How long does the anger last

16-09-2021 10:40pm

Is this the same guy she kissed in 2011, as per your old post?

Where she said she wanted out and hated you?

If so they've definitely done more than stretch, in a car park.

Shes taking you for a fool OP. And your an easy candidate! Step back and reassess from a distance without blaming yourself. Good luck.

16-09-2021 11:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901600#Comment_117901600

Fair bit of victim blaming going on in your posts tbf. His wife had the emotional affair and kept meeting up with the guy one on one.

OP, your wife's anger is a useful tool to make you feel bad about yourself and to unbalance you emotionally. it's manipulation, imo. Instead of your wife clearly being in the wrong, she's succeeded in muddying the waters to the point where you somehow feel you are to blame for things.

Tbh, I don't think an "emotional affair" is even the worst thing here, it's the lies after it and the way you are being emotionally manipulated, OP.

Still, only you know how things were in your marriage before all this.

I'd be getting counselling by yourself first, and ideally as a couple afterwards and probably proper legal advice too.

Bannasidhe · 17-09-2021 1:06am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901915#Comment_117901915

So by not saying the OP's partner (doesn't say his wife) is all at fault here and that they both are responsible for the breakdown in trust I'm victim blaming?

Bull.

I'm calling it like I see it and giving the OP my honest opinion - which is they need to talk honestly and stop blaming each other. Tell each other why they feel they way they do - if she needed emotional support that didn't happen in a vacuum, but neither does it mean it was his fault. It means for whatever reason she felt she couldn't get it from him - and only she knows what that reason is, it may not have anything to do with him as such. Is she normally emotionally distant when she's stressed?

He'll never know if she doesn't feel like she can talk to him. And right now it seems she doesn't want to talk to him.

And for his part - what was it that made him follow her? Why didn't he believe her when she said nothing was going on? His suspicions also didn't happen in a vacuum unless he is generally the jealous type. So what was different this time?

Hannibal_Smith · 17-09-2021 7:37am

She said she was bored and liked the attention and it all got out of hand.

.................

I've asked her if it is possible not to run with him but she has said her mental health needs this exercise and the gang she runs with are like family.

......

She persuaded me that this was OK and I said I was fine with it.

......

She says her hopes and dreams have been shattered as I had told her I was OK with this but had lied to her. She says she will never trust me again.

It sounds like you've 'moved on' on her terms. Every step of this part where you're both supposed to be working together to recover from her emotional affair has been done on her terms.

It's not unreasonable to ask her to run with others. They may be her family, but you didn't compromise that, she did. You still don't trust her because you haven't moved on because your wishes and wants have been suffocated and white washed over where you're left with her living her life exactly as she did before and you're left dealing with the impact.

I think it extremely unfair of her not to work with you and acknowledge your feelings in all of this. Being bored, needing to keep a head together, these were all things you needed too and you didn't have an emotional affair behind her back. And if you did, you can be sure she wouldn't be happy with you meeting up with the other person and lying about it!

You did not breach her trust. The trust she broke was never repaired. If she's not willing to face up to that then do you want to spend the next 24 years being made to feel bad for a situation you didn't create?

Either you work together, probably through counselling at this stage, to move passed the initial hurt, where your thoughts wishes and wants are listened to and not drowned out, or you split. From what you've posted, you're not to blame here.

TheadoreT · 17-09-2021 8:54am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901791#Comment_117901791

Sounds like she's been checked out of this for a long time OP. You seem to be the only one concerned about mending things when I don't think you've even allowed yourself to process the gravity of what she's been doing to you. You're blaming yourself for most things when she's the one in the wrong with zero concern for your mental health.

I'm not sure what the situation with kids/financials are but you really need to muster up the gumption to defend yourself as best as possible here as this woman will continue to try to walk all over you if you let her.

And never utter the word sorry to her again, leave with a tiny bit of dignity still intact.

Flinty997 · 17-09-2021 9:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901600#Comment_117901600

What agenda?

Being outraged because someone doesn't trust you, after you previously proved to be untrustworthy makes no sense.

Most likely the outrage and demanding trust is simply a means to facilitate more untrustworthy behavior.

