The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

coolhull

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Gardi are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the half'uns, Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car there and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and doing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from...

byrner88

Bought the missus a new fridge as a surprise Christmas present.

Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.....

chewed

How does Moses make his tea? 

Hebrews it

patmac

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

Buford T. Justice XIX

I bought my wife a cookbook for Christmas, called 'Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking' which was ideal because not only is she a Vegetarian...


Jimmy Carr

Capt'n Midnight

As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

I bought a new shrub trimmer today… It’s cutting hedge technology.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.

I went train spotting once. It was really easy, they are absolutely massive and make loads of noise.



My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later. "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.

"I haven't had a bleedin' chance yet!" replied the parrot.

Microdot

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

the_pen_turner

byrner88 wrote: »

Bought the missus a new fridge as a surprise Christmas present.

Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.....

you would want to be careful that she doesn't open the chiller section, you could get a frosty reception followed by cold shoulder

Microdot

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks
"Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

Microdot

"On the Table"

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Microdot

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,

Everybody felt ****ty even the mouse.
With Mom at the whore house,

And dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!

When out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the ****er had fell!

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!

Microdot

A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said " George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y." Nope! replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. You want C-A-N-D-Y. Nope! replied George. Then just what the hell do you want, ask Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your finger!

DanMurphy

A tortoise reported to the Gardai that he had just been mugged by a gang of snails.

'Did you recognize any of the slimy bastids? asked a Garda.

'No chance, said the tortoise, it all happened so fast!'

Microdot

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

DanMurphy

Blonde woman standing on the riverbank shouts across to another blonde standing on the opposite bank.

'How do I get to the other side?' she asks.

'But you ARE on the other side,' says the other blonde.

Microdot

Why couldn't the tissue cross the road?

Because he was stuck in a crack.

Microdot

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

Microdot

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Microdot

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Microdot

Del, Trigger and Mike and Albert are in The Nag's Head trying to convince Rodney that there are people worse off.

Del Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
Trigger They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
Mike So what happened Trig?
Trigger He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
Albert What, he was gonna drive off it?
Trigger Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
Del But then, and this is the what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
Rodney No! Who held the whip-round?
Del All the passengers on the bus.

DanMurphy

'Oh Doctor, I think I'm a billiard ball'...
Doctor, 'Right then, get back to the end of the cue....'

Man walks into a bar.
Ouch!

Boastful yank visiting Ireland...'Why, my ranch stateside is soooo big, it takes me four days just to drive around it!'
Small Irish farmer...'I had an auld crock of a car just like that once!'

Roger Hassenforder

"Have you Orla Kiely jugs?" says I to the young one in Brown Thomas today.

"No, theyre my own" she says.

MonkieSocks

Knew a Guy with Two Wooden Legs, whose house caught fire.

The Fire Brigade saved his House but, He was Burnt to the Ground

Roger_007

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Knew a Guy with Two Wooden Legs, whose house caught fire.

The Fire Brigade saved his House but, He was Burnt to the Ground

...subsequently charged with arsin'?

mad m

How do you make a tissue dance?


Put a bit of boogie in him.

Ok I’ll get my coat

Don Kiddick

Roger_007 wrote: »

...subsequently charged with arsin'?

Yeah, the prosecution said he was a low down dirty bum and he hasn't a leg to stand on !

Buford T. Justice XIX

The Buford T. Justice Christmas joke:rolleyes:

Why does Santa have no children?





He only comes once a year and ,when he does, it's down a chimney.



Merry Christmas to all and thanks for all the jokes:)

Autochange

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up.

Carry

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas.

Well, until now we've always had turkey, but why not something different for a change?

Capt'n Midnight

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?”

“No, … hurdles.”