The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

gramar · 15-09-2016 10:37AM

Teacher: 'Well kids...what sounds did you learn at the farm yesterday?'
Kids: Mooooo.....quack quack....baaaaa....get down off that tractor you little bollix......

BattleCorp · 15-09-2016 10:52AM

gramar wrote: »

Teacher: 'Well kids...what sounds did you learn at the farm yesterday?'
Kids: Mooooo.....quack quack....baaaaa....get down off that tractor you little bollix......

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I'm seriously leaving this thread.

gramar · 15-09-2016 10:59AM

BattleCorp wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I'm seriously leaving this thread.

Close the door on the way out!

Hagar7 · 15-09-2016 11:40AM

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.

The owner of the shop said, "what do you do for a riving?"

I said, "what do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."

So the Chinese chap says, "go on then, change colour."

I said, "no! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."

So then he says, "tell me a joke, make me raff."

I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"

Just then his Pan caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"

And he said, "who der?"

chewed · 16-09-2016 09:18AM

Whose smoothies make heaven a place on earth?

Blender Carlisle

Pinch Flat · 16-09-2016 09:47AM

Maybe not the best joke, but made me chuckle.

Daffy Duck is away on a weekend with his missus. Realising he had no condoms, he puts a call to hotel reception looking for one. They ask him if they'd like them to put it on his bill. Daffy replies "are you thucking thupid, it'll thufficate me"

chewed · 16-09-2016 10:08AM

Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar.

The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again."

MonkieSocks · 16-09-2016 02:21PM

One cannibal says to another "I don't like my mother-in-law"

The other says " Well, just eat the chips then."

coolhull · 16-09-2016 02:23PM

Barack Obama rings Bill Clinton.

"Hey, Bill, how's Hilary's head? "
" Ah, it's okay . Not as good as Monica Lewinsky's, though ".....

Esel · 16-09-2016 08:34PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

One cannibal says to another "I don't like my mother-in-law"

The other says " Well, just eat the chips then."

What's the definition of trust?

Getting a blowjob from a cannibal.

XR3i · 16-09-2016 08:35PM

wats de difrence beteeen a duck street and mayo

a duck strreeet goes quack and a mayo goes quick

Mr Tibbs · 17-09-2016 12:09PM

Yes sir what will it be !
Give me a pint of anything except Guinness
And why not Guinness sir, it is our best seller
Well the last time I came in here I had 10 pints of Guinness and I when I got home I was f*cking skint
There isn't much difference in the price of any of our pints here sir, so if you were short of funds it wasn't because of the price difference
You don't understand, Skint is my dog

Microdot · 17-09-2016 05:04PM

Esel wrote: »

What's the definition of trust?

Getting a blowjob from a cannibal.

What's the definition of trust?

Getting a blowjob from your Motherinlaw.

Felix Jones is God · 17-09-2016 05:24PM

Microdot wrote: »

What's the definition of disgust?

Getting a blowjob from your Motherinlaw.

That's a bit more like it

Microdot · 17-09-2016 07:36PM

I was showing my doctor the rash on my knob today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didnt want to touch it. He just said make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and then walked off with his family & carried on shopping

bonzodog2 · 18-09-2016 10:46AM

An old article I came to while netsurfing:
"Google calls for greater electronic privacy protections"
https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2013/jan/28/google-data-privacy-day-ecpa

Tee Hee Chortle, Guffaw etc.

Curly Judge · 18-09-2016 02:02PM

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'

( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

coolhull · 18-09-2016 06:38PM

Dublin were lucky they had that fine player Eoin Goal on their side today. Otherwise they'd have been well beaten.

Hagar7 · 20-09-2016 12:09PM

If it wasn't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for the lot of us.

GBX · 20-09-2016 12:25PM

Do you know what really makes me smile ??

Facial muscles.

yosser hughes · 20-09-2016 12:46PM

Do you know what happened to the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

emeldc · 20-09-2016 02:56PM

<snip>

MetalDog · 20-09-2016 07:21PM

This morning in work , my boss handed me a large roll of bubble wrap and said "will you just pop that in the corner please?"

Took me four hours.

Curly Judge · 20-09-2016 11:35PM

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I
started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to
eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV
and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was
working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full
medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol?
Divorce?">
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

Capt'n Midnight · 21-09-2016 12:41AM

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

These so-called 'foodbanks' are a total rip-off.

I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take it out today they said they'd given it away to someone else. Unbelievable.

Paddy McNee was making and selling chicken burgers. These became very popular due to the taste, an old family secret passed down through the generations, and before long Paddy had to expand his manufacturing operations to keep up with demand. He began exporting to Europe, where they were received even better and he soon became rich.

Little did anyone know he had been mixing horsemeat into the chicken burgers, but eventually guilt got the better of him, so he went to Church to relieve his conscience...

"How much horse did you put into the chicken burgers, Patrick?" asked the Priest at confession.

"I never went beyond the 50/50 mark, Father." he replied. "One chicken, one horse."

Capt'n Midnight · 21-09-2016 12:46AM

Grrr why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way!

Wait..

I mean a usb stick.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-09-2016 01:08AM

I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.

Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.

My wife is like a DFS sale, she just goes on and on

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."

They got that wrong!

Turns out I'm actually: "Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

Capt'n Midnight · 21-09-2016 01:09AM

My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.

Some say he's the most evil scientist who ever lived.

Esel · 21-09-2016 02:54AM

This guy used to post jokes with embedded carriage returns, but he
used to just copy and paste them
willy-nilly. So
the punchline got lost in the
middle of the joke/
road. So, after the doctor told him
that, he went to the tailor to buy a new suit. The
tailor asked him which side he dressed. He
asked why that mattered. The tailor said if you dress the wrong
side, you get a terrible pain up here, and then down
there.

Unless it was a timed pause in which
case, touché. O
K? Comic timing...

You had to be there, at
the time.

Chris Martin · 21-09-2016 05:08PM

How do you make an octopus laugh?
Give him ten tickles.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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