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How long does the anger last



  • She seems to me to be a very cold sort of a person, without much enduring love in her heart for anyone. She probably doesn’t even “love” the other man, but is currently “excited” by him, and would leave him too if another novelty came her way if she became bored. It’s not that he has something “better” to offer than you.

    Some people transpire to be so self-interested, lacking in empathy and basic respect, and not capable of offering enduring love. Nothing at all you did wrong. I have heard cases of partners leading almost double lives, eg taking long term contraception without knowledge of their partner, having a long-term affair “almost” in plain sight where the other was unquestionably trusting, undergoing medical tests overseas, eg, on pretence of visiting family. Some would stay in the pretence of relationship maybe for purely financial or convenience reasons, that it currently suits their purpose.

    At least when there are children involved and it is for their sake, there is some sense of commonality and purpose remaining and a lovely legacy of your relationship.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,939 ✭✭✭maxwell smart

    Thanks for all the replies and thoughts. I value them all. Even those very critical of my stance/approach.

    All your views are being taken on good faith. And I don't want anyone to feel like I'd like them to stop offering advice.

    I'm starting to get some inner strength from you all. Maybe I am being taken for a ride. Maybe she is genuine in her thinking that it's my fault. It's hard to take responsibility sometimes and she was never good at that.

    This will annoy some of you, but I know that if we kissed all our problems would melt away.

    Maybe that's my way of fooling myself.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    It would be hard to be alone. Lonely. Uncomfortable. Unloved. Outcast. You are right about measuring that up.

    You may be right from your own point of view to choose this relationship, however difficult, over the prospect of loneliness and feeling cast out.

    But you may also have to accept that unless your partner changes, there is a price you have to pay not to be alone.

  • Registered Users Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭Pussyhands

    OP, do you have such little respect for yourself that your wife will be shagging another man while she comes back the next night and sleeps beside you in your bed?

    Because even if she isn't bedding anyone else at the moment, she will eventually.

  • Registered Users Posts: 12,078 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997

    Not so much critical. But just pointing out that you can't create a healthy relationship by being the only one who compromises.

    You can suck it up, and keep a relationship going. But you'll not simply be pushing the issue down the road. I think it will be more destructive in the long run.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 13,686 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard

    Sorry, OP, but that "If we kissed" stuff is utter Disney nonsense. Your marriage has been on the verge for at least a decade by the sounds of things

    Go to counselling. I get that you want to save this. I really do. But you don't have the tools and I'm not sure your wife has the inclination to do it without professional help. You (plural) should have done it years ago, tbh.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,939 ✭✭✭maxwell smart

    I fully appreciate what you are saying.

    Maybe I don't have the tools or skill set to sort this out, and maybe she doesn't have the inclination.

    But I need to try for the kids. I can take the pain if they are OK

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,310 ✭✭✭Jequ0n

    But how are you trying to fix this? You aren’t addressing the root cause and this will re-emerge until you work on it with an impartial third party (councillor).

    Currently you are just brushing things under the carpet

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,045 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    You're not listening.

    You've spent 10 years trying to brush all this under the carpet hand it hasn't worked. Instead, your wife has had another affair and you are left following her to car parks and spying on her. Now she is seething with you and you are wondering how long her anger will last.

    You have two choices here, brush it all under the carpet or address it. You've tried the first one and you've been given a suggestion on how to move on in a healthy way. I would suggest counselling by yourself first because you will only waste time trying to broach the subject with your wife about going together.

    What you do with the advice is of course up to you, but if you're so intent on fixing things then actually fix them.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,514 ✭✭✭MoonUnit75

    Well when she said it started with enjoying the attention and then it 'got out of hand' I think there's a good bit more to it than winky smilies.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    We don't know this, not really. We're seeing this through the OP's filter when he is in a very emotional state. It could be fairly innocuous, such, 'you were a great kisser back in the day'. That could be tough on the OP and he may have challenged her with it getting out of hand, and she agreeing.

    Maybe the OP has since clarified, will give a read.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    Having fully read the thread it seems like you are okay with a marriage of convenience, if things could just stay the way they are you can live with it. The law of entropy dictates otherwise.

    In a way, your biggest mistake was confronting her, as this has sped up the demise of the 'marriage'. If you've got to the point of grinning and bearing it, let her have the affair. You are not sleeping with her, your sleeping in the same room is being tolerated for now.

    Marriage counselling can work even with a deep cut, it cannot reattach a severed limb.

    IF there is a spare room move into it.

    BTW, if you think a kiss will save it, kiss her. If she refuses that you only have a marriage in name only, tell her to enjoy herself with her running mate, just continue to lie about it just being an emotional affair. You might get another year of two before even the marriage of convenience ends.

  • Registered Users Posts: 925 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    I don't really buy the "for the kids" argument as some sort of noble stance. It's probably a selfish one in reality. Obviously a separation would cause about a year of extreme turbulence in their lives but a bad year is preferable to a whole childhood living in a toxic home. And don't think kids aren't intuitive to these things.

    You also have to consider what sort of role model you want them to see you as. Daddy chasing cheating mammy around car parks then apologising for her affairs isn't exactly the best look for someone. You'll never have good mental health in this relationship. Trust is obviously long eroded and can't be rebuilt (not that it sounds like she even wants to attempt to).

    The best thing you can do for your kids is to try find self worth and happiness outside this relationship and possibly find a new one that displays healthier mutual respect. And stop being a bloody walkover.

  • Registered Users Posts: 681 ✭✭✭Housefree

    Tell me this have you told any of your family about what has happened? If not why? And if you did, what advice had they for you?

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,939 ✭✭✭maxwell smart

    Some good questions there from you all.

