Has he lost interest?

Idle Passerby

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I know that now. But it doesnt excuse him from being a d*** and leading me on

I get it your upset and understandably so, he's been an arse to you. I think most of us offering advice have been in your shoes, I know I have and the only way out is not waiting for explanations or apologies but just walking away and not looking back. There comes a point where you become complicit in your own mistreatment by continually accepting it. Don't be a glutton for punishment, a guy who is half assed about you isn't worth the anxiety.

ginandtonicsky

Sorry for the posting spam, on an iPhone on a busy train here! Best of luck OP, onwards and upwards :-)

QueenRizla

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Thank you. I feel so disrespected and so s*** that I wasn’t even worth a reply to say yes or no. Makes me feel so bad about myself that someone couldn’t even recognise that value in me. I feel so used and degraded

OP, you are giving him a lot of power over how you feel. He is just a guy who wasn’t that interested. It is more important you see the value in you than he does. Being a backup if his plans fell through is not demonstrating that you value yourself. Forget about him and work on yourself. It will be ok, just treat it as a lesson.

bottlebrush

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Thank you. I feel so disrespected and so s*** that I wasn’t even worth a reply to say yes or no. Makes me feel so bad about myself that someone couldn’t even recognise that value in me. I feel so used and degraded

You shouldn't. this is a reflection of him, not you. you two met and went on some dates or spent time together or whatever. but that's the only way either of you could figure out what the other was really like and see if the relationship had potential. unfortunately after some time it appears he didn't feel the same about you as you did about him and his evasiveness is spelling that out loud and clear. now you know and thankfully it's very early on and you haven't become too invested. but remember that when somebody shows their true colours believe them the first time. you have given him a good few chances and he still hasn't stepped up. if you contact him again you are only prolonging the very behaviour you find so unacceptable. but you need to accept that other people don't have the same standards as you and will not just come out straight and say they are no longer interested - they just hope you go away without drama. and that's life, that's the way some people behave and nobody can change that so you have to look out for the actions and behaviors that are 'unsaid' and learn to read between the lines.
go out and meet somebody else and best of luck.

SimpleDimples

He's only treating this way with your permission. The minute you stop accepting breadcrumbs it's done. You don't have to put up with it.

The real question is why do you want to chase someone who treats you as an option. Just walk away, plenty of other men in the planet.

SozBbz

OP, honestly I think you need some tough love, as you're coming across very naive.

1. Not accepting the situation because his behavior is not the right way to treat a person. It sounds like you some sort of expectation that life is fair? Life is absolutely not always fair!
You might have right on your side, and we might all agree that he's big meanie, but what would that change? he's still not interested and you still need to move on.

2. Why are you trying to facilitate him dumping you? He's proven time and again now that he doesn't take you seriously, yet you still won't be the one to cut the cord. Why are you waiting for him to unambiguously articulate that he's not interested? Value yourself more and make the decision yourself.

Its almost as if you want to be the victim, the poor unfortunate who always has wrong done to her by heartless men. Why instead can you not be the strong, independent woman who puts a value on your own her own time. Why are you determined to give away all the power?

The tone of the advice has changed because you're only hearing what you want to hear, but your behavior hasnt actually changed. You're still hanging around for him to fit you in. Just because you don't like hearing it doesn't make it bad advice.

Sugarloaf12345

Thank you all for taking the time to write and advise me.
I have taken the advice on board.

He text me back after that last night and said he was sorry he was busy studying and that he was going out for dinner with his friends - he never acknowledged that he suggested we could meet. I am so mad over this treatment and Im not taking it anymore. Hes making no effort only stringing me out, possibly to keep me there for if he gets lonely. So im going to text him over the weekend and finish it properly. I know some of you may be thinking why bother doing this but for me I want closure and I also want him to know that its not ok to treat ME like this and to try gain back some control over the situation.

Please note I dont expect anything from him by texting to end it, he probably wont even reply which Im prepared for, Im doing this for me because I hate the thoughts of him thinking he can just pick and drop as he pleases and to show him my worth.

