How long does the anger last

maxwell smart

Hi There

Myself and my partner of 24 years have struggled through Covid. I discovered she started an emotional affair on via whatsapp with a friend she used to run with. Nothing physical happened, I'm sure of that. She said she was bored and liked the attention and it all got out of hand.

Now that the lockdown is ending she has started running again and in the group she runs with is this guy. I've asked her if it is possible not to run with him but she has said her mental health needs this exercise and the gang she runs with are like family.

We have had war the past few weeks but managed to resolve it (more or less). However she was to do a race this weekend and he was running with her. She persuaded me that this was OK and I said I was fine with it.

There was a plan to meet at the running club and go through the route (it's cross country). Anyway off she goes.

For some reason I didn't think things sounded right and went to the club after her. The only cars there were his and hers. They were in the carpark stretching and doing some sprints for the 15 mins I watched. Then, for some unknown reason, I decided to confront her about lying to me that it would be a big group.

Obviously that wasn't well received and we are now, in her words, over forever. I feel she has picked him over me in some strange way, even though, as I stood there watching, I realised there was nothing between them.

She says her hopes and dreams have been shattered as I had told her I was OK with this but had lied to her. She says she will never trust me again.

Now neither of us can concentrate on work, the kids (4 of them) or anything.

I desperately want to make this work but her anger is high. I can almost see it coming our of her when she speaks to me.

Any advice appreciated!!

DeepBlue

She says her hopes and dreams have been shattered as I had told her I was OK with this but had lied to her. She says she will never trust me again.

It does sound like she's gaslighting you. How did you lie to her? You said you'd be ok with a large group but it turns out it was a one-to-one. She clearly lied to you. How can you trust her? It would seem that she's using anger to deflect from her behaviour and not have to account for it.

maxwell smart

I hadn't thought of it like that...

Bannasidhe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117899289#Comment_117899289

I completely disagree.

She said running was important for her mental health having been asked to stop. She probably knew the OP would kick off about the race if he knew it was her and this guy - with whom nothing untoward has happened. Yet he decided to spy on his partner of 24 years - and even when he realised their was 'nothing between them' decided to confront her about her 'lies'. What about his stalking? His lack of trust? His spying?

I'd be bloody furious too.

Truth is the OP doesn't trust his partner, spied on her and even after admitting he knows there is nothing between her and thos guy decided to have a go. He could have gone home. He could have admitted he was wrong, But no -he called her a liar.

Someone is gaslighting and it's ain't the OP's partner.

maxwell smart

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117899560#Comment_117899560

I'm on here to see where do I go now. I'm not blameless at all, gaslighting I don't think I'm guilty of that though.

I've apologised and admitted I was wrong and shouldn't have done what I did. I've admitted that there was a definite lack of full trust on my behalf. I'm not here trying to say I was right or wrong.

What are the steps I need to take now.

Locker10a

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117899560#Comment_117899560

She had an emotional affair with this guy and now goes running with him, alone. And tells her partner she’s going on a group run. She’s telling lies, all the time. This is probably the tip of the ice berg. she’s angry she was caught, because she knows she’ll look bad. The OP followed his instincts and to a degree they were spot on.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117899560#Comment_117899560

Well she did have an emotional affair with this man, as admitted by her. Personally I would find that extremely hurtful, much more than a drunken one off.

he asked her not to run with him. She wasn't willing to give him up. She didn't have to give up running, not at all.

She then tells him, her hopes and dreams are shattered! Even though she blatantly lied to him and was then caught out?

Sorry, I know he followed her, but his gut was right.

OP, I really don't know what you should do, but stop apologising anyway, in my mind, she needs to be the one now apologising.

Seth Brundle

Out of curiosity, how did you discover that she was emotionally chatting with a man on WhatsApp? Did she tell you or were you already suspicious and checked her phone?

Regardless, she did lie to you about who she was heading out with. That and her emotional affair are sufficient reasons for your trust in her to be dented.

Her swift claim that after 24 years, tour relationship is over sounds like this was possibly something already on her mind and you gave her the excuse.

Does she want to continue the relationship? Is she even willing to discuss everything that has happened openly?

I'm not sure what you did wrong here, other than cause her some embarrassment. She's the one who's been having an emotional affair and then lying about seeing him again.

