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Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

mockingjay

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

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__Alex__

homerjay2005 wrote: »

He earns more and pays the mortgage. im sorry, but saying they dont pool the money because she fears it will be spent in the pub, is just hyperbole.

The OP said that. Are you saying that she is exaggerating?

R.D. aka MR.D

homerjay2005 wrote: »

He earns more and pays the mortgage. im sorry, but saying they dont pool the money because she fears it will be spent in the pub, is just hyperbole.

in this case, yes i would say this is manipulation and its opinion. there is no facts behind it.

So you are accusing people of calling him bad things without knowing the full story and now you are doing the exact same thing to the OP.

There are no facts behind it? Unless you are the husband or at a stretch one of the kids, you don't know what the facts are.

homerjay2005

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Spending money getting drunk in the pub twice a week when his wife scrimps and saves to pay all the bills, feed and clothe the family, sort out Christmas and birthdays, pay for activities and holidays as well as pay off debts is selfish.

i think the OP needs to clarify this also, because alot of posters think he is getting hammered drunk, every friday and saturday night when this, from what i read is not the case.

OP, can you please clear this up?

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

So you are accusing people of calling him bad things without knowing the full story and now you are doing the exact same thing to the OP.

There are no facts behind it? Unless you are the husband or at a stretch one of the kids, you don't know what the facts are.

the OP has said he is a good person, a good dad and pays the mortgage. thats seems to be completely forgotten to alot of people here.

El_Duderino 09

homerjay2005 wrote: »

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

It's worth pointing out that you're the only one calling him a loser as part of your persecution fantasy. Other posters have suggested that he prioritises drink and socialising over spending time and money with his wife and family. Meanwhile his wife spends all her disposable money on their family. It's completely normal to wonder whether he's doing it because he has a dependency on alcohol or is just being selfish.

You seem to be determined to make this a sexism issue about how men are persecuted and women lionised. I think you chose a bad example for your self-persecution. The OP's husband doesn't have to be a loser or a crap dad, because its clear that hes spending the family money on himself and that's selfish to say the least.

oh really? in the first page of the replies alone, you have the following -

Tbh sounds like he has a problem.

1. How did you manage to post from the 1970s?
2. No. That's it. How did you post here from decades ago?!?

but that's actually pretty sh*t.

He sounds like a fcking nightmare.

Husband sounds like an arse,

I would recommend the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics"

Your husband sounds like a selfish arse

I feel bad for the op, her husband sounds like a selfish prick!!

Sounds like alcohol is more important to him than his wife and family.

its not clear at all that he is spending his money on drink before family - he is paying the mortage. you are jumping to conclusions that he is a bad person and your agreeing with the posters above. the OP has said several times he is a good man but you and mutiple other people just want to demonise him and throw him to the lions.

Yeah some are suggesting he might have a drink problem which would explain his getting ****faced every Friday and Saturday. Breakdown of your examples: 3 suggest he has a drink issue (which is a reasonable explanation for his spending the family money on booze) 2 suggest his behaviour is selfish, 2 are personal insults on the OP's husband, 1 says the situation sounds sh!t and one suggests this sounds like an old fashioned problem from the 70s.

You're taking it way too personally to the point that you're using some irrelevant quotes to support your persecution fantasy against the OP and men in general. Saying "but that's actually pretty sh*t" isn't some kind of personal accusation against you or the OP's husband or all men. Its a commentary on the situation the OP finds them self in.

Also, no need for you to tell me what I agree with, I'll tell you if I agree with something.

[Deleted User]

homerjay2005 wrote: »

He earns more and pays the mortgage. im sorry, but saying they dont pool the money because she fears it will be spent in the pub, is just hyperbole.

in this case, yes i would say this is manipulation and its opinion. there is no facts behind it.

It's the OPs opinion, and she should know.
She said they don't pool money for the mortgage because it would be spent in the pub. She doesn't go to the pub

Mr.Wemmick

homerjay2005 wrote: »

He earns more and pays the mortgage. im sorry, but saying they dont pool the money because she fears it will be spent in the pub, is just hyperbole.

in this case, yes i would say this is manipulation and its opinion. there is no facts behind it.

