rejected for my financial situation

19-07-2021 11:57am

Some of the girls questions are a bit beyond the pale but they aren't unreasonable thoughts to have.

If she is thinking of starting a family and/or buying a house in the very near future the OPs personal financial situation would be relevant.

She could still have her communion money saved and want to retire at 40 and travel the world herself for all we know.

bilbot79 · 19-07-2021 11:59am

I think it's fair enough on her part. I mean she is taking on an older guy and for her the bonus was to be strong finances

lainey_d_123 · 19-07-2021 12:26pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117627021#Comment_117627021

Why is someone of OP's age dating a woman 12 years younger? He's far less likely to have things in common with her compared to a woman his own age, so what's the attraction? It's youth, beauty and fertility, of course. That's what she provides that a woman 40+ is less likely to provide, especially the fertility aspect. Now, what does he have to offer her in return that a man her age can't? Absolutely nothing. And he's surprised that she's lost interest? He seems a bit deluded regarding his 'status' on the dating scene compared to hers. A 29-year-old woman is absolutely inundated with attention from men from about 25 all the way up to past 40. Why go for a 40+ year old over someone your own age unless they have something more to offer?

The talk of 'gold digger' is plain sexist. More likely she is well aware that an older partner comes with quite a few disadvantages and no real advantages. It's not being a gold digger to expect someone to bring to the table what you are bringing to the table in other ways. For example, if she wants to have children, she's going to be the one giving up her career to an extent, having to take maternity leave, having a lower earning potential. It is completely reasonable to expect a man who is 40+ and looking to have kids to be financially secure.

I think people are overreacting with the 'ghosting' thing. She's probably turned off by an older man looking to date younger women and maybe being what she sees as immature regarding finances and lifestyle, and has moved onto one of the other many options she likely has. That doesn't make her a gold digger.

newboard · 19-07-2021 12:35pm

OP, I can relate so I know how sh!t it can make you feel. My case was a bit different, in that we had a child together and she left things in limbo for a couple of years until I finally asked her to make a decision as to what she wants - her response was that I don't make enough money for her, and that was that. The fact that I was growing my business and gave her every penny I could, supporting her through college and putting myself in financial jeopardy for her and our child's benefit didn't seem to matter. I didn't meet her standards of material wealth, and that was more important than the relationship and providing a happy life for our child without the hardship of them living between two houses, something they still struggle with.

The thing is I have a very decent income now after a few years of hard work to get to my business to this point, and she is a qualified doctor. We could have had a very comfortable life together. But in retrospect I'm delighted she made the decision she did make, because it revealed how vacuous a person she is, and that there's no "through thick and thin" with someone like this. That living her best life takes precedence, and her decisions since have reinforced this at the expense of those around her. If I was making the money back then that I'm making now, I could have unwittingly gone down a long and miserable road and while everything on the surface may have seemed fine, there'd always be something missing.

So as others have said, you have indeed dodged a bullet because people like this are always measuring, always calculating and always weighing up their options and choices, you're just an expendable facet in the life they're determined to have for themselves with or without you.

Frankie Machine · 19-07-2021 12:38pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117631536#Comment_117631536

If she is thinking of starting a family in the near future, and is factoring in these kinds of calculations about a person she has had a couple of dates with, then the OP most certainly did dodge a bullet.

If she is thinking of buying a house in the near future, the OP's financial situation is of no necessary relevance whatsoever. Who buys a house on the basis of the bank balance of someone they've dated a few times ?

Jequ0n · 19-07-2021 12:46pm

Well OP, I hope you get some feedback out of this thread which is, as usual, derailed by some people interpreting any criticism as generalised sexism.

I reckon it’s perfectly understandable that you are mulling over certain comments and questions after being ghosted, but I doubt this will give you any answers.

AllForIt · 19-07-2021 12:47pm

I didn't know you can fall in love with someone but easily forget about them due to something related to their life circumstance. Perhaps she falls in love ever weekend so can pick and choose.

Piollaire · 19-07-2021 12:53pm

At 29 she has come to the end of her party years and is looking for a mate to be a provider. Check out therationalmale.com if you want to gain a good understanding of the intergender dynamics at play.