It sounds like you guys need some professional help if you're going to get through this.

maxwell smart

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117900027#Comment_117900027

She left her WhatsApp client open on her laptop and I was using it to book something.

I want to make it work. I feel she does too, but I need to get her to trust me again. And for me to trust her too.

I feel that a certain consistency in my actions and words might be the way to go? I'm not expecting this to be sorted out in a week to be clear.

The Raging Bile Duct

Wait a minute, she admitted to having an emotional affair, lied about running in a big group and was actually only running with the fella she was having the emotional affair and then she says your relationship is over when you confront her and somehow it's your fault? Come on...

It looks like she's using your confrontation as an excuse to get out of the relationship. She really can't take the high road about being trusted when she was blatantly lying to you.

feelings

^^ this. While you might not have handled the situation as best you should, your partner is using the confrontation as a means to blame you. Sounds like she has or is in the process of checking out on our relationship. Sounds like she isn't telling the truth to be honest. She's not being honest with herself...

Be very careful OP. I suggest you get yourself to counselling and ask your partner would she attend couple counselling.

NSAman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117900059#Comment_117900059

Are you serious?

You want HER to get to trust YOU again? She is the one who has been making up stories. She is the one who has lied and you want her to trust you again?

Forgive me for saying this, she is the one who needs to build up your trust. NEVER let someone walk all over you. You didn't break this trust, she did.

If she wants out let her go!

Do NOT pander to her. I have seen it far too often when people are in relationships where one side normally just accepts bad behaviour and the other side abuses that. You have to admit that she has behaved badly. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. The fact she already has an emotional attachment to this other chap, she was also willing to lie to you about training in a group... forgive me... but she needs to show you that you can trust her again.

Tell me how

Is the term 'emotional affair' not somewhat subjective? Is one person emotional affair not another persons close friendship? The 1-1 running doesn't look great but again doesn't imply cheating in and of itself in my view.

Think I agree with the person above who said you guys need help. If she is willing to throw away 24 years and a family environment including 4 kids over this without trying to work through then it is likely there is more going on and she is using you confronting her as the excuse by which to do it.

You asked for help, I would suggest you ask her to attend marriage counselling within which ye explore all of the above. If she doesn;t want to engage, it isn't just because of you being suspicious and following her.

Jaysus, some people have weird ideas about the level of ''trust'' people who lie are entitled to. It's pretty damn natural, I reckon, to be heavily suspicious after a betrayal, even to go to the place where the ''race'' was on - to call that spying or stalking or not trusting someone is odd. Nobody wants to made a tit out of, especially after 24 years of giving fidelity and commitment. You were on the ball trusting your gut and finding out what was going on.

But anyways, OP, it sounds like she wants an out. She is making a big drama about it being your fault, because she does not want to own up to being a wagon. The very least one can do regarding a partner is be honest before doing the dirt.

As painful as it might be to go through this break up I reckon it would be far more painful to stay. Especially with someone who tries to make you doubt your sanity. Rip the plaster off fast.

km991148

I think the only way out of this is professional counselling, assuming both parties want to repair this relationship.

There are many wrongs here, snooping on WA, the seeking closeness outside of the relationship etc and these are no doubt just symptoms of something deeper.

If both parties do not want to continue then I hope you can resolve things as amicably as possible for the sake of the kids. If therapy is an option for yourself then it might be worth a shout.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117900185#Comment_117900185

I’m sure if she, a heterosexual woman, wanted a close friendship without the sexual-emotional factor, she would have connected in friendship with one of the ladies who were running. To me it looks like that guy and herself found some mutual attraction beyond “girl-girl”companionship, and she’s trying to deny it, maybe even to herself.

Doesn’t at all mean that your very long relationship cannot be repaired, but like you said, OP, it won’t happen overnight. She allowed herself, likely unwittingly, to be attracted to this guy. It’s never really intentional to begin with, is it, but the denial and cover up can become so. She has little rational justification to be angry with you for acting on very well-based suspicions, but to me it looks like she’s not surprisingly annoyed at being caught out at this point.

