Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

homerjay2005 wrote: »

He earns more and pays the mortgage. im sorry, but saying they dont pool the money because she fears it will be spent in the pub, is just hyperbole.

in this case, yes i would say this is manipulation and its opinion. there is no facts behind it.

So you are accusing people of calling him bad things without knowing the full story and now you are doing the exact same thing to the OP.

There are no facts behind it? Unless you are the husband or at a stretch one of the kids, you don't know what the facts are.

homerjay2005 wrote: »

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

It's worth pointing out that you're the only one calling him a loser as part of your persecution fantasy. Other posters have suggested that he prioritises drink and socialising over spending time and money with his wife and family. Meanwhile his wife spends all her disposable money on their family. It's completely normal to wonder whether he's doing it because he has a dependency on alcohol or is just being selfish. 

You seem to be determined to make this a sexism issue about how men are persecuted and women lionised. I think you chose a bad example for your self-persecution. The OP's husband doesn't have to be a loser or a crap dad, because its clear that hes spending the family money on himself and that's selfish to say the least.

oh really? in the first page of the replies alone, you have the following -

Tbh sounds like he has a problem.

1. How did you manage to post from the 1970s?
2. No. That's it. How did you post here from decades ago?!?

but that's actually pretty sh*t.

He sounds like a fcking nightmare.

Husband sounds like an arse,

I would recommend the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics"

Your husband sounds like a selfish arse

I feel bad for the op, her husband sounds like a selfish prick!!

Sounds like alcohol is more important to him than his wife and family.

its not clear at all that he is spending his money on drink before family - he is paying the mortage. you are jumping to conclusions that he is a bad person and your agreeing with the posters above. the OP has said several times he is a good man but you and mutiple other people just want to demonise him and throw him to the lions.

Yeah some are suggesting he might have a drink problem which would explain his getting ****faced every Friday and Saturday. Breakdown of your examples: 3 suggest he has a drink issue (which is a reasonable explanation for his spending the family money on booze) 2 suggest his behaviour is selfish, 2 are personal insults on the OP's husband, 1 says the situation sounds sh!t and one suggests this sounds like an old fashioned problem from the 70s. 

You're taking it way too personally to the point that you're using some irrelevant quotes to support your persecution fantasy against the OP and men in general. Saying "but that's actually pretty sh*t" isn't some kind of personal accusation against you or the OP's husband or all men. Its a commentary on the situation the OP finds them self in.  

Also, no need for you to tell me what I agree with, I'll tell you if I agree with something.

homerjay2005 wrote: »

He earns more and pays the mortgage. im sorry, but saying they dont pool the money because she fears it will be spent in the pub, is just hyperbole.

in this case, yes i would say this is manipulation and its opinion. there is no facts behind it.

It cuts both ways. You can not cherry pick this argument as you have no facts to support your assumptions either - just hyperbole.

homerjay2005 wrote: »

the OP has said he is a good person, a good dad and pays the mortgage. thats seems to be completely forgotten to alot of people here.

She also says other things. Those can't be ignored either.

If you are accusing her of hyperbole then how do you know that saying he is a 'good person' and a 'good dad' isn't hyperbole on her part as well. Is it because it suits your interpretation of the situation?

mockingjay wrote: »

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

Shush love that floor won't get mopped itself now..

Mod: Banned

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ah, here! There's no need for that!

The OP has shown great dignity in coming back onto the thread. Comments like yours are not helpful.

I missed the bit where help was sought..

bubblypop wrote: »

So you think the OP shouldn't have any issue with their OH?

What I think the OP should and shouldn't have an issue with isn't particularly relevant. It's what the OP herself has an issue with is all that's relevant here. From the outset, the OP didn't appear to me at least, to have any issues in her relationship, she herself was of the opinion that her relationship was perfectly normal. It since transpires that the OP has a whole multitude of issues, none of which I don't think are going to be resolved without having a serious chat with her husband first and foremost, and decide between themselves what are the next steps they want to take from there. From her posts, I don't think the OP has any intent to be confrontational with her husband about it, which is good, because IMO if she were to get all confrontational about it, her husband would most likely shut the conversation down. It needs to be a two-way communication, with listening to each other far more important than actually talking.

bubblypop wrote: »

You think its ok that her OH goes out every Friday and Saturday night, to the extent that the OH can't bring the kids to their activities? The OP has to bring the kids to extra activities, her OH can't because of his nights out.

