you want very early on. If you don't there's a good chance this will happen to you. And it isn't a gendered thing either.