I dunno how you build trust. But that isn't it.

osarusan · 17-09-2021 9:38am

Her turning it round on you and saying that she'll never trust you again is quite the feat. And worse, she has you apologising and trying to regain her trust.

She had her emotional affair with this guy, refused to stop meeting him, and lied to you about meeting him privately rather than in a group.

She doesn't appear to have any respect for you, and doesn't seem to care about being truthful with you at all. All along, she is getting away with as much as she can.

Until she is willing to admit that, you're going nowhere. Maybe counselling will help with that, but it'll only help if she actually wants to resolve things, which I'd have my doubts about.

The Raging Bile Duct · 17-09-2021 10:09am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901791#Comment_117901791

I just read the old thread. I hope I never spend my time trying to fool myself into thinking it's my fault when I've been repeatedly lied to and cheated on. Bloody hell... why would you let yourself be treated like dirt by someone like that? It's obvious they don't love you and they're never going to treat you with any respect if you have zero self respect for yourself.

ahnowbrowncow · 17-09-2021 10:11am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117902118#Comment_117902118

You're clearly extremely biased towards the female perspective, you're not even attempting to see it from his point of view.

He wasn't the one who had the emotional affair. You're even trying to validate the affair by saying her emotional needs weren't being met, which is a big conclusion to jump to, maybe she was just being selfish and wanted her cake and to eat it too. And if her emotional needs weren't being met, that was on her to communicate that. Instead, she chose to betray his trust and have an emotional affair.

Based on that, everyone, except you for some reason, can clearly see why he didn't trust her and went with his gut feeling to see if what she said about the running group was true or not. And his gut instinct was proven right, she lied to him to meet up with the person she had the emotional affair and broke his trust yet again.

You saying they're both responsible for the breakdown in trust is really disingenuous.

The Mighty Quinn · 17-09-2021 10:37am

I've nothing by way of advice to add here OP, just commenting to say that even though I don't know you, I feel very sad for you. It's a rotten situation, you've convinced yourself you must do better when your wife has shown you nothing but contempt and disrespect.

I hope you can learn to put yourself and your children first, you don't need this woman.

Rx713B · 17-09-2021 10:49am

Gaslighting OP - Get out of there as hard as it may be

Pussyhands · 17-09-2021 10:57am

This is, from just a far out viewpoint, a case of someone who doesn't have the balls to break up the relationship when they don't want to be in one anymore so they just treat the other person like **** to the point of them having to be the one to take the blame/action of breaking up.

Like a fella going out with a bird for a while but he doesn't want the hassle of breaking up so he stops brushing his teeth, texting, going out anymore to the point the other person breaks up with them.

She may well eventually regret her actions. I'm sure she loved the attention and something new during covid. Nothing physical may have happened but the other lad isn't texting for the fun of it! Before long they're in the car park and she's bent over the boot.

Pussyhands · 17-09-2021 10:58am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117900942#Comment_117900942

You'd be happy with your partner flirting with someone else via text?

JimmyVik · 17-09-2021 11:04am

If that was my other half I would never trust another word she ever said.

And I would expect the same from her if I were to do act like your other half has too.

17-09-2021 12:47pm

Looking at it all here, she definitely needs to be the partner to leave the home if it’s going to pan out like that. OP did nothing wrong except justifiably show where his boundary is.

Re definition of “emotional affair”, that’s simply chat intimacy. Whether or not bed intimacy has taken place has not yet been seen, but it would happen given the opportunity.

maxwell smart · 17-09-2021 11:02pm

OP here.

Something similar happened 10 odd years ago but we got through it and we were stronger than ever.

Let's assume I'm OK with making it work for many reasons, kids, finances etc.

Also I hear what everyone is saying about her twisting the blame on me, but let's also assume that is a byproduct of her not being able to take responsibility for her actions, rather than a directly decided upon course of action.

What I'm trying to figure out here is, how long is this piece of string she is hanging onto?

Her anger is palpable but it has subsided somewhat in the last two days.

We made some progress towards reconciliation. She doesn't want me to move out and we sleep in the same bed (with a cushion between us).

