How to add spoiler tags, edit posts, add images etc. How to - a user's guide to the new version of Boards
Mods please check the Moderators Group for an important update on Mod tools. If you do not have access to the group, please PM Niamh. Thanks!

rejected for my financial situation



  • You know plenty of 29 year old singletons that are financially independent with their own property?

    That would be unusual but I'm not a doubting Thomas or anything.

    'Quite well off' is a moveable feast, but I'll be frank, 99 percent of 29 year olds I know are still very much 'work in progress' financially speaking.

  • Sounds like a gowl, dodged a bullet pal. Next fish!

  • Very much a two tier society out there, I was surprised to learn on a previous thread that a graduate position in software development starts at €65k.

    In my own profession anyone 7 years working out of college would be in a position to have a deposit yes. Naturally they'd have the mortgage against that so it wouldn't be a huge asset.

  • You're reaching the nub of the issue here when you use the word 'transactional'. I never used the word gold digger but transactional is precisely how I'd describe her approach.

    Financial abuse is a real thing and a very serious thing. I've seen people financially and spiritually brought to their knees by partners who behave in such a way.

    If someone is more concerned about the minutiae of personal financials early doors instead of getting to know you, I'd take that as a signal that something is off and trouble lies ahead.

    We (both male and female) are humans, not walking resources.

    I'd also submit that the replies in this thread would look a lot different if we did the old gender fliparoo and all other circumstances were the same otherwise. Run like hell would be the likely refrain (including me).

  • Advertisement

  • Maybe she's looking for somebody to spoil her rotten, in which case you dodged a bullet, or maybe she decided your attitude to spending and saving wasn't compatible with hers. As she just ghosted you maybe you'll never know.

  • There is a possibility she has everything squared away at a young age, but her asking a prospective partner if 'he could retire now if he wanted', I would strongly bet it against it being the case.

  • Dodged a massive bullet there ....

  • Advertisement

  • Dodged a bullet I would say, she sounds like the vacuous type who has dreams of everything being paid for her while she sits on her hole pretending to be an “influencer” on Snapchat or the likes. You are well rid.

  • Mod Note

    Folks, as per the Charter, please offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread. If you have no advice to offer the OP, please move on to another thread.



  • Being financially responsible is quite attractive to some women, and when they themselves are also financially responsible it's not "gold digging", its just looking for a partner with similar values. By 41 she probably expected you to have your **** together by now.

    I don't know if she was a gold digger and ghosting is immature alright but that's likely to happen to you when you date young women rather than women your own age.

  • First of all, OP, well done on turning the financial corner. For your own sake, and irrespective of your age, your past, and any relationships real or imaginary. Better late than never.

    And of course, your honesty to her about your situation. Always the right thing.

    To answer your first question - if she was right to ditch me ? Only she can answer that in this case, so it's ultimately irrelevant and don't waste another moment thinking about it.

    Did you dodge a bullet ? Almost certainly yes. If she were coming from a place of financial prudence, it's hard to believe that she could not have had a sensible approach to tackling that subject, instead of her clumsy inquisitiveness. If it feels like a red flag to you, then it likely is one. Being an idiot with money doesn't negate that instinct.

    Equally, if she were capable of a sensible approach to the subject of finance, it's likely she would have a sensible approach to breaking the relationship. But she has shown her true colours.

    If she were a mature person she wouldn't have acted the way she has, and you could entertain the idea of her 'security'. Better play safe, and assume 'meal ticket'.

    I actually read your OP, so I ignore any deranged nonsense about you being a 'fertility digger', and think you should do the same.

    You dodged a bullet.

  • This feels like a chastisement. 'The vast majority would prefer to date a man their own age'. LOL . I'm not trying to date the vast majority. A lot of people not only you Mark have used this thread as an opportunity to covertly show there distain for age gaps especially when the man is the older one . What would ye do if ye had the power , make it illegal ? Where would the cut off age be upper and lower ? And that bit about me being biologically less healthy because because I'm 12 years older as an excuse not to date younger women really is cringe worthy , come on man. We don't live in a perfect world , I have had 3 grand parents live to 90 but sure I could get knocked down crossing the road tomorrow . My uncle who is 75 now lost his wife 20 years ago to cancer , they had 3 children and she was 8 years younger than him. There are no guarantees in life

  • In fairness so was she. And it he was lucky she was.

  • Shame that relationship didn't work out. I presume both of you went on several dates together and that this didn't happen on the first date?

    I view that that line of questioning is very inappropriate so soon in a relationship. Ghosting you was a childish act especially as she is 29. However, who honestly hasn't done some daft things without considering the feelings of others. I know I have. I wouldn't dwell on her.

    What you should take from this is whether or not your financial situation is where it should be? I don't know how much it applies to you but a person who lacks financial common sense is a real turn off to most. Nobody wants to be weighed down or held back by a person who can't be arsed cutting their cloth to measure, and saving for their future. Especially if that person is in a position do so.

  • Advertisement

  • Some of the girls questions are a bit beyond the pale but they aren't unreasonable thoughts to have.

    If she is thinking of starting a family and/or buying a house in the very near future the OPs personal financial situation would be relevant.

    She could still have her communion money saved and want to retire at 40 and travel the world herself for all we know.

