The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar7 · 08-10-2016 06:19PM

What does a gynaecologist do when he's feeling sentimental?

Looks up an old girlfriend.

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2016 09:41PM

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2016 09:53PM

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2016 10:00PM

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please.. don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.

"Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2016 10:07PM

in-flight announcements

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child pick your favourite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than XYZ Airlines."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2016 10:11PM

Just a warning for when you next go on holiday!
A friend of mine went on holiday last week and got a flight from Heathrow with BA.

It was terrible he kept shouting "You crazy fool, I aint getting on no plane!"

Wompa1 · 08-10-2016 10:14PM

More about the delivery:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv0iXXAgnhM

Capt'n Midnight · 08-10-2016 11:53PM

There were three churches ; the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church, and the Catholic church.

Each church was overrun with squirrels. One day the Elders of the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the pests. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles out of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter, and even then they come late and leave early!

Realt Dearg Sec · 09-10-2016 02:38PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

More about the delivery:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv0iXXAgnhM

He really is the best "joke-teller" I've heard, his delivery can just have you in stitches for no reason you can explain...

That guy...wait til you hear me do it.

So this guy...I'll be the guy...

Microdot · 09-10-2016 02:59PM

What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?

A boy scout comes home from camp.

Commotion Ocean · 09-10-2016 09:42PM

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on, but you can't sleep with a hard on

Commotion Ocean · 09-10-2016 09:45PM

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders a half pint, the third orders a quarter of a pint and so on. This happens for the next twenty mathematicians and the barman stops and signs .... "You're all idiots" .. and he pours two pints.....

iLikeWaffles · 09-10-2016 09:46PM

A young lad enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this and I'll prove it to you."

The barber puts €5 in one hand and €2 in the other, then asked the boy, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the €2 and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of a shop eating a Cornetto.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the €2 instead of the €5?"

The lad takes a bite out of the Cornetto and says:

"Because the day I take the €5 its game over!"

Hagar7 · 09-10-2016 10:55PM

A guy boards a flight from New Orleans plane with lobsters in a box,presses the call button for the air hostess and asks her to put the crabs in the freezer cabinet.
He warns her that she must not let them thaw or there will be dire consequences as he is a lawyer and there will be all hell to pay.
Later on the flight the plane's tannoy opens and the air hostess asks 'will the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand'.
Nobody moved so she took them home and ate them.

Hagar7 · 09-10-2016 11:03PM

Dyslexics of the world untie.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 09-10-2016 11:03PM

Hagar7 wrote: »

A guy boards a flight from New Orleans plane with lobsters in a box,presses the call button for the air hostess and asks her to put the crabs in the freezer cabinet.
He warns her that she must not let them thaw or there will be dire consequences as he is a lawyer and there will be all hell to pay.
Later on the flight the plane's tannoy opens and the air hostess asks 'will the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand'.
Nobody moved so she took them home and ate them.

What happened to the lobsters?

Hagar7 · 09-10-2016 11:08PM

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotised 11 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*%# ME!"...

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life!I

Hagar7 · 09-10-2016 11:09PM

Ryder Greasy Vent wrote: »

What happened to the lobsters?

Just testing to see if you were paying attention.

kfallon · 09-10-2016 11:35PM

My arse was sore after a curry. The wife said "ringsting"
I said "what the fúck will he know about it???"

Capt'n Midnight · 10-10-2016 12:16AM

Men are like........Laxatives........They irritate the **** out of you.

Men are like........Bananas........The older they get, the less firm they are

Men are like........Vacations........They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like........Weather........Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like........Blenders........You need one, but you're not quite sure why...

Men are like........Chocolate Bars........Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips

Men are like........Coffee........The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like........Commercials........You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like........Department Stores........Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like.........Government Bonds........They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like.........Mascara........They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like........Popcorn........They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like........Snowstorms........You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like........Lava Lamps........Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like........Parking Spots........All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

kfallon · 10-10-2016 01:25PM

I was in bed last night pulling my boxers off when my girlfriend walked in and said please don't do that to the dogs!