I'm trying to make it through here and very much appreciate the comments.

Even the ones saying I'm an idiot! Maybe I am. But there are other factors at play here which make walking away not an option.

Flinty997 · 17-09-2021 11:18pm

Same length as it was the last time and every other time. Only you know that.

treascon · 17-09-2021 11:44pm

Op you are kidding yourself. She’s going to keep doing it as long as you keep accepting it. Think about yourself and your kids. Good luck.

Jequ0n · 18-09-2021 3:48am

I mean this in the nicest possible way. There are people who want to be fooled, rather than accept reality because it seems easier to hang onto the construct they created.

You are one of them, and at worst your wife is someone of my cut who will make full use of your state.

You are, of course, free to disregard everything that people have advised. Even if you do this, and this eventually blows over again you are still left with a wife who is clearly bored and unhappy with her life, and who will continue to seek excitement elsewhere.

Don’t worry. Her anger will subside and only resurface when you need reconditioning again. If this is your idea of making it work then go for it.

Just to add: I don’t think it needs to be spelled out on that you are causing huge damage to your children. You know that yourself but you don’t care because you have convinced yourself that you are sacrificing everything for them to keep them happy.

Rest assured that they realise more than you think, especially since you are both too focussed on yourselves to even consider the possibility that you are damaging them.

Hannibal_Smith · 18-09-2021 8:23am

So this emotional affair isn't the same one as 10 years ago, but a different one? So she's done this twice now.

You need to speak to someone. There maybe other factors at play, but at the core you are accepting a situation where someone has broken your trust twice and left you feeling like you're the one in the wrong and wondering when their anger will subside.

I would strongly suggest you speak to your GP and ask them to refer you to a counsellor.

In the meantime stop accepting the misguided guilt being pushed on you, whether that be about your marriage or your children. You need to speak to someone and get help unravelling the mess.

TheadoreT · 18-09-2021 8:51am

The only reconciliation for her is to get you off her case so she can continue to have her cake and eat it like she has done the last decade or so. She's choosing to do that via very obvious gaslighting. She almost has you at the point where you're trying to win her back after *her* affair.

If leaving isn't an option you need to start treating it like the marriage of convenience that she does. Tell her it's now officially an open relationship instead of her being the only one getting her jollies elsewhere.

Let go of any idea that she'll ever have any respect for you again, that ship has long sailed. And don't see that as a failing on your behalf, its a criticism of her.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-09-2021 10:32am

Why would you need to be the one to move out?

She is not happy in her marriage. That's obvious. If she was happy she wouldn't be seeking attention elsewhere and you wouldn't be sleeping with a cushion between you.

I think you need to attend counselling. It doesn't mean you have to end your marriage, or kick her out, or anything. But it will help you work through and realise what is actually going on.

It is possible that your marriage can once again be happy. But only if you both want it. For now it sounds like you are both continuing with it because it's easier than ending it. I'm sure there are thousands on couples in similar circumstances.

It's worrying that you are focused on her. On her anger. On her reaction. On the length of her string. Believe me, her string is infinite. For as long as you are at home and playing at happy families for the benefit of outsiders, she can have the best of both worlds with having flirts and relationships outside of that. Knowing you'll just keep quiet. Why would she want to end that?

The only way it'll end is if some fella actually agrees to be in a proper relationship with her and then she'll leave you for him. Maybe even bringing your children with her.

blackcard · 18-09-2021 10:41am

Her hopes and dreams have been shattered? Her hopes and dreams of meeting up with this bloke? And she blames you! Seriously, you need to dump her asap

18-09-2021 10:50am

Emotional affair? Are we talking naked selfies, sexually charged exchanges?

Unless it was explicit your wife has a reason to be very annoyed. If it was explicit then you have reason to be angry.

Either way a lot of repair is required if possible.

Bannasidhe · 18-09-2021 10:51am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117906477#Comment_117906477

OP, I certainly don't think you are a fool. I think you are hurt and worried about your family.

I think you and your partner have ended up in a unhappy untrusting place and you genuinely want to work your way out. Whether or not she does remains to be seen.