Pwindedd · 19-07-2021 1:01pm

To the OP - firstly it's your money and you can do what you damn well like with it. You've a good job and you've managed to keep a roof over your head by the sounds of it. Not everyone is good with money. Some like to live in the now and enjoy their lives to the full, some prefer to be more cautious seeking financial stability and security and some flit from one to the other depending on their circumstances. None of these attitudes is wrong, assuming no major debts are being accrued of course!

Her decision is her problem - at the end of the day she just wasn't the one. Simple as that.

You'll probably find someone in a similar situation to yourself one day, fall head over heels and build something together from nothing.

And if you don't find her, then at least building a little nest egg from now on should yield you a nice 41 year old when you are 53 if that's still your thing 😉

Frankie Machine · 19-07-2021 1:14pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117631700#Comment_117631700

[quote]Why is someone of OP's age dating a woman 12 years younger?[/quote]

Well, why is someone of the woman's age dating a man 12 years older, if you're so confident that he has 'absolutely nothing' to offer ?

[quote]Now, what does he have to offer her in return that a man her age can't? Absolutely nothing. And he's surprised that she's lost interest? He seems a bit deluded regarding his 'status' on the dating scene compared to hers. A 29-year-old woman is absolutely inundated with attention from men from about 25 all the way up to past 40. Why go for a 40+ year old over someone your own age unless they have something more to offer?[/quote]

This post above, which is quite insulting towards the OP, seems to be completely ignorant of at least some of the research -

[quote]The research in this area shows that not only are younger women attracted to older men, but older men are attracted to younger women, a convenient situation for heterosexual couples’... This preference exists cross-culturally which suggests that it is nearly universal’. Professor Fugere points out that this phenomenon persists throughout our lives, as men age they prefer even younger partners while as women age they continue to prefer older partners until around the age of 70.

In evolutionary terms... women consider the resources an older man might have ‘such as income’. ‘An older partner may be in a better position to provide stability, he may also be more mature which a woman might prefer’, she explains.[/quote]

https://graziadaily.co.uk/relationships/dating/younger-women-older-men/

So hardly 'absolutely nothing', contrary to the ageist misandry of some people.

notAMember · 19-07-2021 2:41pm

The ghosting isn't good, but she might just be trying to avoid hurting your feelings and is ghosting instead of stringing you along. I don't think that's right, it's far more hurtful to be ghosted because you start doing this, trying to figure out yourself what went wrong and imagining every conversation you had to see where you went wrong. She should have been truthful with you, the same way your were honest with her.

The reality of an age gap is that the younger party is likely to have to support an older person later in life in a long term relationship. She probably was sussing out the status because it's a risk to her if you were going to take it further. Sounds like this woman was thinking along those lines from what you've said.

It's admirable you told her the truth, no-one's time was wasted here and that's positive at least.

seenitall · 19-07-2021 3:01pm

^ Again, the key word there being “resources”. Even some men on-thread agree with this take, are they all ageist misandrists? Gimme a break. It’s just nature asserting itself.

I’m a healthy, happy 40-something woman, who was hit on not that long ago by a 70 year old man. I can tell you there is no way for me to find him an attractive proposition, no more than would a 45 year old man do a 70 year old woman. Now, that might just change (in a flash!), if he were Sting (hitting 70 very soon, bless him!). I’m very sorry it’s unpalatable for you to think a younger woman with her pick of men will want to settle down with an older man for something other than his brilliant personality and mature manliness, but it is what it is. To state the facts of the matter is no misandry.

Yurt2 · 19-07-2021 3:32pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117631700#Comment_117631700

Men want to be viewed as a walking wallet about as much as women want to be viewed as a walking pair of t*ts.

Sh*tty men view women as above, and sh*tty women regard men as a meal ticket to the easy life.

I'm firm on this. Women can do it all in the economy and have whatever job they please, there's very little excuse for the old bourgeoise impulse to hunt down a man with a fat wallet and kick up the heels as you peck him on the cheek as he goes out to work in the morning.

Women who are resource hunters in the 21st century are icky. The OP in my estimation got lucky, she couldn't keep her crap impulses under control. The girl needs to grow up and earn her own coin.