Nodster · 10-10-2016 03:03PM

Stroked from a friends timeline......

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wanted to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here!?!"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?...

Ande1975 · 11-10-2016 05:20PM

A priest books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn in my room is disabled."

Clerk replies "no it's regular porn you sick bastard"

chughes · 11-10-2016 08:26PM

I believe Samsung are working on a replacement to the Galaxy Note 7. It will be called The Prodigy.

bodhrandude · 11-10-2016 08:46PM

Why did the pervert cross the road? Couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-10-2016 11:09PM

Klingon Fairy tales!

Best read in the voice of Worf - iLikeWaffles

"Goldilocks Dies With Honour at the Hands of the Three Bears"

"Snow White and the Six Dwarves She Killed With Her Bare Hands and the Seventh Dwarf She Let Get Away as a Warning to Others"

"There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe With a Big Spike on It"

"The Three Little Pigs Build an Improvised Explosive Device and Deal With That Damned Wolf Once and for All"

"Jack and the Giant Settle Their Differences With Flaming Knives"

"Old Mother Hubbard, Lacking the Means to Support Herself With Honour, Sets Her Disruptor on Self-Destruct and Waits for the Inevitable"

"Mary Had a Little Lamb. It Was Delicious"

"Little Red Riding Hood Strays Into the Neutral Zone and Is Never Heard From Again, Although There Are Rumors ... Awful, Awful Rumours"

"Hansel and Gretel Offend Vlad the Impaler"

"The Hare Foolishly Lowers His Guard and Is Devastated by the Tortoise, Whose Prowess in Battle Attracts Many Desirable Mates"

iLikeWaffles · 11-10-2016 11:23PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Klingon Fairy tales!

"Goldilocks Dies With Honour at the Hands of the Three Bears"

"Snow White and the Six Dwarves She Killed With Her Bare Hands and the Seventh Dwarf She Let Get Away as a Warning to Others"

"There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe With a Big Spike on It"

"The Three Little Pigs Build an Improvised Explosive Device and Deal With That Damned Wolf Once and for All"

"Jack and the Giant Settle Their Differences With Flaming Knives"

"Old Mother Hubbard, Lacking the Means to Support Herself With Honour, Sets Her Disruptor on Self-Destruct and Waits for the Inevitable"

"Mary Had a Little Lamb. It Was Delicious"

"Little Red Riding Hood Strays Into the Neutral Zone and Is Never Heard From Again, Although There Are Rumors ... Awful, Awful Rumours"

"Hansel and Gretel Offend Vlad the Impaler"

"The Hare Foolishly Lowers His Guard and Is Devastated by the Tortoise, Whose Prowess in Battle Attracts Many Desirable Mates"

Best read in the voice of Worf.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-10-2016 11:58PM

Two limbo dancers walked into a bar....

...they weren't very good at it yet.

Capt'n Midnight · 12-10-2016 12:00AM

I have a newt called Tiny. He is my newt.

Capt'n Midnight · 12-10-2016 12:32AM

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1.. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2.. Drink a cup of coffee, read a magazine, chat with others waiting.
3.. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1.. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2.. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3.. Open a beer and drink it.
4.. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5.. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.. Place drain pan under engine.
8.. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9.. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10.. Unscrew drain plug.
11.. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12.. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13.. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14.. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15.. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16.. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17.. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18.. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19.. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20.. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21.. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22.. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23.. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24.. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25.. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26.. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27.. Drink beer.
28.. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29.. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30.. Drink beer.
31.. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32.. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33.. Begin cussing fit.
34.. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35.. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36.. Beer.
37.. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38.. Beer.
39.. Beer.
40.. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41.. Beer.
42.. Lower car from jack stands.
43.. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44.. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45.. Beer.
46.. Test drive car.
47.. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48.. Car gets impounded.
49.. Call loving wife, make bail.
50.. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts - $50.00
Beer - $40.00
Impound fee -$75.00
Bail - $1500.00
DUI - $2500.00
Total $4165.00 --
But you know the job was done right.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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