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rejected for my financial situation

  • 17-07-2021 2:33pm
    Registered Users Posts: 390 ✭✭

    I'm in my early 40's, I started dating a girl a while back through a mutual acquaintance . She's a bit younger than me being in her late 20s but I think age gaps matter less if the younger of the 2 is beyond the age of 25. I have been in my current role earning good money for the past 15 years . There had been a few red flags when she asked probing questions/statements regarding my finances . Statements /Questions like I bet you could retire now if you want to? Do you own that house your in etc ? The reality is I have been an idiot with money , enjoyed myself with nice holidays nights out clothes , ps4s throughout the years and next to no savings . Anyway I didn't want to let her believe I was loaded so I told her about my financial situation and I've been ghosted ever since . She doesn't answer my calls or respond to my texts. I realise that this relationship is doomed and I'm not trying to recover it, what I would like to know is if she was right to ditch me ? Or have I dodged a bullet?. I believe I am a good person in every other way. I am starting to put money away every month now that I have coped on as late as it may be I still have time to get my financial situation in order?



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    The "financial situation" is an excuse"

    I see the age gap as an issue tbf. I'm late 40s btw

    Forget her.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,137 ✭✭✭Passenger

    Consider yourself lucky to have dodged the bullet. She's made her interest and level of respect for you demonstrably clear. So delete her number and move on.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,817 ✭✭✭Darc19

    Lucky. Very very lucky.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,659 ✭✭✭volchitsa

    You're in your 40s and she's in her 20s - of course there are some successful relationships with a big age gap, but even without accusing her of being a gold digger, I think in most cases the older person is expected to provide financial security. Otherwise what do you have to pffer that a random 30 year old doesn't? Lots of 30 year olds are good people too you know.

    Put yourself in her shoes: would you date someone 20 years older than you unless they had something really special about the

    Or maybe she just doesn't want to find herself with someone who hasn't shown themselves responsible with money in the past, and therefore may not be responsible in the future either? That's a fair enough question for someone who may be thinking of having childnre in the next few years to ask themselves.

    Note that I'm not saying she's a nasty gold digger, just that people can have a vision of their future which may not be with someone who lives day to day without planning for the future.

    Or she could be a gold digger.

    Either way, clearly the relationship is going nowhere. Forget it and move on. But if I were you, I think someone closer to your own age might be a better bet.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,659 ✭✭✭volchitsa

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  • Administrators Posts: 13,436 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    I don't know, OP, but even a 20 something year old commenting to a 40 something year old about retiring is a bit odd and shows you where her head is maturity-wise. I doubt there's too many in their 40s who could afford to retire, and it just shows that maybe she thought the age gap was much much wider than you did!

    Also, I don't think she's a gold digger, but also maybe she doesn't want to be entering into anything serious with someone who has admitted to be not great with money and living in the here and now going on holidays and buying PS4s.

    Its no harm doing what you like and enjoy with your own money, but it's also no harm to consider if that's the type of frivolous person you want to commit to a longterm relationship with. She's decided it's not.

    This one didn't work out. Next one might.

  • Registered Users Posts: 11,131 ✭✭✭✭Oranage2

    You were honest and forr what ever reason she wasn't interested, can't really beat yourself up over it.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    You ask if she was right to ditch you or if you've dodged a bullet - why are you trying to turn this into an integrity contest? All's fair in love and war. If she's into security and you can't provide it, it doesn't make her a bad person if her interest in you changes. Similarly if you prefer to spend than save that doesn't make it 'right' for anyone to ditch you. People like what they like.

    There's also so many other reasons why she might have ghosted you. You said you've been an idiot with money - that might indicate other things than just your financial standing. Maybe she's not someone who's into that kind of live-it-up lifestyle, maybe she doesn't like video games and was put off by the mention of PS4, maybe she's into quiet nights in rather than nights out, or flannel-clad lumberjack types rather than someone who cares about clothes. Maybe she realised her values are different to yours. Not to mention the many other things you probably discussed that aren't mentioned in your post.

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2

    She's a grown woman. She should be looking after her own financial security in this phase of her life and not going to another party to provide it for her. This isn't Victorian England.

    OP dodged a problematic person.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,659 ✭✭✭volchitsa

    That's one way of looking at it, but OTOH what else do you think attracts a 20-something to an over 40 guy? Most people are attracted to people round their own age, and someone looking for a father figure is at least as problematic as someone wanting a stable financial set up.