It cuts both ways. You can not cherry pick this argument as you have no facts to support your assumptions either - just hyperbole.

ceadaoin.

homerjay2005 wrote: »

i think the OP needs to clarify this also, because alot of posters think he is getting hammered drunk, every friday and saturday night when this, from what i read is not the case.

OP, can you please clear this up?

the OP has said he is a good person, a good dad and pays the mortgage. thats seems to be completely forgotten to alot of people here.

He drinks to the point that he is sick the next morning, and the OP won't share a bed with him because he snores and stinks of alcohol. I think the OP also said she has to drive in the mornings because he would be over the limit. Seems like he is getting hammered drunk tbh

R.D. aka MR.D

homerjay2005 wrote: »

the OP has said he is a good person, a good dad and pays the mortgage. thats seems to be completely forgotten to alot of people here.

She also says other things. Those can't be ignored either.

If you are accusing her of hyperbole then how do you know that saying he is a 'good person' and a 'good dad' isn't hyperbole on her part as well. Is it because it suits your interpretation of the situation?

Chuchote

Why is everyone getting so heated about this?

I'm leaving the thread now, don't see it serving any purpose at this stage.

[Deleted User]

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Nope, have to disagree again. The OP didn't at all sell her husband as a complete waster. The fact that some people interpreted her opening post in the way you're suggesting is on them, that's their responsibility. The OP isn't at all responsible for how some people chose to interpret and respond to her opening post, nor to any of her subsequent posts, and I'm actually so, so relieved that she came back to respond and clarify an awful lot of the details and flesh out the glimpse of their relationship that we got in the opening post. I certainly wouldn't have back after the assumptions and judgements passed about her husband by some posters, but it certainly speaks to the OP's character that she did come back, and that she did clear up an awful lot of the misconceptions, judgements and so on.

It wasn't the OP was unfair on her husband, it was the posters who chose to interpret her opening posts that way, were unfair on her husband. The thread has definitely taken a more moderate tone since the OP fleshed out a few of the details.

OP you spoke of some outstanding debts. If there's one thing that puts an incredible amount of stress on a relationship, it's money, second to that on a more personal level is job security, and I'm just wondering how secure are both your jobs because if my back of a napkin calculations are any way close (mortgaged house in Dublin and working off an average budget for your household, not including any savings), it sounds like you're both in denial about how to properly manage your finances. It's no excuse for it, but it may well explain your husband's need to get blotto on the regular - escapism. Do you worry about finances or being way in over your head or if it all came crashing down in the morning? Have you considered getting some financial advice or sitting down and having a serious chat about your finances, basically try to get to the root of the problem with exactly why your husband has gotten into a routine like this when he's aware of your financial situation. Obviously it can't go on, and I think your husband is aware of it, but in denial about it and doesn't want to hear anything about it.

Obviously I could be completely off base about all this, but what's also quite common among people in Irish society is that they let their pride get in the way of reaching out to anyone for help, and there are far, far too many people like this in Ireland, irrespective of their gender, because I've never known one gender to be more capable of it than the other when it comes to letting their pride get in the way of reaching out to people, and wanting to protect those closest to them, they'll pretend it isn't happening.

So you think the OP shouldn't have any issue with their OH?
You think its ok that her OH goes out every Friday and Saturday night, to the extent that the OH can't bring the kids to their activities? The OP has to bring the kids to extra activities, her OH can't because of his nights out. She can't even sleep with him! Do you think that's normal? She can't sleep with him because of the amount he drinks!
Is it ok that the OP has to pay for groceries, household bills, school activities, out of school activities, and family holidays, and her OH goes out drinking his money without putting his money into any of this?

[Deleted User]

mockingjay wrote: »

Thank you - In a way I'm glad in a way I made it too - for me and for others that may be following it.... I still find it a bit hard to believe I'm one of very few women in Ireland that experience this...

Mockingjay, you're not one of a very few women.

I'd guess there are plenty of women in a similar situation, or even a worse situation.

My two cents worth:

It seems unfair that you are left alone 2 nights a week, while your husband spends his time with his friends.