Never mind you spoke your mind, she should also respect that you care about your enduring relationship. She could have been “keeping her options open”’, eg seeing how feel she really feels about this guy, who has brought a bit of (maybe temporary) novelty, compared with the lasting relationship she has had with you and maybe she’s even preparing to not pursue it, but has been “found out” and pride has been hurt.

Don’t make the mistake of pushing her towards him, in case that is what she might not have been planning to do. It’s extremely normal for you to be angry, hard not to be unless you were a robot, but if you could find a way of letting both herself and yourself cool down, she may sort her own mind out about how she feels about this and be better prepared to talk and discuss it in several weeks time. It’s a matter of letting the dust settle and allowing some calm into the household as best you can.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117899560#Comment_117899560

dunno about that, if she implied there was a group and she was meeting the guy alone it's a problem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058209094/how-long-does-the-anger-last

She did well to turn this around like you have done something wrong. I feel bad for you

maxwell smart

Nobody knows what goes on behind another families door and nothing is perfect.

I want our marriage to work and I believe she does too, once the anger fades. Anger at me or anger at getting caught, whichever it is.

My question is, and let's assume she wants it to work.

What is my strategy here.

Back off, let everything cool down? Couple of weeks? I'm impulse so that will be difficult but not impossible.

Housefree

Dude have some self-respect, she has 100% slept with this guy multiple times. Using manipulating techniques to make you question yourself. She has obviously gaslighted you. She has no respect for you, and how pathetic you will seem trying to make it work. You are walked on like a doormat. She is a liar & a cheater. If you don't respect yourself, don't expect her to!

The anger never goes, it's always gonna be in the background (thats your anger) shes not angry with you because she has no respect for you, shes gaslighting!

ElizaBennett

From my reading, the OP watched from afar but only for 15 minutes while they stretched and did sprints. Presumably he left then and who knows what might have happened later in the encounter between the two?

Anyway, it really doesn't matter that you didn't catch them red handed as such, it proves nothing. Speaking as a person who has had an emotional affair in the past, that also involved running and exercise classes etc, I can tell you that even though nothing physical ever happened it doesn't mean I wasn't obsessively thinking about it and wishing it would. That went on at least two years. So just because you didn't see them going at it doesn't mean it's over or that they weren't both fantasising about it.. or planning it. Sorry...

Some people don't do fading anger. Or it can fade and respark in a second. Whole cultures, wars, dynasties have been based around unrelenting anger. You know her best. After 24 years do you not know how long her anger lasts? Maybe you should ask why you have to endure her anger, especially as it has no real justification? I mean ffs she is the one meeting up with the chap with whom she was exchanging sexy messages.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117900448#Comment_117900448

If this was a film I'd say go take some time apart and come back to it when everything has cooled down. However this is real life and you have 4 kids and presumably a job so its probably not so easy to make that happen. I wish you luck with what ever route you take

Seth Brundle

What is my strategy here.

Back off, let everything cool down? Couple of weeks? I'm impulse so that will be difficult but not impossible.

My own belief is that you two need to discuss what has happened.

You can't force her into wanting to talk and she may not know what she wants herself.

However, you have kids and you are living together and after 24 years together, surely it is all worth fighting for (fighting isn't the correct word but you know what I mean!)

I think the two of you talking over the kitchen table won't work. You need someone to referee the conversation and to make sure that neither her anger nor your impulsiveness makes the situation worse.

However, whilst she's needs to hear how recent events has made you feel, be prepared to hear why she has allowed this situation to develop. Have you neglected her, etc? Are there other issues between you both? As you said, you struggled through the lockdowns. You describe the last few weeks following finding out about the affair as "war". In what way was it war because a normal couple doesn't (or shouldn't!) war.

Flinty997

I think the main issue here is her not willing to give up all contact with this person. I would have some empathy with wanting to run with the same group. But thats been exposed as a smokescreen. For her to show good faith. Cutting contact would be a minimum for me. It would be a line in the sand. Running with the same group is incompatible with cutting contact.

Ok I get in anger people react irrationally. Her gaslighting the OP could be part of that. You could address that in counselling. But that combined with not willing to give up contact, changes the context for me. To make things work there would have to be compromise. I'm not seeing any sign of compromise. For me thats another showstopper.

I would be interested how a counsellor would approach this. Has counselling been suggested by either of you?