Telly

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time to write and advise me.
I have taken the advice on board.

He text me back after that last night and said he was sorry he was busy studying and that he was going out for dinner with his friends - he never acknowledged that he suggested we could meet. I am so mad over this treatment and Im not taking it anymore. Hes making no effort only stringing me out, possibly to keep me there for if he gets lonely. So im going to text him over the weekend and finish it properly. I know some of you may be thinking why bother doing this but for me I want closure and I also want him to know that its not ok to treat ME like this and to try gain back some control over the situation.

Why not just text him now then?

Sugarloaf12345

Have you any suggestions on what to say?

gossamer

Be honest with yourself, you think an ultimatum will push him to act the way you want him to. It won't. He'll just see you're over invested because of your drama and emotion.

The best thing you can do is LEAVE IT. Stop texting him, full stop. This behaviour shows value. Whoever cares the least has the most power. This man does not care, so why should you? Just suck it up and accept it. Stop wasting energy on him. The more you obsess over silly texts and what not, the more you feed the obsession and anxiety around him.

Sugarloaf12345

gossamer wrote: »

you think an ultimatum will push him to act the way you want him to. It won't.

Please read my original post. I never mentioned an ultimatum neither did I plan on giving one, I said that I was sending a text to finish it for my own peace of mind not to play a game of who cares more

Telly

Short and sweet:

Hey John

I dont think this is working out. All the best with your exam results. Take care.

Sugar

If he replies just ignore him. He’s shown he’s not bothered for the past week.

Idle Passerby

What are you trying to achieve by texting him? He couldn't care less if your upset/angry/sick of his bs. He's not going to discover his empathy with how you feel from a text. In fact your angry/upset/chastising text will likely just stroke his ego so the opposite effect of what I assume your hoping for.

Texting him to say your finished is only for your own closure at this point. Whatever you say will fall on deaf ears anyway so say whatever you like and then block his number and be done with it.

Sugarloaf12345

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Texting him to say your finished is only for your own closure at this point. Whatever you say will fall on deaf ears anyway so say whatever you like and then block his number and be done with it.

That is what I have said twice already on different posts. its not for him its for me

Idle Passerby

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

That is what I have said twice already on different posts. its not for him its for me

Then whether or not he gets a text from you is irrelevant. The important message is telling yourself your done with him.

Sugarloaf12345

Telly wrote: »

Short and sweet:

Hey John

I dont think this is working out. All the best with your exam results. Take care.

Sugar

If he replies just ignore him. He’s shown he’s not bothered for the past week.

I was going to say something like I can only assume from your sudden lack of communication that your no longer interested which I understand. However I would have appreciated if you could have just said instead of continually ignoring my messages and brushing me off as its not a nice thing to do. I had a nice time spending time with you it was a lot of fun but this isnt working. Take care".

Telly

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I was going to say something like I can only assume from your sudden lack of communication that your no longer interested which I understand. However I would have appreciated if you could have just said instead of continually ignoring my messages and brushing me off as its not a nice thing to do. I had a nice time spending time with you it was a lot of fun but this isnt working. Take care".

100% don’t send this. It’s too much drama.

osarusan

"Hi, I've decided to end things as it isn't working out. There just isn't enough communication or time together to make it worthwhile. Take care."

milli milli

OP I wouldn’t even bother with the text. He has shown zero respect for you, he’ll probably just have a laugh with the lads, ‘I got dumped!’ It won’t matter a jot to him, he has other girls lined up.

Most people here have gone through what you’re going through and have probably done stupid, self-disrespecting things to get someone’s attention. I know I certainly did. People advised me in the past and I didn’t listen to them. I thought they were being harsh with me - now, I know they were looking out for me and know I deserved more.
If you have to keep chasing & texting someone - basically to remind them that you exist - then that is the moment to walk away, no texts, no contact, just cut the cord.

Ginandtonicsky gave some great advice about what to look out for when a guy is interested/disinterested. Really they should teach this to girls in secondary schools. We really have to find out the hard way.