    (Not saying those are the only two reasons for such a big age gap, but when you're 20 years older than a prospective partner, there's going to be some reason for that. Wanting stability is no worse than many others.)

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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2

    I'd find it fairly mercenary to be honest. I know very few people in their 20s who are truly self sufficient, although many who are working towards it for themselves. If this lady wants to skip the graft and hope for a sugar daddy, OP is better off staying away as that's not a foundation for a relationship, that's enabling a grifter who's trading in her youth for money.

    The guy sounds like he's doing alright for himself if a little scattered with money. Nothing that a small bit of belt-tightening wouldn't solve. He's not on the scratch by any means nor does he appear to have a gambling problem.

  • Registered Users Posts: 390 ✭✭KurtBarlow

    Ok I want to straighten out a few things , the age gap isn't as big as some people are concluding in their heads, she's 29 and I am 41 . Secondly we share a lot of the same hobbies like video games and nights out but I have a lot other different things I am interested in as well that we also shared

  • Registered Users Posts: 390 ✭✭KurtBarlow

    Most people aren't attracted to people their own age no matter how much you want to believe its true or believe it should be true , it isn't.

    Brad Pitt and Leo Di Caprio aren't attracted to women their own age

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,601 ✭✭✭The J Stands for Jay

    She dodged potential heartache from someone who'd end up being a drain on her resources by bringing her into a wasteful lifestyle.

    A good job for years, with nothing to show for it, not even a PS5...

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 27,048 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious

    I think it could be more the issue that you lied about/misrepresented your financial situation to her. Part of me would be wondering could I believe anything you'd ever said.

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2

    Where's the suggestion he'd ever be a drain on her resources. He spends his money how he wants on the things he wants. Do the gender fliparoo and we'd be saying you go girl.

    I'm making a presumption here, but it's an educated one and probably close to the truth, she's in her twenties and he is likely making significantly more money than her, and as per his first post he's putting a bit of money away. He's a year or so of frugalness to being in a totally different position. He's not a crack addict living in a wet house.

    In terms of resource draining it's likely the other way around to what you're framing.e

    She got spooked when the OP let it be known she shouldn't be expecting an off-the-shelf lifestyle via her relationship. Bullet dodged.

    I do alright and so does my partner. If I had someone sniffing around my finances looking for a free ride I'd be out the gap.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,710 ✭✭✭Girly Gal

    Think it's a bit of both, you dodged a bullet and she was probably right to ditch you. You weren't right for one another, move on and maybe the next woman you date might work out better.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,835 ✭✭✭ari101

    I think ghosting you doesn't reflect well on her, but people do that sh*t all the time unfortunately. Maybe she is a shallow gold digger, or maybe not, who knows... You just do your thing and forget her. However, maybe this experience has made you think more about your financial priorities and what you want for your future; not for anyone else but for yourself. And if so, make some changes, but don't look at what happened in the past as waste, savings don't buy experiences sitting in the bank, be glad you spent some of that money seeing the world and doing what you wanted.

  • Registered Users Posts: 620 ✭✭✭Meeoow

    Maybe she is good with her money, and doesn't want someone who flitters their money away.

    My ex spent his money as soon as he earned it. It was a real turnoff. You never know when a rainy day will occur.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    When I say she might be attracted to security, that's got nothing to do with her own financial position. You're projecting a lot of your own assumptions onto the situation.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 24,513 ✭✭✭✭Strumms

    People can dress it up anyway they like... the OP dodged a bullet, or several more like.

    ive never been asked by a girl questions anything to do with my finances, earnings would set alarm bells ringing especially at that stage of a relationship or dating...

    the ghosting is just cüntish behaviour tbh and is indicative of what type of person she is... not a good one..

    if she is simply ‘attracted to security’ she should get a job with takes two people to make a successful relationship.

  • Posts: 3,637 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]

    No easy way to say it really, but at 29 years of age, she's making the right call on things.