Jequ0n

I use gaslighting myself and can see why your wife would have resorted to this too in this situation, OP.

I don’t think you are overly familiar with the concept and would recommend reading up on it. The main idea is not make you question your perception, which then leads to you re-assessing the situation from the other perspective as the seed of doubt has started to attack your conscience.

Your wife already has you convinced that you are, at least partially, to blame for this recent event. Like most other posters I can’t see how you did anything wrong. If you took the time to sit down and think about it properly you’d reach the same conclusion as well.

Right now you are not allowing yourself to process anything as you are panicking about how to quickly fix this again. There is no need for quick actions. Let it sink in and take your time. Do NOT apologise again, and leave her uncertain while you are processing things for yourself.

Your reaction to try and fix this quickly, and to smooth things over is most likely part of your “role” in the relationship. It might be worth asking yourself if there are other situations in which you have quickly reacted to your detriment in order to restore order and peace.

If you realise that there is a patten here, and that you are the one who quickly placates, then expect her to crank things up a notch to get her way. I agree that talking to a friend or councillor could help you to establish boundaries that she is clearly trying to break down.

Keep in mind that this is often more clearly to see for “outsiders” than it you are directly involved, as your head is all over the place.

amacca

Excuse me I feel like the guy that doesn't know what a tracker mortgage is but wtf is an "emotional affair" ? Is there a definition out there?

And surely the main thing that would count would be an affair affair so to speak

Fwiw I think the OP is probably more sinned against than sinning here but sweet Jesus if emotional affairs are what I think they are I'm literally up to my neck in adulterers ...sorry emotional adulterers.

maxwell smart

An emotional affair is one where 2 people share intimate thoughts and words without it getting physical. It doesn't always get physical but can.

In some ways it's a bigger betrayal than a physical affair because it's not about the sex. It's something deeper

Bannasidhe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117899979#Comment_117899979

Talk to your partner.

Trust has broken down between the two of you.

Ask her why she felt she needed to look elsewhere for emotional support.

Ask her how she felt when you confronted her.

Ask yourself why you didn't go home when it was obvious nothing was going on.

Stop looking for validation here among strangers with their own agendas. And I include myself. I'm clear if she was me I would have gone ballistic at your spying.

Only you and your partner can decide if you have something worth saving. If you do, you both need to rebuild trust and that start with honest dialogue.

If you don't at least be civil about it. Your children don't deserve to be dragged into any drama.

Big Bag of Chips

It's OK to admit that you don't trust her fully. To be honest it'd be difficult to trust her so soon after. She betrayed your trust. She lied to you, and then lied to you again about who she was running with.

I'm sure if you had gotten close to a female friend she wouldn't be too keen on you spending time alone with her, especially if you had not been fully honest about what you were doing.

Personally, I would call her bluff. Stop apologising. Tell her you realise now that you don't trust her. (That's not your fault, by the way, these things take time - that's if trust ever comes back at all). If she insists your over, for good, tell her that's OK. But she's going to have to be the one to move out because you are not, as you have done nothing wrong.

She has to accept that her actions are originally what brought you to this place. Maybe you can work it out, if it's what you both want. But if she's throwing around that it's over for good, you need to think that maybe she doesn't want to work through this. Looking for a way out, and a way she can make it be your fault.

Is this the same guy she kissed in 2011, as per your old post?

Where she said she wanted out and hated you?

If so they've definitely done more than stretch, in a car park.

Shes taking you for a fool OP. And your an easy candidate! Step back and reassess from a distance without blaming yourself. Good luck.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901600#Comment_117901600

Fair bit of victim blaming going on in your posts tbf. His wife had the emotional affair and kept meeting up with the guy one on one.

OP, your wife's anger is a useful tool to make you feel bad about yourself and to unbalance you emotionally. it's manipulation, imo. Instead of your wife clearly being in the wrong, she's succeeded in muddying the waters to the point where you somehow feel you are to blame for things.

Tbh, I don't think an "emotional affair" is even the worst thing here, it's the lies after it and the way you are being emotionally manipulated, OP.

Still, only you know how things were in your marriage before all this.

I'd be getting counselling by yourself first, and ideally as a couple afterwards and probably proper legal advice too.