Please take back your power, don’t allow anyone to treat you like this ever again (I know it’s hard when you sleep with someone, everything becomes blurred and it’s hard to see how you’re being treated).
When you respect yourself enough, you will only accept a certain level of behaviour from people. You won’t accept breadcrumbing or any other disrespectful behaviour.

Best of luck.

gossamer

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I was going to say something like I can only assume from your sudden lack of communication that your no longer interested which I understand. However I would have appreciated if you could have just said instead of continually ignoring my messages and brushing me off as its not a nice thing to do. I had a nice time spending time with you it was a lot of fun but this isnt working. Take care".

That's just playing the guilt trip card.

You're dragging the arse out of it and making a rod for your own back in the meantime. We've all been there, believe me when I say indifference is key. He knows full well he's treated you like sh1te, but a text isn't going to send him into a tailspin. He'll consider it for a moment and then be glad you're gone. You did the job for him.

milli milli

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I was going to say something like I can only assume from your sudden lack of communication that your no longer interested which I understand. However I would have appreciated if you could have just said instead of continually ignoring my messages and brushing me off as its not a nice thing to do. I had a nice time spending time with you it was a lot of fun but this isnt working. Take care".

DO NOT send this text. He’s already made a fool out of you, you are completely giving away all your power.

your no longer interested which I understand.

WTF?? I’m sorry OP, but you really need to show some love and respect for yourself. Why is it understandable that he’s not interested anymore?
You should be finding it hard to understand why he wouldn’t want someone as awesome as you!
But he’s a total flake.

Seriously if he gets a text like that, he’ll just be delighted you’re finished because he’ll think you’re a drama queen.

If you’re going to text (which again I wouldn’t bother doing) be short, sweet, businesslike. No emotions, no passive aggressiveness, no asking for explanations. You’re not going to get them from him.

Please don’t send that text - he’ll just have a laugh at it. Walk away with your pride intact. Act like you couldn’t give a fig about him.

woodchuck

OP I think it's a good idea to send a text to draw a line under things. Otherwise he'll just end up contacting you again as a plan B when it suits him, making it more difficult for you to move on.

However I wouldn't send the text you suggested. I'd just keep it short and sweet, something along the lines of "I've enjoyed our time together, but I don't feel like things are working out between us. I hope there are no hard feelings and wish you all the best".

Sugarloaf12345

woodchuck wrote: »

OP I think it's a good idea to send a text to draw a line under things. Otherwise he'll just end up contacting you again as a plan B when it suits him, making it more difficult for you to move on.

However I wouldn't send the text you suggested. I'd just keep it short and sweet, something along the lines of "I've enjoyed our time together, but I don't feel like things are working out between us. I hope there are no hard feelings and wish you all the best".

I think at this stage that’s what he’s doing with the sparse messages. He’s not cutting off everything yet keeping me there for when he’s bored or wants the r**e

Big Bag of Chips

You know you have a choice, don't you? You seem to think you have to be available when he comes looking for you. If you decide that you're no longer all that interested in continuing to see him, then that's a choice you are entitled to make without his permission. You don't have to clear it with him. You don't have to let him know. Just the next time he texts, if he does, then you take that opportunity to reply "I don't think this is going to go anywhere, as such I don't see any reason to meet up again. All the best, hope the exams go well".

From reading your posts, I don't really see that he did anything absolutely terrible. You both seem to have had different expectations from what this was, and these days it would seem if it's not explicitly agreed otherwise these arrangements are casual. For him it was casual and he certainly wasn't overthinking and over analysing to the extent you were. I'd imagine if you sent a text like you mentioned above he'd be bewildered as to what he'd done wrong.