    Have I told anyone? One close friend as a sounding board.

    Am I happy with a marriage of convenience, no.

    Have I been fooling myself? More than likely.

    I've taken lots of the advice on board and have decided I'm going to tell her she has to move out.

    As an interesting aside the 'running buddy' is 'happily married'. I've got images of all their messages. I'm having a crisis of conscious as it were around telling his wife.

    Anyway I'll park that for now.

    In the morning, it's the moving out discussion as we both work from home on a Monday and the kids will be in school.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,310 ✭✭✭Jequ0n

    The other man is not your problem, so stay out of it but keep the messages. For now your problem is with your wife and nobody else.

    Seems strange that you went from denial to “move out” confrontation without transition tbh. I have seen this before and it might not work in reality, even though it seems clear cut in your mind now.

    Think about how you do this as she can easily turn this around on you as having kicked her out and yadda yadda. Best of luck

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,939 ✭✭✭maxwell smart

    Maybe I've been transitioning subconsciously.

    Maybe I've had enough.

    Maybe my heart can't take any more.

    Maybe I've finally woken up.

    Maybe I'll crack and fail

  • Best of luck OP, I don’t think either of ye will get any work done tomorrow tbh. Get some food on board before you start.

  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]

    It's very hard OP to see things objectively when you are in the middle of an emotional situation.

    Everyone wants to believe that their situation is different, their other half is not like other people believe.

    Eventually you will come to understand that your other half is exactly how others see her. It's going to be heartbreaking, but you need to stand up for yourself and look after you and your kids.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,939 ✭✭✭maxwell smart

    Thanks for the kind thoughts and (I'm going to assume) positive words.

    I'm fed up being a car crash. It's time for me to be the person I can be. I need to channel that person I am in work into my personal life.

    Someone said think of the kids. Maybe that was the wake up call I needed.

    There will be no work done tomorrow. But it will hw the first step on a long road of very hard choices.

    I want to thank you all for your words and advice. Especially those of you who were brutally honest with me. Maybe I needed that metaphorical slap in the face.

    For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself.

    As they might say in some movie

    'It's time to go to work'.

    Be kind

  • Administrators Posts: 14,008 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    I get the impression that you are going to hit her with this tomorrow in a bid to maybe frighten her into copping on. To make her realise what she is risking.

    It might work, or it might not. You need to have a plan for what's the next step if A: She refuses to leave, which is almost guaranteed or B: She begs and pleads and promises that things will be different.

    Either way, I don't think the conversation tomorrow is going to go a straight easy route. But you have now made some decisions. It's a good step. I hope you're OK.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭Zak Flaps

    I'm on your side OP, I really am. I hope it works out OK for you.

    I agree with almost all of the posters here. She has no right to be angry with you. It's the other way round and she has somehow managed to make you believe that it's your fault. I think you need to be strong and stand up to her. She was in the wrong, not you.

    I think counselling would be the best option. I don't think just the 2 of you discussing these events would be wise. I think she would come out on top as she seems to have in the past. A counsellor is needed.

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,621 ✭✭✭✭osarusan

    OP, I think it's very unlikely that this woman is going to just agree that she should pack her bags. It's much more likely that she either blows a gasket with you, or realises you have reached a limit and offers a load of apologies and promises to change/stop.

    So make sure you know what you want from this upcoming conversation. Do you truly want her to leave? Do you actually just want her to acknowledge how bad her behaviour has been? Or do you want her telling you how much she still loves you?

    Work out what you want the outcome to be, and be prepared to respond to various ways she might try to shift the focus of the conversation, various things she might bring up.

    Good luck.

    Post edited by osarusan on

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13

    Please don’t ‘stay for the sake of the children’. You’ll mess up their perception of relationships for their whole life, and make it hard for them to trust and form attachments. I do speak of experience of that. Please read the thread in this forum re a guy who feels that he should stay in a toxic relationship, because of a child. You will not only be doing the children no favours by staying, you will damage them, long term.

    If you have issues with that, please talk to a professional re the best outcome for your kids.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    I,m sorry but i would also be getting Paternity tests done. I would not trust this wagon

  • Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭Stiro05

    Hi op, I was in a very similar situation. I caught my wife having an emotional affair with an old school friend. Everytime I found some evidence , she would deny it and make some wild cover up to make me think I'm loosing my mind. The more I found out about the relationship the more she would make out I'm wrong and it's over because I'm snooping in to her private life blah blah. After 18 months of doing the same thing, finding myself apologizing for confronting etc. , I finally cracked and pull the plug on the marriage. I endured 18 months of torture to try and keep out family together and to keep my kids happy. I'm now happily remarried and if I could rewind the clock back to the first time I confronted my ex wife, I would have walked then not 18months later. It's not worth damaging your mental health, it will send you round the twist thinking about it all the time and you won't be able to fully trust your wife again. Kids are tougher than we think, it's better for them to have happy parents. Good luck and all I will say is seek legal advice and counselling.

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2

    Ultimatum time. Your boundaries have been violated and she knows it. She shuts this sh*t down with the man and you both go to couples counseling and practice extreme honesty or you should walk. You don't have a smoking gun, but there is at least a reasonable probability there has been a physical aspect to the affair, prepare yourself for that possibility.

    Don't put up with gaslighting, and don't be a doormat. Good luck.

  • Registered Users Posts: 24,227 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy

    It sounds like your biggest mistake in turning up to their running meeting was making your presence known too early tbh. Odds on if you'd waited another half an hour you'd have caught them in the act.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,939 ✭✭✭maxwell smart

    Hi All

    OP here. we had our discussion. I feel it was very open. The result is that we are going to go to couples counselling- next week and try to work it out or part amicably.

    I think that is a bit of a success?