Bannasidhe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901915#Comment_117901915

So by not saying the OP's partner (doesn't say his wife) is all at fault here and that they both are responsible for the breakdown in trust I'm victim blaming?

Bull.

I'm calling it like I see it and giving the OP my honest opinion - which is they need to talk honestly and stop blaming each other. Tell each other why they feel they way they do - if she needed emotional support that didn't happen in a vacuum, but neither does it mean it was his fault. It means for whatever reason she felt she couldn't get it from him - and only she knows what that reason is, it may not have anything to do with him as such. Is she normally emotionally distant when she's stressed?

He'll never know if she doesn't feel like she can talk to him. And right now it seems she doesn't want to talk to him.

And for his part - what was it that made him follow her? Why didn't he believe her when she said nothing was going on? His suspicions also didn't happen in a vacuum unless he is generally the jealous type. So what was different this time?

Hannibal_Smith

She said she was bored and liked the attention and it all got out of hand.

.................

I've asked her if it is possible not to run with him but she has said her mental health needs this exercise and the gang she runs with are like family.

......

She persuaded me that this was OK and I said I was fine with it.

......

She says her hopes and dreams have been shattered as I had told her I was OK with this but had lied to her. She says she will never trust me again.

It sounds like you've 'moved on' on her terms. Every step of this part where you're both supposed to be working together to recover from her emotional affair has been done on her terms.

It's not unreasonable to ask her to run with others. They may be her family, but you didn't compromise that, she did. You still don't trust her because you haven't moved on because your wishes and wants have been suffocated and white washed over where you're left with her living her life exactly as she did before and you're left dealing with the impact.

I think it extremely unfair of her not to work with you and acknowledge your feelings in all of this. Being bored, needing to keep a head together, these were all things you needed too and you didn't have an emotional affair behind her back. And if you did, you can be sure she wouldn't be happy with you meeting up with the other person and lying about it!

You did not breach her trust. The trust she broke was never repaired. If she's not willing to face up to that then do you want to spend the next 24 years being made to feel bad for a situation you didn't create?

Either you work together, probably through counselling at this stage, to move passed the initial hurt, where your thoughts wishes and wants are listened to and not drowned out, or you split. From what you've posted, you're not to blame here.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901791#Comment_117901791

Sounds like she's been checked out of this for a long time OP. You seem to be the only one concerned about mending things when I don't think you've even allowed yourself to process the gravity of what she's been doing to you. You're blaming yourself for most things when she's the one in the wrong with zero concern for your mental health.

I'm not sure what the situation with kids/financials are but you really need to muster up the gumption to defend yourself as best as possible here as this woman will continue to try to walk all over you if you let her.

And never utter the word sorry to her again, leave with a tiny bit of dignity still intact.

Flinty997

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901600#Comment_117901600

What agenda?

Being outraged because someone doesn't trust you, after you previously proved to be untrustworthy makes no sense.

Most likely the outrage and demanding trust is simply a means to facilitate more untrustworthy behavior.

I dunno how you build trust. But that isn't it.

osarusan

Her turning it round on you and saying that she'll never trust you again is quite the feat. And worse, she has you apologising and trying to regain her trust.

She had her emotional affair with this guy, refused to stop meeting him, and lied to you about meeting him privately rather than in a group.

She doesn't appear to have any respect for you, and doesn't seem to care about being truthful with you at all. All along, she is getting away with as much as she can.

Until she is willing to admit that, you're going nowhere. Maybe counselling will help with that, but it'll only help if she actually wants to resolve things, which I'd have my doubts about.

The Raging Bile Duct

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117901791#Comment_117901791

I just read the old thread. I hope I never spend my time trying to fool myself into thinking it's my fault when I've been repeatedly lied to and cheated on. Bloody hell... why would you let yourself be treated like dirt by someone like that? It's obvious they don't love you and they're never going to treat you with any respect if you have zero self respect for yourself.

ahnowbrowncow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117902118#Comment_117902118

You're clearly extremely biased towards the female perspective, you're not even attempting to see it from his point of view.

He wasn't the one who had the emotional affair. You're even trying to validate the affair by saying her emotional needs weren't being met, which is a big conclusion to jump to, maybe she was just being selfish and wanted her cake and to eat it too. And if her emotional needs weren't being met, that was on her to communicate that. Instead, she chose to betray his trust and have an emotional affair.