Next time he contacts you, send him a polite "thanks but no thanks". No need for grand declarations, or looking for reasons. This time two people weren't compatible. Next time, maybe, they will be.

sunshinew

Hey op, I was the person who advised you to send the text about the lack of contact earlier in the thread.. your version of it has more emotions and lack of ownership in it though and with update of what's happened this week, I'd agree with the others here now. You need to make peace that this is over in your head. No matter what he says or does now, this is not the kind of relationship you want.
Either stop contact and do NOT respond to any future sporadic texts from him (which can be hard as it drags it out but also leaves him in the dark with a taste of his own medicine) or send him a clear dumping text with no emotion, no blame, no explanation. You need to not care about his response or lack thereof and not get drawn back into texting him. You've had a **** week where you've been really unhappy.
I think woodchuck's text is the way to go. It's polite, respectful, reads as you clearly dumping him, that it's your decision and that you're not that bothered. He's not interested in you romantically but that text would probably leave him having a bit more respect for you than he seems to have for you now.
If you run into each other again, you'd be the girl that dumped him, not the one he faded out on or the crazy one that sent him an angry text..

Sugarloaf12345

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

For him it was casual and he certainly wasn't overthinking and over analysing to the extent you were. I'd imagine if you sent a text like you mentioned above he'd be bewildered as to what he'd done wrong.
e.

It wasnt casual or meant to be. He told me in the beginning he didnt want anything casual and purposely delayed having sex for over a month for this reason.

This isnt about him this is about how i feel. I accept that he's not interested but I feel the way he has gone about it is cruel selfish immature and hurtful. i have clearly indicated I am interested in him and he has left me feeling like a sad fool and completely disrespected and like im not even worthy of 30 seconds for a simple text message. That hurts ME. F*** him. And by me doing nothing and fading away as he has hoped then I feel that I am letting him get off lightly and I am letting him treat me this way. I feel I am accepting it by saying nothing. Yes I agree with posters about he doesnt care so nothing I say will change and I get that, but this is about my self respect and not letting an ass like him walk all over it

never_mind

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

It wasnt casual or meant to be. He told me in the beginning he didnt want anything casual and purposely delayed having sex for over a month for this reason.

This isnt about him this is about how i feel. I accept that he's not interested but I feel the way he has gone about it is cruel selfish immature and hurtful. i have clearly indicated I am interested in him and he has left me feeling like a sad fool and completely disrespected and like im not even worthy of 30 seconds for a simple text message. That hurts ME. F*** him. And by me doing nothing and fading away as he has hoped then I feel that I am letting him get off lightly and I am letting him treat me this way. I feel I am accepting it by saying nothing. Yes I agree with posters about he doesnt care so nothing I say will change and I get that, but this is about my self respect and not letting an ass like him walk all over it

Friends of mine have been ghosted a lot recently and it just seems like that's the culture now... everything is so easily replaceable. By texting him an angry message, calling him out on his BS, will only make you look a bit mad which is unfair but true. Leave it be and let him off - he's not worth it.

LegacyUser

I agree with previous poster, best reply is no reply - indifference is better. Previously I have been in this situation and reacted by sending a similar composed text, and when I think about it I cringe now. I wish I could turn back time and ignore him or block, but I can't turn back time.Take a clean break and walk away with dignity, either block or ignore him.

ginandtonicsky

OD is littered with people saying one thing and doing another OP. I could go online and advertise as looking for a long-term relationship, meet someone with those intentions and then realise a few weeks or months in that it’s not right. I’m attracted to him but it doesn’t feel right. I see and hear about that happening a lot.

The fact is, this lad owes you nothing. That’s the brutal reality. I’d like to think I’m the kind of person who would treat someone fairly in most of these types of awkward situations where there’s mismatched feelings, but as this message board alone will attest to, there’s a strong contingent of people who can’t and won’t, hence ghosting and flaking and stringing people along are pretty widespread behaviours these days.

Are they right or acceptable? No. But it sounds to me like you want to have an emotional rant at this guy in the hope of either A. changing his mind and B. appeasing your ego and hurt pride, when neither of these things is the emotionally mature or dignified response here.

Block him and spend some time building yourself up again before you go on anymore dates. Smash the gym, set up some nights out with friends, throw yourself into work or a new course. Dating requires vulnerability and with that comes the risks of all of these ****ty behaviours, which you need to be able to handle constructively.

ginandtonicsky

Double post :-/