I have been accused of being biased towards the female perspective, yet what I am reading in many comments is a litany of judgements about how she is 100% awful and you need to run. If you don't you are apparently a doormat. The male bias is everywhere - but none of that will help you if you want to talk to your female partner.

No-one seem to be listening to you say you don't wish to get out. You wish to work it out.

If you do want to work it out you need to talk to her. And she needs to talk to you.

You may decide it's not going to work out, but at least you will know you tried. I don't think a host of posters telling you the woman you love is a gaslighting etc etc is conducive to that.

Ignore them, sit down and have an honest adult conversation with your partner 0f 24 years. If you want her to be honest with you, you need to be honest with her. Try to not get angry, expect the same from her. It won't be easy, it will be bloody hard, and painful. But at least it will be a start toward whatever will come of it. Right now you are all stuck in a really horrible place, children too.

TheadoreT · 18-09-2021 11:31am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117907298#Comment_117907298

Some terrible takes in here. The fact he loves her is making him somewhat blind to the realities of how she's treating him. And it is the dictionary definition of gaslighting, to dispute that is coming from a very warped perspective.

That's not to say how she ended up getting to a place of such apathy for the relationship may have been a lot of OP's doing, we don't know her side of this, but her behaviour towards him since is despicable and the clear lack of respect displayed doesn't come back. Any sort of attempt at resolution on his part is futile here and will only end up back at the status quo of her doing what she wants and him being a justifiably anxious/suspicious mess.

OP needs to be made fully cognicant of the realities here(as hard as it is to accept), not given hope where its clear there is none.

Bannasidhe · 18-09-2021 11:53am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117907428#Comment_117907428

And I could equally say that there are some very warped views about the OP's partner being expressed here based on just a couple of posts but I don't actually care if the jump to cry dump her brigade condemn me for not sharpening a pitchfork and instead giving the OP my - female perspective - on what he should do if he wants to work things out. And he says he wants to work things out. Several times. Clearly.

Seems like many a poster here just don't want him to work it out and think he should head for the hills - or sling her out and let her head for the hills - while not listening to him when he says there are reasons he feels that is not possible - including their children. How is all the condemnation helping the OP in this situation exactly?

He has been clear that separation is not what he wants - and hearing posters shouting dump her over and over in response.

Maybe they will separate. They could very well be the best solution. If they do I hope for their children it is civilised. Not filled with on-going recriminations and accusations of gaslighting etc so not only are their children's lives disrupted, they also have to listen to their parent's continue to fight it out.

If the OP has an issue with my advice I will take that on board and bow out. Until such time I will continue to not wave a pitchfork in anyone's direction and give my honest opinion.

Jequ0n · 18-09-2021 12:21pm

@Bannasidhe To be honest I am not sure why you feel it necessary to shoehorn a gender debate into this thread.

Do you seriously think people would have responded differently if the OP was female? I very much doubt it.

I agree with you there always seem to be people who advise any OP to leave a relationship ASAP, which is not helpful.

In this case it’s pretty obvious that there appears to be a power imbalance of some sort in the relationship, which is complicated by communication issues.

It is certainly not helpful to make the OP question himself even more. If there is a history to the power imbalance both parties are used to their roles, and the outcome will reflect those.

Bannasidhe · 18-09-2021 1:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117907549#Comment_117907549

I don't see why anyone needs to discuss me tbh but yet here we are.

I didn't 'shoehorn gender' into the debate - I was accused by a poster of having an extremely biased female perspective - so that poster assumed I am female - I never stated my gender until after that. But I am apparently now the one who brought gender into it.

Another poster tells us that heterosexual females will always turn to other women for emotional support. Talk about shoehorning gender into it.

As I said - if the OP wants me to go away I will do so. He can PM me or say so here. I have zero issue with that.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-09-2021 1:49pm

All posters are reminded that Personal Issues is an advice forum. The OP has come asking for advice, and advice from all angles is welcome.

Posters are asked to not enter into argument or one-upmanship with each other. Focus on the OP when replying and let him take any advice that he feels appropriate to his situation and ignore advice that isn't.

How long does the anger last

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