Based on that, everyone, except you for some reason, can clearly see why he didn't trust her and went with his gut feeling to see if what she said about the running group was true or not. And his gut instinct was proven right, she lied to him to meet up with the person she had the emotional affair and broke his trust yet again.

You saying they're both responsible for the breakdown in trust is really disingenuous.

The Mighty Quinn

I've nothing by way of advice to add here OP, just commenting to say that even though I don't know you, I feel very sad for you. It's a rotten situation, you've convinced yourself you must do better when your wife has shown you nothing but contempt and disrespect.

I hope you can learn to put yourself and your children first, you don't need this woman.

Rx713B

Gaslighting OP - Get out of there as hard as it may be

Pussyhands

This is, from just a far out viewpoint, a case of someone who doesn't have the balls to break up the relationship when they don't want to be in one anymore so they just treat the other person like **** to the point of them having to be the one to take the blame/action of breaking up.

Like a fella going out with a bird for a while but he doesn't want the hassle of breaking up so he stops brushing his teeth, texting, going out anymore to the point the other person breaks up with them.

She may well eventually regret her actions. I'm sure she loved the attention and something new during covid. Nothing physical may have happened but the other lad isn't texting for the fun of it! Before long they're in the car park and she's bent over the boot.

Pussyhands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117900942#Comment_117900942

You'd be happy with your partner flirting with someone else via text?

JimmyVik

If that was my other half I would never trust another word she ever said.

And I would expect the same from her if I were to do act like your other half has too.

Looking at it all here, she definitely needs to be the partner to leave the home if it’s going to pan out like that. OP did nothing wrong except justifiably show where his boundary is.

Re definition of “emotional affair”, that’s simply chat intimacy. Whether or not bed intimacy has taken place has not yet been seen, but it would happen given the opportunity.

maxwell smart

OP here.

Something similar happened 10 odd years ago but we got through it and we were stronger than ever.

Let's assume I'm OK with making it work for many reasons, kids, finances etc.

Also I hear what everyone is saying about her twisting the blame on me, but let's also assume that is a byproduct of her not being able to take responsibility for her actions, rather than a directly decided upon course of action.

What I'm trying to figure out here is, how long is this piece of string she is hanging onto?

Her anger is palpable but it has subsided somewhat in the last two days.

We made some progress towards reconciliation. She doesn't want me to move out and we sleep in the same bed (with a cushion between us).

I'm trying to make it through here and very much appreciate the comments.

Even the ones saying I'm an idiot! Maybe I am. But there are other factors at play here which make walking away not an option.

Flinty997

Same length as it was the last time and every other time. Only you know that.

treascon

Op you are kidding yourself. She’s going to keep doing it as long as you keep accepting it. Think about yourself and your kids. Good luck.

Jequ0n

I mean this in the nicest possible way. There are people who want to be fooled, rather than accept reality because it seems easier to hang onto the construct they created.

You are one of them, and at worst your wife is someone of my cut who will make full use of your state.

You are, of course, free to disregard everything that people have advised. Even if you do this, and this eventually blows over again you are still left with a wife who is clearly bored and unhappy with her life, and who will continue to seek excitement elsewhere.

Don’t worry. Her anger will subside and only resurface when you need reconditioning again. If this is your idea of making it work then go for it.

Just to add: I don’t think it needs to be spelled out on that you are causing huge damage to your children. You know that yourself but you don’t care because you have convinced yourself that you are sacrificing everything for them to keep them happy.

Rest assured that they realise more than you think, especially since you are both too focussed on yourselves to even consider the possibility that you are damaging them.

Hannibal_Smith

So this emotional affair isn't the same one as 10 years ago, but a different one? So she's done this twice now.

You need to speak to someone. There maybe other factors at play, but at the core you are accepting a situation where someone has broken your trust twice and left you feeling like you're the one in the wrong and wondering when their anger will subside.

I would strongly suggest you speak to your GP and ask them to refer you to a counsellor.

In the meantime stop accepting the misguided guilt being pushed on you, whether that be about your marriage or your children. You need to speak to someone and get help unravelling the mess.