It also seems unfair that you seem to be the one shouldering the financial worries. I'm using the term worries because I obviously don't know how much the mortgage costs, but if he can go drinking 2 nights a week, while you (seem to) struggle a bit - then he is not being reasonable about the family finances, imo.

It's very easy to get into bad habits in a long term relationship. Teenagers, for example, tend to be more expensive to budget for than when the kids were younger.

It may be that he simply doesn't realise how you feel, or that the money he spends in the pub would make your life easier.

Have a think about how this situation developed before you discuss it with him.

You might find that things are more easily resolved than people posting here might assume.

In any case, best of luck. I hope the situation gets resolved so that both of you are happy, and can spend some fun time together at weekends. Now the kids are older, it might be time to make a few changes to old habits. For both of you.

lawred2

mockingjay wrote: »

I have to say I was, hubbie often scuttles off to the pub after work on Fridays & is sick on Saturday, but he was off today, came for a walk & a coffee with me, spent time with the kids, joined us for a movie, it was so nice. He misses so much family time at the weekends as he goes out on a Saturday night too, I don't go out because the early morning football runs kill me, I need my sleep, he comes too, but often hungover, I can't do that... and to think he'll be up tomorrow morning to help out will be fantastic.... I loved it... I don't allow him to come into our bed at the weekend because of the snoring & smell of alcohol but it will be so nice to wake up warm tomorrow with no smell of beer!!! I might even get a cuddle:))

Shush love that floor won't get mopped itself now..

Mod: Banned

[Deleted User]

lawred2 wrote: »

Shush love that floor won't get mopped itself now..

Ah, here! There's no need for that!

The OP has shown great dignity in coming back onto the thread. Comments like yours are not helpful.

lawred2

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ah, here! There's no need for that!

The OP has shown great dignity in coming back onto the thread. Comments like yours are not helpful.

I missed the bit where help was sought..

Mr.Wemmick

lawred2 wrote: »

I missed the bit where help was sought..

Well, if you run along and get your mop & bucket, I'll show you the bit you missed.

One eyed Jack

bubblypop wrote: »

So you think the OP shouldn't have any issue with their OH?

What I think the OP should and shouldn't have an issue with isn't particularly relevant. It's what the OP herself has an issue with is all that's relevant here. From the outset, the OP didn't appear to me at least, to have any issues in her relationship, she herself was of the opinion that her relationship was perfectly normal. It since transpires that the OP has a whole multitude of issues, none of which I don't think are going to be resolved without having a serious chat with her husband first and foremost, and decide between themselves what are the next steps they want to take from there. From her posts, I don't think the OP has any intent to be confrontational with her husband about it, which is good, because IMO if she were to get all confrontational about it, her husband would most likely shut the conversation down. It needs to be a two-way communication, with listening to each other far more important than actually talking.

bubblypop wrote: »

You think its ok that her OH goes out every Friday and Saturday night, to the extent that the OH can't bring the kids to their activities? The OP has to bring the kids to extra activities, her OH can't because of his nights out.

Again - it doesn't matter what I think, it only matters what the OP thinks, and it's become obvious that the OP clearly has an issue with this, which again will only be resolved by having that conversation with her husband. It's likely to be an incredibly difficult one, so the OP would want to be mentally ready for it, physically and emotionally too, because it'll likely be mentally, physically and emotionally draining for both of them. It'd want to be done at the right time and in the right environment too, but I don't imagine the OP is going to spring it on her husband while they're out for a meal and before she's expecting him to disappear after the meal to get down to the pub for more liquor.

bubblypop wrote: »

She can't even sleep with him! Do you think that's normal? She can't sleep with him because of the amount he drinks!

Eesh, it's a tricky one that, because my genuine answer would honestly have to be based upon only my own experience and that of the people I've known and based on that, I'd have to say yes, it's absolutely normal, but it sure as fcuk ain't healthy, for either of them! The OP mentioned in her opening post that she hoped for a cuddle in the morning, so at least I'd probably be hopeful in thinking 'dead bed' syndrome hasn't set in on their relationship, but it's possible given that either or both of them could be under an incredible amount of stress. The OP says that she's a happy-go-lucky kind of person, and from her posts I believe she is, she even manages to acknowledge that her husband is a good father to their children and he's a good man generally. This one particular kicker of an issue though is upsetting her and that's obviously not right. Clearly she would want back the man she married before he got into the current routine he's in. We know fcukall about him or his perspective though, but I believe the OP has a good handle on the situation and knows best how to talk to her husband.

bubblypop wrote: »

Is it ok that the OP has to pay for groceries, household bills, school activities, out of school activities, and family holidays, and her OH goes out drinking his money without putting his money into any of this?