Again - it doesn't matter what I think, it only matters what the OP thinks, and it's become obvious that the OP clearly has an issue with this, which again will only be resolved by having that conversation with her husband. It's likely to be an incredibly difficult one, so the OP would want to be mentally ready for it, physically and emotionally too, because it'll likely be mentally, physically and emotionally draining for both of them. It'd want to be done at the right time and in the right environment too, but I don't imagine the OP is going to spring it on her husband while they're out for a meal and before she's expecting him to disappear after the meal to get down to the pub for more liquor.

bubblypop wrote: »

She can't even sleep with him! Do you think that's normal? She can't sleep with him because of the amount he drinks!

Eesh, it's a tricky one that, because my genuine answer would honestly have to be based upon only my own experience and that of the people I've known and based on that, I'd have to say yes, it's absolutely normal, but it sure as fcuk ain't healthy, for either of them! The OP mentioned in her opening post that she hoped for a cuddle in the morning, so at least I'd probably be hopeful in thinking 'dead bed' syndrome hasn't set in on their relationship, but it's possible given that either or both of them could be under an incredible amount of stress. The OP says that she's a happy-go-lucky kind of person, and from her posts I believe she is, she even manages to acknowledge that her husband is a good father to their children and he's a good man generally. This one particular kicker of an issue though is upsetting her and that's obviously not right. Clearly she would want back the man she married before he got into the current routine he's in. We know fcukall about him or his perspective though, but I believe the OP has a good handle on the situation and knows best how to talk to her husband.

bubblypop wrote: »

Is it ok that the OP has to pay for groceries, household bills, school activities, out of school activities, and family holidays, and her OH goes out drinking his money without putting his money into any of this?

Like I said earlier, some people have what appears to me to be bizarre ways of managing their finances, I don't quite understand it, but if both parties feel it works for them - more power to them. The OP again posted that she has concerns about the way in which her husband would manage his financial contribution to the household if he were given complete control of their finances. This is why I gave my wife complete control of our finances, because I can handle billion dollar transactions daily, but €20 in my pocket doesn't last pissing time, I'll have either given it away to the nearest homeless person, or I just won't remember spending it. I recently started using an ATM card and I couldn't even remember my own bloody PIN, thank fcuk for tap and pay because I took my team out for dinner last week and put nearly €400 behind the bar. Knowing then my wife could have a shít fit if she checked the account on her phone, I had to call her and tell her not to panic! You should see the looks I get from some people when I tell them that my wife manages our finances - "But she isn't working? But aren't you separated?", I used respond with a blank stare, as I didn't think anything of it, it just works for us, but some people think it's weird. Rather than give them my life story, it's just easier to just say "it works for us", and most of the time they'll just leave it at that.

Clearly if the OP isn't happy with how the household finances are being managed, she needs to bring that up with her husband. I posted earlier in reply to homer that I meet a lot of couples recently who do the whole "what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours" kind of thing, and I don't press them on it, but from the way they explain it to me and from what I know of them, for many people it's about having and maintaining their own small bit of independence. I don't say it to them, as it's none of my business, and I left homer to guess who usually draws the short straw in an arrangement like that, and yeah, more often than not it's the lower earner of the two who is usually a woman, who draws the short straw (don't get me started on how that works when other factors like LGB couples or both partners earning the same comes into the equation, it's a fcuking minefield is money which is why I tend to stay away from it. It just doesn't interest or motivate me in any way, shape or form whatsoever!). For what it's worth, it's just more convenient for me personally that my wife takes care of all that kind of stuff too, and yes, while we are separated, we're still legally married and neither of us has any intention of making a separation or divorce legal, as the way we are now works for all of us, including our child, as a family. The OP and her husband need to have a conversation to find out just what works for them as a family, because right now it doesn't sound like either the OP or her husband are entirely happy with their current circumstances.