  • I think it's fair enough on her part. I mean she is taking on an older guy and for her the bonus was to be strong finances

  • Why is someone of OP's age dating a woman 12 years younger? He's far less likely to have things in common with her compared to a woman his own age, so what's the attraction? It's youth, beauty and fertility, of course. That's what she provides that a woman 40+ is less likely to provide, especially the fertility aspect. Now, what does he have to offer her in return that a man her age can't? Absolutely nothing. And he's surprised that she's lost interest? He seems a bit deluded regarding his 'status' on the dating scene compared to hers. A 29-year-old woman is absolutely inundated with attention from men from about 25 all the way up to past 40. Why go for a 40+ year old over someone your own age unless they have something more to offer?

    The talk of 'gold digger' is plain sexist. More likely she is well aware that an older partner comes with quite a few disadvantages and no real advantages. It's not being a gold digger to expect someone to bring to the table what you are bringing to the table in other ways. For example, if she wants to have children, she's going to be the one giving up her career to an extent, having to take maternity leave, having a lower earning potential. It is completely reasonable to expect a man who is 40+ and looking to have kids to be financially secure.

    I think people are overreacting with the 'ghosting' thing. She's probably turned off by an older man looking to date younger women and maybe being what she sees as immature regarding finances and lifestyle, and has moved onto one of the other many options she likely has. That doesn't make her a gold digger.

  • OP, I can relate so I know how sh!t it can make you feel. My case was a bit different, in that we had a child together and she left things in limbo for a couple of years until I finally asked her to make a decision as to what she wants - her response was that I don't make enough money for her, and that was that. The fact that I was growing my business and gave her every penny I could, supporting her through college and putting myself in financial jeopardy for her and our child's benefit didn't seem to matter. I didn't meet her standards of material wealth, and that was more important than the relationship and providing a happy life for our child without the hardship of them living between two houses, something they still struggle with.

    The thing is I have a very decent income now after a few years of hard work to get to my business to this point, and she is a qualified doctor. We could have had a very comfortable life together. But in retrospect I'm delighted she made the decision she did make, because it revealed how vacuous a person she is, and that there's no "through thick and thin" with someone like this. That living her best life takes precedence, and her decisions since have reinforced this at the expense of those around her. If I was making the money back then that I'm making now, I could have unwittingly gone down a long and miserable road and while everything on the surface may have seemed fine, there'd always be something missing.

    So as others have said, you have indeed dodged a bullet because people like this are always measuring, always calculating and always weighing up their options and choices, you're just an expendable facet in the life they're determined to have for themselves with or without you.

  • If she is thinking of starting a family in the near future, and is factoring in these kinds of calculations about a person she has had a couple of dates with, then the OP most certainly did dodge a bullet.

    If she is thinking of buying a house in the near future, the OP's financial situation is of no necessary relevance whatsoever. Who buys a house on the basis of the bank balance of someone they've dated a few times ?

  • Well OP, I hope you get some feedback out of this thread which is, as usual, derailed by some people interpreting any criticism as generalised sexism.

    I reckon it’s perfectly understandable that you are mulling over certain comments and questions after being ghosted, but I doubt this will give you any answers.

  • I didn't know you can fall in love with someone but easily forget about them due to something related to their life circumstance. Perhaps she falls in love ever weekend so can pick and choose.

  • At 29 she has come to the end of her party years and is looking for a mate to be a provider. Check out if you want to gain a good understanding of the intergender dynamics at play.

  • To the OP - firstly it's your money and you can do what you damn well like with it. You've a good job and you've managed to keep a roof over your head by the sounds of it. Not everyone is good with money. Some like to live in the now and enjoy their lives to the full, some prefer to be more cautious seeking financial stability and security and some flit from one to the other depending on their circumstances. None of these attitudes is wrong, assuming no major debts are being accrued of course!

    Her decision is her problem - at the end of the day she just wasn't the one. Simple as that.

    You'll probably find someone in a similar situation to yourself one day, fall head over heels and build something together from nothing.

    And if you don't find her, then at least building a little nest egg from now on should yield you a nice 41 year old when you are 53 if that's still your thing 😉

  • Advertisement

  • [quote]Why is someone of OP's age dating a woman 12 years younger?[/quote]

    Well, why is someone of the woman's age dating a man 12 years older, if you're so confident that he has 'absolutely nothing' to offer ?

    [quote]Now, what does he have to offer her in return that a man her age can't? Absolutely nothing. And he's surprised that she's lost interest? He seems a bit deluded regarding his 'status' on the dating scene compared to hers. A 29-year-old woman is absolutely inundated with attention from men from about 25 all the way up to past 40. Why go for a 40+ year old over someone your own age unless they have something more to offer?[/quote]

    This post above, which is quite insulting towards the OP, seems to be completely ignorant of at least some of the research -

    [quote]The research in this area shows that not only are younger women attracted to older men, but older men are attracted to younger women, a convenient situation for heterosexual couples’... This preference exists cross-culturally which suggests that it is nearly universal’. Professor Fugere points out that this phenomenon persists throughout our lives, as men age they prefer even younger partners while as women age they continue to prefer older partners until around the age of 70.

    In evolutionary terms... women consider the resources an older man might have ‘such as income’. ‘An older partner may be in a better position to provide stability, he may also be more mature which a woman might prefer’, she explains.[/quote]

    So hardly 'absolutely nothing', contrary to the ageist misandry of some people.

This discussion has been closed.