Like I said earlier, some people have what appears to me to be bizarre ways of managing their finances, I don't quite understand it, but if both parties feel it works for them - more power to them. The OP again posted that she has concerns about the way in which her husband would manage his financial contribution to the household if he were given complete control of their finances. This is why I gave my wife complete control of our finances, because I can handle billion dollar transactions daily, but â‚¬20 in my pocket doesn't last pissing time, I'll have either given it away to the nearest homeless person, or I just won't remember spending it. I recently started using an ATM card and I couldn't even remember my own bloody PIN, thank fcuk for tap and pay because I took my team out for dinner last week and put nearly â‚¬400 behind the bar. Knowing then my wife could have a shÃt fit if she checked the account on her phone, I had to call her and tell her not to panic! You should see the looks I get from some people when I tell them that my wife manages our finances - "But she isn't working? But aren't you separated?", I used respond with a blank stare, as I didn't think anything of it, it just works for us, but some people think it's weird. Rather than give them my life story, it's just easier to just say "it works for us", and most of the time they'll just leave it at that.

Clearly if the OP isn't happy with how the household finances are being managed, she needs to bring that up with her husband. I posted earlier in reply to homer that I meet a lot of couples recently who do the whole "what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours" kind of thing, and I don't press them on it, but from the way they explain it to me and from what I know of them, for many people it's about having and maintaining their own small bit of independence. I don't say it to them, as it's none of my business, and I left homer to guess who usually draws the short straw in an arrangement like that, and yeah, more often than not it's the lower earner of the two who is usually a woman, who draws the short straw (don't get me started on how that works when other factors like LGB couples or both partners earning the same comes into the equation, it's a fcuking minefield is money which is why I tend to stay away from it. It just doesn't interest or motivate me in any way, shape or form whatsoever!). For what it's worth, it's just more convenient for me personally that my wife takes care of all that kind of stuff too, and yes, while we are separated, we're still legally married and neither of us has any intention of making a separation or divorce legal, as the way we are now works for all of us, including our child, as a family. The OP and her husband need to have a conversation to find out just what works for them as a family, because right now it doesn't sound like either the OP or her husband are entirely happy with their current circumstances.

BelovedAunt

mockingjay wrote: »

Hard to say - reflecting a lot this weekend for sure!

You sound like a very grounded and intelligent woman. I think your husband is very lucky to have you. While broaching this subject with him will be tough, especially since you had a great Easter weekend with him, I think that showing him this thread could potentially be a life changing moment for you both.

[Deleted User]

Are posters wrong, for saying that's not normal?
People are entitled to their opinion. That is their normal

It's obvious from the majority of replies on this thread, in relation to the OP, that people do not think it's normal for the father in a family to do whatever he wants at the weekend. Especially when BOTH parents work full time!
Why shouldn't the OP learn that what she has to live with isn't actually normal in a healthy adult relationship?

Beyondgone

bubblypop wrote: »

Are posters wrong, for saying that's not normal?
People are entitled to their opinion. That is their normal

It's obvious from the majority of replies on this thread, in relation to the OP, that people do not think it's normal for the father in a family to do whatever he wants at the weekend. Especially when BOTH parents work full time!
Why shouldn't the OP learn that what she has to live with isn't actually normal in a healthy adult relationship?

Loads of fathers bugger off and have zero family involvement. Plenty don't even acknowledge that they have a child, or a family. So bearing down on someone who goes missing for the weekend is quite harsh considering plenty are missing 24/7/365. Perhaps a little perspective is needed here?

[Deleted User]

One eyed Jack wrote: »

doesn't sound like either the OP or her husband are entirely happy with their current circumstances.

Really? I didn't hear from the OPs oh at all, from what i read it appears that her OH goes out drinking on Friday and Saturday night, she doesn't have money to go drinking.

