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How long does the anger last

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  • Registered Users Posts: 224 ✭✭SunnySundays


    Yes, it's abit of success to agree to couples counselling & I can't see how anything can be resolved without it.

    That said, counselling will only help if you are both open and honest.

    Be prepared to compromise if needed but not to self sacrifice just to maintain the relationship on her terms.

    Before counselling, think about what you want and need, where your boundaries are and what you need rather than just accommodating her as you have done in the past.

    Even if you decide to seperate, hopefully the counselling will help you figure out a way to do it as amicably as possible.

    You also have to consider what's best for your kids and it isn't always for you to stay together as many people who grew up with parents who stayed together for no other reason will attest to.



  • Registered Users Posts: 13,678 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    No, it's the absolute bare minimum she owes you. Success or otherwise will be determined by the outcome of the counselling process.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I can guarantee you if the shoe was on the other foot, the GF would have not been so understanding as OP...

    Girls always seem to think "oh it's emotional, nothing physical happened, soz" and it's batted off .... try do that to a girl, I guarantee you wouldn't still be running and still in a relationship...

    "I kept running for my mental health, and I really like the crew I run with" .... proceeds to run with one guy

    OP is being gaslit, no matter what way you try to pitch it....



  • Administrators Posts: 14,001 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Be clear with what you want from this. Because I think right now, because you've told her you've had enough, she's on damage limitation. She doesn't want her marriage to end, because she doesn't want people to know that it's because of her actions. So, I think, right now she is willing to tell you anything you want to hear.

    Maybe, just maybe this is the kick in the arse she needs to realise what she is risking. Your marriage might survive this and be all the better for it. Or it might end and you both go your separate ways. Whatever happens it can't be any worse than another 10 years of her making you feel like this.

    Be clear on what you want, and what you expect. She can either agree or walk away.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    It's also very hard to prove and is probably one of the biggest mindfucks you will go through while being gaslit numerous times while everything is being perceived as being OK



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  • Best of luck with the counselling OP. You are a faithful person, you are still in love with your wife, you put in the effort, you deserve to get yourself peace of mind. The counselling will allow some forward direction, wherever that takes you.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    If she is still running with "the group" while you're going to go to counselling, I wouldn't even bother tbh...

    She went beyond a red line with someone and is happy to keep them around while you two "fix" things....

    admitting to an emotional affair is usually a half arsed admission of a full affair.... guilty conscience cleared through admission of something to the other person



  • Registered Users Posts: 6,888 ✭✭✭amacca


    Thats kind of what I was getting at.......I realise things can develop from friendship and that this may not simply just be friendship. But what exactly made what the wife did any kind of affair?


    Now having said all that I'm not the best person to be giving relationship advice in fairness and most seem to be saying wife in the wrong. Id just like to know what she did as she hasnt slept with the other guy so what has she done thats pushing in that direction.....then again running alone with the guy after saying going running with group.....



  • Registered Users Posts: 16,619 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    That all depends on why she agreed to counselling in the first place.

    It may be the case that your conversation (if you said something about her moving out, or otherwise shocked her) has made her get defensive and now she'll agree to whatever she needs to, in order to galm you down.

    Without her genuinely acknowledging that her behaviour has been poor, and genuinely wanting to repair the relationship, you're not really making progress.

    How you determine whether she is genuine, or it's just lip service, I don't know.



  • Registered Users Posts: 24,223 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    It'll largely depend on the counsellor you see tbh. I wouldn't expect your other half to keep attending sessions with a good one as they'll expect her to confront her poor behaviour, own it, apologise for it and work to make it up to you rather than lie to you and try to make you feel guilty for catching her.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,568 ✭✭✭dubrov


    Easy to say but the OP won't thank you if the courts side with his wife and he's living in a bedsit seeing his kids once every other weekend



  • Moderators, Politics Moderators Posts: 39,676 Mod ✭✭✭✭Seth Brundle


    Well done on getting things out in the open (or starting to).

    I'm not looking for an answer but has she made any commitment to you about not going running with this other man (which would probably mean changing running group)?



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