19-07-2021 3:41pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117631772#Comment_117631772

She isn't going to go buy a house together after three dates but looking forward say three years, she might have made a quick decision on the likelihood of having a deposit saved together, potential of getting a mortgage, time to pay it off, how having a baby together might change that or whatever.

It's a bit mercenary but it doesn't mean she is a gold digger.

Ghosting isn't particularly nice but she has made her decision presumably.

MarkEadie · 19-07-2021 4:43pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117631976#Comment_117631976

But the OP has none of the things you're quoting. You are making the posters point with that quote lol

Frankie Machine · 19-07-2021 6:24pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117633337#Comment_117633337

The other poster made a general point around the age gap - Why is someone of OP's age dating a woman 12 years younger. That's not a specific reference to this case, and is just ageist judgementalism whether or not the OP is a prince or a pauper.

And the other poster made a general point around the idea that - talk of 'gold digger' is plain sexist - that's clearly broad indignation, and nothing specific to this case either.

Whereas there is research to explain that age gap dynamic that puzzles the other poster, and to also explain that contra the other poster's umbrage, talk of 'gold digger' is not plain sexist at all but is rather supported by evidence.

So now both of you are a little more informed than before and what harm is in that ?

You're welcome !

Frankie Machine · 19-07-2021 11:55pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117632757#Comment_117632757

No, they're not all ageist misandrists, and I for one never said they were.

But there is more than a hint of ageist misandry in one or two posts here. That is what I was addressing, and is very clearly the context in which I used those terms.

Just for clarification.

BrianD3 · 20-07-2021 11:59am

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117631700#Comment_117631700

So men in their 40s have little or nothing to offer apart from resources? Complete rubbish, if you were talking about men in their 70s you might have a point. A man in his 40s or 50s will often be more masculine looking and in better physical shape than he was in his 20s. Because it takes years of practice and training at martial arts and weight training to become any good at them. It can also take years for the bones of the face to develop a masculine look.

As well as looking better and being stronger, many middle aged men would destroy a younger man in a fight which is something that seems to excite plenty of women.

Add to that the confidence and not giving a fcuk that often comes with age.

Personally I have experienced FAR more flirting from twentysomething women at age 40+ than I ever did when I myself was in my twenties. Nothing to do with resources as it often happened when I was unshaven, sweaty and wearing a 5 euro T shirt i.e. definitely not advertising my resources

There is some truth to the the old cliché about men aging like wine and women aging like milk, This annoys a lot of women, in particular those of a certain age conscious of declining fertility. The result is sneering and deny deny deny which I expect will be the response to this post.

JimmyVik · 20-07-2021 12:09pm

It happens. Just move on.

Ive a friend who couldnt get a girlfriend to save his life for the last 20 years.

About 2 years ago he spent every last bean he had on a Porche.

Now he is shagging a different girl every week.

Its not his personality thats attracting them all of a sudden :)

Da_Timo · 20-07-2021 3:15pm

That last comment that mentioned “resource seekers”, nail on head. Been there, done that, never again (and I’m 29 myself😅)

OP I understand that doesn’t take away much of the crappy feeling you get from this situation but her actions up to and after probing your finances says it all really.

Find someone worth keeping, a positive addition to your life and let this one drift away as a faint memory. Wishing you all the best.

HoliyMoliy · 20-07-2021 3:26pm

I think you dodged a bullet. You were open and honest with her and now she’s blanked you. Her line of questioning would raise eyebrows and would suggest she values wealth.

better to know now than Further down the line.

TefalBrain · 20-07-2021 3:57pm

Christ you are a lucky man to have dodged that bullet.

seenitall · 20-07-2021 10:35pm

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117636475#Comment_117636475

Lol so much delusion in so little text! Where do you live, Hollywood by any chance?? Milan? Cos it sure ain’t provincial Ireland! All around me are beer bellied baldies in their forties, the young guys are the only ones who seem to be interested in keeping in shape! Very clever also how you try and head off a reaction to your hilarious post at the pass, but I’m a forty-something who’s long ago done with my fertilisising and sprogging and unfortunately get lots of attention of the wrong kind - and would just like ONE of these single, middle-aged men who otherwise seem pretty desperate to dip their wick into anything available, to put in a bit of effort even!