[Deleted User]

Beyondgone wrote: »

Loads of fathers bugger off and have zero family involvement. Plenty don't even acknowledge that they have a child, or a family. So bearing down on someone who goes missing for the weekend is quite harsh considering plenty are missing 24/7/365. Perhaps a little perspective is needed here?

I'm missing your point?
In this thread the OP has learned that not everyone thinks it's ok for a father to spend the weekend on the beer with little or no family interaction.

ForestFire

BelovedAunt wrote: »

You sound like a very grounded and intelligent woman. I think your husband is very lucky to have you. While broaching this subject with him will be tough, especially since you had a great Easter weekend with him, I think that showing him this thread could potentially be a life changing moment for you both.

Does it have to be though? Why not take it from a positive perspective. As some have said, maybe the husband does not see or realise there is any issue.

Why not start by telling him all the positive from this Easter Saturday, how much you enjoyed the day with him and maybe you could do the same every second weekend for example. See how this goes as a first step.

I don't think showing this thread to him will help at all. A bunch of strangers (rightly or wrongly) having a go at him. It may make him more defensive.

Even the op should take a lot of feedback carefully, as i don't think after hours is up to the general level of relationship counselling (inc me)

The OP is in the best place to decide how to handle this and whatever she decides should stay between them. I don't think she even needs the pressure to keep this tread up to date (at least with details) but only if she needs more advice.

Best of luck to all of you family and you.

Beyondgone

bubblypop wrote: »

I'm missing your point?
In this thread the OP has learned that not everyone thinks it's ok for a father to spend the weekend on the beer with little or no family interaction.

Well as long as the OP has learnt something, that's ok then.

Loads of "fathers" spend the entire week off, on the beer or whatever. Who do you think populates the pubs? Singletons? The OP's lad sounds pretty average.

[Deleted User]

The fact the kids are teens changes things a lot, I don't see much issue with two regular nights out compared to if they were young children. They don't need minding and really can't see them needing any hand holding at their sporting events. It should really be drop off and pick up after. Also no babysitters required so the op can go out herself too. It's a very different picture.

I would actually think it's fairly normal for parents of teenage kids to be getting out regulalry also as they will have gotten back a lot of the freedom lost when kids were young.

As for finances that's really down to the couple. We very much operate with paying the shared bills and shared food but everything else is yout own to save/spend as you want. The ops situation does look a little unfair (depending on the mortgage) where costs could be shared out more but in no way would I say left over money has to be pooled as many couples just don't operate like that.

[Deleted User]

ForestFire wrote: »

Does it have to be though? Why not take it from a positive perspective. As some have said, maybe the husband does not see or realise there is any issue.

Why not start by telling him all the positive from this Easter Saturday, how much you enjoyed the day with him and maybe you could do the same every second weekend for example. See how this goes as a first step.

I don't think showing this thread to him will help at all. A bunch of strangers (rightly or wrongly) having a go at him. It may make him more defensive.

Even the op should take a lot of feedback carefully, as i don't think after hours is up to the general level of relationship counselling (inc me)

The OP is in the best place to decide how to handle this and whatever she decides should stay between them. I don't think she even needs the pressure to keep this tread up to date (at least with details) but only if she needs more advice.

Best of luck to all of you family and you.

Yeah,I think if a guy used to drink heavily when he was single and then ends up with a partner who is patient enough to care of kids at weekends with little help he'd have no clue there was an issue with what he was doing.
At the start of the thread I assumed the kids were v small but it is surprising that the whole thing seems to have gone so far, that the kids are teenagers and the couple sleep apart at the weekends.
Obviously taking a positive approach is best if possible but it sounds like the habits are fairly entrenched by now.

[Deleted User]

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

The fact the kids are teens changes things a lot, I don't see much issue with two regular nights out compared to if they were young children. They don't need minding and really can't see them needing any hand holding at their sporting events. It should really be drop off and pick up after. Also no babysitters required so the op can go out herself too. It's a very different picture.

I would actually think it's fairly normal for parents of teenage kids to be getting out regulalry also as they will have gotten back a lot of the freedom lost when kids were young.

