The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 23-11-2017 11:21PM

As a postman, with Christmas only a month away, I'd like to ask you all to help us make sure that we save time by clearly marking your envelopes:

CONTAINS MONEY

the_pen_turner · 24-11-2017 08:52PM

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire”

Capt'n Midnight · 24-11-2017 09:03PM

If you want to play a real life version of Pac-Man then go to DFS and try and avoid the salesman.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-11-2017 09:07PM

I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.

I'd been chatting to this woman for a little while and we were getting on OK, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, just because of the type of car I live in!

Comer1 · 24-11-2017 10:23PM

the_pen_turner wrote: »

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire”

That's far more disturbing than it is funny

TheBody · 24-11-2017 10:42PM

Dead canary for sale.

Not going cheap.

Pero_Bueno · 25-11-2017 12:31AM

This guy goes to a brothel and tells the madam he likes fat girls, so she takes him to one room and
introduces him to a portly young lady , but he tells her he likes them fatter !
So in to the next room and there is an American style fat girl and still he wants one even bigger!
So the madam takes him to a real special girl that is just huge, he sees her and says Perfect, this
is exactly what I'm looking for !!
So he pays and they are in the room f*cking , and he asks her to turn off the light - and she asks:
"Why are you one of these kinky people that only has sex in the dark ?"

"No" he answers, "The lightbulb is burning my arse!"

25-11-2017 12:21PM

This did the the rounds on social media in video format

Neighbour leaning over his fence watching little girl dig two foot hole in the garden: What you doing?

Little Girl: I'm burying my goldfish - he's dead.

Neighbour: That's so sad, but why do you need to dig a two foot hole for your goldfish?

Little Girl: Because he's inside your fck'in cat.

MonkieSocks · 25-11-2017 06:44PM

Bloody Amazon Black Friday! :mad:

Ordered Four Kindles and they've sent me a "Best of Two Ronnie's" DVD.

26-11-2017 11:43PM

Apparently, a man in Liverpool, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the pub, decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a 5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.
It almost defies belief. I mean, how drunk would you have to be to get kicked out of a pub in Liverpool!..

Capt'n Midnight · 28-11-2017 12:15AM

Breaking News - Prince Harry about to announce his engagement to Germanys Prime Minister.

Ipso · 28-11-2017 12:41AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Breaking News - Prince Harry about to announce his engagement to Germanys Prime Minister.

Don't mention the war.

byrner88 · 28-11-2017 01:06AM

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

GBX · 28-11-2017 07:56PM

Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a fück, he's still going!

byrner88 · 29-11-2017 01:20AM

I called The AA this morning and said, "I've broken down on the M50.

"Sorry sir," she replied, "We only help alcoholics."

"That's handy," I said, "How soon can you get here?"

emeldc · 29-11-2017 11:05AM

Not really a joke but a true story. I worked for Joe Duffy motors M50 a good few years back in the service dept. A woman rang one day and launched into a tirade about her anti social neighbours blah, blah, blah. I had to interrupt and inform her that she had the wrong Joe Duffy

GBX · 29-11-2017 11:08AM

everlast75 · 29-11-2017 11:11AM

I read an Elton John joke this morning.

It's a little bit funny...

Paddy Cow · 29-11-2017 12:39PM

the_pen_turner wrote: »

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire”

That reads like a plot from a Saw movie....."wanna play a game?".

TheChevron · 29-11-2017 12:46PM

the_pen_turner wrote: »

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire”

Well, are you still with your wife?

blade1 · 29-11-2017 01:48PM

TheChevron wrote: »

Well, are you still with your wife?

Ahem :pac:

byrner88 · 29-11-2017 09:38PM

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

MonkieSocks · 30-11-2017 05:11PM

byrner88 wrote: »

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

Ya could do a song for that :P Twelve days of Prison.
♫......♫
On My First day In Prison,

My Cellmate Said To me,

You Barstood Bleedin Pikey.

TheChevron · 01-12-2017 03:36PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Ya could do a song for that :P Twelve days of Prison.
♫......♫
On My First day In Prison,
My Cellmate Said To me,
You Barstood Bleedin Pikey.

On My second day In Prison,

My Cellmate Said To me,

Here's where you stick your will-eeee

(‿ˠ‿)

01-12-2017 07:08PM

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his arse. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his trousers, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his arse cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of plasters and began putting a plaster as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty plasters box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and arse and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Paddy said, "Why are you talking bollocks?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those plasters stuck on the hall mirror.

TheBody · 01-12-2017 07:58PM

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas Period only.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 01-12-2017 08:03PM

An American tourist met a Kerry farmer walking down the street carrying two pigs under his arms. The American tourist asks the farmer can i take a photo. The farmer said no problem. When the American showed him the photo the farmer said that's me in the middle.

Loafing Oaf · 01-12-2017 08:54PM

Not a joke as such, but a classic line from the fill in the headline round on HIGNFY. The headline read BLANK Emerges From The Shadows. Quick as a flash Merton comes in with "Hank Marvin. He's doing a solo tour.":D

emeldc · 02-12-2017 12:42PM

Three mafia wise guys in a bar, one of them says, 'so what did you buy your wife for Christmas'.
First guy says, 'I bought my wife a Ferrari and a Mercedes. If she doesn't like the Ferrari she can use the Mercedes.
Second guy says, 'I bought my wife a condo in Miami and an apartment in New York. If she doesn't like the condo in Miami she can use the apartment in New York.
The third guy says, 'I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fcuk herself.

(courtesy of The Sopranos)

DEFTLEFTHAND · 02-12-2017 02:14PM

<snip>

Mod note:No, absolutely not!

Buford T. Justice.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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