    You're 41 and just now starting to put a little aside. That's late. Very late. Clothes, playstations and nights out. She's asking about retirement because she wants to know if you've taken care of business while you were also busy playing at being a 'man-child'. She's looking for things to show her that a relationship with you could have legs, but to put it simply, it can't. She'll have a 12-14 or maybe even 15 year lag to hit retirement age. You haven't made sensible arrangements to be able to be financially comfortable at retirement, so she may well have realised that she'll end up having to compromise (unreasonably) on shared quality of life, or she'll have to carry you financially as you hit retirement age, well ahead of her. That's a fact, looking at the financials.

    You should be doing what you can now to correct that situation with a view to the next time someone wants to evaluate your suitability as a partner. Partner. Not dependent. Fair is fair. I wouldn't have any interest in a long term relationship with a woman who expected me to make up for her own lack of financial planning, so I sure as hell can't fault a woman for judging a man in the same manner.

    It's not fair at all to think 'gold digger' when the reality is she's just looking out for herself and making sure she's not financially burdened by a man who hasn't acted responsibly, even with a good job for the past 15 years. Your error was one of judgement when it comes to providing for yourself. She's seen that and probably decided she's not going to be a parachute or just go along for the ride. Don't be hard on her or think she's a bad person. She's not.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,052 ✭✭✭Kaybaykwah

    She should be forty and you, 30; O.P.

    An independent businesswoman with a good endowment, your life habits shouldn’t be a problem if you’re not bound, contractually.

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2

    I'm aware that there there is no connection between her financial position and her being 'attracted to security' so to speak.

    My point is basic however. By the law of averages, someone of 29 is generally not financially secure themselves. I'd wager the OP at 41, being is in what he says is a well-paying job in an industry for 15 years is bringing a lot more financially to any scenario. Well-paying jobs (unless he's a contractor) generally come with occupational pensions attached to them. He's not on the breadline and just requires discipline over a year or so and he's fairly set.

    She sounds like she's shopping for a cushy arrangement rather than getting in a relationship with a human where there are a lot more important variables than a savings account. The OP should let her off and not look back. I would.

  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    I dunno we don't know the full extent of conversations and only seeing the OP's side of things here.

    If I met a woman in 40's and she was earning well but had no savings I'd definitely have similar concerns tbh. People don't change the habits of a lifetime very fast and if you don't have your **** sorted by then I can't imagine it would be an easy transition.

    As someone who does analysis on these things lads can mention silly things like PS4's when documenting their spend and fail to mention the 250k they've donated to gambling companies over the years be it through delusion or denial.

    If your salary gives you the means to buy and you continue renting at irish prices you're really going badly wrong somewhere by your 40's.

    Post edited by TheadoreT on

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    So we agree that there are a million different possibilities here, and that you're assuming the one scenario where you can most easily vilify the woman is the only one worth considering.

    OP, they way you've written your first post reads like you're looking for some validation after being rejected, and so the post does read like you've asked "I can't prove she's a golddigger, but she's a golddigger, so I shouldn't be upset that she ghosted me, right?" So I know I'm going against the tide to suggest she's done nothing wrong. Clearly there are people here who are more than happy to give you the response you're looking for.

    On a scale larger than this thread, and larger than, I just think it's important to be objective when faced with these stereotypes, because while the thread might give you some comfort on a personal level, I think it's a dangerous attitude to reinforce. Maybe it's better to take the high road and let this go rather than stirring up anonymous backlash against this woman for hurting you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 249 ✭✭SixtaWalthers

    The best advice is 'Move On'. From the next time, it is also better to improve your financial situation. I am not going to say it is necessary but it matters a lot. Mainly, when you start a family.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,468 ✭✭✭JeffKenna

    Can't see anything that would indicate she wants someone else to look after her financial security. I know plenty of people at 29 who are financially independent and quite well off, could easily be the OP's wasteful use of money was a red flag for her.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,361 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    Regardless of whether or not you have next to no savings and at win your 40s with a good job OP - it’s super odd somebody asking if you could retire, and even if you own your house or not - so early on. It does depend a bit too on her own situation - is she a good saver with a deposit ready? Or is she unemployed and looking to be kept? Prob the former but we don’t know.

    The ghosting behaviour because she didn’t like your financial situation is just rude. I deffo think you had a lucky escape.

    Doesn’t mean that when you get deeper into other relationships that your financial stability won’t matter to others - particularly women closer to your age who likely might be in a better position themselves. But at least you have copped on a bit now and have started to save so keep that up. Not to attract women, but for your own future financial security.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2

This discussion has been closed.