But the OP pays for all bills, groceries, extra curricular activities for the kids, all Xmas & birthday presents.
You think that's ok?

[Deleted User]

bubblypop wrote: »

But the OP pays for all bills, groceries, extra curricular activities for the kids, all Xmas & birthday presents.
You think that's ok?

I edited the previous post to add some comments on the finances.

One eyed Jack

bubblypop wrote: »

Are posters wrong, for saying that's not normal?
People are entitled to their opinion. That is their normal

It's obvious from the majority of replies on this thread, in relation to the OP, that people do not think it's normal for the father in a family to do whatever he wants at the weekend. Especially when BOTH parents work full time!
Why shouldn't the OP learn that what she has to live with isn't actually normal in a healthy adult relationship?

It's not that anyone is suggesting (I don't think anyone is suggesting anyway), that what the OP has to live with isn't actually normal in a healthy adult relationship. It's more of a question of what actual relevance does what anyone else think is or isn't normal in a healthy adult relationship, if they believe it's more important in a healthy adult relationship that both the OP and their husband have a situation that actually works, for both of them, that both of them are happy with. What anyone else thinks is or isn't normal after that, just doesn't come into it IMO. I wouldn't consider the opinions of a small few posters on a tiny Irish website as anywhere near approaching enough data to be representative of anything really, let alone what is or isn't normal in the context of what I know of Irish society as a whole. If the OP and her husband were actually to try and achieve what they perceive to be normal, well, up until a few days ago, the OP had achieved what she thought was normal already, and it transpires she wasn't happy. In attempting to achieve what anyone else considers normal, I don't think the OP is going to be any happier, and will quite likely become even more frustrated as they try to live up to other people's standards of what is or isn't normal. It's more important IMO that the OP more concern themselves with what actually works, for all of them, as a whole family, because that'll get them all a lot closer to becoming happy than being concerned with whether other people think are they behaving normally now? now? Is there something else they should be doing to meet other people's standards of what's normal and what isn't?

You get the idea hopefully - they'll always be chasing 'normal', and they'll forego the idea of actually being content and happy, in the pursuit of fitting in with other people's ideas and standards for what they should and shouldn't be doing.

bubblypop wrote: »

Really? I didn't hear from the OPs oh at all, from what i read it appears that her OH goes out drinking on Friday and Saturday night, she doesn't have money to go drinking.

I'm giving the OP's husband the benefit of the doubt that he isn't a complete moron, rather that he is acutely aware of how the OP feels, but either he doesn't want to acknowledge it, doesn't want to deal with it, is avoiding it altogether, or simply doesn't know how to deal with it, and would rather default to what he knows, and hope the issue resolves itself, or doesn't resolve itself but he's able to tolerate it for the time being in the hope that something will force his hand and make that decision for him. The OP doesn't have money to go out drinking and that's due to the financial arrangement they appear to have originally agreed on. It's up to the OP to renegotiate the terms of that particular deal to put herself in a more favourable position if what she wants is to go drinking, but it appears to me that what the OP would rather is not that she would go drinking, but that her husband would actually stop drinking so much and want to come home and spend more time with her. Time doesn't cost anything the last time I checked, it's literally an infinite resource, it just takes a bit of time management for both the OP and her husband to work something out that actually works for them both.

[Deleted User]

This is such bull**** jack!

Basically you think that any married ( or otherwise) couple question their relationship on here, that everyone else is wrong, the couple do what is right for them?

Unfortunately, that's not really life, there are many many couples that live in a disfunctional relationship. And they may think it's right. Many people don't know they are in a disfunctional or abusive relationship until they know about others relationships

[Deleted User]

Of course people have to do what's right for them. But the OP didn't put up the thread because she was pleased with her husbands drinking and it is v understandable that she would have issues.
Hopefully things can be put right for them fairly easily with a bit of honesty and improved self awareness. I don't know if anyone else mentioned it, but the reasons the fella here, who is apparently a nice guy, is choosing to spend his weekends hungover rather than with family is probably something for all involved to talk about too. Sure it's a difficult situation for the OP (who comes across v well in her posts) but her husband might be drinking to cope with things he finds difficult. That's not making excuses for the behaviour or saying it's ok btw, just trying to understand it.