Milk, wine, great stuff, feel free to make babies in your forties and fifties all day long, but I just want to have some adult conversation and fun with a man my age who doesn’t behave like a horny teenager the second we meet, or look like he’s Farmer Ted approaching retirement!

sporina · 28-07-2021 12:40am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058199315/rejected-for-my-financial-situation

I think you dodged a bullet - she sounded like a gold digger.. but for your own sake, its good that you started to save a little.. and yes, women also like guys who are savvy with money (earning it and spending/saving wisely {being tight is not attractive either - its all about the balance.. enjoying life but think of the future too})

Also, fair play to you for being honest; not everyone would be.

Chin up, carrying on saving and get back out there.. (you have a bit more wisdom now too)

riclad · 28-07-2021 12:53am

I think she may have thought you are maybe irresponsible or reckless , most 40 year olds will have built up some savings or even bought a house or an apartment . I would expect a 40 year old to have bought some property since they are working at least 20 years this do, es not mean she's a bad person she may be looking for stability and financial certainty at this point in her life if she is looking for a long term relationship

You admit yourself you have been foolish and have not saved up until recently

riclad · 28-07-2021 12:57am

I.m not in favour of more than a 10 year gap in relationships of course there's lots of 20 year olds that go out with 40 year old men but usually the older men are well off financially

I.m not saying every woman is a gold digger I think younger women if they go out with a 40 year old at least will expect financial stability

SnuggyBear · 04-08-2021 10:33pm

A ps4 isn't exactly a massive expense

mary 2021 · 05-08-2021 7:27pm

Young impressionable woman wants nice things, thinks older man can give them to her its the way the world is today and to be white toothed and tanned is demanded. She was trying to see if you could give her these things and when she saw you couldnt she moved on . Women are more mercenary these days than ever before. You need to look for a woman closer to your age who wants children and her clock is ticking you have a better chance with her but having little or no security to offer doesnt help your cause. Women can get their own stuff these days and unless you are alarmingly attractive there is no reason to settle for average in their minds so you need to man up and get your act together or just enjoy your life as a singleton a lot of men do .

joeguevara · 05-08-2021 10:24pm

Could it be possible to that your focusing on your own financial situation lead you to think that a few off the cuff comments (bet you could retire now etc) were more than they were. It is possible that she felt it way too soon to have the lowdown on your finances. You mentioned that she didn’t respond to your calls and texts which could have exacerbated it.

BrokenArrows · 09-08-2021 2:38pm

Lets assume she is not a gold digger.

She is wrong to ghost you, however being in your early 40's with little to no savings while "earning good money" for 15 years implies you are not the most responsible type and if she has a mentality of saving money to build a future for herself you come across as a massive red flag who will likely find it hard to contribute and will do nothing other than make it harder for her to succeed.

jmlad2020 · 12-08-2021 7:42pm

Damn I wish I can still attract hot 20 year olds in my 40s.

Anyways you made a mistake telling her about your struggles.

YellowLead · 12-08-2021 7:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117744338#Comment_117744338

Better he is honest - though he could have told her to mind her own business.

boardlady · 02-09-2021 12:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117636475#Comment_117636475

@BrianD3, I'm hoping you won't get too excited that I chose - out of all the others - to quote your post, but here we are! I've been sitting here reading, and getting more and more irate, and I've come to the conclusion that I must be just old! As a woman, I agree with everything you have written. I met my dh when I was in my early 20s and he in his mid 30s. If I was to listen to the 'fiscally aware' here, I would have kicked him to the kerb 25 years ago as he was old, definitely not financially secure and came with 'baggage' (kids). However, to this day, we live a life I would not trade for all the money in the world. We are not wealthy but we have enough. We love each other and the family we have created and are both fit and healthy still. I cannot imagine such a mercenary outlook on life and am very glad I didn't think like that in my youth. I'm sure you're a big ride Brian! ;)

Hannibal_Smith · 02-09-2021 1:59pm

Mod Note

As the OP hasn't been back to the thread in over a month I'm going to close it there.

OP if you want the thread reopened, just PM one of the PI/RI Mods and if appropriate we can do that for you.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to offer the OP advice.

HS

rejected for my financial situation

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