BelovedAunt wrote: »

You sound like a very grounded and intelligent woman. I think your husband is very lucky to have you. While broaching this subject with him will be tough, especially since you had a great Easter weekend with him, I think that showing him this thread could potentially be a life changing moment for you both.

Does it have to be though? Why not take it from a positive perspective. As some have said, maybe the husband does not see or realise there is any issue.

Why not start by telling him all the positive from this Easter Saturday, how much you enjoyed the day with him and maybe you could do the same every second weekend for example. See how this goes as a first step.

I don't think showing this thread to him will help at all. A bunch of strangers (rightly or wrongly) having a go at him. It may make him more defensive.

Even the op should take a lot of feedback carefully, as i don't think after hours is up to the general level of relationship counselling (inc me)

The OP is in the best place to decide how to handle this and whatever she decides should stay between them. I don't think she even needs the pressure to keep this tread up to date (at least with details) but only if she needs more advice.

Best of luck to all of you family and you.

bubblypop wrote: »

Are posters wrong, for saying that's not normal?
People are entitled to their opinion. That is their normal

It's obvious from the majority of replies on this thread, in relation to the OP, that people do not think it's normal for the father in a family to do whatever he wants at the weekend. Especially when BOTH parents work full time!
Why shouldn't the OP learn that what she has to live with isn't actually normal in a healthy adult relationship?

It's not that anyone is suggesting (I don't think anyone is suggesting anyway), that what the OP has to live with isn't actually normal in a healthy adult relationship. It's more of a question of what actual relevance does what anyone else think is or isn't normal in a healthy adult relationship, if they believe it's more important in a healthy adult relationship that both the OP and their husband have a situation that actually works, for both of them, that both of them are happy with. What anyone else thinks is or isn't normal after that, just doesn't come into it IMO. I wouldn't consider the opinions of a small few posters on a tiny Irish website as anywhere near approaching enough data to be representative of anything really, let alone what is or isn't normal in the context of what I know of Irish society as a whole. If the OP and her husband were actually to try and achieve what they perceive to be normal, well, up until a few days ago, the OP had achieved what she thought was normal already, and it transpires she wasn't happy. In attempting to achieve what anyone else considers normal, I don't think the OP is going to be any happier, and will quite likely become even more frustrated as they try to live up to other people's standards of what is or isn't normal. It's more important IMO that the OP more concern themselves with what actually works, for all of them, as a whole family, because that'll get them all a lot closer to becoming happy than being concerned with whether other people think are they behaving normally now? now? Is there something else they should be doing to meet other people's standards of what's normal and what isn't?

You get the idea hopefully - they'll always be chasing 'normal', and they'll forego the idea of actually being content and happy, in the pursuit of fitting in with other people's ideas and standards for what they should and shouldn't be doing.

bubblypop wrote: »

Really? I didn't hear from the OPs oh at all, from what i read it appears that her OH goes out drinking on Friday and Saturday night, she doesn't have money to go drinking.

I'm giving the OP's husband the benefit of the doubt that he isn't a complete moron, rather that he is acutely aware of how the OP feels, but either he doesn't want to acknowledge it, doesn't want to deal with it, is avoiding it altogether, or simply doesn't know how to deal with it, and would rather default to what he knows, and hope the issue resolves itself, or doesn't resolve itself but he's able to tolerate it for the time being in the hope that something will force his hand and make that decision for him. The OP doesn't have money to go out drinking and that's due to the financial arrangement they appear to have originally agreed on. It's up to the OP to renegotiate the terms of that particular deal to put herself in a more favourable position if what she wants is to go drinking, but it appears to me that what the OP would rather is not that she would go drinking, but that her husband would actually stop drinking so much and want to come home and spend more time with her. Time doesn't cost anything the last time I checked, it's literally an infinite resource, it just takes a bit of time management for both the OP and her husband to work something out that actually works for them both.